Teen Titans #17

Raven's here to make Red Robin feel better! In much the same way that masturbating while on heroin makes a person feel better!

Why does Red Robin look so sad? It's interesting that after all the tension and all the hype of Death of the Family, the only real thing that The Joker accomplished was hurting everybody's feelings. What a twist! And now Red Robin has to deal with all of his feels. Except Raven is here to save the day! Suck out those emotions, Emo Girl!

Oh! Speaking of Raven, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT NEW COSTUME IS AWFUL! Oh geez. Sorry for yelling but I've been holding that in since my commentary on Teen Titans #16 where I lost a bet with myself and could only say nice things. Okay, I kind of complained about it as best I could in the parameters I gave myself. But seriously! That feathered face mask thing bugs the shit out of me. It's a little bit reminiscent of her hood as the hood always came down to a point in the middle of her face. But it looks stupid. Or, to put it in more intellectual terms, it fills me with a ka-ka-doody feeling.

The issue begins with (possibly) Dr. Light sucking some kind of Light Bubble Power out of a young boy. Doctor Light seems awfully obsessed with showing children the "light and the way." Wasn't it revealed in the pages of the old Suicide Squad that he might have had a predilection for pedophilia? Or was that just some of the taunts he had to endure from other members since he fought the Teen Titans on so many occasions. Didn't somebody somewhere suggest that he enjoyed being beaten by children? Was that it? Oh memory, you foul and mischievous imp.

Meanwhile the Teen Titans are enjoying an awkward limo ride back to New York from Gotham. It's awkward because Red Robin's Narration Boxes tell me it's awkward. But it ends up not being so bad. Except when Bunker's speech bubble says, "Como se yama?" Is that a thing? Do people often replace "llama" with "yama" in text so that it's pronounced correctly? Maybe it's one of those young things that I'm not hip to but Lobdell is. Another weird part is when Solstice tells Red Robin she thinks of him as a friend and he says, "That means more than you realize, Solstice." But then he immediately follows up that reaction with a "Not really" Narration Box. What the fuck? Lobdell must make every moment ambiguous and full of attitude.

When they finally arrive in New York, Red Robin introduces them to their new home.

Does he have "Red Robin" on his credit card? I suppose since Tim Drake is a made up name, Red Robin must have a bunch of aliases. Does that mean he's committing fraud on multiple levels? Good for him!

The new Titans Tower is...a boat. That's right! They'll all be living on a boat! Now when New York ends up despising them, they won't have to blow up their tower and move it to cartoon San Francisco! They can just sail away and park it in Central City! Or Antarctica! Or Metropolis! Or the Arctic! Or Smallville! As you can tell, I have a really poor sense of the DCnU geography.

Red Robin's yacht has a pool, a jacuzzi, a gym, a training room, a movie theater, a game room, and a full kitchen. I'm sure there's lots of storage as well. But he had to skimp on the living quarters and he's making Kid Flash share a room with Bunker and Cassie has to share a room with Solstice. That means Red Robin will be sharing a room with his gigantic ego.

Meanwhile in Mexico:

This is either Bunker's boyfriend or his detached Siamese Twin.

After the whole Joker debacle, Red Robin has been trying to figure out how to earn his team's trust and show that he's a terrific leader that should be followed without question. And what's the best way to build team trust? Make out with one of your teammates!

And make sure it's a teammate that's already romantically involved with another teammate! Go Teen Titans Go!

What's it like kissing Solstice? Is it like pressing your lips against quartz that's been rubbed with rotten eggs? And how would fucking her work? Does she have any genitalia? She always runs around naked, right? But she's just smooth skin except for the steaming cracks...oh! I get it. Well, I was hoping Red Robin would lose his virginity in Firestorm #17 and I didn't care to whom he lost it. I guess this will work!

Red Robin and Solstice might fuck on the deck of the yacht but the scene changes to show some kid in a coffee shop commanding everyone to drop dead which they immediately do. And when the scene shifts back to Titans Yacht, Red Robin is in his room trying to have sex with Cassie. I'd scan that kiss in too except the picture only shows their shadows and that's not worth bothering scanning. And even though Cassie is just wearing a t-shirt, it's done in a super classy way that never shows any panties or butts or crotches. Although Red Robin gets to remain fully clothed. I wonder if his penis smells like sulfur?

Apparently the cause of all these hormones running wild isn't the normal teenage hormones running wild one. It's Raven sitting on a throne of skulls sipping from a goblet of blood and feasting on their emotions.

Can DC fire an artist for completely fucking up the look of a character?

Red Robin is possessed or being manipulated by Raven as Trigon readies his demon army to attack New York. Or somewhere. I'm not totally sure what his army is amassing for. I guess all hell is literally set to break loose? No wait, that isn't literal at all. Not all of hell is attacking, just Trigon's portion. And Trigon might not be from hell but from Azaroth which is either someplace else or just a suburb of hell.

Teen Titans #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm only giving this comic book a positive ranking because it's so far down the charts and this issue was a step in the right direction. If by the right direction I mean "making it feel like an old school issue of Teen Titans." Which is how I meant it because I can make anything mean anything I want. I'm still unclear when The Teen Titans actually established themselves in the eyes of the world but they were recognized by Firestorm in Firestorm #17 from news reports. Maybe Red Robin had a Press Conference that wasn't interesting enough to appear in the pages of this comic book. Or, more likely, I slept through that part where the world learned about The Teen Titans.