Katana #2

Maybe DC should consider merging Katana and Catwoman so Ann Nocenti is only writing one book. Katwomana.

At the end of Issue #1, Coil inquired of Katana if she were ready to walk the tightrope. So I guess Coil is a recruiter for a Japanese-themed San Francisco based circus. I think the query was supposed to be dripping with tension and danger. But it was just a contrived question in a contrived situation that was all set up simply to end in that question.

It's at this point where I usually find myself at a loss for words while discussing Ann Nocenti's writing. Apparently I'm not a good enough writer to describe how bad of a writer she is. Her dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters rarely feel like they're reacting to the other person's dialogue. It's as if they both have rehearsed speeches that they aren't going to change no matter what the other person says. Or sometimes it's just one person with the speech and the other person spouting hysterical nonsense. I don't know! I just said I can't communicate what is wrong with it. Perhaps I need to really immerse myself in her work until I can figure out exactly how to mean what I say instead of just resorting to vague generalizations like "Ann Nocenti sucks" or unhelpful specifics such as "I'd rather be sucking a donkey dick than reading this comic book."

But I don't know if that day is today. We'll see how much time I feel like wasting on Katana #2. Who knows? Maybe it'll blow me away?

Well there goes any chances of me being blown.

The first page provides me with incomprehensible dialogue. I mean, I can parse it. I don't have a problem with that. But I can't understand why Nocenti would write it. I don't know why she would have Coil saying it. Is it because she's carefully crafted his redneck misogynist personality to a razor sharp point? Do razors have points? Fuck it! It's the type of description befitting Nocenti's writing! So you know, these days when a woman says no, you can't continue to try to stick your sword in her for some reason. I know, I know! It's silly! How many centuries has it been okay to interpret a "no" as a "yes" and now, all of a fucking sudden, that's not allowed?! Ridiculous! But I guess we have to respect her or people might get angry.

So as you can see from the first page, Katana bests Coil in their knife fight and she's refused to join the Sword Clan, so since "no means no", the Sword Clan needs to holster their weapons and get the fuck out of Dodge. Remember! This is Nocenti's writing, so I can use a gun analogy on a sword clan!

Also, they were in a Japanese Kawaii Sculpture Garden during the fight last issue and now they're in the San Francisco Zoo. I guess the mythical Kawaii Park was located right next door to the zoo.

Now you see that last panel I scanned, right? How Katana has Coil dead to rights, correct? Okay. Time for Ann Nocenti to do her thing in Panel #2!

So much goodness here. Where to begin?

Katana has the advantage on Coil and she's killed before, so she could take him out as the other Clan members scatter. But perhaps she needs him alive? Well, then let the Sword Clan run and take him away at katana point. Or begin threatening and questioning him here, if that's what she wants. But no. It's better to run around like the enemy! That'll fool them! So Katana decides she "can't fight him yet" even though that's what she just did and she destroyed his coil sword in the process. But can't fight him now! He's too good! He might piss on me and cut off my head! So later she'll decide to use "The Infiltration Game"! I think I remember that game from Junior High School parties. At least I think that's what they called the game. It was hard to hear the other kids from my position in the bushes outside of the house trying to stare through the window.

Katana decides to go after a specific young member that never tried to kill her. But why would the Sword Clan let her? Because "no means no"? If she's going to keep attacking them, shouldn't they all attack her en masse? Is that too much to fucking ask of a CLAN?!

Let's move on to Panels Three and Four for a nice juicy taste of Ann Nocenti's goods.

Aha! It's one of her Wikipedia moments! Classic Nocenti!

The proper response to somebody yelling, "Hiding behind the lions? I'll toss you in the pit," is "FUCK YOU, BITCH!" Instead he decides to debate her on the efficacy of her plan. "They don't even look hungry." As if he knows what a hungry lion looks like! In fact, in Panel Five, he declares, "Animals in captivity overeat. They won't bother me!" which is probably what he should have said instead of this other thing. It would still be awkward but why not go with that bit of information since it makes this bit obsolete. That isn't the Wikipedia part though! That next bit by Katana is where she gives us the rundown on how to tell if a lion is ready to kill. Thanks for the nature facts, Katana!

Nocenti does this all the time. Instead of having two characters engage in dialogue for the scene, they end up discussing lions and captive animals. Maybe I'm reading it wrong! Perhaps I'm supposed to find joy in the whimsical back and forth wherein the characters measure their fact penises. Perhaps the fault lies within me and all of the other Green Arrow and Catwoman fans that currently hate Green Arrow and Catwoman.

But there is an awkward and shambling and horribly written method to her madness. This all takes place for a reason! Part of that reason is for the Sword Clan Kid to mention "animals in captivity" so that Katana can latch on to that idea and point out that this kid appears to be of like kind. Why isn't he attacking her? Why isn't he aggressive? How come he "wears his armor like a Halloween outfit"? Right? She can turn this kid around and get some information out of him! And maybe a sidekick!

What would she have said if their battle took them over the Penguin Pool? "Those Penguins sense you as a bad provider for your chick! They are cold and judgmental, waiting for you to drop your egg."

Now where the fuck are the rest of the Sword Clan? I guess they don't care about this kid? They should care about this kid! They should know he's the weak link and should be keeping him out of Katana's hands. Unless that's Coil's plan! Coil probably decided that if Katana wouldn't join them, they'd break away. He knew Katana, like a lion, would go for the weak prey and, like a crocodile, grind the information from his bones. Now this kid will give Katana the information she needs to play The Infiltration Game and she'll infiltrate the Sword Clan which means she'll have joined and Coil will have her! Ha ha! Brilliantly played, Coil! If Harvest has taught me anything, it's to remember that everything is part of the plan!

But wait! Katana's fun facts aren't over!

But they are completely inaccurate! "Prey is often, therefore, left in one spot to be finished off later. This has led to the mistaken belief that crocodiles like to eat rotten meat, hiding a freshly killed animal until it is 'cured'. In fact, they prefer fresh meat." -- From some non-Wikipedia DK-published Kid's Book.

The Pacifist Sword Clan Kid decides to strike back at Katana by saying, "I think your sword controls you!" He thinks this because of all the surely truthful information he received from Coil's power point presentation before this mission.

Coil: "Here we see not Katana talking to her sword but her sword talking to Katana!"

Coil: "Yes, the sword talks to her. She's not crazy because she hears the sword speak to her."

Coil: "She's crazy because she thinks it's her dead husband! Also, she never smiles."

But the Sword Clan member is obviously Dyslexic because he volunteered for the wrong Clan as he lets on when he surrenders to Katana.

"Hey guys! I brought my dictionary! Sword? Why would the Words Clan need a...oooooh. Shit."

Katana and Thrust (that's his name! I think I named somebody else Thrust in one of my other commentaries but fuck if I can remember where I did that!) go on a picnic where no Game of Words takes place. All that takes place is Thrust whining about his family's view of him and how he hates his family and the Sword Clan. So Katana says, "Double cross them!" and Thrust says, "Okay!" So they plan on being dates at a Sword Clan Sword Show later in the week.

Because Thrust is so likable and not as similar to Crocodile Food as Katana first thought, she shares a secret with him. One time in Tokyo, her sword did something very bad. That's the end of the secret. I thought it was going to be better but that was it. The pictures associated with the secret did involve bunny slippers though, so it couldn't have been too serious if you ignore the blood the slippers were splashing through.

Later Tatsu goes to sneak a look at more of Shun the Untouchable's skin. She spends the last of her money to see Shun's foot which has a tattoo of a dragon on it. Tatsu gets angry that she was cheated because the tattoo showed a mythical creature and she wanted to see something real. But later the drunken Master reminds Tatsu that her name means "dragon". You'd think somebody with the Japanese name of "Dragon" would realize when they're looking at a prophetic tattoo of a dragon that it probably represents themselves. Wouldn't you? I mean, I would! Wouldn't you?!

Maybe Katana didn't realize her name means dragon since using a translation utility online, it also means to stand up. Perhaps that's what she always thought her name meant. To stand up! Because she can stand up!

Oh, and her encounter with the Drunken Master ends with Katana learning a lesson she would already know if she simply watched a lot of Kung Fu movies.

Sheesh, Katana! Everybody but you knew he was a Drunken Master as soon as they saw him. Perhaps HE needs to learn the art of stereotypes!

Tatsu gets a job working for her landlady in the Sake bar next door to the apartments. And then it's time for her to come up with a disguise for her date at the big Sword Clan Sword Show!

Well. As long as we're being stereotypical about who and what constitutes intelligence, how are you going to hide your Japanese looks? They'll know you're smart instantly!

Tatsu's prejudices don't stop there

And I'm being generous when I ascribe the prejudice to Tatsu and not to Ann Nocenti. I know I wouldn't want somebody to think everything I write in character is something I actually feel! But Nocenti really is making Tatsu an unlikeable, bitter shrew here!

Once in the party, Tatsu ditches her stupid slutty blonde cheerleader outfit and gets back to her super smart At Seventeen brunette loner normality. Just in time to challenge Sickle in a display of skill! Thrust promised to introduce Katana to Sickle for some reason (the reason is never actually explained, as far as I can tell) but she apparently doesn't need an introduction.

I don't know if he's still in love with her but he knows her as Katana. I guess Tatsu's secret identity isn't that secret in the Japanese circles she runs in.

After Katana defeats Sickle's girls with the help of her sword (I mean, the sword controlled her movements not she used the sword to win. Or something), Sickle whispers to her that he knows her name but nobody else does. He threatens to expose her if she doesn't join the Sword Clan. Which she's now considering! Coil's plan worked to perfection! Although Katana thinks, "Yes, Sickle, I will consider getting close to my enemy, but only to kill him." If she means Coil then she already had that chance. So hopefully she means somebody higher up in the Sword Clan. Probably someone responsible for Maseo's murder. Maseo is her husband! I think. I suck at names.

And then Katana leaves and the last page is apparently for sudden plot changes and foreshadowing!

How come Katana needs money so badly if she's a member of the JLA? Don't they fucking have to at least pay minimum wage?

Katana #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. I know, I know! The writing is mostly atrocious and the dialogue is awful in a lot of places. But I like Katana (well, historically I do! She seems kind of douchey so far in this comic!) and I'm actually interested in this story. So sue me!