Justice League of America #1

I just have the boring old American flag version.

Five years ago, super heroes began cropping up all over the Goddamn place. But not everybody with super smarts or super powers had the good of humanity in mind. Meeting in London were two of these villains: Professor Ivo who would go on to create Amazo (which the other Justice League fought in Issue #7 or thereabouts) and a mysterious man with a cane. Because it's in London and Stargirl is a member of the team, I'm guessing it's The Shade. And if it is The Shade, I'm guessing it'll have nothing to do with The Shade maxi-series that began with The New 52. My bet is that falls out of New 52 continuity as a weird bridge series.

Five years after that (meaning now!), a man in some kind of Japanese Oni mask is running for his life from robots of Wonder Woman, Batman, and Superman. I guess Professor Ivo went back to the drawing board after his Amazo was defeated by one of Green Arrow's arrows to the buttocks.

Meanwhile in cozy offices, Amanda Waller and Steve Trevor discuss why Waller is running every single government black ops and/or super hero group. Okay, she's not running the Justice League. But she's the official liaison between the Justice League and ARGUS, so close enough. This lady is busier than Batman.

Well holy shit. Wouldn't you know Amanda mentions that the Justice League has already fought the two big villains I made fun of DC for deciding not to highlight because they were too busy having super heroes fight each other. Fuckin' DC.

Amanda is trying to convince Steve Trevor to be the team field leader of the new government controlled Justice League of America. But he has his doubts because how can a team with characters from three of the currently worst comic books in The New 52 (Catwoman, Hawkman, and Green Arrow. And hell, Katana has sucked under Swierczynski. And how good will she end up being with Nocenti behind the pen?) be worth leading? He'll just become a laughingstock. I mean a bigger laughingstock since everyone already laughs at him because of his failed relationship with Wonder Woman. And what is that about, by the way? Why is everybody being so cruel to Steve Trevor about a break up? The DCnU is full of dicks.

Steve Trevor eventually agrees to the job simply to cockblock Superman. So I suspect the rest of the comic will be Trevor hunting down members of the JLA?

No, it's even more exciting than that! It's Amanda telling Trevor why each hero will ultimately agree to join! Yay!

First up is Hawkman! Booo! Hisss!

What the fuck? Where does Amanda get her information? Where the fuck has "Katar Hol" been doing that? I mean besides the single fucking page they show him on in this comic just before this panel. Need an instant Reboot of Hawkman! Just add Geoff Johns!

Next up is Katana! Yay! Cheer!

"Why do you think we're taking the characters that have been written like shit since The New 52 began, Steve? Our PR department is going to reboot the fuck out of them!"

I suppose Hawkman and Katana, even though they're killers, were the easiest to turn into heroes that don't kill. Deathstroke and Grifter suck balls but there's no hope for them on a super team backed by the American Government. At least not one that allows photographs.

Next up is Vibe! Booo! Lame! He's a jinx! Don't take him! He'll get you all killed!

You'd think I'd be scanning in pictures of the super heroes, wouldn't you?!

Next up is Stargirl! Um. Who?

Oh, that's who!

So Star Girl is at least the second owner of the cosmic rod and possibly the third although New 52 history may get a little wonky when dealing with All Star Squadron and Justice Society and Infinity, Inc. history. But Sylvester Pemberton was The Star Spangled Kid AKA Skyman. Something horrible and Satanic appears to have happened to him and Stargirl received the rod. Whether or not there was a Starman who came before Skyman, I don't know. I didn't read The Shade maxiseries because my New 52 reading policy doesn't extend to anything not considered one of the monthly 52 titles. Unless Ambush Bug gets one! But this lends validity to the supposition that the other villain at the beginning of the comic is The Shade and that he probably had something to do with whatever happened to the previous cosmic rod owner, Sylvester Pemberton.

Amanda claims Stargirl will join the team simply because they know who her biological father is. Nobody says any more on that subject though.

Next up is Martian Manhunter (YAY!) and Simon Baz, Green Lantern (Yay!) and Green Arrow (BOOOOOOO! *throws black Jujubes*).

I thought Martian Manhunter erased everybody's memories of his having been in the Justice League. Even though the Justice League themselves still remember. So Steve Trevor must have been allowed to remember as well. Probably so Martian Manhunter would have a liaison with the League if Stormwatch had needed to get in touch with them.

Justice League of America is going to be better than the regular Justice League simply because they'll have Martian Manhunter AND a Green Lantern. Losing the Green Lantern from your team is like a mall losing Radio Shack. It's just the beginning of the end, baby.

Next Steve Trevor goes after Catwoman himself because Green Arrow is a gigantic failure. At least Catwoman was decent when Judd Winick was writing her.

"I registered this room in your name and then sat in the dark for four nights straight until you noticed."

I don't know if Trevor is speaking in a sort of sly nod and wink code here and saying he can find out Catwoman's real name for her since Nocenti's Zero Issue set up Selina Kyle as Catwoman's fake name. Even Catwoman doesn't know who she really is though because when she found a file of herself, the name was in Cyrillic. So what Trevor is actually saying here is, "We can figure out who you really are." Right? RIGHT?! Otherwise I don't know what he means and who this other woman is.

Amanda and Trevor agree to the team. The group is meant to match up against the Justice League which is why Trevor wanted Catwoman over Green Arrow. He thought Catwoman was a better match-up against Batman than Green Arrow. He's probably right. Green Arrow is horrible! The match ups are Martian Manhunter vs. Superman (a toss-up), Catwoman vs. Batman (The Goddamned Batman!), Katana vs. Wonder Woman (Wonder Woman!), Simon Baz vs. Hal Jordan (Simon Baz since Hal Jordan fucking quit the Justice League!), Vibe vs. The Flash (I gotta go with Vibe here. I'm guessing he can absolutely disrupt The Flash's powers and render him useless), Stargirl vs. Cyborg (Stargirl because Cyborg is going to fall in love with her!), and Hawkman vs. Aquaman (who cares?). After confirming the team, Steve Trevor has to run off to check in on the dying man in the Oni mask that just limped back into ARGUS. Who is this mysterious man?!

Yay! Best ending ever! I'm going to believe this ending is canon and cut Green Arrow from my pull list!

Justice League of America #1 Rating: I'm sticking this one right in the middle like I did with Threshold and Vibe. It seems pretty average and since Johns is writing it, he's just taking any fucking liberties he wants with DCnU Continuity. That Hawkman shit Amanda pulls out of her ass at the beginning? Ridiculous. Also, I don't see the second issue faring too well with the tease "Team Dynamics." I'm pretty sure that means a bunch of heroes not getting along and punching each other in the gizzards.