Constantine #1

If this comic book fell through a time warp and landed in the suburbs in the early eighties, it would cause a Twilight Zone necrosis of the neighborhood as everyone began accusing everybody else of being devil worshipers.

I've got a whole stack of Hellblazer Trade Paperbacks to catch up on and here I am about to read Hellblazer Issue #301. I'm going to be real quick about this because I've got my alternate self from another dimension disrobing in the adjacent room where we're going to, umm, read poetry and junk. He's so sexy, guys! You wouldn't believe it. Actually, I should go check in on him instead of reading this comic book.

Oh. Never mind. It was just the full length mirror.

Right from Page One, Fawkes and Lemire begin establishing the perfect mood for this comic book. Constantine puts it all out there right at the beginning for any readers that just popped out of their mother's vaginas and are unfamiliar with this character.

He's a cheat. He's a thief. He's dangerous. And some thing about magic. I think that's new to his character.

Constantine goes on to mention how there's always a price to pay for using magic. The universe somehow needs to balance out the lack of cause when a sudden boon of effects takes place. And this has always been one of the reasons John Constantine has always been so dangerous to not only his enemies but his friends especially. Because John never wants to pay that price. He always seems to find somebody else to pay the price for him. He's a master of avoiding the bill. Maybe he gets a phone call and wanders away from the table. The bathroom is always a good excuse. Sometimes he just disappears. And occasionally he'll take his best friend in the world and shove him into a demon's maw because it's the only option left. He's a right bastard most of the time which makes him consistently one of the most interesting characters in the DC Universe.

Constantine's New York dwelling is quickly established: the sub-basement of a place called Dotty's Pets. The animals help interfere with divination magic which helps keep him cloaked from prying eyes. Constantine is given a patsy friend by the name of Chris that seems to be some kind of conduit for magic. It's painful and he wants John to help stop the pain but why the fuck would John do that? It seems Chris is useful in his condition or why else would John ask Chris to find him when the magical activity and pain begin to act up?

See? Useful.

The Introductory Box makes Constantine sound like he's some noble watcher of the magic, keeping everybody safe. But the part about preventing anyone from getting too powerful sounds about right if you just change the "too" to more and add "than Constantine" in place of the ellipsis.

Turns out Chris has the power to see mystic artifacts. The feeling comes upon him and he's able to map out the location of the object. Constantine has him map it out and then it's a race to the item like an episode of "Tales of the Gold Monkey".

And they're off to find Aleister Crowley's Compass!

Since Constantine doesn't seem to be able to fly a 1930's sea plane, he books a flight on Air Norway in his quest for the Compass. While on the flight, he meets a sexy flight attendant that tries to kill him, learns she works for The Cult of the Cold Flame, locks himself in the bathroom with her, and has an argument in Rune Alien Old Portugese Language Speak.

The argument doesn't end very well for the flight attendant.

To cast a disintegration spell, you need a lot of numbers and/or symbols and/or punctuation since what the flight attendant says is complete gibberish with a bunch of symbols I don't recognize. The same holds true for John's counter-spell. What's the etiquette for leaving an airplane bathroom after having disintegrated somebody? Leave the door open a tad so it'll air out? Shut the door completely so the people in the back row don't choke on the rank fumes? Flush multiple times?

Once John and his sidekick get to Norway, they realize the item they're looking for is in the super ritzy ice hotel that travel shows love to spotlight. Constantine also realizes that the compass is in three parts and they're merely looking for the needle right now. I didn't read the preview in the back of every comic book for the last few weeks, but I did look at it and I think it's about to happen now!

John gets the needle just before Sargon the Sorceress appears! Surprise! I mean, for everyone that hasn't been reading comic books for the last three weeks, "Surprise!" I'll just skip scanning in her picture since you all have a copy of that lying around in at least one comic book somewhere nearby. And if you don't, you have fucking Google.

Oh never mind! Here she is "threatening" John. I put threatening in quotation marks because I'm pretty sure threats involving killing someone other than Constantine don't actually work on Constantine.

I think the answer here is "Fuck you."

Before I get to the part that proves what I've been saying about Constantine from the beginning of this commentary, a piece of advice for Chris in his next incarnation: "When your job is to find magical artifacts for somebody, you don't help them find an artifact that allows them to find magical artifacts."

On the next page, Chris is turned into dozens of bloody chunks.

Constantine gets away with the needle while Sargon throws a gigantic fit and destroys the ice hotel. Now all the PBS travel shows are going to have to find a new destination.

Constantine #1 Rating: I'll begin this comic book at #17 because I'm completely biased when it comes to John Constantine. I've been a fanboy for a long, long time.