Sword of Sorcery #0

Really? Sword of Sorcery? That's as horrible a fantasy name as Places and Predators! Except my game's name is a parody! Is this title supposed to be silly fantasy? Am I supposed to take this shit seriously? Sword of Sorcery? Oh! But look at that cover! First time I've seen a guard on the grip of a weapon since every single panel by Rob Liefeld!

Let me speak a little bit about my knowledge of Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld, before I begin reading. Okay, that's it! Knowledge exhausted! The only thing I remember about Amethyst was my friend Sal picking up issues of Amethyst in the quarter bins at comic book stores and conventions. Unless it wasn't Sal at all. Although Sal did introduce me to Herbie Hancock and I introduced him to Slayer. I'm not sure if that was a fair trade or not.

The comic book begins in a complete and utter fantasy world. At least, it's a fantasy world according to my experience. Did I grow up in Shangri La? No, Santa Clara. But I really don't remember this kind of bullshit occurring in my high school. Perhaps I was just autistic enough to have no fucking clue what kind of social politics were happening around me.

Seriously? She's ostracized because she's the new girl and her hair is colored?

Can I just express this moment of disbelief: Wow. Why wasn't Aaron Lopresti drawing like this in JLI? I love this style and look. And it's taking place in high school?! Be still my love for teen drama beating heart!

Amy doesn't have any friends yet. But her cool demeanor and off-the-beaten path good looks are sure to win her a few bottom-of-the-rung-in-popularity friends soon enough. And sure enough, she meets up with a girl named after a gemstone whose Velma-esque looks are attractive enough for a football player to want to make out with her behind the bleachers after the homecoming game but too geeky to be seen in public with her. Fucking stupid ass football player. If you like her, fucking go for it. High school is only three years out of your life. THREE FUCKING YEARS! Don't let the other morons dictate how you're going to spend that small amount of critical time. You're never going to be the same person you were in that forced social situation. And you're going to learn bad habits if you allow your peers to dictate your desires.

And Beryl. Do I have to say it? Going out with a football player in a secluded place because he makes your fucking tits tingle? I'm not blaming you at all for what's about to happen. But if this guy isn't willing to be seen mouth to mouth with you in a well-lit hallway, you maybe want to think twice about disappearing with him in the dark for a few hours.

Amy's about to turn 17 later in the evening. And her mom is flipping out about it. Because this birthday is going to change everything.

I guess Gemworld is rated R.

Amy spars with her mom for about two minutes before she has a teenaged girl temper tantrum and storms off to do something normal. She heads to the homecoming game.

I was such a social retard in high school. I had long hair and was in all of the advanced classes. My best friends were all of the other fringe smart nerd kids. But I was also friends with the stoners and rockers simply because I had long hair. And then I had my two best friends, Paul and Herschel. And that was about it. I played Role Playing games on the weekends with my cousin (one grade beneath me) and his friends. Very occasionally I would venture out into the "normal" social situations. And I think back on those and what my life might have been if I in any way knew how to react in those environments. I think I went to a single homecoming game. I barely talked to the more popular kids in the advanced classes so I had no idea what they thought of me or if I could be friends with them merely by opening up. But at the homecoming game, I was with my friend Paul and we sat in front of Merril George. By dint of my last name, if I shared a class with Merrill, she usually sat right in front of me. So at the homecoming game, the situation was oddly reversed. What she thought of seeing me, the shy, anti-social kid, at the game, I don't know. But she continuously played with my hair and talked with me. At least as much as I was able to respond. What was that about? Was it flirting? Was she reaching out to me? Was she just being friendly and sociable because we were in many of the same classes? I have no idea because, as I said, I'm socially retarded!

Anyway, let's see how Amy dealt with her time at the Homecoming Game. I have a feeling she's going to end up kicking a football player named Tyler's ass.

The title of this story is called "Homecoming." Clever. Very fucking clever, you Jem writing bitch.

Meanwhile back on Gemworld, Lady Mordiel of Amethyst tower is sucking the life from any female descended from the same bloodline as her. I think she might be the bad guy and the reason Amy is on Earth is to protect Amy from having her essence sucked out by Lady Mordiel. But now that she's about to turn 17, she can head back to Gemworld and challenge Lady Mordiel for the throne of Amethyst Tower. Maybe. That's my speculation anyway.

And back at the homecoming game (or afterward since Amy missed the whole thing)...

Oh look! The cliche rapist football players are about to do their thing.

Is this something that happens regularly in high school? How the fuck should I know? I was role playing Elves and sending my Russian troops into Germany to stop Hitler from taking over the world. Is this reality? Or is this cliche crap giving football players a bad name? It could easily have been happening at my high school and how would I have known? I spent most of my time as the cool rocker kid in the smart classes that befriended all of the nerds and geeks and stood up for them when I could. In Junior High, I was overweight but I was never teased or picked on and I actually made friends more easily than in high school. I think the look I cultivated in high school made me more unapproachable by the group of kids I tended to get along with. But shit like this? The only teen drama I knew was on PBS during episodes of Degrassi Junior High.

After Amy kicks major ass on the wanna-be rapists, she tries to befriend Beryl but Beryl runs scared from her. Why? I don't know. I would be hugging the shit out of her after that. Amy doesn't know what to think either and just heads home where her mom is waiting to take her to their real home.

Look at the way she's drinking that water! She wants it! Oh shit. I'm channeling the football players!

Amy's mother creates a portal which takes them to Gemworld where they find a loyal army waiting for them on the other side. Also waiting for them is an ambush by Lady Mordial's Hunters. They knew Amy and her mother would be back on the day Amy turned 17, the day she could take the power of the Amethyst for herself. Amy's mom tries to keep Amy safe but Amy will not be shoved into a hole to hide while her mother's life is at stake.

Meanwhile on Earth, John Constantine fucks with their portal back. What a dick.

That's the end of the Princess of Gemworld story. The back-up story is about Beowulf. But this Beowulf is not the old English version. This is the post-apocalyptic version! Much more exciting than a guy fighting ancient gender metaphors.

It's the same story featuring Hrothgar and Grendel's nightly raid on his mead halls. Only it takes place in the future!

I once spent a few months on CelticMUSH. Mostly playing Boggle. But I did write a story as a gift to Misty who invited me to the MUSH. Although we really only ever played Boggle. Fuck she was good at it.

The Boy takes Beowulf back to Hrothgar's Mead Hall while telling him the story of Grendel's nightly attacks.

Looks like Hrothgar's meadhall is the Blackhawk's Eyrie.

Swords of Sorcery #0 Rating: I like the teen drama of Amethyst and hope that her story bounces back and forth between worlds. And I really like the Beowulf back-up story as well even though it's negligibly different from the source material. It simply takes place in a post-apocalyptic future and Beowulf is some kind of cyborg. Super A+ Five Parrots Diamond Star rating!