It's finally here! The last issue of Captain Atom. I thought it should have been cancelled when the Second Wave began but I suppose there were lesser known heroes that nobody was buying that were making less money than poorly written comics about more popular heroes like Captain Atom, Batman, The Teen Titans, Green Arrow, Superboy, and Grifter. But now that Captain Atom is finished, I hope it starts a trend! You better buck up, Green Arrow, and stop being written so poorly! I wonder how many writer changes the Batman titles will get before one of those (The Dark Knight!) gets cancelled.
Captain Atom's origin has pretty much been fleshed out already. So this is what would bring Captain Atom and J.T. Krul back into my good graces: 19 pages of Captain Atom silently walking around the moon, watching Earth, the sun rise, the stars. No Narration Boxes. Simply Captain Atom growing more and more bored with the same routine. And then page 20, Captain Atom saying (in space!), "Fuck this!" and flying back toward Earth.
You know what? Pretend that's what the Zero Issue depicted. I'm not going to waste my time commenting on an issue showing Nathaniel flying about in planes and then being roped into the experiment that blasts his particles all over the universe until he finally manages to recombine himself using his horrible knowledge of biology, chemistry, physiology, and penis sizes. Here's some dialogue that I don't want to comment on but probably exists in this book.
Narration Box: "I had it all! Good looks! Family! A bit of a father issue but who doesn't have some of that? Hot sex every night with a different woman that I'd meet down at the bar just off the base where all the Air Force groupies would hang out. So why did I volunteer to have my molecules dispersed across the universe turning me into a lonely, philosophical, existentially brain damaged smurf?"
I keep glancing at the cover of Issue #0 and refusing to open it. I think I'm boycotting the final issue! Except I already paid for it so this is officially the worst boycott in history! Even if I hadn't purchased it, it would have been a boycott of $2.99. Which would still qualify it as the worst boycott in history. So I guess I might as well read the stupid mess.
I'm not biased at all! I'm just, um, realistic! Because remember what the great philosopher Captain Atom said: "Reality. Subjective. Objective." Yes. YES! Of course! Such staggering genius.
I just looked at the cover again and giggled. He's naked with abs and big muscles and hair but he didn't make himself a penis! I think that's essentially what's wrong with Captain Atom's nature. He has no balls. It's an analogy! Or a metaphor. Or a literal depiction of his inability to just fucking get on with things.
Speaking of an inability to get on with things, perhaps I should just break down and read this thing. I did pay for it, after all.
Captain Adam's father has died so he's been freaking out and breaking formation and acting like he's going to get himself killed while flying a plane. So he soon finds himself grounded. Since he can't do what he wants, he heads over to hang out with Dr. Megala. Dr. Megala gives his a bunch of bullshit about scientists and theories and basically states that general relativity is as theoretical as string theory. So from the start, the reader knows that Dr. Megala is crazy and he doesn't know what he's doing. So he decides to once and for all prove M Theory (which he defines by lifting the definition straight out of Wikipedia. I know that because I had to read about it) by sticking Captain Adam in a molecular oven.
But a monkey wouldn't have been able to entertain us with twelve issues of existentialist monologues.
Ha! This is the reaction I said he should have had when shown the universe destroying the previous universe!
I edited out a Narration Box to make the ending seem even more poutier and depressing than it really is. Ha ha!
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