Animal Man #0

This Origin should really be interesting! He's had so many incarnations and tweaks to what his power means and where it comes from, it'll be interesting to see how it all started in The New 52.

The issue begins a lot like Swamp Thing's issue began.

Anton Arcane disguised as a human and then eating another Avatar. What a dick.

This version of Anton Arcane isn't nearly as creepy as the one over in Swamp Thing. Also, this ruse has nothing to do with horror. It's just an ambush and a moment of conflict in a war. It brings up a question though: how did Anton Arcane die? He killed Alec Holland and this Animal Man five years ago. Because Alec had the memories of the Swamp Thing, I figure that between Alec's death and the beginning of The New 52, a Swamp Thing was running around fighting with Anton Arcane. Perhaps they killed each other at some point before The New 52 began. Hopefully that story will be told and DC isn't simply relying on readers knowing any Preboot history of Arcane's death.

This sets the Totems of the Red to call an emergency pot luck. And like usual, Socks brings the fish and the calm, logical reasoning.

Jeff Lemire seems to have a better handle on the balance between the Red, the Green, and the Gray than even Scott Snyder.

Since Maxine is yet to be born and Socks's dick is hard over these new super heroes, I bet he comes up with a plan that creates some guy who works for the Red but acts like a super hero! They'll probably call him Totem Fighter and he'll be able to shape change into all sorts of creatures. He'll fight crime while hiding from The Rot because why would The Rot think The Red had any interest at all in crime fighting? I can't wait to see their new super hero, Totem Fighter!

"Hmm. Totem Fighter. I like the sound of that!"

Since the Totems have this weird connection to blood (disgusting!), they can suss out who will give birth to the next Avatar. They've got the gene pool all figured out. So they get the Tailors in to create a temporary Avatar out of the man whose seed will enter a certain hot piece of uterus and fertilize the egg that will become Maxine Baker, Star of Blood and Guts! Who is it?

Oh no! That man is too ridiculous to become Totem Fighter! Just name that idiot Animal Man.

Buddy Baker is an actor slash stunt man. That doesn't mean he's a male actor that fucks male stunt men! It means he's part actor and part stuntman. Geez! I miss the good old days when that never would have been ambiguous! He's been looking for a real acting gig but stuck playing Chicken Thief to pay the bills. I would totally watch Chicken Thief right now if it were on Netflix. And a real movie.

Speaking of Avatars (I'm sure I was speaking of them at some point), someone needs to be using this as theirs.

It's Cliff's birthday so Buddy picks up some Penalizer comic books for him on the way home. I mention this because I'm always interested in the comic books which exist in the comic book world. Over in Justice League Dark, it was revealed the comic books in their world were having a big crossover event called Flashpoint. Two of the comic books were Deadman (but this version was Dick Grayson) and Secret Seven. While Mindwarp was into DC Parody Comics, Buddy's kid is apparently into Marvel Satire comics.

On his way home, Buddy Baker sees a light in the sky crash nearby. He stops to investigate and discovers a UFO. I had forgotten that Buddy Baker's Origin story was plagiarized from Green Lantern by the Totems. Last time I said that, a reader corrected me because he didn't understand it was a joke. Apparently a bad one. And I'm never against recycling horrible jokes!

I wonder if Grant Morrison was created by the Totems as well? This caption brought to you by People Who Read Animal Man During the Preboot.

The Tailors (disguised as aliens) connect Buddy Baker to the Red and then leave him in the woods with his costume. Maybe this narrative draws more from X-Files "Interview with Jose Chung" than Green Lantern. And then when Animal Man mutters, "This is not happening. This is not happening," he's right! And when everybody investigates what happens and comes up with different theories, well, they're all wrong because none of them, not even Rocky, come up with a theory about The Red.

Buddy flies home to surprise his family. Literally. Literally in the actual sense of the word literally! Because see how someone might normally say that somebody "flies home" meaning they're headed home really fast. But Buddy actually uses his Animal Man powers to fly like a bird. So when he flies home, he's actually flying. So, literally flies home. Some people might say they literally flew home when they headed home really fast. But those people are idiots that don't know the meaning of the word literally. This message brought to you by People Who Don't Really Care About the Way People Use the Word "Literally" But Think That Some Other People Regard It As an Intensifier. That organization's name is seriously too long. I believe a lot of people have adopted "literally" to replace "seriously" simply because nobody wants to use the same words the last ignorant generation full of assholes used. I think I like literally better than seriously because nothing was ever literally that serious when people used seriously as a descriptor.

"Relax, honey! I'm just doing something I've never done before in a ridiculous costume with your only son thirty feet in the air!"

Why is the wife always the character that wants to end the fun? And why is this behavior labeled as "being responsible"? Can't a person be responsible while also being whimsical and silly? Why are men always portrayed as just "small boys" when they immerse themselves in play and relaxation? And women are then portrayed as nagging sticks-in-the-mud because they're exasperated by the man not doing whatever she thinks he should be doing? This comment is not commentary on either males or females. It's a commentary on why are society seems to love and accept these gender roles.

Although in this case, Ellen has a fucking point.

Reap what you sow, Buddy Baker.

I'm not defending irresponsible men or women who have put themselves in a position where they need to take responsibility. I don't understand why someone that is acting responsible for the decisions they make is still seen as childish and irresponsible when they choose to live a life outside of society's "norms." Society and its mores is just a prison without walls where the prisoners are constantly judging the other inmates that are acting too free.

Meanwhile, The Rot already know about fetus Maxine. The Hunters Three already want to destroy her but Arcane tells them to wait. He believes she'll be more useful when she's alive. I think this comic could have done without this last page but I guess comic book writers can't help but end on a cliff-hanging sense of foreboding with a villain that has some special instinct or knowledge about how the future will play out. Too many cliches on that last page!

Animal Man #0 Rating: Pregnable!