The Darkseid War: Lex Luthor #1

Oh is the Darkseid War still happening?

How many people believe that Darkseid is truly dead forever and will never return to the DC Youniverse? Just me?

Hear me out before your rolling eyes pop out of your head from scoffing so loud! DC now has an ultimate evil in the form of the Anti-Monitor, so why do they need Darkseid too?

That was it. That was my argument! Was it convincing?! Maybe I should remind you that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader so that you'll nod your head in agreement and mutter, "That's a really good point."

Maybe instead of killing Darkseid for good, they can simply take away all of his powers forcing him to be stuck on Earth where he has to get a job at McDonalds?

This McDonalds ad ran in 1976 during the brief "Apokolips Meal" campaign which eventually morphed into the whole Happy Meal thing.

This issue begins with Lex Luthor boringly saying, "Darseid is dead. Long live Lex Luthor." It's like he's not a genius at all! He's just a bore like every other person in the world and/or on Apokolips! Have you noticed that I like using the "and/or" clause construction? Even when it's not necessary and/or doesn't make any sense to use!

As Lex Luthor turns into Lexseid, he remembers a time he fell in a well when the light was really weird and dampened all of the colors so that I thought maybe there was something wrong with the printing process that developed this comic book. It even frightened me for a brief second as I thought cataracts had suddenly descended upon me! But that only lasted for a split second before I looked around my office and noticed the bright vibrant colors of my Sailor Moon lunchbox were still bright and vibrant.

It's a good thing the colors are as muted as they are or else I wouldn't have realized it was a memory of Lex's since the young person that is presumably Lex has a lot of hair and was dumb enough to fall in a well.

This scene is a metaphor for DC Comics going back to their Daddy Issues well.

Lex Luthor's clothes were burnt off during the Omeganing so now he has to climb a mountain in Apokolips with his dick flopping out. Unless his dick is the kind of dick that just kind of pokes out of the pubic hair like a barnacle waiting for some boobies to turn it into a majestic Rod of Showmanship +3. He is a Caucasian and Caucasians tend to be growers because if they were showers (SHOW-ers and not showers like the water falling) then their ancestors' dicks would have gotten frostbite and been useless. So showers never procreated in the cold climates of the north because their dicks fell off leaving only generations of growers. Meanwhile Africans were swinging their dicks around naked because they didn't have to worry about dickfreeze. And obviously a naked shower is much more enticing than a naked grower so they created generations of showers. It's totally obvious and almost certainly true biological history of the evolution of wieners. I stand by my research (conducted mostly in the locker room at the local Planet Fitness).

Lexseid decides he doesn't need his Apokoliptian Yoda and tries to kill her. But instead of killing her, he explodes, leaving him hanging off of a cliff which is the perfect time to have another memory!

The time Perry White snowballed him is a weird memory to have while nearly dying.

While hanging from the cliff, we get a pretty good shot of Lex's cock.

Well, Mr. Luthor, I apologize for assuming you were a grower.

Ardora, Lex's Yoda, offers to help pull him up from the ledge just like Lex's father didn't do when he was in the well. This is the moment when a character's heart would usually grow three sizes. But those characters aren't usually full of low self-esteem and not Omega Energy. Lex is also full of memories so he decides to remember when he first met Superman and Superman also attempted to help save his life (even though Superman was going to give him up to the authorities afterward). That time, Lex decided not to take Superman's help because he remembered how his father told him asking for help was for pussy baby whiny dum-dums. And Superman wasn't going to make a pussy baby whiny dum-dum out of Lex Luthor! Luthor would rather die than rely on charity! Or at least he'd rather die than have anybody find out that he once relied on charity because that would destroy his entire philosophy about how charity makes people weak and they might realize his two greatest books were written by a selfish charlatan who was merely embracing any philosophy that justified his greed! Oh, sorry. I was thinking of Ayn Rand.

Ardora's efforts to save Lex with little thought to her own safety cause Lex's Omega Energy to grow three sizes instead of his heart. Or maybe both grew. Along with something else, if you get my sneaky innuendo!

Lexseid and the Omega Energy become bosom pals which leads to Lex Luthor becoming the new ruler of Apokolips. Which means he now has an army of parademons to help achieve his goals. Which probably means he's going to use them for stupid shit like destroying The Daily Planet out of petty revenge and trying to convince everybody that Superman is an asshole. Oh wait, he doesn't have to do that latter one since Lois took care of it months ago.

The Darkseid War: Lex Luthor #1 Rating: Compared to most of the other Darkseid War tie-ins, this one was really good. Like the other one I liked (Green Lantern, I think? It's been so long since I read it!), this story was really driven by the character of Lex Luthor and less by the awesome spectacle of the event transforming the character into a god. I could have done with less Luthor ass and cock though.