Justice League #46

Was there not one female Looney Tunes character that wasn't a knockoff of a male character? Was Tweety female?!

The Justice League have all turned into Gods except for Cyborg because nobody believes in a God of Computers. That's just silly. And Wonder Woman is already a God which is why she didn't get her own special comic book and not because she's a woman at all. I mean, you'd think giving one-shots to all the white males while leaving the black guy and the woman out might be seen by some in an unfavorable light. Although most people might just view it as DC Comics' Regular Policy of not giving a fuck about anybody but white male readers even though they spent all that money screaming at us about how inclusive they're now being because this is the DC YOU, GODDAMMIT! But that's just the cynical way of reading events while purposefully ignoring the facts. Simply put, Wonder Woman is already a god which would make it impossible for her to become another god. And making a God of Computers is practically a paradox if you don't think about it at all and just shut up already.

This issue begins with Wonder Woman Godsplaining things to the reader. "Gods aren't always born! Sometimes they're made! Now I'm going to use a clay analogy because WINK! GET IT?!" She then goes on to tell the tale of Queen Ino who was transformed into a god on the day she committed suicide. This story parallels the Justice League's current situation in that it tells the story of a mortal becoming a god. The point of the story to Wonder Woman?

Technically, there still would have been an Odyssey except it would have been different and probably much shorter. Technically technically, without Homer there would have been no Odyssey.

Forget what Wonder Woman is saying. I think what Geoff Johns is saying is "I'm writing the next fucking Odyssey, bitches!"

The current battle on Earth is taking place between Wonder Woman, Mister Miracle, Cyborg, Steve Trevor, and Power Ring on the good side and Kalibak, Lashina, Steppenwolf, and that New God assassin with the name that begins with "K" that my brain is selfishly keeping for itself on the bad side. I suppose it will prove to be super exciting minus the bit where Steve Trevor is killed instantly.

Although--let's face it--watching Steve Trevor killed on-panel will be pretty cool.

Kanto (that's his stupid name!) manages to stab Mister Miracle in the side with a magic knife because being the universe's greatest escape artist isn't quite good enough if you're facing the universe's greatest assassin. Although even when Mister Miracle has no hand in it, he manages to escape. This time he gets lucky because Big Barda appears saying, "There you are! Are we finally going to have a New 52 relationship that isn't bullshit Earth-2 garbage that makes no sense and pits us against each other because Dan Didio has issues with positive portrayals of relationships?!" She then precedes to hand Kanto his asshole on a silver platter. That's a cute image, right?

Ah yes! This dialogue is reminiscent of the best lines from the great Greek tragedies!

Whenever a writer uses the "VERB THIS!" one-liner, I always read it as "I am on a deadline and cannot spend time thinking up a clever retort so I will just insert this piece of placeholder writing and come back later to punch it up but I'm really just kidding myself because I'll never have time to fix it and it's going to print like this and I should be fucking embarrassed."

Mister Miracle introduces Steve Trevor to Big Barda as "his wife." Way to make it all about you, prick. She has her own fucking first name! It's "Big"! Try using it next time!

So after Big Barda defeats everybody except Lashina in about two panels (Lashina needs to be conscious to say something totally bitchy, of course), this happens:

Which is followed by this:

Which is basically a pantomime of "Superman just got fucking dumped and Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor are going to be banging the shit out of each other in an alley in about thirty minutes."

I say "Superman just got fucking dumped" as if Superman hasn't already broken up with Wonder Woman because this Justice League continuity is totally different from the other DC Youniverse continuity. And if it simply takes place at some point before the current DC You continuity then maybe it explains the real reasons behind why Superman broke up with Wonder Woman. Because he superhears Wonder Woman coming her brains out thirty-three minutes from now.

Lashina tells Barda that she's going to tell on Barda to Granny Goodness while Darkseid's smoking remains lie in the background. Lashina doesn't say, "I totally get it, Barda! I loved my freedom too when I was a member of the Suicide Squad! Go and be happy with Scot Free! I will envy you every day and probably take your huge barbed dildo since you won't be needing it anymore, right?"

Lashina and Barda exchange harsh words while Cyborg is all, "I think I'll stand on this overturned bus in the background. Does that look cool? I look totally cool now, right?" Kalibak interrupts the threats and posturing by making everybody uncomfortable watching him cry over his father's corpse. He decides that they don't need to fight the Justice League. It's time to go on an odyssey and hunt down the Anti-Monitor!

Meanwhile, Metron is trapped in the Rock of Eternity because some Batdick thought it was his right to simply take one of Metron's most prized possessions. This would be part of my evidence for the trial Batman vs. Justice in which I make the argument that Batman only uses his supposed obsession for justice to selfishly do whatever the fuck he wants and to make loads of money as Bruce Wayne by buying property in poor neighborhoods at a steal and then cleaning up those neighborhoods and gentrifying the shit out of the neighborhood now owned mostly by Wayne Enterprises.

Apparently Superwoman was starving on Earth-3. Wasn't she worried about the health of her Batbaby?

Wonder Woman is thinking about the Crime Syndicate because their world was destroyed by the Anti-Monitor. So it's time to go ask Superwoman some questions.

Oh yes. Breaking into a government facility for justice is always better than trying to point out to bureaucrats how the fate of the world hangs in the balance and maybe Wonder Woman might be allowed a moment with Superwoman and her lasso in this instance. Seriously. I wasn't being sarcastic. Fucking bureaucrats are assholes.

Mister Miracle points out that if the Justice League needs to get in somewhere, he can get them in. Meanwhile Cyborg stands in the background with his shoulders slumped, a small teardrop over his forehead, and exhaling a puffy cloud of breath. I suppose it's better to rely on people who have used BOOM Tube technology their entire lives but I'm sure Cyborg would at least appreciate being acknowledged.

Cyborg, Power Ring, Big Barda, and Mister Miracle go on the mission to speak with Ultraman and Superwoman. Yeah. That makes sense. Leave the person with the polygraph lasso behind when going to get information out of hostile individuals.

Wonder Woman probably chose the away team so that she could be alone with Steve Trevor and that alley.

Whew! I'm glad he didn't have to superhear the banging. But he did superhear Wonder Woman say she doesn't love him. That's probably the seed of why he ended it before she could. Poor baby.

Superman decides his best move is to grab Steve Trevor by the head and threaten him. He really is naive, isn't he? That move just put Wonder Woman firmly in Steve Trevor's pants. I mean camp.

Batman is currently still obsessing over The Joker because what else can he do with a chair that gives him all the knowledge of everything? This totally isn't proof that he's a selfish twat incapable of actually caring about helping the world. It's all about him, isn't it?

The Flash is still racing Death.

Shazam is flying around space.

Green Lantern is headed to Gotham to talk Batman out of becoming BatParallax.

Lex Luthor is plotting.

Grail is recovering the anti-life equation from the Anti-Monitor so that he becomes meaningless to the story. This is my second reason that I just came up with for thinking Darkseid is dead for good. Grail will become the next ruler of Apokolips when this is over! This is the DC You, dammit! It's time a woman was the ultimate evil in the universe! Except that Grail's last words as she cuddles the anti-life equation are "Because death is too good for Darkseid." She's both not very good at being a huge super villain and awesome at it all at the same time! Because this is exactly how the greatest super villains sabotage their own plans! So see? Awesome and not very good at the same time!

Justice League #46 Rating: No change. I almost gave this comic book an increase in rankings and then remembered that Wonder Woman sent the exact wrong team to Belle Reve. She chose the team so poorly that they BOOM Tubed outside of Belle Reve because they have no idea exactly where Ultraman and Superwoman are being kept. Who might? Oh, that's right! Steve Trevor! So the person with the knowledge of where they need to go and the person with the tool to get information out of the people they're trying to find are the two people who didn't go on the mission. She should have picked Cyborg to take them since why is she trusting Barda and Mister Miracle with the fate of the world?! And here's a thought that maybe makes the entire trip to Belle Reve a waste of time: just fucking ask Power Ring's ring, Volthoom! I'm sure Jessica could trick it into revealing something. Or perhaps it would just like to give all the information it has on the Anti-monitor because it has a strong sense of self-preservation, right?! Another point that irked me even though I'm generally enjoying this entire story is that Grail was given the title "Goddess of Anti-Life." That's just stupid in a way that makes me not want to explain how stupid it is because it's so stupid I don't want to think about it anymore plus I'm lazy and it's easier to not come up with a reason. Oh! I'm not at all bitter or jealous that Geoff Johns insinuated he's a modern Homer at all and that nobody has ever called me the Internet Blogger's Answer to Herman Melville.

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