Batman and Robin Eternal #9

Bane is like an exclamatory clause inserted in the middle of a sentence using em dashes. It doesn't need to be there but it makes everything a lot more exciting and helps pad out the content.

As if the Bat-Kids didn't have enough shit driving their self-esteem straight through the floor, now Bane is going to pull a Snowden on them and remind them how frail their bodies actually are?

You know what? I apologize for trying to sound smart by dropping that "Snowden" bit in there. It was irresponsible of me to pretend that I know anything about the greatest American book to ever be written by somebody other than John Steinbeck. By pretending that I understood anything about what Snowden meant to Yossarian, I weave the illusion that I actually understand things that I've pretended I've read. Catch-22 is so good that I often pretend that I've read it multiple times! My favorite part is the part with the bombers and maybe the part with the Italian prostitute and the shoe. If those things aren't actually in the book, I was just kidding about those being my favorite parts and my actual favorite part is the part about the cotton. So funny! And subversive? Possibly romantic? Oh, you remember the part and how you were meant to feel when reading it! It was so that!

Currently, Tim Drake and Jason Todd are flying over Santa Prisca because they remembered that the island nation of Gamorra had been destroyed years ago. It's best to forget that they were ever there even though Tim Drake mentions their currency (the Kaizen!) while trying to not be shot down by Santa Priscan Prison Fighter Jets. Jason Todd simply sits in the back of the Robinwing not sticking his head out of the window and firing his gun backwards at the pursuing jets like he really should be doing. I bet he'd try doing that in Red Hood Loves Arsenal!

I'd question the need for even one kind of shark repellant except the Bat-Family has some really oddball enemies that wouldn't hesitate to use up to three different kinds of sharks in their traps. Four is probably overkill and silly though.

Tim and Jason get shot out of the sky and they glide down safely to Santa Prisca. Although that might be the last thing they do safely since you did read the "Santa Prisca" part of that sentence, right? For readers who don't know what Santa Prisca is, it's the kind of island nation that incarcerates babies because the prison believes in Quasi-Original Sin, I guess. That's the kind of sin where your father escapes justice before going to prison and the legal system shrugs its shoulders and says, "Does he have a kid? Make him do the time!" I have a feeling most of the Republicans vying for the presidency wouldn't discount this idea. Hell, I bet even Hilary would be on board in certain cases. The patriarchy practically runs this way in a sly, winking way anyway! Rich people inherit their money and power through generational legacies, and poverty stricken people inherit the shit and the shaft.

Jason and Tim discover that Peña Duro prison has been replaced by a church called The Crusade of St. Dumas. I think establishing a church on the site of a prison is some kind of social commentary that might make religious people bristle. Or, more likely, they'd come up with an optimistic and hopeful think piece that ignores how religious institutions are simply prisons of the mind. Also when somebody writes a think piece from a religious point of view, I should really type it as "think" piece. Brazanga!

That's what I say when I really bring the heat to an archaic institution that is vastly more powerful than me! Brazanga! It's totally my catch phrase and everybody is always saying, "Tess! Tess! Say it for me! Come on! Say it!" But then I have to respond, "I cannot say it for I have not laid down the smackings upon my enemies!" Then the imaginary people clamoring for my attention would sulk and begin to walk away depressed. But I wouldn't want them to be sad so I'd clear my throat and say, "BRAZ...are what women wear! Ha ha! Got you! Brazanga!" Then they'd cheer and lift me up on their shoulders and hopefully my story would have a happy ending. You know what kind of happy ending I mean. Not the fairy tale kind. The adult kind.

Jason Todd mentions that everywhere the Order of St. Dumas does business, people report seeing an angel with a flaming sword. No! NO! I do not want to see Azrael appear in The New 52 unless it's so he can be killed. That will be acceptable. But enough about terrible possible guest appearances. Let's get to the terrible actual guest appearance!

Speaking of people who aren't actually as dumb as they seem...Bane!

You know what? I apologize for trying to imply that I'm not actually as dumb as I seem. I try to be honest in these commentaries and I don't want to give the wrong impression. Yes, I am in fact as dumb as I seem. If I were actually smart, would I be reading every single comic book DC puts out while completely ignoring all of the independent comic books that Patton Oswalt reads?! He makes sure people know how smart he is so I should totally read the smart comic books he's smarting it up with. But instead I pick up shit like Doctor Fate and Aquaman and Deathstroke and Lobo and Batman Beyond and Teen Titans! Oh god. Why am I wasting my life?! Can I get a redo or a start over?!

Bane attacks Jason then hops into the woods only to turn around, run back, and attack him again. So this obviously isn't Bane. It's a hybrid of Bane and Tigger. Bigger? Banger?

Partway through the fight, Bane loses his mask. I don't know how he loses it. It just sort of disappears from one panel to the next. Without his mask, he just kind of looks like Zangeif from Street Fighter. Did I spell that right? According to Lord Google, no, I did not spell it correctly. It's Zangief! Duh! Obviously it's "'i' before 'e' except after 'c' especially when used in a foreign name but not in words like 'foreign' and many other weird exceptions like 'weird'."

Red Hood loses his mask as well but that happens on panel because Bane smashes his face into the ground. Luckily Jason Todd's head doesn't explode because no matter what comic books may have proven otherwise time and time again, Red Hood's mask isn't as strong as the human skull. So it must be made out of papier-mâché or something with less accents that I can type next time I want to compare something to papier-mâché.

Tim convinces Bane to help them investigate the church and in return, they'll leave Santa Prisca to Bane. I suppose that's okay if you don't care about innocent citizens living on the island. Are there any innocents on Santa Prisca? Probably not or else why would Tim leave them powerless against Bane? Although Bane probably isn't any worse of a leader than Ronald Reagan, so the Santa Priscans should be okay for at least a couple of decades before Bane's destruction of the government revenue system collapses around the middle class's ears.

Meanwhile in Prague, Dick Grayson is teaching Harper Row a whole bunch of lessons she'll eventually be thankful for when she matures. Especially the one about quipping! Although I might have to argue that Peter Parker invented it. I suppose Dick doesn't know about him though, so he can have the credit in this Youniverse.

The artist on this issue is lazy. The Bat-Ossuary is now just a Bat-cave with one skull lying around.

Harper thinks Dick is a jerk and she lets him know it. But hardly anybody thinks Dick is a jerk! Everybody loves him! Except maybe Jason Todd. Or Barbara Gordon. Or Roy Harper. Or Lex Luthor. Or...and I'm just guessing here...Starfire! Before my list kept getting longer, I was going to say maybe the problem was with Harper's chip on her shoulder. But maybe she's on to something!

Dick is combing through Batman's old files for clues as to Mother's new location so it's as good a time as any for a flashback to when Mother revealed to Bruce Wayne that she knew he was the Batman! And she knows that he's looking for a better Robin than Dick Grayson! Or, at least, that's what she suspects. And she thinks she can make Batman suspect that too by telling him all about how that's what he's actually looking for. She really thinks superheroes are that fragile?! I mean, maybe Red Robin and Red Hood and Arsenal are! But Batman is obsessed and stubborn and he's thought long and hard about just how crazy he is. Nobody is going to change his mind with one suggestion!

I bet Marcus Aurelius said some really witty and profound things while the girl suffered!

You know what? I apologize for implying that I know anything at all about Marcus Aurelius. It's just that, growing up, my parents had a bunch of books in the basement full of collected works which I pretended to have read, and one of them was something about the wisdom of Marcus Aurelius. So I sort of know that he was this guy who said wise things when he wasn't martyring Christians.

Bane and his soon-to-be martyred Bat-kids infiltrate the Church of Whatever the Name of the Church Was That I'm Too Lazy To Flip Back A Few Pages To Read Or To Scan The Words I Typed Previously Even Though I Know I Mentioned It And Typing All Of This Has Probably Already Taken Longer Than If I Had Just Looked Up It's Name. They find Robot Pope giving holy communion to Bane's soldiers. This sounds like it might be the kind of religion I would be into! Minus the Azrael is their hero part.

Did anybody else find the phrase "Heretics have breached our sanctum" hilariously naughty?

The person shouting about having his sanctum breached is the guy I've been uselessly hoping and praying (both because prayer and hope are, effectively, useless (without going into the benefits within one's own mind) and because I knew he would eventually show up) wouldn't show up.

I bet Azrael is the Robin Batman paid for!

Batman and Robin Eternal #9 Rating: No change. You know what? I apologize for trying to make myself seem smarter than I am by constantly claiming that I'm really stupid. It was a stupid thing to do that only a really stupid person would stupidly attempt and all of you readers are far too intelligent to fall for such a ploy. I'm a fucking idiot so you probably shouldn't care what I think about any comic book I read. Although this one was entertaining enough if you pretend that the reveal at the end was The Spook!

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