Batman and Robin Eternal #10

Batman died seven years ago?!

Azrael showed up at the end of last issue. Azrael. Goddamned fucking Azrael. I'm going to swear a little more now because Azrael showed up. Fucking bullshit. Fucking Goddamned fucking pussy cock asshole fucking fuck fuck bullshit motherfucker fuck!

Although! And this is the "although" that has kept me optimistic for a comic book that I can get through without putting my head through a wall! You can tell because I put an exclamation after it and then wrote all of this other garbage explaining why it's such a great although! Although, it's almost a one hundred percent certainty that this Azrael is not Jean-Paul Valley! It's actually Jean-Paul Valley who I hate with the very core of my hate-generator which makes up most of my being. I'm okay with Azrael. I can come to terms with Azrael. But if that fucking smarmy Danny Chase Cousin Oliver Scrappy Doo fucking Jean-Paul Valley winds up being the guy behind the flaming sword, I swear to Christ--Yes! To Christ!--I will mail Tynion and Snyder a letter comprised of three pages full of the word fuck. Is that too aggressive? I think it might not actually properly convey my true feelings! But it's about as much action as I'm willing to take before I simply get bored and move on to other things.

I'm lying. I'm already too bored with the idea even if it does wind up being Jean-Paul Valley. Maybe I can pay the neighbor kid to compose and send the letter.

One thing is certain: this Azrael is smarter than 99% of Bane's previous opponents.

I realize that most of Bane's opponents, due to the length of the planned story, are never allowed to cut off his supply of venom until the climactic moment. Still, it's nice to see that it's Azrael's first move. Bane might want to consider wearing more than a tank top so that he can hide the tanks and the obvious method of venom delivery.

I've reconsidered. I hate Azrael no matter who it is.

Bane is converted by "the wrath of a secret god" while Jason and Tim run off to hack a computer or something.

The computer they've come to hack is called the Gnosis Aionios so I'm pretty sure it's Philip K. Dick's. Because Jason Todd is out of bullets and I guess he's no good at hand-to-hand fighting in this issue, he's in charge of hacking the computer while Tim Drake battles monks and yells out hacking instructions.

Excuse me while I grab my stationary to take next door so I can teach the neighbor kid Alex how to spell "fuck".

Hopefully Jean-Paul Valley was the kid designed to be Batman's perfect Robin. He would be a great asset to the Bat-family! Everybody needs a fucking Andy or Olivia to liven up an old show and to illustrate how the original members of the television family were actually likeable.

Now that everybody's day has been ruined because the name "Jean-Paul Valley" has appeared in The New 52 (Convergence doesn't count!), it's time for a flashback!

You've got to admit, Dick, you really aren't not any of those things.

Batman decides to speak with Mother about getting a better Robin because he once beat the shit out of another kid in second grade. It makes more sense if you're reading the comic book instead of just reading this bullshit of mine. Although you know reading DC Comics that you'll never have any erotic or racy bits which is probably why you're reading this. You just can't wait until I write some more Harley Quinn masturbation fan fiction, can you? I could have linked to the masturbation fan-fic but I figure if you're interested, you know how to work the internet.

The flashback makes it seem like Robin stormed off so Batman decided to ask Mother for a new Robin. But he has a hole in him when Robin storms off and he's just fine in the scene with Mother. So it's probably a flashback in a flashback where Batman has already made the deal with Mother and he's just getting back now after realizing how much danger Dick is in.

Back in the present, Tim and Jason decide to confront Jean-Paul.

Jean-Paul Valley is starting to grow on me. He reminds me of Philip K. Dick. Except for the murasame bit.

In the old computer game, Wizardry, there was a Murasame Blade. It could have been in Knight of Diamonds or Legacy of Llylgamyn; I can't rightly recall. I just wanted to mention that because those were the days when you couldn't just hop on the computer to find out what the hell that meant. In Legacy of Llylgamyn, you could find a Butterfly Knife. I had no idea what that actually looked like until my friend Sal purchased one because he thought he was a fucking ninja. I mean, he was closer to a ninja than anybody I knew. But Cheech and Chong never did a ninja movie so nobody would have believed in a Mexican ninja.

By grabbing Tim's face, Azrael imparts some kind of self-gnosis into Tim's brain. It's like mainlining the I Ching while slamming your dick in The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick. It had the power to subdue Bane and now Tim is drunk on it. But Jason Todd has the cure!

Okay, that's not so much a cure as a reprieve.

Jason and Tim jump out of the church and swim back to Gotham.

Meanwhile, Dick and Harper have found some clues which lead them to British Columbia where a man named David Cain lives. He's either The Orphan or he's responsible for The Orphan or something. The only sure thing is that he's Cassandra's father because they both have the same last name. Unless he's her mother. Or brother. Or something. Instead of finding Cain or The Orphan, they run into somebody calling herself The Sculptor who greets Harper Row as a long lost statue.

Batman and Robin Eternal #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. I really thought the story made some interesting points and had some really intense philosophical moments whe...I mean FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK 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This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! You probably didn't make it past the sea of fucks to read this but I don't mind because those fucks had to be there. Because of, you know, Jean-Paul Valley. Anyway, this one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As King Beauregard says about my site: “[I]f [DC Comics] had a lick of sense they'd pony up $1 each and pay attention to what you have to say.” Hear that, DC?! Let's see the moola, as they say in that movie I never saw but people loved to quote. If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!