Secret Six #8

Etrigan is my favorite DC character of all time. I don't think that was a secret.

What's the secret?!

Have we figured out the secret yet? It's been almost a year since this comic book began and my memory doesn't retain information across that much space. Or is it time? Is there really a difference? My favorite concept of time was from Elfquest when somebody or another (probably an elf!) said that thing about time being just things and places to put them. Or something. Remember that part earlier when I said I don't retain information very well?

Since this book is about secrets, I thought maybe I'd begin by telling one of my own. Not my most deepest darkest secret, of course! That's between me and Satan. This is just a little secret that's embarrassing and which I wouldn't tell you if I knew any of you personally.

When I was a single digit little boy, I would sometimes wake up at night needing to pee. And even though my childhood bedroom had its own bathroom just three feet away from my bed, I would often be too scared to go into the bathroom. I don't know what I was scared of but it must have had something to do with opening a door and passing through a portal. So instead of walking a few feet into the bathroom to use the toilet, I would go into the corner of my bedroom with the closet door to my right (also scary!) and the heating vent to the left and I would pee on the rug. It was yellow shag carpeting and I think it did a decent job sopping up the pee. Plus the heating vent probably helped dry it up. Being a disgusting little kid, I don't know how badly it smelled or how often I really did it. I did it for a long enough period of time that the rug was crunchy and hard in that corner of the room but not long enough so that the floor collapsed underneath me. Eventually one of the cats began, occasionally, using that corner to poop. I think my mom cleaned that up and then just assumed that the cat had been peeing in that corner for a long time. It's not like my mom knew the difference between cat urine and stupid scared little kid urine. So I basically lived in a toilet.

How about we all just pretend that I made up the previous secret and enjoy my reactions to this comic book now?

This issue begins with a caveman being visited by a monolith. Or some Great Old Ones. Something that made him crack up and turn violent. They're probably mankind's neighbors living just down the lane past the White Gate. It's probably those Great Old Ones that the Occult Collective of Magic-Users are trying to keep from RSVPing to Black Alice's pubescent magical awakening. Oh, what a magical time in a young magic girl's magic life! To be young again but this time a girl so I could experience the confusion of my crazily changing body! So I could go through major hormonal shifts as I tried to figure out who I was and my place in the world! And during all of this chaotic business of becoming a woman, I would have to constantly fend off unwanted passes by the most disgusting and vile creatures to ever be thought of as sentient: man! Although if that cute boy with the floppy blond hair that sits two seats up and three seats over in Algebra made a pass at me, I don't know what I'd do! Seriously. What would I do? Let him touch my shoulder? Does that do it for girls? Maybe let him tell me my hair looks clean? Oh! I know! I'd put some extra OOMPH! in my skip as I left class so that my skirt would rise up just enough so that he'd see the big bruise on my thigh and he'd know I totally love playing tackle football!

Oh! Oh! Flygoat is a recurring character! Now I'm less angry at Gail Simone for hurting the poor goat. He looks happy!

Just inside the hospital, past the goat with the fly's head (pay him no heed. He's cool eating flowers), Klarion and his friends are trying to send Black Alice to Limbo. But she's decided to channel Swamp Thing and Amethyst and Black Orchid and Cheetah and Zatanna and Madame Xanadu and Blue Devil and Morgaine le Fey! Felix Faust notices that she didn't choose to channel any of his power because his power smells like old man farts. Probably. Alice pins her rivals to the wall (after making Cheetah naked (Is this where I say meow? That would be wrong, right? Because Cheetahs don't meow)) but before she can go any further, I just have to scan this scene that interrupted the action.

The last time I dressed as a comic book character it was as Captain Cold for a gaming convention I threw for my friends in 2003. Now I have a costume for my next one: mini-golf Etrigan!

The person saying "Perhaps I can help?" It's an Atlantean. One of the magic ones descended from Arion from Warlord and not one of the fishy ones that legally has to take Aquaman seriously.

The Daughter of Arion and Black Orchid help explain what's happening to the two separate groups of Secret Six members. Arion built the White Gate to keep the Great Old Ones at bay. And now Black Alice is tearing it down the way teenagers tend to tear shit down. You know, recklessly and without regards to consequence and hopefully to maybe get laid by that guy two seats up and three seats over in Algebra. The only way to stop the Great Old Ones from coming through completely is to either destroy some uncircumcised albino penises or to protect them. One of those depending on if you want to team up with Etrigan and Arion's Kids or Felix Faust and Klarion. Since Klarion doesn't currently have Teekl with him, it's not even a close choice for me. Etrigan all the way!

Yay! The team makes the right choice! Now if only somebody will convince most of them to stay home so that this simply becomes Brave and the Bold style comic book starring just Etrigan and Ferdie.

Big Shot hires probably the worst babysitters in the DC You (aside from Red Hood and Arsenal): Scandal Savage and Rag Doll. Since Jeannette is a banshee and thus magical and thus can be sucked dry by Alice's deviant young lusts, she goes to destroy the albino penises with the Secret Six. This family is getting too big to justify the "six" on the cover. It's like in the eighties when 80% of the Teen Titans weren't teens anymore! They eventually fixed that by simply removing the "teen" from the title but not after they'd already tried to justify the "teen" by bringing in that awful buzzkill Danny Chase.

Arion's Kids send Etrigan, Strix, Catman, Big Shot (Ralph!), Shawna, Ferdie, Jeannette and Porcelain to Atlantis. But she warns them that they might have to battle the "false king" to do so. I guess Aquaman really treasures his eight foot tall penis statue.

He's blocking his costume phallus with his gift from Poseidon phallus!

Catman and Aquaman scuffle which completely blocks out any thought of helping Alice as everybody sits around to watch the beefcake battle. But when their makeshift bubble at the bottom of the sea begins collapsing, everybody gets back to work. They do manage to free the mighty white phallus but too late. The sea comes collapsing in on them and they...well, come on. They obviously don't die! Aquaman probably calls in some saddled up sea horses to whisk them away to safety. But Arion's Kids believe they've died. They shed their skin and head into the sea to find some other suckers to break the pillars of the White Gate for them. Whoops. I guess Etrigan's team was the wrong side to choose! But you can't blame them. Who would ever agree to be on Felix Faust's team? The Occult Collective of Magic-users really should have put more thought into who they'd have representing their side. Black Alice is a young hip kid! Klarion might have been a decent choice but you don't send him in their with Whispy Haired Grandpa Smells Like Farts.

Secret Six #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sometimes I feel like some comic books don't need to be reviewed. I feel like they should just sell because people who want to read well-written comic books aren't totally stupid and will pick up the comic books worth reading. But then I remember that The Movement was cancelled because the assumption I just laid out in the previous sentence must be wrong. Also, Image is really putting on a good show and taking most of the money of discriminating comic book readers! And most of the comic book readers today never lived through the years where Image nearly destroyed comic books forever. All they know is that Image is a terrific company that gives writers and artists the chance to sell work they own and which they truly care about. Sure, it was like that in the nineties too (kind of. I mean, many of the founders also slipped into the work-for-hire bullshit that caused them to start Image in the first place) but a lot of the art and stories back then were a fucking mess. Anyway, if any of y'all have an extra $2.99 to spend each month and you aren't currently reading Secret Six, give it a chance. And if you don't like it, you can pretend I called you a douchebag after you finish.

Now stop being cheapskates and go participate in making me wealthy for writing comic book reviews! Go here and be joyous!