Justice League #19

I thought these covers were supposed to be surprising.

The League finally had their big recruitment drive last issue. They didn't so much as pick the best of the bunch as took whoever agreed to join. Most of the experienced heroes have their own lives and comic book titles and issues with Batman and so decided to pass on the offer. But Firestorm's comic book isn't long for the shelves, so he joined. I don't know why Batman and the rest want two high school kids on the roster. Every time the main group heads into deep space for some cosmic battle, the satellite is going to be used for a house party. They also accepted Element Woman who has a Preboot history of depression and suicide according to The Sandman. So that should be fun! And the Reboot version of The Atom joined because every team needs a teeny, tiny person that's useful in less situations than a guy that speaks with fish.

Like you'd expect, this issue begins in the Batcave with Red Hood hanging out with Alfred Pennyworth.

It's nice to see Alfred grieving. I mean, it's not enjoyable. It's not giving me joy. It doesn't turn me on or anything. Next I want to see him angry and punching Bruce in the face for risking kids' lives.

A mysterious man in a black body suit and red goggles interrupts the mourning process by shocking Red Hood into unconsciousness (didn't the All Caste teach him how to not be incapacitated by electricity?) and throwing Alfred through a glass case. He then enters some secret secret sanctum of the Batcave by pressing his hand into the WayneTech Palm Reading Security Scanner and clicking the secret button hidden in the rocky outcropping of the secret rock button wall. He then uses his eyeballs on the WayneTech High Definition Eyeball Sensing Sensor Scan to get himself into the vault which contains items to use against his best friends when he really, really needs to win an argument with one of them.

Only Batman could possibly figure out a way to defeat every other hero and have that solution fit in a box the size of a briefcase.

Superman's method of defeat is easy which is why, I suppose, Johns decided to show similar boxes for the other heroes. A Kryptonite Ring fits nicely in a briefcase. But what could possibly be in the other cases? Aquaman's probably has super concentrated fish food to slip into one of his meals so that he overeats and his belly explodes. Cyborg's case contains a great big super-powerful magnet to stick on the side of his head. Wonder Woman's case probably has a Big Book of Insults to Women so Batman can hurl them at her as they fight and get her off her game. Green Lantern's case might have contained some yellow powder at one time but now I imagine Batman probably just has his own Green Lantern ring. And Batman with a Green Lantern ring powered by willpower is the definition of unbeatable. The Flash's case probably just has a bunch of piano wire that Batman will string around Central City so that The Flash simply decapitates himself while going out for tacos.

After this mysterious man infiltrates the Batcave the way nobody but Batman could, the scene shifts to The Atom playing computer games. But she has to leave her guild on their raid because she has a meeting with the Justice League. Her guildmates call her a traitor and I think that might be some kind of foreshadowing. Or else it's Red Herring Foreshadowing. It's one of those which means it doesn't really help nail anything down except that half the people who guess one of those things will be able to tell the other half of the people guessing, "I told you so!"

The Atom meets up with Firestorm on the Justice League Satellite as they await the main group so they can get their Passcards and Teleport Authority Codes and the Justice League Manual on Sexual Harassment in the Workplace. I wonder who handles Human Resources in the Justice League? It's not like when they had Sue Dibny to take care of all the non-catastrophic related issues. She was probably the most important part of the Justice League and now Johns expects me to believe that this League can run without someone like Sue handling the day to day matters? Maybe Cyborg simply has an App for that.

The current Justice League are all busy taking care of busy business. Superman and Wonder Woman are in Khandaq dealing with the Sons of Adam. Does that mean that Captain Atom's version of the future is going to come true no matter what Captain Atom managed to accomplish in his comic book's stupid time travel story? No, no. This is Khandaq which is Black Adam's country. Or will be. Or was, at least, in the Preboot. Besides, the revolutionaries wear patches on their uniforms showing Black Adam's lightning bolt.

Cyborg, Batman, and Aquaman are investigating the break-in at the Batcave. While Batman lies to Aquaman and Cyborg about what the intruder may have stolen, Cyborg gets a news alert that could mean trouble.

This is exactly the type of thing Batman warned Superman about. They can't be fucking with world politics without causing more trouble than they may be preventing.

Superman and Wonder Woman have a conversation about interfering with humanity to make the world a better place. Superman mentions how he made the decision a long time ago to inspire and not to interfere. Well, technically Batman made that choice for you, Supes. But Superman seems to now understand it's a short trip from helping people for their own good and Supreme Dictator of the World. And just in case he's unsure on some points, Batman appears out of thin air courtesy of Cyborg's new Non-Boom Tube travel technology.

And then Batman breaks out the Justice League Handbook on Interoffice Dating.

Batman lets them know that they need to be careful how they represent the Justice League Organization when they're out living their own lives. So I guess Batman is in charge of the Justice League's Image. Sure, leave it to the guy that thinks having a good image is scaring the shit out of everybody. How is it Batman is the one telling others how to act appropriately in public? This is some mixed-up shit right here.

While this Justice League meeting of the three top CEOs is happening, Firestorm and The Atom are trying to find the Watchtower's kitchen. Or bathroom. Or any room that a normal office building might have for the comfort of people who actually need to eat and/or defecate, unlike Superman and Cyborg and Batman. And that's when the mystery person shows up to kill whatever it can find!

Now that was a surprise. I didn't expect Despero seeing as how just recently in JLA or perhaps this comic, Waller or Trevor mentioned, in passing, how the Justice League had already battled Despero and Starro. I was disappointed that the Justice League was fighting each other and Cheetah and Ocean Master and an old writer with cancer while just flippantly having them deal with Amazo and Despero and Starro. Do all the most powerful enemies have names that end in "O"? Eclipso!

Next, Chapter 11 of Shazam wherein the children search the subways for the great Wizard that can take the magic away from Billy Batson. Or, you know, spread it out amongst them all (including a tiger). During the search, Billy once again encounters Francesca, the woman in the reflection. She tells him Black Adam's history and how Black Adam also received the power of the lightning when he was a child, although many, many years ago. And this makes Billy think he can talk to Black Adam as equals, having gone through basically the same thing: Adam through slavery and torture, and Billy through foster care.

Not the best plan. Although out of all of Billy's plans throughout this entire story, it was better than the others.

Justice League #19 Rating: +2 Ranking. I can't believe Batman is running around telling Superman how to behave in public. And in the meantime, Firestorm and The Atom are going to have to defeat Despero all by themselves! Hopefully Element Woman will arrive to not be any help at all. What would happen if Firestorm used his transmutation powers on Element Woman? Would she just be able to instantly change back to whatever she wants? Or could he even manage it because she's technically organic? My guess is that the universe would be destroyed.