New Suicide Squad #22

Adult Harley Quinn just smashed Baby Harley Quinn into jelly with Super Powers™ Joker's mallet.

The Review!
Remember how I told myself I can just believe that the previous issue was the final issue until Rebirth? I probably should have taken myself seriously. This issue added nothing to my knowledge of Harley Quinn. Although it did add one more piece of evidence to my theory that every character in the DC Universe has severe Daddy Issues. If you're a Harley fan, you probably already wrote this comic book in a piece of fanfiction and you probably did it better. And if not, at least you didn't charge anybody money for it.

The Commentary!
This month, we get a look inside of Harley Quinn's head. Most of you can just ignore it because it probably won't be how you think it should be inside Harley Quinn's head. And before you think I'm criticizing you, you should know that I don't think Sean Ryan has any better insight into Harley Quinn than any of the people writing Harley fanfic do. Which makes sense since about 99% of all comic books are fanfic anyway. Except they're fanfic with limitations! I mean, for some stupid reason, you're never going to get a scene where Batman's dick accidentally flops out of his costume and Superman can't stop himself from sucking Bruce off. Why do you think that is? We all know it's happened once or twice. Batman probably even has a special "Batfly Failure Batsuit" that he wears when he knows Superman is alone on Watchtower duty. And if people don't want Clark's belly full of Batsemen as canon, they can just ignore it like they ignore every other bit of canon that they disagree with. Or they can go on the internet and perform a textual representation of their head exploding across several comic book website forums.

Harley's psychiatrist (psychologist? I admit it. I don't know the difference! I think one of them is on drugs when doing therapy and the other one takes sexual advantage of you under hypnosis) makes sure her face is hidden from view so that the reader will be surprised by who she is at the end of the comic book. Probably Harley since she loves to do therapy on herself. Although maybe it's just a visual representation of how the therapist may be present in the therapy but actively tries to remain detached from it too. Kind of like how I read comic books but actively stay detached from the characters. Except for Vampire Tig. I still have sex dreams about her.

Mmm, this is some good therapy!

Apparently Harley Quinn hasn't been crazy enough lately and it's driving her crazy. Plus her character needs to be fine-tuned to match whatever her personality will be like in the movie or else people coming to the comic book from the movie will be all, "This isn't the real Harley Quinn?! What did they do to the real Harley Quinn!? And she hardly looks like Margot Robbie at all!"

Harley Quinn ignores her Mind-Batman and decides to go into the part of her brain that is fun and not Victorian. Batman is all, "You'll be sorry! They wear their skirts above the ankles in there!" And Harley is all, "That's cool! I almost wear my shorts above my vagina!"

Once inside the wacky part of her brain, Harley has an orgasm.

She's coming so hard that she forgets how to spell orgasm.

Linguistically, I don't think there's any real difference between "Carnal-vale" and "Carnival". It's just less subtle! My favorite ride at Harley's Carnal-vale is the Sodomy-Go-Round! That's a less subtle but also linguistically similar way of saying Merry-Go-Round. Or Mary-Gets-Around, amirite?!

Harley decides to ride the Deathtrap first. It's a good thing Deadpool can't see inside Harley's mind or he might be a little bit jealous that Harley is fantasizing about riding Deathtrap. Unless that's not what Sean Ryan meant by this scene at all and it's just an unfortunate turn of events that Deathtrap was a character in the previous issue. Because the ride actually turns purple, green, and white. And we all know what that means! Usually I would have a joke answer other than "The Joker" but I couldn't think of one.

Where's my cigar and thick eyebrows! I actually have a joke for this one!

How many people reading the previous caption thought I mean to do something dirty with the cigar because they don't know anything about Groucho Marx? It's hard to tell anymore what anybody of any generation will know because the Internet has made the popular culture of every decade accessible. It might be time to rethink my aversion to dating people in their twenties! They just might get all of my references now!

Harley's day at the amusement park (cleverly called an "abusement" park in her head!) turns disastrous when she finds herself covered in human teeth. Gross. I thought this comic book was going to be sexy but now I can't stop my head from imagining I'm smelling the smell of rotten teeth. Is there any worse smell in the world?! Maybe a durian shoved into an unwashed sumo wrestlers bunghole. But I've never smelled that so I can't imagine it.

Harley escapes the teeth and finds herself as a fifteen year old being lectured by her mother. It's 2004 which means I can do math! I mean, it means Harley is 27! That must be the age DC Comics finds it acceptable for female characters to feel free enough in their sexuality to fuck plants.

Harley asks her mother when her dad is coming home so I just figured out the root of all of Harley Quinn's problems: Daddy Issues! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "I really wish somebody would take my virginity already!" But enough about you! I probably should have guessed that Harley had Daddy Issues because everybody in DC Comics has Daddy Issues. Also there's that whole abusive relationship with The Joker thing.

Me too! Just once, can't somebody have a Mommy Issue? Get me some representation up here in this bitch! I mean mother!

Harley has some more memories about how her Daddy wasn't there for her and he was always having fun and how he totally shaped the world which she grew into! And then there's a disturbing advert for the Suicide Squad movie!

What is with the electric taped X pasties and the vagina graffiti?

The big surprise twist ending is that Harle Quinn was talking to Dr. Harleen Quinzel about her dead father. I think. Or something. I mean, obviously Harley Quinn has never gotten over her daddy issues or she wouldn't have fucked Deadshot in Issue #3 (First New 52 Edition) while calling her vagina a clown car. That's total Daddy Issue talk! And now she's busy going crazy trying not to think about her father or how The Joker was her father or how Amanda Waller is now her father. The issue ends with nothing being resolved and nothing really being explored and nothing nothing with more nothing. But it had Harley Quinn in it! So that's a big plus to DC's pocketbook!