Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps Rebirth #1

This is the worst title to a comic book since The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men.

The Review!
DC was really worried Hal Jordan's fans wouldn't know which Green Lantern book he was in, weren't they? So they decided to call this book "Hey Hal Jordan fans! This is the Green Lantern comic book in which you can find Hal Jordan! Also starring the ridiculous Green Lantern Corps!" I'm glad whoever came up with this title didn't also come up with "Kyle Rayner and The Omega Men". Essentially, this issue, being a Rebirth issue, is just setting up the new status quo for Hal Jordan. He's back to being a regular old Green Lantern and ready to find the Green Lantern Corps and set up shop once more. But this time, he'll be the leader and he won't let any little blue guys fuck it all up. At least not until he realizes Ganthet is still out there and he'll let his guard down because it's Ganthet and then Ganthet will be all, "Hey, I've got a few friends coming by. Do you mind if they stay with me?" And before Hal Jordan can set out some spare towels, he'll be ankle deep in Guardians again. Also in this issue: Sinestro uses Parallax as his Space Viagra.

The Commentary!
Hal Jordan looks like he's in a production of Oklahoma! on the cover. Why is Hal so happy? Is Hal ever this happy? Maybe he just had the opportunity to punch a whole bunch of people in their stupid faces! Or maybe he's on Space MDMA!

The story begins with Sinestro setting up camp in Space Sector Zero. He's not one for roughing it so he brought his entire Warworld to the campsite. It's basically his RV since he now looks like an elderly person. Of course Lyssa still looks young and fit because DC knows better than to upset the buttered side of the bread. Hal Jordan fans don't have time to look at old women with shirts cut so low you can see their vagina cleavage. Lyssa attempts to give Sinestro a handjob but he rejects her advances. Didn't the Book of Parallax tell her that Sinestro would spurn her advances?! Maybe if she didn't attempt the act, the Book of Parallax revealed Sinestro would go off to pout about how Lyssa isn't attracted to him anymore and the universe would have gone on peacefully without any more interference from the Sinestro Corps. And who could have that?! It must be time for another Sinestro War!

Hal Jordan has hidden himself away on a dead planet in Space Sector 563. Hal is suffering from a side effect of the green lantern light that the Guardians of Oa didn't warn him about. That's no surprise because they reveal information on a need-to-know basis and, generally, nobody needs to know anything, ever. So now Hal is turning into a being of pure willpower and he's forgetting who he is. But through the power of willpower, he's going to remember his identity! Good thing he's turning into willpower since he needs as much as he can to not totally turn into it.

And totally had sex with the underage one! And possibly the one that looks like an onion, a jellyfish, and a pair of rolled up sweat socks had a disgusting baby.

The Guardians didn't warn Hal about the whole turning into willpower thing because they never expected he'd steal Krona's Gauntlet. That's just the kind of thinking that constantly gets the Guardians in trouble. They create a dangerous weapon but don't destroy it. I understand that compulsion. I would never destroy anything I ever created either because all of my babies are so precious to me, even the ones that could be used against me in a court of law. But then they hire a guy like Hal Jordan who is totally the kind of person who would steal Krona's Gauntlet. But they still don't warn Hal about its dangers because that would be admitting that they might be making some mistakes, or, at the very least, some serious errors in judgment. So instead, most of them decided to be killed by Sinestro so that everything they created would fall apart and they would never have to admit that just about every choice they ever made since Krona first looked at God masturbating the universe into existence was terrible.

On his dead planet hideaway, Hal Jordan begins forging something out of Green Lantern Light. Probably a new ring so he can ditch the stupid glove that is killing him. Or making him better. It's both the same thing because Hal Jordan not being Hal Jordan would be a total shame to Hal Jordan. That's understandable. Sometimes people say I should be nicer and I'm all, "But then I wouldn't be me! You're killing me! I hate you, mom!"

Back on Warworld, Sinestro reveals that he's using Parallax to power Warworld. I guess New Korugar was stabilized by the terraforming weapon of the Red Lanterns so Parallax was free to be enslaved elsewhere. I have some questions concerning Parallax! Why did Ron Marz choose that word as Hal Jordan's new name? Because it sounded cool? I bet he was listening to a lot of Roll the Bones at the time. Other than that, I can't be bothered to write a defense for choosing the name based on the definition of the word. What's even weirder is that an ancient creature born eons before any of the languages of Earth had come into existence had taken the name. I guess it's just one of those weird cosmic synchronicities that cause so many aliens from across the universe to have names with Latin roots. I also don't know why each color of the emotional spectrum needs to be represented by some cosmic light creature. What is their relationship with the spectrum itself? Does the Red Spectrum arise from The Butcher or does The Butcher arise from the Red Spectrum? Or are they simply one and the same, since comic book battles are more exciting when they're fought against monsters. If not for the creatures, Hal Jordan battling against the Red Spectrum would just be Hal swinging wildly at red light waves, I guess.

I think my real question is why did DC Comics allow Ron Marz to shit all over Hal Jordan way back in the early nineties? All of this insanity stems from that moment! I suppose some people would see that as a good thing since they couldn't get enough of Geoff Johns' dick during his Green Lantern Revival.

Hal Jordan finishes creating his own Green Lantern Ring. He explains that the Guardians said they were the only ones who could forge the rings and Hal pats himself on the back for finally proving them wrong. I don't think that's what has happened here at all! I think the Guardians were right! Which can mean only one thing: Hal Jordan is now a Guardian of the Universe!