Action Comics #959

This is Lex trying to be a good guy?

The Review!
I guess Dan Jurgens wasn't happy with the Death of Superman story he wrote twenty-five years ago. It's time to tell it differently. Probably with a surprise ending where Superman lives! I hope it ends soon though because the only interesting thing about Doomsday is that he once killed Superman. And--let's face it--he's not going to do it again. So what we have here is a story with no tension about a villain with no personality on a rampage with no motivation. I don't think it ticks off any boxes in the "Things That Make A Story" list of boxes to tick! Although it does leave the reader wondering, "Who is Clark Kent? What a surprise mystery! My bowels are on fire! This story is so exciting! No, wait! That's the burrito I ate doing that! So many jalapeños!" I wonder how many times during the story Dan Jurgens asked his editor, "Can we make the enemy Soviet Russia?" Only the people you know that Dan Jurgens is a robot built in 1986 whose memory has never been upgraded will understand that joke. And maybe even some of those people won't understand it!

The Commentary!
I tend to avoid saying or writing things in a straightforward manner which usually just confuses earnest and probably boring people. It also confuses the Actually Nerds because they can't wait to fucking find fault with something somebody said! And a lot of times, it seems like I might have put forward an erroneous piece of information! I probably didn't but don't try to convince an Actually Nerd that you weren't wrong! Although if you consistently write in a confusing enough manner, you can get away with saying all kinds of horrible things! Because when somebody accuses you of being pro-domestic violence (which seems a really fucking strange thing to believe somebody would believe! I mean, they might commit domestic violence or make jokes about it but you'll rarely find somebody bearing its standard! I mean, unless they're religious in a really fundamental way!), you can tell them that they read the offending piece wrong and that maybe they should try reading it again but with the understanding that I am not pro-domestic violence. That usually clears things up. Or, at the very least, it makes the person go away. And I don't feel the need to come out on top of every debate I have! I just want it to end quickly so I can go back to not being bothered by people.

This issue begins with Preboot Lois Lane remembering when Preboot Doomsday attacked Preboot Superman.

Let's be honest here: at the time, the Justice League were amateur hour.

In the previous caption, I didn't know whether to say "the Justice League were amateur hour" or "the Justice League was amateur hour." But since Lois settled on were even though she may have only used that in reference to they (which was referencing the Justice League, so...), I decided to follow suit. She is the greatest journalist ever for some reason! I think in her comic book, Lois Lane, Superman's Girlfriend, she used to write cute little articles that got some attention. You know, for a girl.

Oh! That was one of those horrible things I pretend I can get away with writing! Because while most people will read it and call me an asshole and never read anything I've written ever again, some people will read that and understand that I'm not being sexist at all! I'm pointing out how sexist it was to name Lois Lane's comic book, "Superman's Girlfriend." But some people don't like that kind of satire or parody or whatever it was. They just think I'm using it as an excuse to belittle Lois Lane's writing due to her gender. I would never do that! I always belittle her writing because it's usually horrible. Especially when Scott Lobdell is allowed to write it.

I don't think Lois meant for this to sound like it does.

Doomsday is currently killing Lex Luthor and Superman is taking his time coming to the rescue. I know Superman is supposed to save everybody but it's not like he has to save everybody immediately, you know? Sometimes learning a lesson is more important than a few broken bones.

Doomsday says "Brah!" when Superman finally tackles him off of Lex. Does that mean I should begin referring to him as Doucheday? Doomsdouche? I don't think either one of those is catchy enough. It's not like Deathstork which just rolls off the tip of my fingers (mostly on accident).

Superman has decided that this isn't the Doomsday of this Earth who was already pummeled into an airborne virus. This is the same Doomsday from his world! Or at least a nearly identical approximation of that Doomsday, probably created by all of the worlds greatest scientists and artists on a secret island who were then killed before receiving their paychecks from Doctor Oz(ymandias). If Superman can defeat Doomsday this time, he'll pass the test! I don't know what kind of test it is. I guess it's to test if Superman will actually think through a problem instead of bashing it into submission with his fits.

Superman smashes Doomsday through the street and into the sewers. The mysterious new Clark Kent falls in the hole while warning Jimmy Olsen not to fall in the hole. He's clumsy enough to be the real Clark Kent! And he breaks his arm in the fall, so he's definitely not a super person. He probably is New 52 Superman who finally lost all of his powers and somehow switched places with the Quarmer. He's going to need some tips from Steve Trevor about how to survive having sex with Wonder Woman.

Clark and Superman exchange a few words to let the reader know something fucked up is going on but doesn't reveal enough to be interesting. Why do characters always waste time talking about how there's no time to explain the stuff that the reader wants explained? Just explain the stuff in the same amount of time it takes to argue about how you don't have time to explain it!

Lex manages to evacuate all of the citizens in the area just before Superman and Doomsday blow a crater in Metropolis a mile wide. Only Doomsday emerges from the rubble which doesn't mean anything except that Doomsday can dig out of rubble faster than Superman. But it probably causes Lois to pee her pants a little bit as she watches from home with Jon.