My male gaze is so hard right now.
The Commentary!
The New 52 Birds of Prey was a really terrible book. Apparently Gail Simone called it "The Birds That Craps." That seems a little too witty for something Gail Simone would come up so I tend to believe Gail Simone when she says she never called them that. Although I think Gail Simone should apologize anyway instead of "Fact Policing" people. How dare she tell somebody that they believe stupid things that couldn't possibly be factual since who would know better than Gail Simone if she said it? That's a bit presumptuous! I did call the New 52 Birds of Prey "The Turds of Prey" though because I'm as hilarious as a twelve year old farting during music class.
I kind of hope this comic book is terrible too so that I can call it Batgirl and the Turds of Prey! Ha ha! Still funny!
Batgirl begins this issue by pissing me off. She's all, "I'm back from training overseas! Read it about it in my solo comic book which comes out tomorrow! I don't know why DC didn't schedule that book to be published before this book! I guess because DC is full of dum-dums!" Okay, maybe part of that quote was from the Editor, Chris Suckerfuck. I made up the last name because Chris was too stupid to put his or her last name in the Asterisk Information Box.
Batgirl shows off her new overseas training by explaining to herself (who else would she be Narration Boxing to? Not the reader, certainly! That would mean schizophrenic!) why she's using the different moves she's using. She explains why she kicks a guy in the jaw: because she stepped in dog shit earlier and she finds it funny. She explains why she punches a guy in the tits: because most men are self-conscious if they have flabby pectorals and she finds humiliating them funny. She explains why she sweeps the leg of another thug: because Sensei Kreese said to.
After beating up the thugs, Barb snoops around on one of their phones because she doesn't have to worry about search and seizure laws. It's the best part about being a vigilante! I mean, after all the sweet poontang. Not that Barbara Gordon is taking advantage of that perk. She thinks she's too smart to have a penis inside of her. And she probably is because who wants to fuck somebody dumber than themselves? I can barely talk to people dumber than me although that doesn't stop me from talking with the Non-Certified Spouse's sister. Oh! Burn, Lindsey! You loser! But seriously! Who wants some troglodyte poking around in their lady caves? Barbara Gordon is so smart she'll never find anybody to have sex with. Especially since she kind of ruined her relationship with Lucas Fox who might have been at least close enough to her intelligence to bang. So I guess she's going to have to stick to her Bat-Back-Massager and her Bat-Bathtub-Tap.
The New 52 Birds of Prey was a really terrible book. Apparently Gail Simone called it "The Birds That Craps." That seems a little too witty for something Gail Simone would come up so I tend to believe Gail Simone when she says she never called them that. Although I think Gail Simone should apologize anyway instead of "Fact Policing" people. How dare she tell somebody that they believe stupid things that couldn't possibly be factual since who would know better than Gail Simone if she said it? That's a bit presumptuous! I did call the New 52 Birds of Prey "The Turds of Prey" though because I'm as hilarious as a twelve year old farting during music class.
I kind of hope this comic book is terrible too so that I can call it Batgirl and the Turds of Prey! Ha ha! Still funny!
Batgirl begins this issue by pissing me off. She's all, "I'm back from training overseas! Read it about it in my solo comic book which comes out tomorrow! I don't know why DC didn't schedule that book to be published before this book! I guess because DC is full of dum-dums!" Okay, maybe part of that quote was from the Editor, Chris Suckerfuck. I made up the last name because Chris was too stupid to put his or her last name in the Asterisk Information Box.
Batgirl shows off her new overseas training by explaining to herself (who else would she be Narration Boxing to? Not the reader, certainly! That would mean schizophrenic!) why she's using the different moves she's using. She explains why she kicks a guy in the jaw: because she stepped in dog shit earlier and she finds it funny. She explains why she punches a guy in the tits: because most men are self-conscious if they have flabby pectorals and she finds humiliating them funny. She explains why she sweeps the leg of another thug: because Sensei Kreese said to.
After beating up the thugs, Barb snoops around on one of their phones because she doesn't have to worry about search and seizure laws. It's the best part about being a vigilante! I mean, after all the sweet poontang. Not that Barbara Gordon is taking advantage of that perk. She thinks she's too smart to have a penis inside of her. And she probably is because who wants to fuck somebody dumber than themselves? I can barely talk to people dumber than me although that doesn't stop me from talking with the Non-Certified Spouse's sister. Oh! Burn, Lindsey! You loser! But seriously! Who wants some troglodyte poking around in their lady caves? Barbara Gordon is so smart she'll never find anybody to have sex with. Especially since she kind of ruined her relationship with Lucas Fox who might have been at least close enough to her intelligence to bang. So I guess she's going to have to stick to her Bat-Back-Massager and her Bat-Bathtub-Tap.
Great! More Batgirl imposters! Can't she battle anybody at all who isn't trying to be her? Like she's so fucking special!
Batgirl seems surprised that, yet again, somebody is pretending to be her. Or at least a version of herself that she used to be. She says, "I guess in my case, the past is apparently prologue." Isn't that the case in everybody's case? I mean, my past came before now and I think now is the main story, so the past must be the prologue. Unless this second is just the prologue to my sudden fame and fortune! And then my past is apparently pro-prologue!
Because this is Rebirth, Barbara Gordon needs to straighten out her history for all of the continuity nerds dying to learn which stories they've read have now been relegated to the dustbin and thus were a huge waste of time. Too bad for a lot of people, one of those stories wasn't The Killing Joke. Since that's the one that got the wheelchair rolling on the whole Oracle thing, I suppose it has to be the first major story declared canon in Batgirl's Rebirth.
The Joker shot Barbara Gordon in the spine to make Gordon and Batman feel bad. I suppose he wanted Barbara to feel bad too but he didn't really know her that well, so he just shot her in the spine and left her for dead (after taking naked pictures of her) before taking her father to the amusement park to sodomize him while little people in fetish leather danced around singing. I don't really remember The Killing Joke that well but I think I got the gist of it. Barbara wound up in a wheelchair and since, according to Babs, Gotham wasn't made for the disabled (only the mentally ill apparently!), she decided to help fight crime with her brains! And a computer too! Mostly the computer.
Because this is Rebirth, Barbara Gordon needs to straighten out her history for all of the continuity nerds dying to learn which stories they've read have now been relegated to the dustbin and thus were a huge waste of time. Too bad for a lot of people, one of those stories wasn't The Killing Joke. Since that's the one that got the wheelchair rolling on the whole Oracle thing, I suppose it has to be the first major story declared canon in Batgirl's Rebirth.
The Joker shot Barbara Gordon in the spine to make Gordon and Batman feel bad. I suppose he wanted Barbara to feel bad too but he didn't really know her that well, so he just shot her in the spine and left her for dead (after taking naked pictures of her) before taking her father to the amusement park to sodomize him while little people in fetish leather danced around singing. I don't really remember The Killing Joke that well but I think I got the gist of it. Barbara wound up in a wheelchair and since, according to Babs, Gotham wasn't made for the disabled (only the mentally ill apparently!), she decided to help fight crime with her brains! And a computer too! Mostly the computer.
Oh, so we're going to pretend that she didn't work for the Suicide Squad first? Are we just erasing Ostrander's creation of Oracle from DC History? Way to go, jerkbros!
Don't worry, John Ostrander! I still remember that you created Oracle no matter what everybody else is being told to believe!
Anyway, the Birds of Prey were formed (probably the Preboot Birds and not the New 52 Turds. Might as well use the well written history and not the confusing mess by Swierczynski) until Barbara regained the ability to walk through experimental brain surgery. Then Dinah flounced off annoyed, went on tour, ruined the careers of several musicians and even more venue owners, and then quit music forever to go fuck Oliver Queen in Seattle. I guess she only does that on the weekends though because she needs to spend the weekdays with the new Birds of Prey in Gotham.
Bo Maeve and the old Black Canary band are back in town to play Burnside so that Burnside Tofu doesn't go out of xerox. That's my clever way of saying "out of print" for a fanzine! Totally genius commentary on the punk lifestyle of the zinesters! Because of Bo's word balloon during the concert, I don't know if Black Canary kept the name Black Canary or changed it to Black Tuna. Oh fuck how I hope they changed it!
Barb finds Dinah at the concert and brings her back to her place. Ohhhhh, my male gaze is getting excited!
Anyway, the Birds of Prey were formed (probably the Preboot Birds and not the New 52 Turds. Might as well use the well written history and not the confusing mess by Swierczynski) until Barbara regained the ability to walk through experimental brain surgery. Then Dinah flounced off annoyed, went on tour, ruined the careers of several musicians and even more venue owners, and then quit music forever to go fuck Oliver Queen in Seattle. I guess she only does that on the weekends though because she needs to spend the weekdays with the new Birds of Prey in Gotham.
Bo Maeve and the old Black Canary band are back in town to play Burnside so that Burnside Tofu doesn't go out of xerox. That's my clever way of saying "out of print" for a fanzine! Totally genius commentary on the punk lifestyle of the zinesters! Because of Bo's word balloon during the concert, I don't know if Black Canary kept the name Black Canary or changed it to Black Tuna. Oh fuck how I hope they changed it!
Barb finds Dinah at the concert and brings her back to her place. Ohhhhh, my male gaze is getting excited!
I hope nobody notices the clock never moves past 8:29 and realizes there must be no gears behind it which could only mean it's the lair of a superhero!
Black Canary decides to help under the name of the Birds of Prey but just for one night! She doesn't want a repeat of the last time where they were called Turds of Prey by that hilariously snarky but super intelligent and perceptive critic. Their first step is to track down the person passing around the information from Oracle to the mob bosses. Their second step should be killing Batgirl so nobody else can steal her memories and cause all this fucking trouble.
Meanwhile, The Huntress (the new Helena Bertinelli version and not the old version. Although this is Rebirth so just forget about all of the versions except for this one) is killing mobsters and the next one on her list is the one the Birds of Prey are going after. I bet this is how they meet! I hope Helena gets her chocolate in Dinah's peanut butthole.
Meanwhile, The Huntress (the new Helena Bertinelli version and not the old version. Although this is Rebirth so just forget about all of the versions except for this one) is killing mobsters and the next one on her list is the one the Birds of Prey are going after. I bet this is how they meet! I hope Helena gets her chocolate in Dinah's peanut butthole.
"That's it! Everybody get naked!" No?
Helena makes sure Black Canary and Batgirl know that Helena knows their names. That should make them trust her! They won't think she's Oracle at all now!
Meanwhile, Oracle sits in front of a bunch of computer screens just like every other villain in Rebirth has done so far. I guess he's just another Doctor Ozymanhattandias.
The Review!
I don't know what to think about this comic book yet. This is obviously just the part of the story where the members of the future Birds of Prey are simply being gathered in one place so that they can say, "Hey! We should all be members of the Turds of Prey again! Nobody tell Katana! We don't want her murdering hundreds of people when she blows up another hotel like last time!" The main reason I'm not sure about it is that nothing really happens. Comic books tend to spend way too much time on prologue. They should just get right to the part where these three come together hunting the same person and start from there! That should be Page One! But instead I have to read all this bullshit about how they formed. I don't like the getting to know each other bullshit! I like the bullshit where they're already good friends who don't mind walking around the apartment in front of the others in their panties!
Meanwhile, Oracle sits in front of a bunch of computer screens just like every other villain in Rebirth has done so far. I guess he's just another Doctor Ozymanhattandias.
The Review!
I don't know what to think about this comic book yet. This is obviously just the part of the story where the members of the future Birds of Prey are simply being gathered in one place so that they can say, "Hey! We should all be members of the Turds of Prey again! Nobody tell Katana! We don't want her murdering hundreds of people when she blows up another hotel like last time!" The main reason I'm not sure about it is that nothing really happens. Comic books tend to spend way too much time on prologue. They should just get right to the part where these three come together hunting the same person and start from there! That should be Page One! But instead I have to read all this bullshit about how they formed. I don't like the getting to know each other bullshit! I like the bullshit where they're already good friends who don't mind walking around the apartment in front of the others in their panties!
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