The Darkseid War: Batman #1

This cover looks like the logo for the teaser trailer of Batman v Superman Part VI: Batman v Superman v Batman v Green Lantern v Batman v OMAC.

People exist in this world who will look down their noses at you because you read comic books and they'll believe they're better than you because they prefer Shakespeare and To Kill A Mockinbird (and oh God how they won't shut up about how much they love To Kill A Mockingbird!). Well you know what? They're right. They have every right to think they're better than comic book readers. Because at least they're reading things that they love (even if they really only love feeling smarter than everybody around them because they can quote all the recognizable quotes from Shakespeare. Nobody bothers with the shit quotes that aren't famous) instead of constantly being let down by the stuff they read while still coming back to be let down again, month after month. No wonder comic book readers identify so strongly with Harley Quinn. We're all in abusive relationships with the most entertaining guy at the party except sometimes, instead of hugging us and making us feel good, he'd rather smack us in the face and murder everybody with gas.

I don't expect this comic book to make me feel less than human though. I expect it to pay for dinner and call me pretty. That might be a mistake because it's going to be a huge disappointment if it ignores me to check basketball scores all night and then clumsily paw at my chest while I'm trying to brush it off with a quick goodnight kiss.

Batman has recently gained all of the knowledge ever because he stole Metron's Mobius chair and renamed it The Batchair. Now he has all the answers to all the problems and will likely return to Earth, meet with a bunch of doctors and scientists, and get busy completely fixing everything for everybody for all time. Certainly he won't just go back to Gotham to stop muggings, right?

Oh Batman. So basically there is now no crime because you stop it from occurring rather than fixed the problems inherent in an unfair system that pushes people aside and cares little for those who don't immediately fit into its parameters?

So instead of using his new knowledge--knowledge which encompasses all of the knowledge of what was, is, and could be--to improve the current social, economic, and political systems, he instead decides to just cure the symptoms of the current diseased systems. Systemic poverty? No big deal! If some poor assholes have a problem with being run over and forgotten and they decide to break a few laws to try to better their situation, Batman will be there to stop them! Now everything is okay again! I guess even an all-knowing Bruce Wayne can't help but view the system through his entitled spoiled rich boy eyes.

Sorry! Why don't you just go masturbate to the real name of The Joker and just leave Gotham to get by on its own?

Batman ditches Gordon to meet with STAR Labs so he can tell them how to cure cancer, increase worldwide food production, completely eradicate malaria, and to go over plans for a nearly free method of desalinating sea water for human consumption. Just kidding! Instead he sends a bunch of violent youths to the Antarctic where they can think about the lives they almost took. Then he takes a wife beater who was about to murder his ex-wife and dumps him with the Amazons. What a jerk. That might not be as bad as walking through your neighbor's front door in the middle of the day and shitting on their living room table but it's close enough. Why the fuck do the Amazons want to deal with this guy?

Batman decides he's done enough for the world with his omnipotence for the day and decides to go back in time to keep his parents from getting killed. But apparently he can't interact with things in the past. Which you would think, since he now knows everything, he would have known. So instead Batman just goes back in time to watch his parents die in front of him. Again.

Since Batman can't save his family, he decides to torment Joe Chill.

The world's a better place already!

Batman makes Joe Chill forget all about their little meeting. Hopefully Batman got that out of his system but I doubt it. I think Batman is bound to use his new powers to torment Joe Chill every single night unless he can shake his addiction to the Batchair. He could have changed the world for the better in so many countless ways if he wasn't so obsessed with lowering the amount of muggings taking place in Gotham.

It has a built-in toilet, doesn't it?

Yep.

Batman realizes he can't get out of the chair so he decides he'll go after The Joker next. I don't know how the Batchair is going to help him against The Joker. He's defeated The Joker plenty of times in the past and he simply winds up sticking The Joker back in Arkham so The Joker can eventually escape. How is the Batchair going to improve on this scheme? It seems like Batman could save a lot more lives if he would just make that visit to STAR Labs already. I bet when Batman asks the Batchair how to stop The Joker once and for all, it'll be all, "Put a bullet in his head, dumby."

The Darkseid War: Batman #1 Rating: Well, that date was a bit disappointing. This comic book simply convinced me that Batman is a selfish prick. Not that I needed much convincing. Batman has always had the potential to do more good as Bruce Wayne than as Batman and yet he spends most of his Bruce Wayne energy on creating weapons and vehicles for Batman's battle against low level street crime. So why would an omniscient Batman be any different? Now that he has all the knowledge in the universe, why would he use it to cure society's ills? Instead he believes the knowledge from the Batchair is better used stopping various crimes in Gotham by teleporting potential perpetrators of violence all over the globe. The Batchair is better used tormenting the killer of his parents who is already in prison. And it's obviously best used hunting down The Joker, even though Batman has done that multiple times across his career with successful results. So unless Batman is going to use the Batchair's knowledge about performing lobotomies, I'm not sure how this next Batman/Joker encounter is going to be any different. I have a feeling The Joker is going to get a brief stint sitting in the Batchair although he probably won't get an entire one shot comic devoted to that adventure. I bet it would be fun though!