Batman and Robin Eternal #5

I know this sex move: "Aggressively Shove Dick In Male Friend's Mouth!" Otherwise known as The Navy Seal, or a San Francisco Chin Kiss.

It looks like Tim Drake has been compromised! It also looks like whoever writes the copy for the front cover was just phoning it in this week. "Birds of a different feather"?! That doesn't add any excitement to the cover at all! Sure, it adds an exclamation point which, at first, made me think it was quite clever. But then I thought, "I have never heard a single person, in all of the many years I've lived on this stinking excuse for a civilized planet, say, 'Bird of a different feather.' Sure, occasionally when I said I was going out with some friends my mother thought were disgusting idiots, she'd whip off a quick insult with the 'birds of a feather' thing which nicely nailed both me and my friends at the same time. Man that was mean!" Although my mom was right about those friends. Every time she said that, my friends would pick on me and wind up kicking my ass just because I came out of the house crying.

This issue begins in the past with the part of the story I'm most interested in, at least until the Bat-kids start sucking each other's private parts. Batman and Robin are still hunting the Scarecrow and they've followed him to a church where he's meeting with somebody scary. Mother? Just typing "mother" gives me the willies and the PTSDs.

This sign seems too overly complex to not be some sort of clue or anagram or pictograph!

Scarecrow is inside the church meeting with Orphan the Fear Huffer. Cassandra has also come along to look dour and threaten throats. Batman and Robin decide that it's in the best interests of everybody and not just Wayne Stained Glass Repair to crash through the church's windows. If the church didn't want to have to replace expensive, beautiful stained glass then maybe they shouldn't be allowing bad people to schedule clandestine meetings inside their nave. You also have to assume that this church isn't really serious judging by that ludicrous neon front, right?!

The Orphan, Crane, and Cassandra are gone so Batman and Robin begin sweeping up the mess and Bruce leaves a pile of cash in the donation box. Just kidding! They're too busy meting out justice! But Batman heard them say "Prague" a whole bunch of times in his garbled eavesdropping attempt plus he found some dirt that was obviously headed to Prague, so he and Robin are going to Poland! Or, um, Transylvania? Um...they're leaving America!

Back in the present, the story decides to confuse me.

So what are we saying here? The early history of New 52 Tim Drake written by Scott Lobdell where his parents are in witness protection to protect them from The Penguin isn't true anymore? How could DC Comics do something like this?! How could they get this so damn right and yet still allow Lobdell's Teen Titans to be in continuity!

Dick learns some more weird stuff about how Tim's parents either believe he's dead or just want people to think he died in a car accident. So it's possible that this all fits in with whatever Lobdell wrote since I can't exactly remember--or don't want to remember!--the exact details of Batman stealing Tim away from his parents. You know, to keep him safe!

While Dick is asking more and more personal questions of the Drakes (since they don't seem to mind! Thanks to Dick's hypnos. Or maybe his charm. Or maybe because the Drakes have always discussed the possibility of a threesome with a handsome stranger stopping by to discuss the welfare of poverty stricken children), Poppy comes to the door with an axe attached to a hand encased in orange glass. I wonder if the Drakes would consider just going full orgy?

Across town at the Church of St. Elijah the Thunderer By a Whirlwind, Cassie and Harper have decided to cause the poor place more property damage. It's currently being converted to a church for the Order of St. Dumas. Great! Like we need Azrael in The New 52! I seriously thought the whole point of The New 52 was to erase Azrael from existence! I suppose I can live with it as long as it's not Jean-Paul Valley. That fucker was as annoying as Danny Chase, Scrappy Doo, and Cousin Oliver all rolled into one giant turd.

Cassie opens the secret door in the stature of St. Elijah and The Orphan pops out, hopped up on Scarecrow toxin and crazy.

He must be talking about the video game Lemmings, right?

Back at the Drake house, Tim's parents activate a security measure to protect them from people who might come after them. They mention Tim set this up for them so now I'm really fucking depressed. The Lobdell history still fits plus Jean-Paul Valley might be making a return. At least there's a good chance that if Azrael does return, it'll be one of the other ones that I don't care about. But at least I don't passionately despise any of them.

Poppy and Dick find themselves in some kind of death trap after Tim's mom says, "Cnemial." I want to rant about how huge a nerd Tim Drake is to use that as the key word to turn the house into a death trap, but it's really smart. You wouldn't want to have guests over one night and have one of them accidentally say the word that turns the living room into a death trap. I realize it's only activated by specific voice prints but you never know when a guest is going to do a spot on embarrassing impression of Tim's dad. At least with a word like "cnemial," you know it'll never accidentally be uttered.

Over at St. Elijah's, Cassie cuts off The Orphan's right hand. Now he and Alfred are practically the same guy! Well, in at least two ways. They both lost their right hand and they both enjoy putting children in danger!

As The Orphan retreats, Harper tags him with a tracking device. Then she notices Cassie is crying. This is where she takes advantage of her like in all the romantic movies, right?! That's where I learned that when a woman is sad and crying and upset, it's time to make a move on her!

Back at Tim's parents' house, Dick subdues Poppy just as Tim arrives to punch Dick in the face for not trusting him. It's funny how that works both ways, hunh, Tim? You're allowed the luxury not to trust any of your Titans' teammates with your history--hell, you didn't even tell them your name during Lobdell's run--but nobody else is allowed to mistrust you? I'll let you have a pass on this one though because I realize you're upset at the way Dick went about checking out your parents. It's obvious that all the Batkids are suffering from PTBD: Post-Traumatic Batman Disorder. Any time anybody acts like Batman, Batkids everywhere flip the fuck out.

Batman and Robin Eternal #5 Rating: No change. I actually liked this update on Tim's family history. The way it was left before, it was as if Tim couldn't have any contact with his parents so that they would be safe. But this clarifies what all the fans of Tim already believed anyway: Tim would continue to keep a relationship with his parents and to keep them safe by any means necessary. The weakest part of the issue was that Dick "didn't have time" to discuss Tim's history with Tim before rushing off to investigate his parents. I suppose he felt that Tim being out of contact during the Welcome Back Bruce Wayne debacle might have made Dick suspicious, and Dick's time as a spy has made him think situations through a bit differently, but it still seems like Dick is the guy who approaches people and discusses problems with them face to face. The "no time" thing is just a comic book trope used to create drama and I'm disappointed to see it used here. Hopefully Tim really is compromised and this was all set up to make it seem like Tim really was talking to his real mother last issue but in reality he wasn't! No, wait. I just checked and M. Night Shyamalan isn't writing this comic book.