Cyborg #4

I'd rather read about this version of Cyborg.

I realize that most people have trouble with reading comprehension so from now on I will write only in straightforward simple sentences. I will eschew ambiguity. I shall renounce subtlety! I will say only what I mean and mean only what I say! Although at that point, everything I write will be boring, unfunny, and most likely not worth anybody's time. Kind of like this comic book!

No wait! I didn't mean that! I'm reasonably sure that some comic book fans out there really enjoy this comic book so I shouldn't say it's not worth "anybody's" time! That's the kind of sweeping generalization that might upset the semi-literate masses (meaning the kind of people who probably enjoy this comic book).

Dammit! What I'm trying to say is that I have read three issues of Cyborg and I'm certain that it's a fine publication for the kind of people who enjoy taking sudden and spontaneous naps.

Maybe I should begin again?

Cyborg is a competently written comic book with many qualities. It stars Cyborg who is a cyborg. That lack of imagination might be why I find Cyborg so boring! Although I'm sure he has many fans who are less easily bored than I am! They probably loved it every time Cyborg called Changeling "Salad Head" back in Wolfman's Teen Titans. Sometimes he did it two or three times in one comic book!

You know what? This isn't about the comic book. This is about me. I simply find Cyborg to be a boring character. It's going to be an uphill battle to get me to enjoy this comic book. Why do people fight uphill battles? Why don't they just look at the hill, look at the people at the top of the hill who will be fighting a downhill battle, and then just leave the hill alone? Or maybe just set a fire around the base of the hill! Also I'm lazy so I can't see the point in marching up a hill just to exert yourself in a battle. I'm too lazy to even begin reading this comic book because I compared it to an uphill battle which sounds exhausting!

It's a good thing only geniuses ever get super powers.

Sarah Charles from the Alternate Universe where Silas Stone has chosen to really be himself explains the premise of this first story arc. So if you've been on the fence about purchasing this series, you should skip reading the first three issues. If you're really being frugal, my guess is you should wait until I read Issue #5 because that one might have the same recap but include Issue #4 as well! The gist of the matter (whoever decided to spell "gist" with a "g" was a genius because if it were "jist" I would be picturing a misty spray of jism) is that some creatures called the Technosapiens are going around the Multiverse Borging up whatever life they can find. Alternate Universe Sarah Charles is pissed off at Silas Stone because his Alternate Universe Counterpart accidentally attracted the attention of the Technosapiens by doing experiments that she thought he should have known would attract unwanted attention. Well isn't she just a Monday Morning Scientist! "I told you you shouldn't have played God! I told you the government would turn your work into a weapon. I told you that Supercollider would eventually create a black hole that would destroy the universe."

Now the Technosapiens are on Earth and it's probably up to Cyborg to stop them. I think the Justice League can't help because all of the phones are down.

I suppose it was like parts of the nineties. I guess she couldn't have said eighties--which would have been more accurate--because she's too young to have any personal experience with that time.

At one point during the emotional part of the plot where relationships are being forged, Sarah Charles slaps Alternate Universe Sarah Charles and the multiverse doesn't unravel. So unrealistic.

The Metal Men are also starring in this comic book even though Superman's penis is not part of the cast. That's a reference to how they all want to fuck Superman. At least Platinum does but I think the others do as well. I wonder if Doc Magnus ever thought about making a Kryptonite Metal Man? It looks like that story may have happened in Action Comics #599. Of course it wasn't Magnus who built the Kryptonite Metal Man. It was some other guy whose name I can't remember offhand.

After spending more than half of the comic book explaining and reexplaining what the fuck was going on, the Technosapiens attack!

Tin must be coated in Mercury here.

The battle seems to be going...well, I don't know. I guess it's a stalemate because the final page is of a huge Technobeast crashing up through the ground and knocking Cyborg on his White Noise Cannon. What do you call a cliffhanger whose outcome you don't really care about? Because this is that.

Cyborg #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. Cyborg. I don't know what to tell you, buddy. You really need to step up your game if you're going to be the lead in a comic book. I suppose you can ask Harley Quinn or Batman to guest star for a few issues to drive your numbers up but that's just a short term fix. I have a feeling the love story between you and Sarah is supposed to be the driving story in this comic but it isn't getting much on-panel time. You already had your penis fixed in the Convergence Sneak Peek, so I would have kept the alien invasion slowly brewing and had the Sarah Charles stuff front and center. The last page of Issue #1 should have been this cliffhanger: Sarah and Victor kissing with Cyborg's White Noise Cannon--set on low!--between Sarah's knees. Sarah moaning, "Oh Vic!" Then she reaches down between Vic's legs and her eyes grow huge and teary as she says, "Oh. Vic!" Then everybody would be wondering what she saw! What's happened to Victor's penis?! Then Issue #2, we'd find out that she was just impressed and scared by the size of his cock because it's been enhanced by Apokoliptian Nanobots.