Teen Titans #13

Did Manchester Black get a new chest tattoo?

I should probably provide a recap for every comic book series whenever they hit a year. Taking a look back at where things began and how they've progressed, discussing how the characters have changed over that time and what they've learned...wouldn't that be interesting? Probably. But that's something to do by somebody who takes comic books and their stories seriously. And it definitely isn't something to be done with this comic book because it's a fucking mess. The team became heroes of New York. Then they got in bed with Manchester Black. Then Superboy killed a bunch of Muslim Durlans. Then Red Robin decided to flip the bird at the American justice system because he believed Superboy didn't murder anybody and if he believed it, it must be true. So fuck letting Superboy go on trial! But then a bunch of Titans that didn't want to be Titans and decided to be Elites decided to fight with the Titans. Most of that was Superboy's fault because eventually he reveals that he did murder the aliens and that Red Robin probably should have let justice take its course. So then, of course, Harvest reappears and takes Superboy away. Red Robin and the others express a bunch of lies so that stupid readers who hate remembering the past could feel like last issue was an emotional triumph that left them feeling all of the feelings. And now that Superboy is gone, the comic book can get back to Manchester Black trying to control the Titans and the Elites for his own nefarious purposes.

I suppose I could have just said, "This comic book has lacked any direction and has no fucking clue what the hell it wants to say about these characters." Or I could have just typed out a line of Shit Emojis. It's all the same.

This issue begins in the middle of the prison break that was ignored last issue. Hopefully the Teen Titans will spend the next six issues on trial for breaking into a prison. Then the next seventy two issues will be the Teen Titans in prison.

Manchester Black brought the Elite to the prison to do something. It's all part of his plan.

I don't think Manchester Black remembers that he had a plan which sent Red Robin to this prison.

Power Girl begins to doubt Manchester Black. But didn't she just join Manchester Black because she doubted Red Robin? Is she just going to flip back over to the Teen Titans now? What was the fucking point?! I suppose the entire team is going to be back together again by the end of this story and Manchester Black is going to be out on his rear. And I suppose Manchester Black will say something nefarious like, "I knew turning them against each other only to get them to trust each other again would strengthen their bond. Now they will be a team like no other!" Then he'll smoke a cigarette and bury the prostitute he just murdered in Powers' backyard.

In the Chamber of Harvest (which is located in that mysterious place that exists for the sake of telling horrible stories), Wonder Girl points out that Kon was Tim's friend. No. No he wasn't. Not at all. Ever. Kon may have been Bunker's friend. But not Tim's. He didn't even know Tim's name! None of the Titans knew Tim's name until this series began and suddenly they all knew it. Bart is all, "We're trapped and it's all Red Robin's fault and everything is awful!" But Wonder Girl is all, "Tim will find us a way out! He was trained by Batman so he'll beat something into submission which should get us all out of here!"

No, he did not. Pardon me, Wonder Girl, but didn't you just praise his ability to get them out? So why are you trying to get him to slow it the fuck down?

I can't fault Pfeifer for not knowing that Kon wasn't Tim's best friend. That would mean Will would have had to read Lobdell's run of the Teen Titans and I wouldn't expect anybody to suffer through that. And Eddie Berganza was probably too busy building an office groping machine to explain the previous series to him.

Red Robin points out that what separates the Titans from the other super hero groups is that the Titans never give up. You know, unlike the Justice League who are constantly throwing their hands up in the air and saying, "Well! We tried!" Tim gives a speech about how the Teen Titans will save the day (a day which needs saving primarily because of the Teen Titans breaking into jail and starting a riot) and gain the respect of the world! Hey, guess what? You fucking had the respect of the world after the first story arc of this comic book! Remember how all of New York cheered you for saving the city? Does anybody remember that? No? Nobody? I seem to remember praising that aspect of the comic book because the Teen Titans should be a group that cares about saving the city where they live and the people of New York should know and love them for it instead of being frightened by them. But then Superboy was all, "Whoops! I kilted some Musliens! Did I do the bad stuff again?!"

I hate New 52 Superboy. He ruins everything. Did you know he's a living weapon?

Back in the prison, Doctor Psycho is defeating everybody with his mind powers because he wants to slip into Raven's mind without consent.

Why is Doctor Psycho suddenly the big culprit in the prison? Did Despero only sign on for a single page appearance?

Maybe Doctor Psycho is back because he was one of Superboy's foes! I think. Does anybody remember The New 52 Superboy comic book? All I can remember is that his name was Superboy and he was a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E.

Raven defeats Doctor Psycho in Azareth or wherever the corpse of her father lies rotting away. It's probably not really Trigon though. I think Doctor Psycho just wound up in the part of Raven's brain that houses her Daddy Issues. Everybody in DC Comics has Daddy Issues but I don't think any of them are as hilariously monstrous as Raven's. Her Daddy Issues are so big that they launched two Teen Titans series in the Eighties and made the Teen Titans fan favorites even over the X-men! At least for a little while.

Tim, Cassie, and Bart manage to teleport back into the MAW because Tim is a genius at hacking computers. They arrive in the prison to find that the riot and everything that happened after they broke in was an illusion created by Doctor Psycho. Except there are still a few loose ends that the Doctor Psycho Retcon can't tie up.

Well, that's a surefire way for the Titans to earn the respect of the world! Continue to break into the prison and steal the guns from all the guards simply because the number one rule of being a Titan is "I've got your back no matter how many laws you're thinking of breaking and no matter how many Musliens you've murdered."

Now, I don't agree with the prison guards opening fire on Red Robin. Although I'm sure they've got rubber bullets in their weapons to simply suppress any riots. And maybe Red Robin could even do with some consequences for his actions, you know (especially the action where the Teen Titans break into a prison to speak with Despero instead of trying to figure out another way. Like maybe having Raven teleport Red Robin directly to Despero? Or maybe calling up Martian Manhunter to help and bribing him with a plastic container of Costco's multi-pack of cookies?)?

Down in Sublevel Triple Z (that's pretty far down! I wonder if the levels go A through Z and then AA through ZZ and then AAA through ZZZ or if they just go A through Z and then ZZ and then ZZZ?!), Manchester Black runs into Despero who is obviously Chimera because Tim just called out her name and she's been missing and Despero is suspiciously out of his cell. I suppose this is the big trick where Manchester Black finally fucks up his overly complicated plan and tells the fake Despero the entire plan which will ruin his chances of accomplishing whatever the fuck he was trying to accomplish. Apparently it was to work with the Titans, steal some of their members, then finally destroy the Titans. And his motivation was fuck you. What do you think this is? Literature? If it's motivation you want the you should probably stop reading shitty comic books!

I failed Karate because my go-to stance was the same as Power Girl's in the middle panel.

Power Girl discovers she can grow so I guess she's Elasti-Power-Girl now. She beats Manchester Black against every inch of prison wall before Red Robin convinces her that maybe she shouldn't be doing that. Since, you know, Titans don't kill. Apparently that's their only rule though. Titans don't kill but they do break into prisons, help wanted fugitives, and destroy property as often as possible all while backing each other up no matter how wrong they are as long as one of them thinks that they're right. Go Titans!

The issue ends with Alpha Centurion arriving on the scene to speak what in an accent that is definitely not Roman because he's an idiot and probably a fraud to boot. He defeats all of the Titans in one panel per Titan because the comic book only had two pages left. That's not enough time to write a coherent fight with a group this big so it's easier to just have them lose. Also there's nothing at stake here because the Alpha Centurion is another hero. Instead of killing them all because they obviously are horrible at superheroing, he arrests them all. Good. Fuckers need to sit in jail for awhile and think about all the asshole bullshit trouble they've caused.

Teen Titans #13 Rating: No change. This comic book is a complete mess. It's the kind of comic book that probably works better if you're somebody who just picked up one issue without having read any of the others. Then you don't have to be baffled by all of the contortions of the plot. The Titans are a team and loved! No wait! They've broken up and now half of them are wanted by the police and on the run! And the others want to kick their asses even thought they're all apparently the very best of friends forever! Manchester Black is siding with the Titans and then he leaves them to side with the Elite and then he wants to capture the Titans which the Elite are behind but then the Elite decide maybe Black wants to do more than catch the Titans and so they betray him and now everybody is a Titan again and how about we just start over and forget about this whole Manchester Black nonsense? At least the Titans are going to fucking jail where they belong, the lawbreaking bastards.