Gotham by Midnight #10

I've seen this porno.

Hello! My name is Grunion Guy and I'm a huge pussy who masturbates while listening to Bon Jovi! His music is so good! It's like if a woman could play a guitar with her vagina! I'm learning a lesson right now about how I shouldn't assume food in the fridge that isn't labeled doesn't belong to Death Rock at all! Right now I'm probably thinking, "Being able to breathe underwater is the worst super power in the world when you've been strapped down with your face dunked in a toilet bowl just recently destroyed by Death Rock's angry bowels!" Right now I'm probably thinking, "I hope Death Rock's horribly liquid shits can supply the proper oxygenation of water so that I don't suffocate in this toilet bowl!" Right now I'm probably thinking, "Eating the last piece of Nice Alice's carrot cake wasn't worth this at all!"

Actually, that fucking turd better not be thinking that! Nice Alice's carrot cake is worth any amount of suffering!

If you're an Ed Sheeran fan, you may not have noticed that Grunion Guy's tone has changed. That's because this is fucking Death Rock and I'm taking over his pansy-ass website. Hmm, I notice he posts this shit to Tumblr so maybe I should clarify something that y'all probably thought was a compliment: a woman playing a guitar with her vagina doesn't fucking rock. It's the opposite of rocking which is sucking. Those are fucking antonyms, right?!

Apparently this fat fuck reads comic books when he's not fucking the crease between his mattresses. And not even good comic books like Heavy Metal or Barely Legal the Comic Book. Oh man, that should be a comic book if it isn't a comic book. Plus it should just be photos and not artists. And no writers because I don't have time to read when I have a raging boner. Although let's be serious. Who can get a fucking hard-on while reading Barely Legal? I need some fucking experience on my women! I need a woman that looks used! I want to see a woman who you know blew every member of Slayer, held the semen in her mouth, and then spit it all in Jani Lane's face. Hmm, I shouldn't talk ill of the dead when they went out like a fucking rock star with their veins full of booze. The day he died was probably the single most rocking day of Jani Lane's life! But seriously. I need a woman that looks like she's fallen off the back of a motorcycle once or twice! I look in a copy of Barely Legal and I'm thinking, "Go to fucking college! Bang your way to a degree! Read some fucking Steinbeck so you have something to talk about after you've licked out my asshole!"

I probably shouldn't make fucking assumptions about women who do naked modeling at eighteen. I don't want to seem fucking sexist! I'm a modern guy! I own a blazer that goes with leather pants! I watch that British show with Nice Alice! You know the one! It's like Beverly Hills 90210 but with butlers and maids and shit. Okay, maybe I don't pay that much attention to it but I do fucking sit on the couch with Alice as she watches it because I know she's into that shit. And then she'll sit through The Great British Bake Off with me. That show is fucking metal.

Come to think of it, there's a lot of fucking shit I've been having to deal with this century! Did you know you can't call stupid people "retards" anymore?! What the fuck is up with that bullshit? Look. If I ever saw some Jovi Lover calling a bunch of mentally retarded people "retards," I'd introduce them to Bo and Luke Duke real quick. That ain't cool. But when you run into some average Joe fucking up your day with his inability to put together a coherent thought, y'all expect me to say some shit like, "Sir, your ability to think logically is retarded in the strict dictionary sense of the word 'retarded.'" Fuck no. I just shorthand that shit to "retarded"! But no! Now I'm the worst! But if I beat some asshole near to death for calling somebody else retarded, I'm a national hero!

You know what? I'm all turned around on the retarded thing! I should moisturize Bo and Luke here so they're ready to lay a beatdown on some people using language incorrectly! I'll be a fucking hero! "Man-Everybody-Wants-To-Fuck Buff Hero Death Rock Ends All Abuse of Language Forever!" It'll be some article about how every time somebody Tweets some word that makes holier-than-thou assholes cringe, Death Rock tracks the Tweeter down and beats some sense into them! I mean fuck it! We all know the only word you ever need to point out somebody is an asshole is "Jovi Fan." How many more insults do you need? That expresses it all! I'm all for that shit right there. Besides, I figure I can clean up my act and still rock motherfucking hard! I stopped calling lame stuff gay a long time ago. That wasn't so hard though because "Jovi Fan" really expresses lame way better than "gay." Hell, homosexuals are less lame than most prudish, uptight white middle class people (also known as "Jovi Fans").

Nice Alice likes to say she's rubbing off on me but I think she only says that because it makes me horny. She still cringes at about 80% of the shit I say even when I'm trying to be sociable. Like, she'd read all the shit I just fucking wrote and say something like, "Oh Deathy! I suppose at least you're trying." Then she'd sigh really long and loudly to show that she doesn't really think I'm trying as hard as I fucking could but it would only make me horny. Nice Alice is always going on and on about how words literally cause rape and violence. I just let it go because I realize she's an alien and probably doesn't actually know what literally means.

Look at this! A comic book that totally kicks ass!

I think spending so much time around Nice Alice has changed me. I'm nowhere close to as angry as I once was. I don't mean she's fucking influenced me with emotional pleas and rational arguments. See, she emits a "niceness field" that's like a drug which calms everybody down and turns the most violent situations into huggy hippie lovefests. I think spending so much time up in her has made me about 10% Jovi Fan! Sure, it sounds like I still have a lot of stubborn rough edges because--let's face it--most people are still assholes that need, on occasion, to have a tooth knocked out by the good ol' boys (you know! Bo and Luke Duke! My fucking fists!). Back in the old days, if somebody would have whined at me that I was being inconsiderate, I would have punched them in the fucking stomach just so they knew exactly how inconsiderate I could be. I still think some people need some of that shit for fucking comparison. Although you have to admire how awful a lot of people who claim to be good people truly fucking are. I've seen people in moshpits who just had their noses bloodied and broken not go after the culprit as hard and fucking metal as some of these righteous people on the internet go after somebody who once made a poor choice of words! Fuckers can teach some old school bullies some lessons! Pussies today are fucking hard, man. Ain't no Jovi Fans out there fighting for their...well, fuck if I know what they're fighting for. If I had to guess, I'd say they're fighting to feel some kind of power in a world where everybody is increasingly losing their power in every aspect of their lives. But then that's the classic method of creating a bully, right? "My father fucking beats my ass so I'm going to find some dick who looked at me funny or said 'faggot' on Twitter and I'm going to ruin them!"

People today don't want to engage anybody in any kind of conversation because they're so obviously right about everything in their own minds that it's easier to just shut somebody up by any means necessary. I can't say I blame the fuckers. That's what I fucking did my whole life. You fuck with me and I'm not going to discuss it with you. I'm just going to introduce you to Bo Duke and be done with it. Then you'll fucking think twice the next time you open your fucking Jovi mouth. Fear is a wonderful thing, you know?! So much easier to scare the shit out of people so they act appropriately rather than convincing them to do it for the right reasons. It's also so much quicker. My fists have done wonders for my sanity!

Another reason my fists got such a fucking work out over the years? People fucking criticizing me! If they criticized me, they were automatically assholes and deserved a fucking black eye. Who needs to learn and grow when you're already right, you know?! Fuck 'em all! Act the way I want and everything will be cool. Step out of line and KAPOW! Time to visit the dentist if not the fucking morgue.

What kind of weird shit is Grunion Guy reading? Maybe he's not as soft rock as I thought. This is creepy as fuck.

I should probably go let that fuck out of the toilet now. Getting soft, I fucking tell you. Smiling too much for all the wrong reasons. Fucking Alice. Fucking Alice ruined me! But I guess I'm not complaining. I might be a Jovi Fan but I'm realizing that I like being fucking happy more than I like being angry. Which is why Grunion Guy had to be punished for eating the last fucking piece of carrot cake. That shit makes me pretty fucking happy. I'm also getting a fucking gut. Gonna be as fat as Grunion Guy soon if Alice has her way. And I don't even care! Fucking Jovi Fan is right. I mean, the soundtrack to Young Guns II kind of rocked, right?

Gotham By Midnight #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Did I even fucking review this? What happened? Don't read this review.