Twat Lobo #8

In this issue, our hero has sex with some stuff and then kills some stuff. He might even do both to some of the same stuff!

Twat Lobo is the hero this generation deserves! Ha ha! In your face, Twat Generation! That's your new nickname! I think the Twat Generation encompasses the years from 1963 until 2015! Twats!

Oh wait! Except for the year 1971! That year is exempt! Whew! That was close. I almost called myself a twat!

If The Boomers jerks who gave us the Boomers can refer to themselves as The Greatest Generation, can't every generation after their stupid Boomer offspring just call themselves The Twattiest Generation and just give a great big middle finger to every stupid fucking Boomer who decided the world really wasn't worth saving once all the free love dried up? Jerks!

This issue begins with Twat Lobo battling a Daemonite, a Thanagarian, and a White Martian. Those sound like delicious drinks full of alcohol! I bet a White Martian is two parts Kahlua, five parts Vodka, and three parts screams of an abductee. A Daemonite is three parts Zima, two parts awful art, and one part terrible scripting. And a Thanagarian is a broken beer bottle jammed into the neck of the first person to piss you off. Who's ready to party?!

Did the Martian and Thanagarian stand around debating the existence of God while they allowed Twat Lobo to wrap his chain that many times around the Daemonite?

Twat Lobo does that thing where he thinks about how powerful his foes are so that the reader understands how truly difficult the battle was even after he kills them in two or three pages. He also thinks up his strategy which is this: kill...er, sorry...ice them quickly. So the plan to battle super difficult foes is to kill them quickly? I figure the thing that makes them difficult is the same thing that keeps the fight from going fast. If they were easy foes, I can see the fight going quickly! But if they're super tough opponents, you don't want to take too long fighting them! So kill them quickly! Which means they're really not that difficult and I think Twat Lobo is lying to all of the readers to make himself seem more like a bad-ass than he really is.

When Twat Lobo realizes his opponents are also being controlled by some kind of Hypno-Bot, he swears in Yiddish. Well that makes his genocide of his own people even more offensive than it already was!

Twat Lobo doesn't ice them as quickly as he had planned to. I suppose it's a good way to fill up half of a script, anyway! And when you're writing as many comics as Cullen Bunn writes each month, a few short cuts have to be taken. It's easier to send Cliff Richards a script which reads: Pages 1-10: Twat Lobo Battles The Thanagarian and the Daemonite and the White Martian from the end of last issue. Have fun!

During the battle, Twat Lobo mentions that pity is against the Code. I wish I'd been keeping track of all of Twat Lobo's rules. Does anybody want to sift back through all of Twat Lobo's back issues and write up his list of codes for me?

Some space guy with a laser bow appears on page nine to help Twat Lobo finish the battle. Wow! He must really get teased! A science fiction space guy using a crappy bow?! I mean, if it fires lasers anyway, why does his weapon need to be bow shaped? What is the deal with airline food?!

Twat Lobo knows a guy he calls The Twat Mechanic. This guy knows every maker of technology in the entire universe! Bullshit! Nobody can know an infinite amount of information! Or as close to infinite as matters, anyways! But I guess he's a lazy plot device to just move Twat Lobo closer to his next victim, so why am I complaining? What do I want to read? Three issues of Twat Lobo running around in circles trying to figure out where the Hypno-Bots were made?! I don't even want to read three issues of Twat Lobo doing anything interesting! Not that there's any chance of that happening with Bunn at the wheel. Ha ha! That was a Cullen Burn!

This panel could have taken place immediately after the page ending with Twat Lobo dealing with the Twat Mechanic and mentioning how the Twat Mechanic gets results.

But instead, this page sits between them. This is the equivalent of expanding the margins on your final paper.

Between the ten page fight and throwing in redundant pages, Cullen Bunn only had to write about four pages of script this month! Easy money! Cha-ching!

Twat Lobo walks around the party and everybody glances at him and thinks, "Oh, he's here to try to murder the Countess." So it isn't a surprise to anybody when he walks into the Countess's lab of Hypno-bots only to be ambushed by the Countess and the Thanagarian and a bald woman and a bunch of Stormtroopers and a couple of Alien Scientists (they have big brains so I'm sure they're behind the Bots and the mind control). Countess Fab informs Twat Lobo that the hypno-bots aren't manufactured at all. They're born underneath her skin. Well, good thing they were born with Maker's Marks so that The Twat Mechanic could figure out where they came from.

The big twist comes right before Twat Lobo cuts off Countess Fab's head and/or fucks her: he's infected with a mind control spider-bot! Oh my God! Nobody saw this coming at all! Which is surprising seeing that Twat Lobo's entire mission was to find the person manufacturing small mind control robots that burrow into the skin of the victim. No possible way he could have protected against this eventuality? Oh wait! Of course he did! That's going to be the real twist! The Twat Mechanic made some kind of shield against the power of the Spider-Bots! Twat Lobo is just going undercover to find out more about the Countess's business! Oh Twat Lobo! You're so clever!

Twat Lobo #8 Rating: This is already the worst comic book DC publishes every month. I can't make it any worse. No wait! It's my rules! I can make it worse! -1 Ranking! Suck it, Twat Lobo! You're now worse than the worst!