Batman #42

Is this a new villain that will be the antithesis of Jim Gordon?

This issue begins with two kids arguing about which Batman action figure is the real Batman because Scott Snyder needs to acknowledge the "I'm not going to read a Batrobot" book reaction by Batman fans. Look, Scott. I was all in for anything you did in this book. After forty issues of, more or less (usually more), killing it on this book, I trust in your ability to tell a well-crafted and interesting story. But you really need to back off on the hard sell! Last issue turned me completely around on trusting you because you don't seem to trust the readers. The entire story was about convincing the Batman fans to hang in there and follow Commissioner Batman's story. Once you began doing that, I became a contrarian internet asshole and decided that I hated Commissioner Batman! My first thought before opening this comic book was that I was going to let that go (mostly because I can never stay in the same voice from commentary to commentary on any single series since each issue of an individual series winds up having forty other commentaries between them) and embrace Commissioner Batman. But then I open it up to two kids comparing Batman action figures and explaining why Bruce Wayne Batman is the real Batman and the other one is a Kmart knockoff. I get it! You figure you'll head the critics off at the pass. You'll point out that arguing which Batman is the real Batman is a childish waste of time! Message received. Now can we put all that shit behind us? Can you just accept that the readers are with you now?

The discussion between the kids is also to highlight how Commissioner Batman doesn't have a Batmobile. Well, that's been remedied.

That's not a Batmobile! That's a space station!

Commissioner Batman heads into the Narrows to battle Gee Gee Heung, a Triad crime boss with the ability to manipulate bricks and stone and dirt and mud. So he's a Terra knockoff. I hope the next page shows two kids arguing about which is the better master of earth manipulation superperson, Terra or Gee Gee Heung. Of course neither of them want to play with Geoforce because he's boring and stuffy and the biggest knockoff of them all.

More symbolism!

Being that Gee Gee can manipulate the very building blocks of Gotham City, it's as if Gotham itself is rejecting Jim Gordon as Batman. What can Gordon do to prove himself to...to...to...well, to everybody! Jim's been protecting Gotham for a long time. But when Batman came along, Batman put him in a difficult position. By being better at fighting crime than the police, Batman may have caused the people of Gotham to lose trust in the police department's ability to do its job. But now that Batman's gone, Jim has to regain the city's trust. He has to find a way to prove that the Gotham Police Department, that the justice system and all of its parts, can actually protect the citizens as well, or better, than Batman ever could. That's a tough job considering even people in real life cities that aren't plagued by super villains have a hard time trusting that the police can actually protect them, or even want to protect them!

Commissioner Batman has been capturing criminals who have been implanted with devices that give them super powers. But the devices eventually break down and kill the user with a high dose of radiation. That means whoever is behind the devices is Commissioner Batman's first real nemesis. People like Gee Gee Heung are just fodder and practice dummies.

Commissioner Batman calls his new Bat-Truck to the scene where it crashes down from the sky and nearly crushes Gee Gee to death. I don't know how the thing flew but it's a comic book about a man in an armored Bunnysuit so why should I sweat the small details? The main thing is that he stopped the bad guy! Unless the main thing is that he just destroyed a fifteen million dollar vehicle. I guess it depends on who you ask.

Before the radiation kills Gee Gee (because somehow the truck falling out of the sky on him only broke his brick exoskeleton), he tells Commissioner Batman the name of Gotham's newest enemy: Mr. Bloom! He's spraying his seed all over the city and impregnating criminals everywhere with super powers and eventual lethal doses of radiation. I think I'd rather have him in my city than those trees that, when they bloom, they smell like semen.

Well, well. It turns out Julia Perry is Penny-Two.

I think Julia's advice to Jim should put the whole confidence problem behind him. And with that, Snyder should be laying to rest his need to convince the readers as well. Julia Perrywonth is on the team! It's practically a real Batman comic book already! But we definitely need a Bruce Wayne scene before it's over or I'm going to have withdrawals.

Awwww. There it is. Eyes rolling back in the head. All over orgasmic feeling. Nothing fucking matters now. Drifting away....

We. Are. Robins! Duh dun dun dun duh duh dun!

Bruce is working at a community rec center or something and falling in love with his boss Julie Madison. MADISON! Unless she's falling in love with him. I mean, of course she's falling in love with him. He's Batman! But I think he's whiskey-a-go-go over her too.

Bruce enters the supply closet and finds Jim Gordon jerking it into an empty paint canister. Bruce is all, "What the fuck are you doing in here?" (even though it's readily apparent!). To distract Bruce, Jim Gordon is all, "Uh...uh...I'm the Jeezly Crow Batman!" Gorsh. Is there anybody left in Gotham that Jim Gordon hasn't told his secret to?

Batman #42 Rating: No change. I really want to be completely invested in the Commissioner Batman stuff but it's hard when the last three pages starring Bruce intrigue me and make me giddy while the other nineteen pages were just pages I felt I needed to read before I could get to the pages with Bruce in them! I mean, they were competent and well-written and an interesting enough story. But they didn't make me feel funny in the pants at all. Not in a pervy way! Just in that way you feel when the doctor gives you a prostate exam? You know? Hmm, maybe you don't know. Um, nevermind.