Aquaman #41

This is The Joker's worst plan ever. Teeny tiny Jokerized Great Whites?!

Here's a thing that happened with Aquaman: he wasn't really a big seller until Geoff Johns took him under his wing at the beginning of The New 52 and made him likeable. He actually fit the character Johns gave him. He kept to himself but still felt the need to help the people of his town even if they didn't appreciate it. He was kind and his relationship with hot-tempered Mera was sweet and believable. Then Jeff Parker came along and basically took that Aquaman and sent him on a few grand Atlantis-themed adventures. Parker didn't attempt anything revolutionary, and he didn't really reveal or change anything major in Aquaman's character. Things seemed to be going smoothly for Aquaman. He was a man a bit too tied down to leadership than he'd have liked but he seemed happy, he acted heroic, and Mera kicked motherfucking ass. I know that third part didn't have anything to do with Aquaman but she's been at least 45% of the reason the book was interesting. So with that being said, what happened that Aquaman's world suddenly needed to fall apart? Well, hopefully this issue will explain it in a way that I find interesting or I'm going to pout and maybe even cuss Cullen Bunn out loud!

The issue begins with an ancient building appearing through the St. Louis arch which means at least once in his life, Cullen Bunn looked at the arch, elbowed his equally drunk friend, and slurred, "What if that's a pothole? Porthole? Portal!" Then his friend threw up all over the back of the prostitute blowing Cullen Bunn and Cullen Bunn decided to write the wrong part of that story into his first issue of Aquaman.

Aquaman narrates the arrival of the ancient building which wouldn't be too bad if he were describing things he actually could perceive. Instead he's saying how the humans seeing it "don't know what they're looking at," and "their brains work overtime trying to make sense of it all." How does he know? Maybe some of them are Coast to Coast AM listeners and they were totally expecting this. One of them actually says, "--heard about something like this." See, Aquaman? Suck it! Take your condescending attitude and dive back home.

Aquaman arrives to save the day sporting a new costume. It must be Atlantis's Banishment Armor. Or the "I cheated on my wife with a hot jungle girl" outfit. His buckle must be the Atlantis version of the Scarlet Letter, especially since it makes him look like he's sporting a huge boner. Do none of the editors at DC know what a boner looks like?

This is from the Sneak Peek so maybe they've toned down this raging erection armor for the regular series.

This is a comic book so you'd think that panels of Aquaman slicing away at the attacking tentacles would be enough for readers. It could be visually spectacular and tell the tale in gushes of blood and curling tentacles and sweeping panels of Aquaman's battle. Instead, the first panel shows Aquaman cutting a tentacle with a SLLLLSH and while doing it, Aquaman Narration Boxes, "Enchanted blade bites deep...unnatural flesh torn asunder beneath its edge." That's almost as bad as back in the Golden Age when a panel showing Lois driving off of a cliff in her car would have a Narration Box explaining how she's driving her car off of a cliff while she's thinking to herself, "Oh no! I just drove my car off of a cliff!"

The rest of the battle needs Narration Boxes because Aquaman introduces concepts such as the "bane-field" which he's keeping at bay through mysterious blessings he's been blessed with by blessers. But at least his dialogue makes the whole book worthwhile!

This is where I'd add "Not!" if I weren't instead adding, "That's what she said!"

It feels like Cullen Bunn decided Aquaman would be best suited as a pulp fiction hero. Then he wrote a short story and handed it off to Trevor McCarthy with a note that said, "Turn this into a comic book." Did his wallet pinch him and say, "Hey! Hey buddy! You see how much scratch Gail Simone is making with Red Sonja and them other pulp heroes?! Holy jizz cows! You gotta get me some of that moolah!" And Cullen Bunn was all, "Argh! Why did I ever buy this wallet in that department store surrounded by a Bane-Field?!"

A bunch of pulp monsters come out to battle Aquaman and he pulls out his switchtrident ready to face them. But first...a flashback! In the flashback, Aquaman, Mera, Tula, Murk, and Swoon discover an ancient building with tendrils and tentacles coming out of it. But this one is under the water and poisoning the sea! That's enough flashback for now. Back to the awesome battle.

The awesome battle ends quickly with Aquaman freezing all of the opponents with his new Ice Power. Then he stabs the building with his trident, turning the building and all of the creatures into a pile of ash. The people of St. Louis try hard to comprehend what happened but they fail just as they fail to comprehend anything that truly matters every day in their rote existence. But Aquaman pops a boner (unless it's his suit) and thinks about the next kill. Also he thinks maybe he should finish that flashback!

It's a good think Vulko is around to give them a pretty definitive answer about what's happening. But even without him, the wild speculation by Atlantis's doctors and scientists was pretty close to the mark. I don't know how they do it without any fucking evidence at all! They just surmise shit and everybody nods their heads and says, "That sounds reasonable!"

Vulko makes his dipping the toe analogy based on speculation. He says he studied the scientists' findings but the findings amount to "it's possible this has been happening on a much smaller scale." Then the doctor goes on to speculate that it could have started with pebbles or small relics and then she says, "Or, as some of us believe, lower lifeforms." Everybody readily admits that there's no fucking evidence for the smaller scale incursion theory but, hey, it sounds good and it allows Vulko to use the "dipping the toe in water" analogy! Plus Vulko knew Atlantis was sick with this "genetic disease" for centuries. He just figured why tell anybody if they're going to keep him locked up for no good reason. Well, practically no good reason, anyway!

Oh shit. The people of St. Louis really are trite morons!

More evidence that the people of St. Louis are idiots (at least in the DCyou! I wouldn't want to offend any actual knuckleheads from St. Louis! They can't be responsible for where they were born), they shout merrily "Look! Look! Are those your people? Are they from Atlantis?" while pointing at ships flying through the sky. Now, I realize these ships are from Atlantis. But that doesn't make the people assuming they would be any smarter just because they've jumped to the right conclusion with the shittiest of evidence. Why the fuck are Atlanteans flying around in sky ships?! I don't buy it! Where do they even make these ships? Where do they test fly them?!

The Atlanteans demand that Aquaman surrender or they will kill him. But he just tells them to fuck off and teleports away. The Atlanteans say, "He's doing it again! He's teleporting!" Well, if they knew that he could do that, and he's run from them before, and lethal force isn't out of the question...why not just open fire as soon as they see him? Mera should have paid them more to kill the man that cheated on her ass. Her super duper fine ass, by the way. It's totally delicious.

Even though Arthur finished the "what's going on with these invasive buildings" flashback, Arthur still needs more flashbacks to bring everybody up to speed on why Mera now hates him. Also why Mera was allowed to be Queen of Atlantis when everybody hates her Xebel ass.

Aha! That's when everything went wrong! The proposal! It angered the Editorial Gods!

Also, Aquaman has allowed one of the intruding building and its people to remain non-ash. It's located in the Amazon and I bet it's right next door to Jungle Girl Booty Call. Supposedly Mera is pissed at Aquaman for allowing these people (who are not monsters like the St. Louis invaders. They look like humans (mostly) so they're allowed to live, I guess) to live. I think Mera is pissed because he's allowed them to live in the Amazon near Ya'wara and she's tired of Arthur getting back to the palace at three in the morning smelling like Jungle Sex but saying he was just checking on his new subjects.

Aquaman #41 Rating: I feel like if I don't drop the ranking, I'm not doing my job properly. I mean, Aquaman is now cut off from Mera which is a really terrible idea (-1 Ranking!) and he has a new uniform that accentuates his phallus (-1 Ranking!) and he's being chased by Atlantis because...well, I don't know. He's not saving them fast enough or something. The best thing about this current Aquaman is he's worse than ever! Try to defend this jerk, Aqua-lovers!