When I first glanced at this cover, I thought Hal's dick was falling off.
I'm not as smart as Hector Hammond so I probably shouldn't question why he and Grodd have decided to use the powers of the 3rd meteorite to evolve their greatest enemies. But then I think about things other than taking vengeance against those who have humiliated me (mostly because then I'd just be punching myself in the face). If I were Hector with that gigantic brain that looks like a scrotum wearing a bad toupee, I'd think along these lines: "If my evolution was to become a much smarter man at the expense of my physique, wouldn't another jump in evolution give me a hard-ass fit body to go along with my know-it-all mind? At some point, with the human body getting weaker and weaker, some human babies are going to get stronger and stronger while also retaining their increased intelligence. Then those babies will kick the asses of the other babies in pre-college and wind up on top of the sex chain. Or maybe another jump in evolution as big as that between modern humans and Hector Hammond would just result in a really smart mind trapped in a useless body but with a massive fucking cock."
Apparently I think evolution will simply result in millions of Steven C. Stewarts, the star and writer of Crispin-Glover-produced-and-directed It is Fine! Everything is Fine.
It's also possible this cover is a big lying tease because readers don't seem to mind being gaslit by massive fucking media companies.
Apparently I think evolution will simply result in millions of Steven C. Stewarts, the star and writer of Crispin-Glover-produced-and-directed It is Fine! Everything is Fine.
It's also possible this cover is a big lying tease because readers don't seem to mind being gaslit by massive fucking media companies.
Why does this opening scene make me think of Twitter and Elon Musk stans?
Oh man! Now I'm beginning to doubt that Gorilla Grodd is as smart as people always say he is. He's probably just a big dorky ape that things defending free speech means promoting idiotic conspiracies you believe in while censoring anything that makes you look like a stupid liar! And a bunch of incelorillas were all, "Grodd is a genius! Did you see the way he invented beating The Flash?! Nobody would have any free speech if he didn't spend 44 billion Gorilla City bucks to buy that jail cell condominium mansion!"
When I call somebody an incel, I'm not trying to insult them for being involuntarily celibate. Mostly because most incels are voluntarily celibate. They choose to be as unattractive as possible and thus fulfill, to themselves, the prophecy of never getting any pussy. How the fuck do you think you're going to impress a woman enough that she wants to come on your face by sitting behind a computer or phone screen 24/7 getting angrier and angrier that you aren't getting laid?! But hell! Even being online 24/7 doesn't mean you can't get laid! I've got a friend who got married and had two kids with a woman he met on World of Warcraft. And if you ever saw the way his thoughts translate to typed speech due to some flaw in his mental processing, you'd be all, "How the fuck did that guy woo a woman?!" But he did! Probably because he always let her have the best treasure drops on raids.
Green Lantern and Flash subdue Grodd's incelorillas in less time than it takes Wally West's microwave to cook four pizzas and six burritos. So, you know, like ten seconds. But Flash forgot to warn Green Lantern about the immobile man in the floating La-Z-Boy.
When I call somebody an incel, I'm not trying to insult them for being involuntarily celibate. Mostly because most incels are voluntarily celibate. They choose to be as unattractive as possible and thus fulfill, to themselves, the prophecy of never getting any pussy. How the fuck do you think you're going to impress a woman enough that she wants to come on your face by sitting behind a computer or phone screen 24/7 getting angrier and angrier that you aren't getting laid?! But hell! Even being online 24/7 doesn't mean you can't get laid! I've got a friend who got married and had two kids with a woman he met on World of Warcraft. And if you ever saw the way his thoughts translate to typed speech due to some flaw in his mental processing, you'd be all, "How the fuck did that guy woo a woman?!" But he did! Probably because he always let her have the best treasure drops on raids.
Green Lantern and Flash subdue Grodd's incelorillas in less time than it takes Wally West's microwave to cook four pizzas and six burritos. So, you know, like ten seconds. But Flash forgot to warn Green Lantern about the immobile man in the floating La-Z-Boy.
I might sound ableist saying this but, geez, most embarrassing moment of Hal's career.
Hector Hammond would be insulted if I called myself ableist when insulting him. We're the ones who are disabled in his eyes! And I practically get that. I'd say I hate living in a flesh prison about 85% of the time. The other 15% of the time I'm jerking off.
Flash doesn't last much longer than Hal because he has to slow down to deliver a speech to Hector which gives Grodd a moment to blast him in the butthole.
Flash doesn't last much longer than Hal because he has to slow down to deliver a speech to Hector which gives Grodd a moment to blast him in the butthole.
Holy shit! Talk about ableist! Stupid fucking monkey!
Right now you might be thinking, "Tess? Do you think the butthole is right over the kidney?" But you're not thinking in Speed Force! We can't really see exactly where a beam traveling at the speed of light hits a man while he's accelerating to the speed of light after having stood still for three seconds to deliver his lines to Hector. I will never back down from the idea that Flash stops whenever he has a speech bubble! Flash comics try to get me to believe in a thousand irrational ideas every issue and I'll allow myself to make excuses for those things, like Wally showering in three seconds because he's installed a pressure washer in his shower. But I'll never believe that Wally doesn't want people to hear his incredibly funny retorts by speaking them super fast and at such a high speed that human ears could never pick them up.
If you think Grodd is a miserable, judgmental asshole, don't sleep on Hector's ability to be one too.
If you think Grodd is a miserable, judgmental asshole, don't sleep on Hector's ability to be one too.
Oh, so big brutish stinking apes can't be poetic? Fuck off, spindle-boy!
Grodd doesn't finish his statement about how apes are ethnically superior to humans because a dog jumps on him and he screams like a little bitch.
You're an 800 pound gorilla with a gun. It's a fucking border collie. Calm the fuck down.
I thought maybe Grodd had a phobia of dogs but he's just as susceptible to being startled by a dog jumping out of the bushes and tearing at his throat as anybody. He does calm down, dealing with Rex in the very next panel where he punches a dog in the face. This Grodd really is trouble, isn't he?!
Grodd calls Rex a "son of a --" and Rex replies with, "Yeah, so what?" But then they don't fight because Hector realizes a gorilla tearing a dog to pieces is terrible optics, even for an evil villain. At least in 1992! Nowadays, an evil villain has to tear multiple dogs in half and then have sex with both halves of each torn apart dog for audiences to realize he's the bad guy. Or the flawed hero, if you're reading a Mark Millar comic book.
I hope that Mark Millar joke doesn't make him upset!
Grodd calls Rex a "son of a --" and Rex replies with, "Yeah, so what?" But then they don't fight because Hector realizes a gorilla tearing a dog to pieces is terrible optics, even for an evil villain. At least in 1992! Nowadays, an evil villain has to tear multiple dogs in half and then have sex with both halves of each torn apart dog for audiences to realize he's the bad guy. Or the flawed hero, if you're reading a Mark Millar comic book.
I hope that Mark Millar joke doesn't make him upset!
Oh wait. He'll never see it! Whew!
Man. You make one little joke about how Mark Millar's writing suffers when there's no on-panel decapitations and he erases you out of his existence! That's okay though. Because it was worth it!
Hammond telepathically flies Grodd and himself to the third meteorite before Green Lantern and Flash can recover from being shot by a laser and be run into by a lame guy in a stupid chair. Why didn't Hammond just fly himself across the ocean? Surely his brain power could have managed it without also alerting Grodd's nemesis to their plans? I suppose Hector needed to get to Africa fast so that Grodd didn't suck up all the Evolution Juice for himself.
Hammond telepathically flies Grodd and himself to the third meteorite before Green Lantern and Flash can recover from being shot by a laser and be run into by a lame guy in a stupid chair. Why didn't Hammond just fly himself across the ocean? Surely his brain power could have managed it without also alerting Grodd's nemesis to their plans? I suppose Hector needed to get to Africa fast so that Grodd didn't suck up all the Evolution Juice for himself.
Judging by the way these two interact, I don't think Hal and Wally will even be necessary to stop them.
Grodd: "Fortunately for you, I can smash your head like a juicy gourd!"
Hammond: "Fortunately for you, I can give you an unending case of erectile dysfunction!"
Grodd: "Fortunately for you, I just fucked the back of your chair with my huge gorilla dong!"
Hammond: "Fortunately for you, I can force you to fuck furnit...wait a second!"
Both: "Telepathy!"
*Both laugh until Rex the Wonder Dog traps them in a well*
How many babies do you think would fit in an adult-sized gorilla suit? Just asking out of curiosity and has nothing to do with Halloween coming up.
Hammond and Grodd might be super smart but each of them speaks to the other in the most patronizing way, telegraphing their intent to betray the other. Is it their narcissism that blinds them to the other's treachery? Or are they really no smarter than a Democrat constantly moving to the center to garner the votes of people who have been brainwashed into thinking liberals eat children? I guarantee Harris gains more votes by going on 60 Minutes and proclaiming that all cops are fucking bastards and they're starting a federal funding program so every city can have their own Wicker Man.
Grodd and Hammond find the meteor surrounded by animals that have evolved thousands of years into their futures.
Hammond: "Fortunately for you, I can give you an unending case of erectile dysfunction!"
Grodd: "Fortunately for you, I just fucked the back of your chair with my huge gorilla dong!"
Hammond: "Fortunately for you, I can force you to fuck furnit...wait a second!"
Both: "Telepathy!"
*Both laugh until Rex the Wonder Dog traps them in a well*
How many babies do you think would fit in an adult-sized gorilla suit? Just asking out of curiosity and has nothing to do with Halloween coming up.
Hammond and Grodd might be super smart but each of them speaks to the other in the most patronizing way, telegraphing their intent to betray the other. Is it their narcissism that blinds them to the other's treachery? Or are they really no smarter than a Democrat constantly moving to the center to garner the votes of people who have been brainwashed into thinking liberals eat children? I guarantee Harris gains more votes by going on 60 Minutes and proclaiming that all cops are fucking bastards and they're starting a federal funding program so every city can have their own Wicker Man.
Grodd and Hammond find the meteor surrounded by animals that have evolved thousands of years into their futures.
Obviously elephants would survive better if they were just more gay.
As Green Lantern flies everybody in a bubble on the trail of the psychic duo, he's hit with a mental blast from Hector Hammond's massive dome and falls unconscious, sending everybody plummeting to the ground. After Hal wakes up, Rex informs him about how they all survived.
So the explanation is that Flash hit the ground even faster than terminal velocity?
Barry would have just done the windmill thing with his arms, one pointed down and the other pointed up, to slow all of their descents. But that's why he was the better Flash! Also, less of a sex pest.
A lot of people will argue with me about my declaration that Barry was the better Flash. But I'm not here to argue that since I don't care for either Flash. I just mean Barry was obviously more competent. Except when it came to being a thorn in the side of JLE's HR Department.
Flash, Rex, and Green Lantern continue their search for Hector and Grodd, leaving the military man behind because he broke his ankle in the fall. I don't ever remember anybody breaking an ankle when Barry was saving them.
Deep in the jungle, the heroes run into psychic flowers that mesmerize Wally and Rex. Hal's ring keeps him safe but that means he's got to defend himself against Hector and Grodd combined! Grodd worries that even they're not smart enough to defeat Green Lantern and suggests that Hammond suck up some Evolution Juice from the meteor. Hammond quickly agrees because he's actually an idiot. Why would Grodd allow Hector to use the meteorite unless he knew there was something tainted in its juice! And just like that, it backfires on Hammond and he devolves into a stupid ape while Grodd evolves into a dickless ape with a massive forehead.
A lot of people will argue with me about my declaration that Barry was the better Flash. But I'm not here to argue that since I don't care for either Flash. I just mean Barry was obviously more competent. Except when it came to being a thorn in the side of JLE's HR Department.
Flash, Rex, and Green Lantern continue their search for Hector and Grodd, leaving the military man behind because he broke his ankle in the fall. I don't ever remember anybody breaking an ankle when Barry was saving them.
Deep in the jungle, the heroes run into psychic flowers that mesmerize Wally and Rex. Hal's ring keeps him safe but that means he's got to defend himself against Hector and Grodd combined! Grodd worries that even they're not smart enough to defeat Green Lantern and suggests that Hammond suck up some Evolution Juice from the meteor. Hammond quickly agrees because he's actually an idiot. Why would Grodd allow Hector to use the meteorite unless he knew there was something tainted in its juice! And just like that, it backfires on Hammond and he devolves into a stupid ape while Grodd evolves into a dickless ape with a massive forehead.
I think Grodd really just wanted the comfy chair.
Not to be purposefully contrarian but I'd rather be stupid with a fit body. I suppose if I wanted to be stupid with a fit body, I could make that happen as easily as Grodd made this happen. I mean, not super as easily in that there isn't a magic meteor to make me fit and dumb. But I could work out and huff a ton of paint if I really fucking wanted to be dumb and fit. The problem is that right now I'm average intelligence, unfit, and really fucking lazy.
In the fallout of the meteorite exploding, Green Lantern turns into a Neanderthal and Flash turns into Hector Hammond. With a head growing that big, that fast, even after returning to normal, Wally's going to have some killer stretch marks all over his cabeza.
Green Lantern #31 Rating: A. I won't say this comic book felt modern since it's 30 years old but it definitely had the modernity of 1992 about it while telling an old Silver Age story. Plus it starred Rex the Wonder Dog with another cameo by Inspector Boobs. I mean Bobo. The only problem I have with it, and it's not a problem isolated to this comic book, is the vague motivation of Grodd and Hammond. They both just sort of want to rule the world. But why? And how would that look when they do it? I think they're just too stupid to realize they want to live a fulfilled life on their own terms without anybody making fun of their useless limbs and/or bare monkey butthole. They think the world won't let them be themselves so they figure they must rule the world to force everybody into allowing them to live the life they want. It's a massive mistake for so many reasons that I'm too lazy to think of all of them. But one of those reasons has to be the responsibility. If you rule the world, you're fucking responsible, man! Sure, you could just force everybody to bring all the resources to you and then you can live a lavish lifestyle while the rest of the world burns. But then you've got to constantly worry about being attacked by unruly mobs or jerks like Green Lantern and Flash and their little dog too. Hopefully Grodd is defeated next issue just by sitting in the comfy chair. He'll be all, "This is nice. All I need is a nice chair like this, a porch with a cool breeze, and some iced tea with watermelon. Fuck, that sounds like a dream!" And then Grodd would basically be my grandmother and he'd live his best fucking life because I'll be Goddamned if anybody lived a better life than my grandmother in retirement (and I guess me in my early youth because I was right there spitting seeds on the bench beside her any chance I got)! She had a great porch too!
Eww. I just heard it. "She's got a great porch too!" That's not any kind of euphemism, dammit! You get those filthy thoughts of my late grandmother out of your filthy head!
In the fallout of the meteorite exploding, Green Lantern turns into a Neanderthal and Flash turns into Hector Hammond. With a head growing that big, that fast, even after returning to normal, Wally's going to have some killer stretch marks all over his cabeza.
Green Lantern #31 Rating: A. I won't say this comic book felt modern since it's 30 years old but it definitely had the modernity of 1992 about it while telling an old Silver Age story. Plus it starred Rex the Wonder Dog with another cameo by Inspector Boobs. I mean Bobo. The only problem I have with it, and it's not a problem isolated to this comic book, is the vague motivation of Grodd and Hammond. They both just sort of want to rule the world. But why? And how would that look when they do it? I think they're just too stupid to realize they want to live a fulfilled life on their own terms without anybody making fun of their useless limbs and/or bare monkey butthole. They think the world won't let them be themselves so they figure they must rule the world to force everybody into allowing them to live the life they want. It's a massive mistake for so many reasons that I'm too lazy to think of all of them. But one of those reasons has to be the responsibility. If you rule the world, you're fucking responsible, man! Sure, you could just force everybody to bring all the resources to you and then you can live a lavish lifestyle while the rest of the world burns. But then you've got to constantly worry about being attacked by unruly mobs or jerks like Green Lantern and Flash and their little dog too. Hopefully Grodd is defeated next issue just by sitting in the comfy chair. He'll be all, "This is nice. All I need is a nice chair like this, a porch with a cool breeze, and some iced tea with watermelon. Fuck, that sounds like a dream!" And then Grodd would basically be my grandmother and he'd live his best fucking life because I'll be Goddamned if anybody lived a better life than my grandmother in retirement (and I guess me in my early youth because I was right there spitting seeds on the bench beside her any chance I got)! She had a great porch too!
Eww. I just heard it. "She's got a great porch too!" That's not any kind of euphemism, dammit! You get those filthy thoughts of my late grandmother out of your filthy head!
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