Emerald Dawn II #4 (July 1991)

How many times this motherfucker gonna get himself crucified?

This is probably the first time in his chronological life that Hal was "crucified" unless it also happened to him in the first Emerald Dawn series which is a possibility because it seems he's always getting crucified. I used to think Superman was the go-to Christ figure in the DC Universe. But you can't get more Christlike than Hal being crucified for another person named Sinestro. Did that come close enough to parodying "died for other people's sins" to be apparent? No? Fuck you.

Hal and Sinestro have just arrived on Korugar to make sure that everything is okay. What they find is that everything is not okay. It's really bad. For Sinestro. The citizens of Korugar, free from Sinestro's prying eyes for a few weeks, decided to throw off the shackles of his oppression and murder every Green Lantern that ever enters their airspace again. Korugar is basically every country on Earth and Sinestro is America. They're like, "Fuck you, you imperialist oppressor and nugget composed of fucks. It would be really nice if we could determine our own future without you butting in constantly because some kind of valuable resource exists within our borders." And America always answers, "No. Eat shit, you wild-eyed pussies!"

I'm American so I can say that kind of thing about my wildly out-of-control country. If you can't complain about your country and critique it in the hopes that you can improve it so that you don't have to say you're Canadian when visiting Europe, then what the fuck is freedom even for?! Also, nobody fought and died for my freedom ever. Yes, American soldiers have fought and died. But they have never once fought for the freedom of Americans on American soil. They haven't fought and died for me so much so that I want all of my taxes ever spent on the military back! Fuck school vouchers! I want military vouchers! Why should I have to pay for America's military to oppress other countries AND also pay for my flail to protect myself?! Seems like a scam.

Katma-Tui, future dead Green Lantern wife of John Stewart, leads the rebellion against Sinestro with the help of a Khund alliance. They didn't much like being beaten up by Hal Jordan and Sinestro for basically no reason. It's not like they'd started raiding ships and demanding tolls on their bandit space highway. How unfair is that?! To get your ass beaten for something you haven't done yet?

So this is what Sinestro meant about Green Lanterns having pets.

Hal acts offended when he hears how Sinestro speaks of his fellow Korugarians. But Sinestro explains how, yes, individual sentients are okay but when you get them in groups, they get really disrespectful and disorderly and begin discussing "ideas." He sounds like the United Kingdom under Thatcher. No, wait. I meant he sounds like the current United Kingdom.

Fuck it. He sounds like a lot of narcissistic assholes who think contrary opinions either don't exist, are uncivil insults, or outright lies.

Sometimes I wonder why people love being on multiple social media sites. Don't they see enough mediocre people with terrible opinions shining a spotlight on their own media illiteracy and awful reading comprehension from just one social media site? I hate that I learned so many of my family members were morons thanks to Facebook. And now I've learned how many morons think they know how to think thanks to Twitter. I've never been on Instagram or TikTok or a bunch of other popular ones so I don't know exactly how many people show their ignorant bellies on purpose on those sites. BlueSky is pretty okay though! Um, so far!

Sinestro goes on a violent rampage, tearing down every building in the city. He has decided he must start over from scratch, possibly with no sentient beings at all. Imagine how nice and orderly a planet-wide graveyard would be! I'm feeling relaxed just thinking about it.

Hal Jordan doesn't like that idea at all though so he stops Sinestro. Hal Jordan doesn't know what to do with him once he has him wrapped up so he radios for help. More Green Lanterns are on their way!

The reaction of a man who knows he's fucked around for far too long and now his bosses and coworkers are about to find out. Is that how that saying goes?

Hal and Sinestro have a little Green Lantern fight for a few pages and then Sinestro, losing control for a moment so that Hal gets the better of him, realizes he needs to be punished! He needs the chaos beaten out of him. He's been a bad daddy!

I'm getting really uncomfortable.

Once Sinestro jizzes in his pants from the humiliation, he loses the passion to destroy the city. He would take a nap but Hal Jordan keeps pressing him on what's wrong. Sinestro points out that the Guardians are going to misunderstand what was going on here on Korugar. They're going to think Sinestro forced his people to worship him and to never litter and to not do drugs and to fornicate only on Saturday nights. Sinestro is all, "You don't understand what it's like when people misunderstand your intentions and want to punish you!" And Hal is all, "Boy howdy, do I! I intended to be an upstanding citizen who pretended to want to pay for my crimes but then they were all, 'You're really going to have to pay for your crimes,' and I was all, 'What the fuck?! How is that fair?!'"

Is Hal beginning to see how huge a douche he's been acting?!

Sinestro plans for them to run away so they don't have to face judgment. At least not until they think up a good excuse for why Korugar was turned into a planet of mindless drones terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing around Sinestro. Hal Jordan agrees but only because Hal Jordan doesn't know what the fuck to do in this situation. He's obviously being trained by a crazy person who maybe needs a little time to calm down.

Meanwhile on Earth, Guy Gardner and Willie have a chat in the prison infirmary. It's not much of a chat though because no matter how much I tried to make the name "Willie the Snitch" stick, it just keeps coming off. The little bastard won't tell Guy who stabbed him. Willie the Snitch isn't a snitch at all! How dare he make me look stupid by not becoming the character I imagined he was immediately?! My fucking reputation as a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader can't take too many hits like this!

The rest of the Green Lantern Corps, answering Hal's call, wind up on Korugar where they quickly realize that Sinestro has gone off the rails. The Guardians are alerted and they agree with the assessment. Sinestro must be brought in to answer for his crime of Extreme Orderliness. And to retrieve him, the Guardians unleash The Fists of the Guardians.

Who the fuck are these guys and why do they dress like Guy Gardner?

Emerald Dawn II #4 Rating: B. I'd forgotten that the Guardians have their own posse that isn't Manhunters or the Third Army or any of the other weird beings they manipulate to do all of their dirty work. Even after seeing these "Fists of the Guardian," I don't remember them at all. I do love that Guy Gardner uses the uniform of the Fists of the Guardian when he finally becomes a Green Lantern. He's such a bad ass! No stupid bullshit uniform for him! He wants the Body Hunter Waiter Big Boots uniform! It's so much classier than those other low detail uniforms the rest of those leotard loving jerkwads wear.