Emerald Dawn II #2 (May 1991)

In Sinestro's eyes, a beginner is somebody who doesn't paint the walls with his enemy's entrails.

Last issue we learned that human authorities abused their power by putting Hal Jordan in prison for 90 days when he confessed to the crime and should have been let off for doing the right thing. It's too bad Hal Jordan didn't remember the Mormon commercial about telling the truth, especially these lines: "You knew I'd be angry! Aren't you afraid? You'll have to pay for this mess you've made! But I'm proud of you, child, for you have displayed honor! The stuff from which heroes are made!" See, Hal? You did the right thing. You did the thing a hero would do. But you still have to pay for the mess you've made, you stupid fucking moron. Stop whining like a Goddamn baby. Stop pretending you're some kind of victim because the judge gave you a harsher sentence than you were expecting. When you commit a crime, you don't get to negotiate the terms of your punishment. I mean, I suppose you could have somewhat negotiated them but you didn't hire a lawyer who knows how to go about doing that.

We also learned last issue that Sinestro is a fascist who scares the shit out of everybody on his home planet. Sinestro has been sent to Earth to teach Hal Jordan how to be a good Green Lantern. My guess is that Hal Jordan will learn how to be a better Green Lantern, and a better hero, by listening to Sinestro. But mostly because Sinestro will be an example of how not to be a hero. Hal will realize that his prison sentence was something he earned through his own actions and not something being done to him by out-of-control bureaucrats wagging their fat dicks around. Sinestro will be all, "Why are you letting these powerless simpletons imprison you?!" And Hal will be all, "We must have apply limits to our own limitless power lest we become the monsters we fight!" And then Sinestro will kick him in the dick and the Guardians will kick him out of the Corps and he'll go make a yellow ring so he can buttfuck every other member of the Corps whenever he feels like it.

They can make constructs that aren't green? Those rings truly are all powerful!

Sinestro feels like Korugar is falling apart because he isn't their to control the behavior of every other person on the planet whom he sees as toddlers. But the real reason it's falling apart is because their fascist and monstrous space cop seems to have disappeared. Korugar will become a paradise with his disappearance. Then he'll return and see how joyous the people have become without him and he'll cry a lonely tear about how they've grown up and don't need him anymore and then he won't explode in violence and anger at all! Everybody is going to learn a lesson!

Hal believes he's being trained in how to utilize the ring but he quickly learns that Sinestro's lessons are more cerebral than that.

No wonder the Guardians constantly jizz in their robes over this assmunch.

Sinestro sounds like the antagonist in one of Lord British's follow-ups to Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar. Only sad pathetic '80s kids who went everywhere with an ankh in their pocket will understand that.

Today's "Lessons From Sinestro" will take place at a diplomatic meeting between the Khunds, the Citadel, and the Dominators. Violence probably won't interrupt from interfering with political negotiations between those three races known for how peaceful and rational they are.

See? They're getting along so nicely!

I guess the main problem here isn't that these three violent races are getting along so well. I mean, that is the problem! Just not for these three races. It's everybody else who will quickly have many, many problems due to this alliance with which Sinestro is concerned. Surprisingly, Sinestro doesn't interrupt the meeting dropping giant green bricks on everybody. He goes in calmly and rationally and orderly, like a proper gentleman.

Sinestro politely suggests that these three representatives of their peoples drop their plans for a rogue's alliance before the Green Lanterns have to get involved. He says it quite rationally but he also knows it's a threat and he super double knows that these jerks are going to react violently. It's everything Sinestro wants! He presents order but still gets to kick the teeth out of some aliens he considers to be barbarians and beneath him.

Is that Sinestro's lesson for Hal Jordan? "If you want to punch somebody in the face, step on their foot politely, deny having stepped on their foot, and suggest that if their foot every gets under your foot again, you will murder everybody they love." I've met jerks who seem to have learned that lesson from Sinestro and I usually respond by what I learned from Jesus. I turn the other cheek. Meaning I turn my back to them, ignore them completely, and continue to aggressively stand in front of them with my back facing them if they keep squawking. So far in my life, nobody has had the temerity to punch me in the back of the head. Cowards.

Sinestro continues to pursue a line of rational communication even while the trio get more and more aggressive. He makes it seem like he doesn't want to battle but I think that's just his tactic for training Hal Jordan. He wants Hal Jordan to get frustrated and explode into violence. Which is what happens, of course. It's such a classic Hal Jordan move that I was only surprised by how long it took him to start punching aliens in the puss.

Maybe I was wrong about Sinestro's motives. He really didn't want violence to erupt, did he?

I know Sinestro is a fascist who loves order more than freedom which is why I expected he also wanted to back up his fascism with violence. But I also forgot that his main weapon is fear. He wants to keep people in line so that violence doesn't ensue because violence is disorder. Violence is a failure of control. That's why Sinestro and Hal Jordan are such opposites. Hal Jordan thinks violence solves problems. Sinestro thinks violence is pure chaos and disorder. It's weird to think that the space cop who resorts to violence about 95% of the time is the heroic one in this pair.

While Hal's being trained, a criminal named Willie becomes his new roommate. He accidentally steps on Hal's fake head and falls to the floor while trying to climb into the top bunk. And if that wasn't clue enough that something fishy was going on with this prisoner, Green Lantern comes phasing through the wall while Willie's on the ground rubbing his aching head. So now some guy probably named Willie the Snitch knows Green Lantern's secret identity! At least for the minute or two before Hal Jordan decides that erasing somebody's memory isn't that major of an ethical line to cross.

Emerald Dawn II #2 Rating: B. The pitch behind this series was two-fold. First, how did Hal Jordan become a fully trained Green Lantern while in prison when Guy Gardner was right there doing great social work and not crippling his friends while driving drunk? Second, how hilarious would it be if Sinestro trained him? Third, how many times could Jones and Giffen hint at Hal Jordan being sexually assaulted throughout the series? Fourth, weren't there only supposed to be two folds? Fifth, what should I have for dinner tonight? Sixth, I wonder if any of my friends are online right now and want to play some Apex? Seventh, when will this stupid series of questions end? Wait a second! I'm being informed that they've ended! Yay! But I'm also being informed this series still has four more issues! Boo!