I, Vampire #11

Why is that one zombie wearing a trucker's cap? Was one of the Van Helsings a hipster?

While Andrew Bennett and Mary fight what are apparently mummies and not zombies like I assumed last issue (I guess once they died, the magical amulets removed their organs, stuffed them with crocodile dung, and duct taped their outsides (you know, the traditional way of making mummies (what the fuck do I know?))), I think I'll take a moment to muse about the internet.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say "muse"? I meant muck! Muck about the internet. You didn't think I was actually going to formulate some kind of coherent thought about the internet, did you? Maybe something along the lines of how much time I just wasted zipping from link to link with little memory of the things I just experienced? That isn't exactly true this time I disappeared (which you wouldn't have even known about had I not made a big deal about it). I was just checking out some of the early pictures from Curiosity's landing. I listened to the landing last night on Coast to Coast while heading to work but that was pretty anti-climactic. Can't a fucking radio station change their breaks around a bit when they realize the confirmation of Curiosity's landing (I say "confirmation" due to the 14 minute delay between actual events and what we received) will take place while they're away during their regularly scheduled advertising? Fucking jerks.

I also scanned my Tumblr feed, of course. Lots of animated gifs and monster girls. I don't follow many Tumblr blogs but the ones I do follow, I try to keep varied. Lots of different viewpoints. I might start following more comic book blogs once I'm caught up on The New 52. I currently only have 15 left in the unread stack. Holy hell! Perhaps I should finish this Mummy/Vampire fight already so I can then read Superman and finally begin reading comics the week they came out!

So, let's see who was winning. I hope the Mummies at least kill Mary. I've grown bored with her since the extent of Andrew and Mary's relationship seems to be that they love each other but they have different ethical and moral viewpoints which keep them from experiencing happiness.

The Mummy/Vampire fight just continues on in the background of the comic book as Andrew yells at Van Helsing and Mary yells at Andrew and Van Helsing gloats and grabs his crotch. So surfing the internet was more interesting.

Meanwhile, Tig manages to cut through her bonds with the razor blade she uses to cut herself while weeping the bathtub (presumably). She hits the autopilot button on the plane and then unties Professor John. But the plane still "crashes". I put crashes in quotes because it actually makes a really good landing. But Tig and John survive only to notice a bomb in the back of the plane. Tig sees the bomb when it has one second left on the countdown and they she yells for John to run. And then the plane blows up.

I'm sure they're okay.

I would have shown at least 10 to 15 seconds on the bomb to have Tig and Professor John survive. Or (and this is actually a better idea) have them put on Anubis necklaces to survive. Now Andrew can run around with his Mummy Squad solving mysteries. Maybe that's too close to Frankenstein, Agent of Shade.

Andrew isn't very pleased with this news. He tells Van Helsing exactly how he feels.

As Mary looks on lovingly.

Tig and Professor John show up wielding swords. John stops Andrew from killing Van Helsing because he doesn't want Andrew to give in to his base vampire nature. He stops him by killing him himself. I guess everybody gets to be morally ambiguous when friends' lives are in danger.

And the reason why one of the zombies on the cover has a trucker cap is because one of the Van Helsing mummies heads into town for reinforcements. I guess these mummies have zombie biting powers which turn their victims into other mummies. You know, the way zombies usually always do and mummies never do. But I'll stick with Andrew's designation that they're mummies. Even if he started calling them zombies too. I just like mummies better.

Oh! And now he's correcting Tig even though Andrew just said that thing in that panel up above about "before you turn into a zombie."

Geez. Reading this comic book is like playing video games on an old Apple IIe with an amber display.

Some of the vampires bit the mummies and then were infected with the Van Helsing curse and became Vampire Hunters as well as Vampires. I suppose if one of them put on an amulet and was killed, then it would become a Vampire Mummy Vampire Hunter Zombie. But whatever combination of creature any of the people on the battlefield are, Andrew Bennett gives everyone the go ahead to kill anything that moves. Except, you know, each other. Bennett freezes the battlefield. Mary and Tig go about killing things and John collects amulets. Meanwhile, the Mummy that escaped into town to find reinforcements has done a pretty decent job.

Vampire Hunter Mummy Zombie Rednecks with Shotguns!

I, Vampire #11 Rating: No change. I'm slowly losing interest in this comic book. I blame the Justice League Dark crossover for fucking up the pacing and throwing the comic in a completely new direction.