E!TACT! #12
Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #4, Kick-Ass #1, Milk Wars, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
Black Lightning: Cold Dead Hands #4
By Isabella, Henry, Guichet, and Pantazis
Why does the United States of America have to suffer so much tragedy simply because the founders of this country made a mistake by including the 2nd Amendment? Are we not allowed to think of them as flawed human beings? Also, it's a fucking amendment. That word proves that the constitution is not an infallible God from on high teaching us how to live our lives! The document has been amended! It can be again! Some people are just too stupid to own guns.
Besides, have they not been living in the United States their entire lives? This is a country that bans everything in an effort to appease the friends and relatives of people who die in accidents! One person's daughter got a lawn dart in the throat? Ban those fuckers! Some kids might possibly choke on the toy inside a plastic egg covered in chocolate because they're obviously gluttonous little assholes who inhale sweets? Ban fucking Kinder Eggs! We ban toys that shoot tiny missiles that can get lodged down the throats of children that will probably die in some other stupid way anyway so now I don't own an awesome Boba Fett action figure from my childhood! How is that fair?! Although I did own the Shogun Warrior Gaiking who shot rockets from his nipples so I guess I didn't miss out that much. I bet it was Gaiking that caused the loss of rocket shooting Boba Fett. How many kids were pretending to suck on Gaiking's nipples when they accidentally triggered those rockets and died in the second most embarrassing way after autoerotic asphyxiation? (I don't need to be "actually'd" about Battlestar Galactica toys. Thanks!)
What I'm trying to say is that Portland now has stupid green bike areas at every stupid intersection where bikes can gather while preventing cars from turning right on a red (which is actually the safest time to turn right to avoid mowing down bicyclists) because lawmakers are constantly trying to prove that they're doing something to prevent sadness and tragedy. Except, of course, when it comes to guns. I suppose if the people who want to turn right on red lights had a huge lobby with loads of money, we'd have fewer green streets in Portland. Politicians only seem to care about issues when the issue either provides them with a lot of money by choosing the side which has the money behind it or will get them a lot of press and adulation for creating a law that wouldn't have even have saved the dead person who caused their family to lobby for change.
None of that has anything to do with Black Lightning. It's also just three paragraphs of probably incoherent ranting that almost certainly could be made into an intelligent essay if I were intelligent. Instead, I'm now going to hop on eBay and see if I can find a replacement for my childhood Gaiking toy. Maybe I'll replace Rodan while I'm at it!
Actually I just read the comic book and all of that had a lot to do with Black Lightning since it's all about Tobias Whale trying to ramp up people's fears to sell his alien technology weapons. I wonder what 2nd Amendment loving conspiracy nuts would think of this story. Why do they think the best argument to use is that people want to get rid of guns for profit and power when it is so obviously the other way around? I mean, I know the answer. Shitty dumb selfish evil people with power and influence know that accusing their opponents of all the terrible things they themselves do works because most people are idiots.
Here's the difference between most liberals and most conservatives. Liberals are liberal because of the things they believe. Conservatives believe the things they believe because they're conservative. When an argument is made, a person should weigh the rationality of the argument. They should not agree with a particular side simply because they think of themselves as belonging to that side. I suppose conservatives think they're the ones being logical and liberals only think what they think to continue some kind of liberal agenda. It's weird that that "liberal agenda" tends toward things like peace and love and health insurance for everybody and less poverty and burning effigies of Ayn Rand and being pro-masturbation and equality and fields full of kittens. I guess that's where the scads and scads of profit come in.
Black Lightning: Cold Dead Hands #4 Rating: Once again, I probably could have been smarter and less facetious and stream of conscious in my argument against the easily befuddled strawman caricature of a conservative but why? Intelligent people get what I'm saying! Nobody with an ounce of integrity thinks the world would truly be better with more Jesus and more guns. I can say what kinds of attributes they probably do have (other than integrity) but I hate metaphorically beating dead horses.
Kick-Ass #1
By Millar and Romita Jr.
Maybe I should start seeing a therapist because the majority of my comic book "reviews" begin with "Why the fuck am I even reading this?" I suppose the answer is a heady mix of curiosity and a collector's compulsion. If I were to see a therapist, I might learn that I also want to fuck my mother which would just screw me up more than the "I definitely don't want to fuck my mother" version of me that really wants to change the subject now.
Me buying comics: "Oh? What's this? A comic book with a name I recognize that I've purchased in the past? I must see how the story continues even though I can't remember anything about the previous comic book! Plus it will distract me from my mother fucking fantasies."
If Kick-Ass were really about what would happen if some kid decided to become a vigilante in the real world, it would just be a series of first issues where the protagonist dies in some horribly tragic but preventable way in just a few pages. Instead, Millar infuses Kick-Ass with a sense of reality by having Kick-Ass get his ass kicked constantly while never actually being shot in the face. At least I don't think he ever gets shot in the face. Maybe he did eventually get shot in the face since this appears to be a new Kick-Ass. In fact, seeing as how I haven't even read the issue yet, maybe it will be a whole series of copycat Kick-Asses who wind up getting murdered in their pursuit of justice and YouTube subscribers.
After just a few pages, I'm more impressed with Romita's art than I've been with his work at DC. It might simply be because this is the first issue and he's had a good amount of time to work on it. It will probably degrade as deadlines for later issues begin to compress. Thankfully, Millar will probably need some delays to get his scripts done giving Romita time to catch up. Although it's possible that even by the end of this issue, I'll start seeing Romita's rushed work which is quite similar to my "spent way too long trying to make it look passable" art style.
By Isabella, Henry, Guichet, and Pantazis
Why does the United States of America have to suffer so much tragedy simply because the founders of this country made a mistake by including the 2nd Amendment? Are we not allowed to think of them as flawed human beings? Also, it's a fucking amendment. That word proves that the constitution is not an infallible God from on high teaching us how to live our lives! The document has been amended! It can be again! Some people are just too stupid to own guns.
Besides, have they not been living in the United States their entire lives? This is a country that bans everything in an effort to appease the friends and relatives of people who die in accidents! One person's daughter got a lawn dart in the throat? Ban those fuckers! Some kids might possibly choke on the toy inside a plastic egg covered in chocolate because they're obviously gluttonous little assholes who inhale sweets? Ban fucking Kinder Eggs! We ban toys that shoot tiny missiles that can get lodged down the throats of children that will probably die in some other stupid way anyway so now I don't own an awesome Boba Fett action figure from my childhood! How is that fair?! Although I did own the Shogun Warrior Gaiking who shot rockets from his nipples so I guess I didn't miss out that much. I bet it was Gaiking that caused the loss of rocket shooting Boba Fett. How many kids were pretending to suck on Gaiking's nipples when they accidentally triggered those rockets and died in the second most embarrassing way after autoerotic asphyxiation? (I don't need to be "actually'd" about Battlestar Galactica toys. Thanks!)
What I'm trying to say is that Portland now has stupid green bike areas at every stupid intersection where bikes can gather while preventing cars from turning right on a red (which is actually the safest time to turn right to avoid mowing down bicyclists) because lawmakers are constantly trying to prove that they're doing something to prevent sadness and tragedy. Except, of course, when it comes to guns. I suppose if the people who want to turn right on red lights had a huge lobby with loads of money, we'd have fewer green streets in Portland. Politicians only seem to care about issues when the issue either provides them with a lot of money by choosing the side which has the money behind it or will get them a lot of press and adulation for creating a law that wouldn't have even have saved the dead person who caused their family to lobby for change.
None of that has anything to do with Black Lightning. It's also just three paragraphs of probably incoherent ranting that almost certainly could be made into an intelligent essay if I were intelligent. Instead, I'm now going to hop on eBay and see if I can find a replacement for my childhood Gaiking toy. Maybe I'll replace Rodan while I'm at it!
Actually I just read the comic book and all of that had a lot to do with Black Lightning since it's all about Tobias Whale trying to ramp up people's fears to sell his alien technology weapons. I wonder what 2nd Amendment loving conspiracy nuts would think of this story. Why do they think the best argument to use is that people want to get rid of guns for profit and power when it is so obviously the other way around? I mean, I know the answer. Shitty dumb selfish evil people with power and influence know that accusing their opponents of all the terrible things they themselves do works because most people are idiots.
Here's the difference between most liberals and most conservatives. Liberals are liberal because of the things they believe. Conservatives believe the things they believe because they're conservative. When an argument is made, a person should weigh the rationality of the argument. They should not agree with a particular side simply because they think of themselves as belonging to that side. I suppose conservatives think they're the ones being logical and liberals only think what they think to continue some kind of liberal agenda. It's weird that that "liberal agenda" tends toward things like peace and love and health insurance for everybody and less poverty and burning effigies of Ayn Rand and being pro-masturbation and equality and fields full of kittens. I guess that's where the scads and scads of profit come in.
Black Lightning: Cold Dead Hands #4 Rating: Once again, I probably could have been smarter and less facetious and stream of conscious in my argument against the easily befuddled strawman caricature of a conservative but why? Intelligent people get what I'm saying! Nobody with an ounce of integrity thinks the world would truly be better with more Jesus and more guns. I can say what kinds of attributes they probably do have (other than integrity) but I hate metaphorically beating dead horses.
Kick-Ass #1
By Millar and Romita Jr.
Maybe I should start seeing a therapist because the majority of my comic book "reviews" begin with "Why the fuck am I even reading this?" I suppose the answer is a heady mix of curiosity and a collector's compulsion. If I were to see a therapist, I might learn that I also want to fuck my mother which would just screw me up more than the "I definitely don't want to fuck my mother" version of me that really wants to change the subject now.
Me buying comics: "Oh? What's this? A comic book with a name I recognize that I've purchased in the past? I must see how the story continues even though I can't remember anything about the previous comic book! Plus it will distract me from my mother fucking fantasies."
If Kick-Ass were really about what would happen if some kid decided to become a vigilante in the real world, it would just be a series of first issues where the protagonist dies in some horribly tragic but preventable way in just a few pages. Instead, Millar infuses Kick-Ass with a sense of reality by having Kick-Ass get his ass kicked constantly while never actually being shot in the face. At least I don't think he ever gets shot in the face. Maybe he did eventually get shot in the face since this appears to be a new Kick-Ass. In fact, seeing as how I haven't even read the issue yet, maybe it will be a whole series of copycat Kick-Asses who wind up getting murdered in their pursuit of justice and YouTube subscribers.
After just a few pages, I'm more impressed with Romita's art than I've been with his work at DC. It might simply be because this is the first issue and he's had a good amount of time to work on it. It will probably degrade as deadlines for later issues begin to compress. Thankfully, Millar will probably need some delays to get his scripts done giving Romita time to catch up. Although it's possible that even by the end of this issue, I'll start seeing Romita's rushed work which is quite similar to my "spent way too long trying to make it look passable" art style.
It's at this point in any given narrative where I begin to dislike the protagonist.
I'm getting a bit tired of protagonists who only manage to survive because their enemies choose not to kill them when they have the chance. But the "good guys," at the first opportunity, begin slaughtering the guys who gave them a chance to live. The "bad guys" offer to let the "good guys" live if they do what they're told. If they're the bad guys, why not just instantly kill them? Maybe I'm being naïve but it seems they could have killed her immediately and still gotten whatever information they needed from Coop. Instead, the "bad guys" all get slaughtered for restraining themselves from violent action. The "good guys" never exercise that kind of restraint. Which is why these kinds of scenes really ruin my connection to the protagonists. The Walking Dead television series is a good example of this. Rick and company should have been dead dozens of times over because the "bad guys" rarely shoot first. They're always trying to do some namby-pamby negotiating of some kind and wind up dead because Rick knows that a dead motherfucker isn't a threat. I mean, literally they are because, um, you know, zombies. But they aren't as big a threat as when they were alive.
I guess that's why Carl had to die. So that Rick could regain his humanity and the audience can maybe stop wishing Negan was the protagonist of the show. Although I'd rather the show just continued to show Rick as the real monster, thus making audiences extremely uncomfortable as they realized they'd been rooting for the bad guy the entire show. Then the final episode of the series could just be three hours of Frank Darabont explaining how the series was a metaphor for American patriotism.
I'm pretty sure the writers on The Walking Dead expected viewers to be shocked and hurt by the revelation that Carl had been bitten in the stomach. But my reaction was, "Who cares?!" It's possible they realized that was the reaction of most viewers because Carl didn't really have much of a character arc. So they began the mid-season premiere with a music montage of Carl doing things so the viewer could gain some kind of empathetic bond with him.
The Walking Dead Producers: "Carl is a boring shit. How are we supposed to make people care about him?! Can we play 'Hallelujah' as we show past clips of him growing older? We can't afford that?! Well fuck. Find another song that can produce melancholy and heartache in the listener which they'll transfer to Carl as we show him doing kind and sad things! Maybe we can trick them into thinking they felt that way about him all along!"
Anyway, back to Kick-Ass, you'll be happy to know that the three Americans survived by slaughtering dozens of Afghans whom I'm certain were terrorists who all had a hand in the World Trade Center attack. They were living in a village where an American soldier was being held hostage so even if they weren't involved in terrorism, they weren't actively involved in helping get the American to safety. What monsters.
The new Kick-Ass's name is Patience. That's probably supposed to make the reader think.
Upon coming back from America's imperialist, vindictive bullshit war, Patience learns that her husband has left her for another woman.
I guess that's why Carl had to die. So that Rick could regain his humanity and the audience can maybe stop wishing Negan was the protagonist of the show. Although I'd rather the show just continued to show Rick as the real monster, thus making audiences extremely uncomfortable as they realized they'd been rooting for the bad guy the entire show. Then the final episode of the series could just be three hours of Frank Darabont explaining how the series was a metaphor for American patriotism.
I'm pretty sure the writers on The Walking Dead expected viewers to be shocked and hurt by the revelation that Carl had been bitten in the stomach. But my reaction was, "Who cares?!" It's possible they realized that was the reaction of most viewers because Carl didn't really have much of a character arc. So they began the mid-season premiere with a music montage of Carl doing things so the viewer could gain some kind of empathetic bond with him.
The Walking Dead Producers: "Carl is a boring shit. How are we supposed to make people care about him?! Can we play 'Hallelujah' as we show past clips of him growing older? We can't afford that?! Well fuck. Find another song that can produce melancholy and heartache in the listener which they'll transfer to Carl as we show him doing kind and sad things! Maybe we can trick them into thinking they felt that way about him all along!"
Anyway, back to Kick-Ass, you'll be happy to know that the three Americans survived by slaughtering dozens of Afghans whom I'm certain were terrorists who all had a hand in the World Trade Center attack. They were living in a village where an American soldier was being held hostage so even if they weren't involved in terrorism, they weren't actively involved in helping get the American to safety. What monsters.
The new Kick-Ass's name is Patience. That's probably supposed to make the reader think.
Upon coming back from America's imperialist, vindictive bullshit war, Patience learns that her husband has left her for another woman.
So he's Hitler in his own analogy?
Millar makes an attempt at political commentary by theorizing that Trump became president because some states were mocked as flyover states, specifically New Mexico. After studying geography, he might need to come up with a better argument. And I don't mean his argument about those "flyover states" being ignored by the government since it's those states in particular which gain the most benefit from taxes.
Patience decides to become the Robin Hood of Albuquerque by dressing up as Kick-Ass and stealing money from gang members. She'll donate some and pay for her kids to go to college with the rest. I don't see why drug dealers should have to pay for her lifestyle! First she makes a living on taxpayer money and now she expects drug dealers to pay her way? What a fucking parasite.
Oh, and for the history books (you know the future ones where Grunion Guy is proclaimed a god): Romita's art goes steeply downhill as the issue goes along. He finally got tired of drawing actual guns and decided the drug dealers should have weapons from the Halo franchise.
Kick-Ass #1 Rating: It's much better than I made it sound. Not "Shakespeare much better" unless you thought Shakespeare was a hack who thought up premises for stories that he immediately abandoned. Premises like "What would happen if a teenager became a hero in the real world?" abandoned for "What would happen if a teenager in a comic book thought he was in the real world and became a comic book superhero and everything worked out how you would expect it to work out in a comic book but with a few more bruises and lacerations?" At least this Kick-Ass has military training. But then, that's the twist! The bad guys in this book think, "Oh! Look! Some kid in the real world pretending to be a hero! We'll destroy this person!" And then they're all, "Ow! She poked me in the eye with a military move! We can't fight against American military training! We can't even pull the trigger on our guns before she pokes six guys in the eye! This is not like a comic book at all!"
Milk Wars
By lots of people
I enjoyed one-half of this Young Animal/DC Comics crossover. The other half of this crossover was a dud hardly worth reading. Somebody thought up the idea that milk is homogenized and so are mainstream comics. That thought was then expanded into a five issue series that doesn't say a whole lot more than that. Okay, that's not completely true. It's the commentary on the retconning of characters that makes three of the five issues entertaining. The first issue was decent because it was the introduction of the idea. After that, the Cave Carson/Swamp Thing issue was the only one of the three middle chapters that was necessary for the plot (as well as being the only interesting middle chapter). At the end of every issue is a two page comic about the history of "Eternity Girl" and ALPHA 13. The only reason to have purchased the Mother Panic and Shade the Changing Girl issues was pretty much for the way this story ties in to the main story. Also good is this moment where it boldly proclaims, "Here's a more interesting way to say what the rest of this series doesn't quite know how to say."
Patience decides to become the Robin Hood of Albuquerque by dressing up as Kick-Ass and stealing money from gang members. She'll donate some and pay for her kids to go to college with the rest. I don't see why drug dealers should have to pay for her lifestyle! First she makes a living on taxpayer money and now she expects drug dealers to pay her way? What a fucking parasite.
Oh, and for the history books (you know the future ones where Grunion Guy is proclaimed a god): Romita's art goes steeply downhill as the issue goes along. He finally got tired of drawing actual guns and decided the drug dealers should have weapons from the Halo franchise.
Kick-Ass #1 Rating: It's much better than I made it sound. Not "Shakespeare much better" unless you thought Shakespeare was a hack who thought up premises for stories that he immediately abandoned. Premises like "What would happen if a teenager became a hero in the real world?" abandoned for "What would happen if a teenager in a comic book thought he was in the real world and became a comic book superhero and everything worked out how you would expect it to work out in a comic book but with a few more bruises and lacerations?" At least this Kick-Ass has military training. But then, that's the twist! The bad guys in this book think, "Oh! Look! Some kid in the real world pretending to be a hero! We'll destroy this person!" And then they're all, "Ow! She poked me in the eye with a military move! We can't fight against American military training! We can't even pull the trigger on our guns before she pokes six guys in the eye! This is not like a comic book at all!"
Milk Wars
By lots of people
I enjoyed one-half of this Young Animal/DC Comics crossover. The other half of this crossover was a dud hardly worth reading. Somebody thought up the idea that milk is homogenized and so are mainstream comics. That thought was then expanded into a five issue series that doesn't say a whole lot more than that. Okay, that's not completely true. It's the commentary on the retconning of characters that makes three of the five issues entertaining. The first issue was decent because it was the introduction of the idea. After that, the Cave Carson/Swamp Thing issue was the only one of the three middle chapters that was necessary for the plot (as well as being the only interesting middle chapter). At the end of every issue is a two page comic about the history of "Eternity Girl" and ALPHA 13. The only reason to have purchased the Mother Panic and Shade the Changing Girl issues was pretty much for the way this story ties in to the main story. Also good is this moment where it boldly proclaims, "Here's a more interesting way to say what the rest of this series doesn't quite know how to say."
I think it might also answer my question about why I keep buying and reading this shit.
Possibly my favorite part was presenting Rita Farr as a comic book Christ figure, dying for perceived effect in comic book continuity only to have a number of half-hearted second comings that never really took. Until now, I guess.
The final issue brings me this image that I probably would have loved to see as a poster and had hanging on my bedroom wall until I was thirty-six.
The final issue brings me this image that I probably would have loved to see as a poster and had hanging on my bedroom wall until I was thirty-six.
Could I have used a funnier age than thirty-six? Perhaps thirty-three?
Lord Manga Khan and Mister Nebula also make an appearance. Only 80s kids will understand that!
Milk Wars Rating: Overall, a fun story that remembers it's a comic book and plays to those strengths. I believe it also brought the Doom Patrol back into the regular DC Universe while turning Robotman into Old Man Man and bringing back Rita Farr. The other Young Animal characters wind up in new realities which will be the basis of their next books. Plus Eternity Girl managed to sneak her way out of comic book's comic books and into comic books themselves. So that'll be a new brand that all the kids can get behind and throw their lawn mowing and baby sitting money at.
Letters to Me!
First up, KB! As usual! And probably last up too.
KB writes: Aaaand we're back in the junk folder!
Yeah, I think you nailed it with Deathstork: there were a bunch of last-minute editorial fixes as DC suddenly realized that killing people with sniper rifles is no longer cool. Can I applaud DC for doing the right thing for once without having to be shamed into it?
I predict that DC is going to have Deathstork return to being a killer soon -- just a killer who doesn't use guns. Maybe he'll start carrying Deathstorkarangs? Perhaps he'll make comments about how people who use guns are losers who couldn't seduce a teenage girl even if they tried.
I've been watching a ton of WILTY lately, and yes, you've got good taste. Lee Mack is a devious liar; when he has to sell a "true" story as a lie, he stalls VERY convincingly. I was especially surprised to learn that Lee Mack is a master of darts (hereafter to be known as "Leemackarangs").
My reply: I believe Deathstork retrieved his sword in the issue immediately following the issue where he declares he's killing people again. He also mentions something about his gun's bullets still being of the Ich Luger variety when he shoots New Super-man in the head. So it looks like DC has decided maybe guns shouldn't be solving problems in the DC Universe for awhile. And boy do I hope he makes that comment about losers seducing teenage girls!
If you like WILTY, I also recommend 8 Out of 10 Cats and 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, if you haven't seen those. I believe we've spoken about QI which I still enjoy but do miss Stephen Fry interacting with Alan Davies on a regular basis.
Nobody writes: Oh. I guess that's it. I wish I would get more mail. I'm so lonely.
Milk Wars Rating: Overall, a fun story that remembers it's a comic book and plays to those strengths. I believe it also brought the Doom Patrol back into the regular DC Universe while turning Robotman into Old Man Man and bringing back Rita Farr. The other Young Animal characters wind up in new realities which will be the basis of their next books. Plus Eternity Girl managed to sneak her way out of comic book's comic books and into comic books themselves. So that'll be a new brand that all the kids can get behind and throw their lawn mowing and baby sitting money at.
Letters to Me!
First up, KB! As usual! And probably last up too.
KB writes: Aaaand we're back in the junk folder!
Yeah, I think you nailed it with Deathstork: there were a bunch of last-minute editorial fixes as DC suddenly realized that killing people with sniper rifles is no longer cool. Can I applaud DC for doing the right thing for once without having to be shamed into it?
I predict that DC is going to have Deathstork return to being a killer soon -- just a killer who doesn't use guns. Maybe he'll start carrying Deathstorkarangs? Perhaps he'll make comments about how people who use guns are losers who couldn't seduce a teenage girl even if they tried.
I've been watching a ton of WILTY lately, and yes, you've got good taste. Lee Mack is a devious liar; when he has to sell a "true" story as a lie, he stalls VERY convincingly. I was especially surprised to learn that Lee Mack is a master of darts (hereafter to be known as "Leemackarangs").
My reply: I believe Deathstork retrieved his sword in the issue immediately following the issue where he declares he's killing people again. He also mentions something about his gun's bullets still being of the Ich Luger variety when he shoots New Super-man in the head. So it looks like DC has decided maybe guns shouldn't be solving problems in the DC Universe for awhile. And boy do I hope he makes that comment about losers seducing teenage girls!
If you like WILTY, I also recommend 8 Out of 10 Cats and 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, if you haven't seen those. I believe we've spoken about QI which I still enjoy but do miss Stephen Fry interacting with Alan Davies on a regular basis.
Nobody writes: Oh. I guess that's it. I wish I would get more mail. I'm so lonely.
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