E!TACT! #10
Doomsday Clock #3, The Hellblazer #18, Suicide Squad #34, Action Comics #996, New Rules for Old Games: Chess Edition, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
Doomsday Cuck #3
By Johns, Frank, and Anderson
The only people who use the word "cuck" as an insult are themselves cucks. Nobody else fucking cares about how alpha or male they are. If you think you're insulting somebody by calling them a beta cuck, you are certainly a beta cuck yourself. Or, as in my case, you find the insult hilarious. It's like when somebody that I'm pretending exists and isn't an actual example of somebody I know screams at me, "You're no good in bed!" And then I respond, "YOU'RE no good in bed!" I don't think I'm being witty. I just find the retort hilarious.
Speaking of being witty, I hate when people say, "Brevity is the soul of wit." You know what else is the soul of wit? Coming up with your own opinions! Even Shakespeare didn't write that line! He just had Polonohomo use it! I've always like the follow up line: "And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes . . . ." It makes me think of one of those inflatable tube men outside of car dealerships.
Now I want to direct a production of Hamlet played by those inflatable people.
Do you remember the first time you read Hamlet in third grade and your mind was blown that the "to be or not to be" bit was about suicide? Did you also roll your eyes and yell, "Just get on with it already!"? Did you also have to stay after school writing fifty times on the blackboard, "Suicide should not be taken lightly. It is the most important decision a person can make"? No? I didn't either.
Who would you say the Doomsday Cuck is in this story? Is it Doctor Manhattan with the tiny blue wiener whose wife was fucked by a bird guy? Or is it Rorschach who inevitably proved to be as impotent as every other Watchcuck? It definitely wasn't Owlman because he got laid. Or was he impotent too? It could have been Ozymandias who blew his load thirty-five minutes early. Maybe they were all cucks. Except the Comedian. That guy got it!
Rating: It's only the third issue so it's hard to call this series game-changing or groundbreaking or some other hyperbolic equivalent that the reviewer knows will get them quoted in some DC ad space. It's interesting enough as far as a comic book goes but it doesn't feel like I'm reading anything like the original Watchmen. Maybe my cynicism has already damned this book in my eyes being that this entire project (along with Rebirth) exists because The New 52 failed as hard as it did.
Here's a review by Polygon's Susana Polo that made me laugh: "Thirty years ago, Watchmen held up a dark mirror to the idea of the superhero. In response, the genre has thrown itself into a multi-decade love affair with the gritty anti-hero. With Doomsday Clock, Johns appears to be using the DC Universe to hold up a mirror right back at Watchmen and, in doing so, maybe even defend the genre’s aspirational, optimistic core."
That might be a good review if it was in any way based in fact. Maybe if Johns, head of DC's Creative Whatever Department, had a proven and earnest track record of getting DC to pump out aspirational and optimistic superhero content, I'd buy into it. Maybe if every other DC comic wasn't about how the people of the world had suddenly turned on the superheroes out of fear and mistrust, maybe I'd buy into this hogshit. Perhaps if DC had approached Rebirth more as a chance to return optimism to the genre as opposed to using it as an opportunity to pin the failure of The New 52 on the fans by saying, "You thought Watchmen was so great but look where it led! It led to us fucking our continuity until the baby the continuity was holding in its womb was stillborn in a puddle of blood, gore, and jizz! That's on you, you stupid fans! Now we need to pretend we didn't want to do that by writing all of this nonsense about the way we actually wanted comic books to be! You idiots!"
I might be reading more into what's been happening at DC over the last six years than is really there. Although since half of my critical rants about The New 52 were that they weren't aspirational or optimistic, I'd have to say Susana Polo is an idiot.
Here's another shitty review by Mr. Isuckatreviews over at SuckmyReviewDick.com: "Where Johns exceeds Moore is in how much of a page-turner this issue is. Watchmen rewards slow and close readers of each panel, but never reaches a point where readers find themselves quickly devouring its issues."
So, Mister Pepose (if that is your real name although I suspect it actually is Isuckatreviews), you think the definition of a good comic book is how quickly a person can read the issue? I agree that I could devour Doomsday Cuck #1 in about five minutes. It's also possible I could devour Watchmen #1 in five minutes. The difference is that I'd probably get the same information out of Doomsday Cuck #1 no matter how quickly or slowly I read it. Yet you agree that if you slow down and read Moore's book closely (in other words, taking your time rather than devouring it), you would get much more out of it. I think I know which book exceeds which other book. You dumb piece of shit.
IGN's Jesse Suckmyballs says: "The goal is less to tell a shocking, groundbreaking story right out of the gate than to reassure fans that the franchise is in good hands."
That seems almost the opposite of what Mr. Isuckatreviews said. Here we have a critic describing the book as boring but doing the hard work of assuring rabid Watchmen fans that DC wasn't shitting on the franchise. I mean, DC is shitting on the franchise. But what should one expect? You can't continue the action of an excellently told story that was meant to have a definite ending in any other way except by pulling down your pants and unloading all over it. Why bother trying to reassure those fans? That's something a beta cuck would do. Just take out your fucking dick and fuck Watchmen in the face. I'd much prefer reading that! Go all out in your disrespect of the source material! As long as I can tell you're having fun sodomizing the franchise, I'd be completely into it!
ComicBook's Russ Burlingame just submits a crumpled up Kleenex full of his man goo. Gross.
The Hellblazer #18
By Kadrey, Fabbri, Marzan, and Strachan
This was the ending of an uninspired story that seemed to be written just to take the piss out of San Francisco. It ends with Constantine pulling the old "say one thing to make the wicked henchman doubt and then turn on his evil boss" trick. In superhero comics and terrible CW shows, that's usually saved for ruining the relationships of the good guys. A bad guy says one thing and somebody instantly throws away years of trust with another person as they turn on them. It's a great way to create instant drama if your audience is a bunch of immature teenagers who don't really like their friends as much as they pretend they do. But it's shitty writing to think somebody would trust a stranger over their close friend. Maybe I just don't understand how terrible most people are at being friends. That being said, I guess it's more believable in the context of a paid henchman turning on his villainous boss. Not less lazy. But more believable.
Rating: This entire story line has been boring enough to put this comic book on the chopping block. Constantine is now dead to me. Let's see Constantine bluff his way out of this one!
Suicide Squad #34
By Spurrier, Pasarin, Albert, and Blond
I can't say I miss Rob Williams' writing on this comic book but if anybody can make me almost miss it, it's Si Spurrier. In the past, I don't think I've given Si as much grief as I've given other writers. But that's because he seems to be a substitute writer. I don't think he was ever given any New 52 book to call his own; he just came in when some other writer was making a serious mess of their job. It's also possible I don't really remember anything about Si Spurrier and I've conflated him with some other pinch hitter. But that's okay because I'm not writing a history of comic books; I'm writing a memoir of my bitterness and hate.
Spurrier's big idea for his shot at a Suicide Squad story was to tell the story of a member of the Suicide Squad who wasn't an A-list villain whom the reader knows won't die. In other words, he's taken Ostrander's initial vision of the book and pretended it's the best invention since battery operated vibrators. Some people might say that USB-charged vibrators are a better invention but they really lose power way too quickly. Other people might have said the best invention was sliced bread but I didn't want to confuse any French readers. They think slicing bread means cutting it lengthwise and shoving in butter and cheese. Sure, it's delicious! But it's awfully difficult to carry it around for later consumption. And what kind of a pan exists that lets you grill cheese a baguette?! What a ridiculous loaf of bread that is. It's the pencil dick of breads.
Younger readers of the Suicide Squad forget that Deadshot and Captain Boomerang and Enchantress were the epitome of D-list heroes when the original Suicide Squad began. Ostrander made them unkillable by fleshing out their characters so that readers could identify with them and grow to embrace them as favorites. Whoever was in charge of rebooting the Suicide Squad during The New 52 must have forgotten that as well. They just looked at the roster and thought, "Deadshot. Captain Boomerang. Enchantress. I guess this is supposed to be a team of popular heroes! You know who is really popular and can never die? Harley Quinn! She'll be perfect for this team!" Admittedly, the New 52 squad did kill a few of the members, like Light and Yo-yo and the guy I can never remember who came back to life but then exploded later. But since then, nobody has died in this comic book. Rick Flag came back. Captain Boomerang came back. Deadshot came back. Reverse Flash came back (although not in this book).
But that's all going to change thanks to Si Spurrier! A nobody who can unlock doors magically is going to die! Si has named this story "The Chosen One" because as a writer of the Suicide Squad, you have to choose a character whom you can kill that won't get editorial all up in your business. Although it's less likely that an editor will get in your business now that Eddie Berganza is gone.
In the end, Juan, the no-named guy, saves the day by being a big nobody. But it isn't a surprise to anybody but himself because Amanda Waller planned the whole thing. You know how some character always plans the most ridiculous stuff and it happens because they might as well be writing the entire story? Well, Amanda does that for this story. Then after Juan is all happy that he lived, Amanda feeds him to Killer Croc. Because why not?
Rating: DC puts shit writers on books they know will sell anyway because DC hates their fans. The only book they try to cultivate with decent writing talent is Batman. Every other book with popular characters gets the shaft. Why waste talent on a book that idiotic fangenders will buy simply because their favorite characters are in it? At least Justice League of America has a decent writer on it even though Ann Nocenti could be writing it and I'd still buy it because Lobo.
Oh no. Now I desperately want a Lobo comic written by Ann Nocenti.
Action Comics #996
By Jurgens, Conrad, and Nunes
DC Comics should release two different versions of their comic books each month. One should be the standard, broad audience, stupid reader bullshit that is full of interior monologue Narration Boxes by the main character. The other one should be for grandmaster comic book readers like me that leaves out the Narration Boxes. Stop ruining good stories by writing to both people whose first comic book is the nine hundred and ninety-sixth comic book that I'm reading and people who are just idiots.
If you're one of those people reading a book where Lois Lane is hiding in the back of the plane while thinking, "My name is Lois Lane," and you don't see anything wrong with it, I'm sorry I called you stupid, dumby.
How can anybody read the first two pages of this issue and not realize that it's much better without the Narration Boxes?! The two pilots speaking tell all the story you need to know (if you've read the previous issues, at least. And let's face facts about the whole "every comic book is somebody's first." If somebody's first comic book is the fourth part of a story, they deserve to be confused). Lois silently bailing out of the plane as it flies low over the treetops makes for a more dramatic moment than Lois explaining the reasons behind her actions to nobody in particular.
Rating: Am I really only reading this to get to Issue #1000 which will cost me thirty dollars so I can read a bunch of shitty Superman stories by writers whom I've probably written thousands of words of insults about? I am the dumbest human being alive.
New Rules for Old Games: Chess Edition!
Time to take Chess to the next level!
When was the last time Chess has been improved? I mean real Chess and not "play it on a computer" chess! Because then I'd have to admit that Archon was a pretty good idea. Some people might be thinking, "Grunion Guy, there's a reason Chess's rules haven't been fiddled with for however long Chess has been around. I would probably know if I were a smarter imaginary reader. But since nobody smart is probably reading this, why would Grunion Guy imagine somebody smarter than the actual reader when he pretends to know what the reader might be thinking? He'd lose readers doing that because they'd be confused!" That's a good argument, imaginary and not very smart reader! Chess might be the perfect game for some people. But for other people (like my readers!), it's boring and complicated. Well, no more! I have invented a bunch of variants that really improve the flow and excitement of the game. No more arguments over the real name of the horsey or the castle or the child diddler! With these variants, you'll hardly need to remember anything!
All Castles Variant
In this chess variant, replace all the pieces except the kings with Castles (or Rooks, as the fancy pants liberal elites call them). Now all you have to remember is how to move two pieces! And the King is easy to remember because he's an old, slow white dude with severe memory problems and probably a lifelong battle with impotence.
In this variant, every time you move a rook, you have to say, "Swoooooosh!" And then if you crash into another rook, you should probably yell, "Kerbam!"
All Bishops Variant
In this variant, replace all the pieces with bishops except for the kings. Replace the kings with a pawn from the other player. Pawns move and attack as normal except backwards. They cannot be captured although they can be blocked. The winner is the player whose pawn manages to get back to their side of the board and call social services and possibly the New York Times for a juicy exclusive.
All Horses Variant
You probably think you already thought up this variant after reading my other two variants but that's only because the other two variants put you in the right frame of mind to come up with this variant. Plus, your variant is probably something like "Replace all the pieces with the little horseys!" But that isn't this variant at all.
In this variant, replace all the black pieces with horses. Replace all the white pieces with pawns. The horses attack as normal and trample a pawn to death when it lands on one. But the pawns must gang up to subdue the horses. You must have at least two pawns in one of the eight squares around a horse for a third pawn to successfully capture the horse in the standard pawn attack.
I haven't figured out the winning conditions for this variant because it will probably always be black.
I haven't tested out any of these variants to see if they're actually feasible because you know how many extra Chess pieces you need? Like seven extra Chess Sets! I don't even own one!
Letters to Me!
Oh boy! More letters!
From the Offices of Doom Bunny:
Right after I finished reading [E!TACT #9], someone tweeted this: @JosephLumbard: Terrorism is the fight of the weak non-state actor that we condemn. War is the fight of the strong state actor that we celebrate.
My Reply: Thanks for the confirmation that other people think things that I've already thought but better and more long-windedly and with a few dick jokes thrown in! It's always nice to know somebody read something you wrote and their initial response is "Here's something better I read, dickface!" You're a jerko, Doom Bunny!
From KB's Throne Room:
KB writes: "Night Force" was another comic created by Marv Wolfman, starring Baron Winters and a cast of other paranormal types. I never read it because, by the time that came out, even I was getting a bit tired of Marv Wolfman. Anyway, Baron Winters' inclusion here sure smacks of a writer trying to push his favorite creations instead of using someone else's much better creations. He's by no means the worst offender as this goes, though; I think that award goes to Chris Claremont. No matter what comic he's working on, his old faves always show up. When Chris Claremont was writing "Fantastic Four" like 20 years ago, whom was he having them fight? Captain Britain's old enemies, the Technet. Because if there's one comic that is hurting for quality villains and needs to import more, it's "Fantastic Four".
My Reply: I remember Night Force being a comic but I don't remember if I ever read it. If I did, it wasn't because it was written by Marv Wolfman (I may not have even hated Wolfman's writing yet) but because it starred monsters.
KB: About that power outage, I find that most of these poorly written scenes could be papered over by a single line of dialogue; and the fact that it doesn't get papered over tells me that the editor isn't doing his or her job. I can forgive the writer for failing to see the flaws in what they wrote, much of the time; laying out a story is a different skill than poking holes in a story, and shifting from one mindset to the other is difficult. But an editor should catch when he or she has to play dumb to tolerate the story being told. In this case, the single line that fixes it should be: "A blackout??? That ... shouldn't even be possible!" There, we've just papered over the technical impossibility of the event AS WELL AS signaled that the forces at work are beyond the ken of mankind.
Me: DC Comics would be so much better if you were editing them. They might also be better if I wasn't reading them and nitpicking the shit out of mundane plot points!
KB: Over on the "Supergirl" show, when Superman showed up at the beginning of season two, it was revealed that Superman and J'onn were on not exactly friendly terms, and it turns out it was because J'onn and the DEO were stockpiling kryptonite. That SHOULD be grounds for a stupid fight about "why don't you trust me? I'm Superman!" and indeed that's how most of the CW shows would handle it. But "Supergirl", having been born under the all-seeing eye of CBS, is of better stock. So in "Supergirl", Superman accepted and understood the need to have a backup weapon in case he went rogue ... but what he couldn't accept was that it was putting Kara at risk too. It's still an illogical argument on Superman's part -- turns out Supergirl can beat Superman in a fight, fair and square, which makes HER the biggest threat -- but it is at least understandable that a good man would not want his loved ones jeopardized. I bring this up because that was the one line of dialogue that turned a shitty disagreement into a much better one.
Really, the universal shitty argument fixer is this Mad Lib: "I understand your point that _______, but _______." The other person gives you the first answer, now all you have to do is come up with a second answer. Almost anything will do, even a non-answer like "it's still hard for me to accept". Suddenly your argument is elevated to something that Charles Soule might find acceptable.
Me: You put a lot of thought into why things work or how to fix the things that don't which I'm trying not to take personally! But it's awfully hard not to see your responses as passive aggressive missives pointing out that I'm just a snotty brat complaining about most things and just burning down the rest! We get it! You're better than the rest of us! Especially Doom Bunny!
I bet growing up in Cleveland made you want to improve your surroundings, leading to a more optimistic and clear-headed world view. I grew up in Silicon Valley where I learned that just by existing in a specific place for twenty years, your property value can skyrocket to unheard of amounts! I think that taught me to be an apathetic monster just waiting for my mother to die so I can sell the house and blow the money on joint cream and stool softener. I wanted to blow the money on hookers and drugs but by the time my mom dies, I think I'll need that other stuff more.
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