E!TACT! #11
Detective Comics #973, Trixie Belden, Deathstork Annual #1, Detective Comics Annual #1, Swamp Thing Winter Special #1, Dark Nights: Metal #5, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
Detective Comics #973
By Tynion IV, Merino, and Wright
I'm no detective but I've been looking into The Mystery of the Dumb American Populace and I'm ready to finger a culprit! Because the mystery was really boring and now I'm horny! Although fingering the culprit will probably just make me hornier. What I should have declared was that I'm ready to stick my genitalia into a well-lubed orifice of a culprit. After that, I should be ready to do some research on this mystery. Although from what I've learned while researching this mystery, it seems the people who claim they've done their own research are usually the dumbest people in the comment thread. What they mean by "I've studied this for years" or "I don't take anybody's word for it and investigate on my own" is that they listen to conspiracy YouTube channels while distrusting any source that concludes things they aren't willing to believe. Usually the third thing out of the mouths of the "I've studied and researched and investigated" people is "Snopes is bullshit." Mostly because Snopes often disproves the things they want to believe and Snopes actually lists all of its sources. That makes it different from the conspiracy YouTube channel that these people rely on where you'll only hear the word "source" if somebody misspeaks while talking about a horse.
Currently one of the worst sources for the Dumb American Populace is Wikileaks. This is because it feeds their conspiracy-laden fever dreams with all manner of confirmation bias. Remember when Wikileaks was trying to destabilize America by reaching out to the leftists and liberals? Remember when they released all that war footage showing the American military killing civilians and news people and other maddening crap? That wasn't about making the American populace more aware of the atrocities the American military commits while "protecting freedom." It was more about dividing this nation. But what Wikileaks learned was that while they could enrage the left with actual horrendous footage, that was about as far as they could take that campaign. People on the left were just, in general, more skeptical and less willing to buy into flagrant propaganda and conspiratorial innuendo. Unless it was about aliens or Bigfoot, I mean. But they soon found fertile ground in the right's ability to believe anything at all. Especially the bigots already worked up into a frothing madness by Fox News's constant character assassination of President Obama. So now dumb people were becoming even dumber as everything they've always felt in their stupid guts was being confirmed by online sources.
Not that Wikileaks is the only place where the real fake news originated (before Donald Trump, seizing upon the only argument anybody on the right ever seems to seize upon: blame other people for that thing which you have done or are doing). The Russians also saw an opportunity to destabilize the United States by the power of dumb people. Using a tactic deployed with great success in Mexican elections, they began to use social media to lie to and enrage as many idiots as they could. And this didn't just affect conservative idiots. They also realized they could split the democratic party by enraging a bunch of misogynist nerds into hate fucking Hillary supporters all over the Internet. I think I used "hate fucking" incorrectly but I don't care and I don't have an editor. So go hate fuck yourself. Um, so, they targeted Bernie Sanders' supporters, making sure those idiots helped elect Trump by getting them so angry about never having put their penis inside of a vagina that they would never vote for Clinton.
It's pretty easy to see how dumb people have allowed themselves to grow even dumber in their stupid confidence thanks to online propaganda. I wish it were possible to identify those people who voted for Hillary Clinton so that I could tell the difference between those who were responsible adults who knew the best thing that could happen for the United States and those who were complete and utter dopes. Just to be clear, the dopes were those who didn't vote for Clinton. Nice try turning my words back on me, you dumb-dumb failed comedians who think you're witty but are just angry at your own failures and lack of charisma! That would be conservatives! I hate having to explain myself every other line. I probably won't have to after this newsletter because all of my dumb-dumb conservative readers just clutched their pearls and unsubscribed.
Obviously these are just my opinions and not the official policy of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! Official policy would need actual research and as I pointed out earlier, I don't do research. Research is for morons! Except in cases where it isn't, like in the pursuit of actual knowledge. And by actual knowledge, I don't mean "What happened to Building 7?"
It's weird that I began that line of reasoning with "I'm no detective." I completely forgot that I totally am a detective, having taken the "Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course." It's possible I never quite finished the course but I think I finished enough to find my way around a mystery involving a seemingly haunted house or the disappearance of some kid's piggy bank.
By Tynion IV, Merino, and Wright
I'm no detective but I've been looking into The Mystery of the Dumb American Populace and I'm ready to finger a culprit! Because the mystery was really boring and now I'm horny! Although fingering the culprit will probably just make me hornier. What I should have declared was that I'm ready to stick my genitalia into a well-lubed orifice of a culprit. After that, I should be ready to do some research on this mystery. Although from what I've learned while researching this mystery, it seems the people who claim they've done their own research are usually the dumbest people in the comment thread. What they mean by "I've studied this for years" or "I don't take anybody's word for it and investigate on my own" is that they listen to conspiracy YouTube channels while distrusting any source that concludes things they aren't willing to believe. Usually the third thing out of the mouths of the "I've studied and researched and investigated" people is "Snopes is bullshit." Mostly because Snopes often disproves the things they want to believe and Snopes actually lists all of its sources. That makes it different from the conspiracy YouTube channel that these people rely on where you'll only hear the word "source" if somebody misspeaks while talking about a horse.
Currently one of the worst sources for the Dumb American Populace is Wikileaks. This is because it feeds their conspiracy-laden fever dreams with all manner of confirmation bias. Remember when Wikileaks was trying to destabilize America by reaching out to the leftists and liberals? Remember when they released all that war footage showing the American military killing civilians and news people and other maddening crap? That wasn't about making the American populace more aware of the atrocities the American military commits while "protecting freedom." It was more about dividing this nation. But what Wikileaks learned was that while they could enrage the left with actual horrendous footage, that was about as far as they could take that campaign. People on the left were just, in general, more skeptical and less willing to buy into flagrant propaganda and conspiratorial innuendo. Unless it was about aliens or Bigfoot, I mean. But they soon found fertile ground in the right's ability to believe anything at all. Especially the bigots already worked up into a frothing madness by Fox News's constant character assassination of President Obama. So now dumb people were becoming even dumber as everything they've always felt in their stupid guts was being confirmed by online sources.
Not that Wikileaks is the only place where the real fake news originated (before Donald Trump, seizing upon the only argument anybody on the right ever seems to seize upon: blame other people for that thing which you have done or are doing). The Russians also saw an opportunity to destabilize the United States by the power of dumb people. Using a tactic deployed with great success in Mexican elections, they began to use social media to lie to and enrage as many idiots as they could. And this didn't just affect conservative idiots. They also realized they could split the democratic party by enraging a bunch of misogynist nerds into hate fucking Hillary supporters all over the Internet. I think I used "hate fucking" incorrectly but I don't care and I don't have an editor. So go hate fuck yourself. Um, so, they targeted Bernie Sanders' supporters, making sure those idiots helped elect Trump by getting them so angry about never having put their penis inside of a vagina that they would never vote for Clinton.
It's pretty easy to see how dumb people have allowed themselves to grow even dumber in their stupid confidence thanks to online propaganda. I wish it were possible to identify those people who voted for Hillary Clinton so that I could tell the difference between those who were responsible adults who knew the best thing that could happen for the United States and those who were complete and utter dopes. Just to be clear, the dopes were those who didn't vote for Clinton. Nice try turning my words back on me, you dumb-dumb failed comedians who think you're witty but are just angry at your own failures and lack of charisma! That would be conservatives! I hate having to explain myself every other line. I probably won't have to after this newsletter because all of my dumb-dumb conservative readers just clutched their pearls and unsubscribed.
Obviously these are just my opinions and not the official policy of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! Official policy would need actual research and as I pointed out earlier, I don't do research. Research is for morons! Except in cases where it isn't, like in the pursuit of actual knowledge. And by actual knowledge, I don't mean "What happened to Building 7?"
It's weird that I began that line of reasoning with "I'm no detective." I completely forgot that I totally am a detective, having taken the "Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course." It's possible I never quite finished the course but I think I finished enough to find my way around a mystery involving a seemingly haunted house or the disappearance of some kid's piggy bank.
This is what happens in this issue. Clayface is shot in the head by Batwoman while Cassandra's eyes melt out of her head.
Rating: This is it! This is the event that turns Tim into an interesting character! At least that's what the last few Detective Comics stories have been warning us about. Batwoman would do something drastic that would make Tim become Batman with a gun. But we all know what he'll really become, right? RIGHT?! Good children. Yes, that's exactly right. A vampire that eventually comes back from the future as the child molester Harvest!
Trixie Belden's So You Want to be the World's Greatest Detective Home Course Lesson #5
Before we get on with the next lesson, let's take a quick walk down memory lane by rereading Lesson #5:
Deathstork Annual #1
By Priest, Cowan, Sienkiewicz, and Cox
I wasn't sure I was going to comment on this one because it's an annual and, really, I'm just trying to get some of these comic books out of the stack. But then speaking of stacks, I really wanted to scan this picture:
Trixie Belden's So You Want to be the World's Greatest Detective Home Course Lesson #5
Before we get on with the next lesson, let's take a quick walk down memory lane by rereading Lesson #5:
I've been falling behind on my Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course classes, so I should probably do one of those now since I have no pressing political or social issues to talk about. I think we've solved them all! Let's all go outside and hug someone to show that we've done it! We've fixed the world! Now nobody ever has to append some comment with "It's 2015 for fuck's sake!" Now everybody can say, "It's 2015 and everything is cool!" I bet people have been saying "It's [whatever year it is] for darn tootin's sake!" for centuries! "How are doctors still getting the four humours confused? It's 1822 for fuck's sake!"Wow! That was way better than I remembered! What a sexy story. It's so sexy that maybe I'm a bit sleepy now. I guess I'll save Lesson #6 for the next newsletter. And maybe I'll make it interactive so that everybody has a chance to figure out the answer!
I was also joking about going outside and hugging somebody. We haven't actually fixed every social ill so if you try that, you might get shot in the face.
Time to take Course #5! It's a mystery story called "The Guest" and it's copyright Trixie Belden!
Trixie Belden had her arms full of lesbian pornography when she rang the doorbell of the Madame's House.Trixie probably suspected the guest was a bloodsucking vampire because his shirt was covered in blood and gore and because he lisped (although I forgot to write the lisp into his dialogue) and he was steaming from the sunlight coming in the windows. None of the things I mentioned were also mentioned in the story though so I don't know how Trixie figured out the guy was a vampire. I think I finally failed a class! I'd better read the answer!
"Well, hi!" said Honey Wheeler, Trixie's teenaged lover, who opened the door. She took the pornography from Trixie's arms and casually slid the back of her hand across Trixie's breasts as she did so. The way Trixie's nipple instantly grew hard against her skin made Honey's labia swell. "What's up? You look like a traveling library."
"I had to do a paper about the European history of same sex pornography, and Jim loaned these to me," Trixie said as she wiped her hands diligently on the front of her skirt. "Is the pervert home? I promised I'd return them when I finished."
Before Honey could kiss Trixie open mouthed, a slim dark-haired man came down the stairs. He paused when Honey turned toward him, blushing.
"Trixie, this is our guest, Mr. Ivannascrewu," Honey said.
The man pulled his penis out of his pants. It was misshapen and semi-erect. Trixie grimaced, looked at Honey, and mouthed, "What the fuck?"
"Mr. Ivannascrewu met our friends, the Bronsons, in Paris," Honey explained to Trixie's satisfaction. She'd heard about Paris! Ooh la la! "They asked him to call my parents." Trixie looked confused and horny because Honey's statement didn't make sense and she was exuding a delicious, pre-intimate scent which Trixie was all too familiar with.
"And I am most happy to oblige," said the man about the call to the parents which still didn't seem to make any sense and Trixie was really hoping Honey would explain better. Or maybe Honey would just shove her tongue up Trixie's womanly font of sensual aromas and Trixie could just forget about this weirdness.
The man spoke again in a strong accent: "Mrs. Wheeler was so kind to ask me to stay here in this beautiful place. I travel much on business, and one gets tired of hotels. But brothels? Oh! Oh! My penis stiffens at the very thought!" I noticed, thought Trixie as she felt her breakfast working its way back up her gullet.
"The Madame's House is beautiful," Trixie agreed. "Is your home in Paris?" Trixie wasn't even aware that she'd pulled out her pad and pencil and was taking notes. Always the consummate (and consummating!) detective!
"It is now, but it was not always so," Mr. Ivannascrewu told her. "I was born in Romania, in a village in the Carpathian Mountains."
"The Carpathians?" Trixie brightened up and Honey Wheeler realized she might as well put away her metaphorical dick. She knew when Trixie's mind had gone from clit tickling to full blown detectivating! "Isn't Dracula's castle in the Carpathians?"
"Dracula?" For an instant, the guest looked around for a place to flee. Then he laughed. "Ah, yes. The vampire count that is totally not me that some so-clever person totally made up because he isn't real and isn't here or anything so silly. His penis was totally straight, did you know that? I think I may have possibly heard of this 'Draguler,' was it? Sometimes in Europe, they still show the motion pictures in the theaters. But if you will excuse me, please? I am keeping Mr. and Mrs. Wheeler tied up. Ha ha. Figuratively, of course!"
Mr. Ivannascrewu put his penis away and went into the blowing room. A moment later, Trixie heard him fucking Honey's parents.
"Honey!" Trixie said in low, sexy tones. "I think your mother should telephone the Bronsons right away and ask how well they know that man's penis. I think he's a fake!"
Why did Trixie suspect Wheelers' guest?
Any true Romanian would know that Count Dracula was a real person who lived in the Carpathians centuries ago, and that he was not simply a character in a book and a motion picture.
Wait. What? That's how she figured out that this guy was a confidence man from New Jersey?! I guess what this course is teaching me is that I shouldn't base my suspicions on facts but on my own gut instincts after which I can make up facts to show how my gut instincts weren't just gut instincts but based in some kind of logical deduction of the facts presented. I think Trixie just got lucky this time! She probably, intuitively, realized his accent was completely bogus and he sounded more like some guy from the Jersey Shore than a real, honest-to-goodness vampire like he was pretending to not be! Even though I didn't solve this mystery, I think I learned an important lesson about fingering any old suspect for a crime no matter what the evidence shows. Sometimes you'll get lucky! And sometimes it won't matter because who cares if you caught the right person as long as the public thinks you did! I'm going to be a great detective in no time!
Deathstork Annual #1
By Priest, Cowan, Sienkiewicz, and Cox
I wasn't sure I was going to comment on this one because it's an annual and, really, I'm just trying to get some of these comic books out of the stack. But then speaking of stacks, I really wanted to scan this picture:
Does that segue work or should I have been talking about racks? I could have at least said something about my comics being stacked, I guess. Maybe I'm getting lazy.
I'm not a fan of women drawn with flat Barbie pudenda. Where's the lady bulge? That lady bulge is some sexy stuff. It's like, "Here's all the good junk!" I can't believe there wasn't more lady bulge on television in the seventies and eighties. Remember all the nipples through t-shirts? Those were some good years! If television promised to also show men in tight shorts so you could make out some details down there, can we go back to seeing more women nipples and lady bulges? HBO got it right by making sure women get to see some schlong during their shows even though the shlong to titty ratio is still pretty out of whack. The penis to vagina ratio doesn't quite even out either. Although that might be more fair because when you see vagina, you're really just seeing the merkin pasted over all the good bits. Maybe that's just to compensate for never seeing an erect penis. Although that slave with the huge penis in Rome had to be pretty erect, right? It was just weighed down by all the jewelry and penis-cuffs so that it wasn't pointing straight in the air doing the Joey.
Speaking of Joey, I should reintroduce my Friends reviews! Those were fun. I mean, the writing them was fun. The watching each show was painful. Of course, the pain is what really spoke to me. It really shines through in the reviews.
For some reason that I haven't been able to parse, Deathstork decided to stop killing. I think it happened during that truly terrible time travel crossover with the Titans. He realized love wins or something equally stupid. Tony S. Daniel's recent version of Deathstork was terrible but at least he had a running count of kills in the near quadruple digits. For the life of me, I can't see the point in a Deathstork that has decided killing is wrong. What are Priest and editorial thinking? Does this make him more Teen Rated? Did somebody at DC suddenly decide violence was too terrible for a main character? That perhaps it shouldn't be glorified even in a series where the main character is the best mercenary for hire in the DC Universe? I mean, it can't be that, can it?
Speaking of Joey, I should reintroduce my Friends reviews! Those were fun. I mean, the writing them was fun. The watching each show was painful. Of course, the pain is what really spoke to me. It really shines through in the reviews.
For some reason that I haven't been able to parse, Deathstork decided to stop killing. I think it happened during that truly terrible time travel crossover with the Titans. He realized love wins or something equally stupid. Tony S. Daniel's recent version of Deathstork was terrible but at least he had a running count of kills in the near quadruple digits. For the life of me, I can't see the point in a Deathstork that has decided killing is wrong. What are Priest and editorial thinking? Does this make him more Teen Rated? Did somebody at DC suddenly decide violence was too terrible for a main character? That perhaps it shouldn't be glorified even in a series where the main character is the best mercenary for hire in the DC Universe? I mean, it can't be that, can it?
Especially when they've decided that this is still canon. But, then again, I guess he quit statutory raping as well.
This reeks of editorial interference. Remember when Red Hood stopped killing because . . . well, I don't really know why DC made that decision either. Fully seventy-five percent of his character was that he killed to make the world a better place because Batman was a total pussy. What the hell was he when he stopped killing? Just another Bat-kid? Except one that used a gun. Poorly, by the way. Why even bother to use a gun when you're not going to kill the target? At least Slade is using "tranquilizer" ammunition with red gel packs that burst on impact in his gun so it looks like he's killing everybody. Which simply makes me think nobody reminded the artist that Deathstork has stopped killing so editorial had to alter the dialogue to remind readers that nobody died. "Oh, um, yeah. About that guy's head exploding in the previous panel. Deathstork used, um, Ich Luger bullets! They're like tranquilizers. Only they break the surface of the skin, enough to cause a little blood but no real damage." Then the reader was all, "Oh! Okay. Cool! I get it. Now I can enjoy my mineral water without worry!"
Earlier in the issue, Bolt was shot in the chest by a sniper and blood splattered out the back of him. He reappears saying, "My teleportation armor is bullet resistant, Slade." Is that all the evidence I need to prove my altered dialogue theory from the previous paragraph? Now I'm picturing myself in court slam dunking a basketball while the jury cheers. Later, they all give me oral sex during my closing argument because I'm so good at law. The defense attorney jumps up and screams, "Objection! The prosecutor is making a total farce of the justice system." But the judge has her hands down the front of her robe and she's all, "Um, mmm. Overruled. I'm going to allow whatever this is. Victory, I guess?" Then I come rainbows and end injustice across the globe.
It's too bad I hate lawyers because I could probably save the world. Also I can't slam dunk so I'd have to devise some other physical metaphor for how devastating my arguments can be. Maybe a yo-yo trick?
Earlier in the issue, Bolt was shot in the chest by a sniper and blood splattered out the back of him. He reappears saying, "My teleportation armor is bullet resistant, Slade." Is that all the evidence I need to prove my altered dialogue theory from the previous paragraph? Now I'm picturing myself in court slam dunking a basketball while the jury cheers. Later, they all give me oral sex during my closing argument because I'm so good at law. The defense attorney jumps up and screams, "Objection! The prosecutor is making a total farce of the justice system." But the judge has her hands down the front of her robe and she's all, "Um, mmm. Overruled. I'm going to allow whatever this is. Victory, I guess?" Then I come rainbows and end injustice across the globe.
It's too bad I hate lawyers because I could probably save the world. Also I can't slam dunk so I'd have to devise some other physical metaphor for how devastating my arguments can be. Maybe a yo-yo trick?
Of course Robin vetoed Skitters. She was a terrible concept. Scott Lobdell hit that reverse home run right into the park it was so bad. That burn made more sense when I workshopped it to a three year old this morning.
That was just a minor interlude at Teen Titans Headquarters where Beast Boy worries about people looking at his butt while in costume. Although he doesn't seem to worry about people looking at his butthole and his balls and everything else that swings about on display when he transforms into an elephant or a goat.
Back to Deathstork's story, we see he eventually falls back on the crutches of killing.
Back to Deathstork's story, we see he eventually falls back on the crutches of killing.
I think. I mean, that's exactly what the artist's rendition of a person being shot in the head with an Ich Luger bullet looked like earlier. It's a good thing AI Wintergreen was there to tell the reader this was an actual kill.
Later, Wally discovers Tanya killed herself. Why? Because she wasn't as Christian as she thought she was, I guess. She was all, "Deathstork killed my dog and lots of other people but I guess I'll work with him. But I won't have a homosexual fucking in my house. Although I'm going to try to fuck Wally in my house. I'm so confused. I guess as a Christian, suicide is forgivable, right? I guess I'll do that."
Mostly I think Power Girl kills herself because she wasn't as exciting as DC Comics hoped she would be. Also she refused to wear the Boob Window outfit. Fucking sacrilege, that is. Unless I mean blasphemy. How should I know? I'm an atheist.
Mostly I think Power Girl kills herself because she wasn't as exciting as DC Comics hoped she would be. Also she refused to wear the Boob Window outfit. Fucking sacrilege, that is. Unless I mean blasphemy. How should I know? I'm an atheist.
Slade loved the new Power Girl? Is that why he stopped killing? To prove to her he was good enough to have statutory rape with?
After those previous panels, Slade and Adeline punch each other in the face until they grief-fuck.
Rating: I guess Deathstork's Defiance program failed with the death of Power Girl (who didn't really die, by the way. She just became trapped in an interdimensional void with original Power Girl because Wally West fucked up her rescue attempt) which also means Deathstork will go back to killing? I hope he does because I still don't understand why he decided to stop. Not for story reasons or for overall editorial changes to the character. It doesn't make sense. Some editor was all, "We can't have Deathstork killing bad guys! It's not right! But we should remind readers that he once fucked a young girl in an attempt to murder a bunch of other kids. And also, can we have him punch his ex-wife until she gets sloppy wet for him? Awesome! Let's go, team!"
Detective Comics Annual #1
By Tynion IV, Barrows, Ferreira, and Lucas
Rating: As subtle as a ten inch dick down the back of your throat. Just so we're clear, that's not subtle at all. Right? I really wouldn't know from experience. I don't know anybody with a dick that big.
Swamp Thing Winter Special #1
By Wein, King, Fabok, Jones, Madsen, and Anderson
Rating: I guess Deathstork's Defiance program failed with the death of Power Girl (who didn't really die, by the way. She just became trapped in an interdimensional void with original Power Girl because Wally West fucked up her rescue attempt) which also means Deathstork will go back to killing? I hope he does because I still don't understand why he decided to stop. Not for story reasons or for overall editorial changes to the character. It doesn't make sense. Some editor was all, "We can't have Deathstork killing bad guys! It's not right! But we should remind readers that he once fucked a young girl in an attempt to murder a bunch of other kids. And also, can we have him punch his ex-wife until she gets sloppy wet for him? Awesome! Let's go, team!"
Detective Comics Annual #1
By Tynion IV, Barrows, Ferreira, and Lucas
Rating: As subtle as a ten inch dick down the back of your throat. Just so we're clear, that's not subtle at all. Right? I really wouldn't know from experience. I don't know anybody with a dick that big.
Swamp Thing Winter Special #1
By Wein, King, Fabok, Jones, Madsen, and Anderson
Why the square brackets? I'm going to assume Len Wein originally said "his dick" there. And now that Wein is dead, there's no way to know for sure. So I'm probably right.
Rating: This issue contains one story by Tom King and one story by Len Wein. Len died before completing the dialogue script so the story is left without words (although Len's original script appears in the book as well). The story works okay without dialogue or captions and would probably work just fine if Len had meant for it to be published sans dialogue. It's definitely better than most stories from DC writers that wind up overwritten. I'm not wishing for Neal Adams to die but I can't help thinking the final few issues of Deadman could be greatly improved by losing his final dialogue script.
Dark Nights: Metal #5
By those guys who are doing it. You know those guys.
Oh yeah. I did a full review of this on the old blog. It's here.
Letters to Me!
Upright writes: I AM OFFENDED.
A QUOTE THAT STARTS WITH "Where Johns exceeds Moore is in how much...” HAD BETTER END WITH “...he’s a shit writer.” OR THE PERSON BEING QUOTED IS A FOOL, A HALF PERSON.
Bah. Who was that guy? He’s probably an agent of ISIS.
My reply: Do you think ISIS is actually reviewing comic books now? If so, that probably means our culture has nearly destroyed them, right?! I bet if Marvel were to make a Ms. Marvel movie, we could totally sway them to our side. I wonder if Marvel would hire me to write it. I think I'd start out with Johnny Storm getting some flak for depicting Mohammed in flames. Ms. Marvel will be all, "That's not cool. I mean, I don't really care that much, being Americanized and shit. I even drank beer once! And I'm horny all the time. Which is probably something you can be in Islam just like in Christiantiy or Judaism. But you can't show that you're horny which is similar to Christianity and although you can show it in Judaism, you have to feel really guilty about it. I hope I'm not being insensitive to religion by talking about how stupid it all is!"
I should get an agent! I bet Marvel would pick up that pitch in a heartbeat!
KB writes: Speaking of detective comics, I was watching this clip from "Would I Lie to You?":
I grow convinced of the following:
1) Lee Mack missed his true calling as a police interrogator.
2) All police procedural shows should include a segment where a panel of sarcastic British comedians pick apart the suspects' stories in front of an audience.
3) David Mitchell would make a fantastic arch-nemesis for Detective Lee Mack.
My reply: Have we discussed "Would I Lie to You?" before? It's one of my favorite shows. This last season took so long to come out after they'd taped the series that I developed an anxiety disorder. Doom Bunny and Upright are probably thinking, "Oh? You developed that just this year, did you?" Or maybe Doom Bunny is just thinking, "I'm drunk!" And Upright is just thinking, "Doom Bunny's probably drunk!"
One of the things I love about British panel shows is how readily British comedians laugh at the wit and jokes of their peers. You can tell that David Mitchell enjoys Lee Mack as much as anybody in the audience. They're such a great team.
I also can't get enough of Rob Brydon and Lee Mack doing their imitations of David Mitchell. What a great fucking show.
KB: Credit where it is very much due: if I come up with workable one-line solutions to problems in comics, it's because you spot the problems. I often get in the habit of playing dumb to tolerate substandard writing, which is to say, I am slowly being sucked down into the abyss. Hell, I'm even on record as once having enjoyed Lobdell's writing, but of course that was X-Men in the early 90s and there was no rhyme or reason to any of that.
Turns out I do like chess, and have found the ChessEdge channel on YouTube is tremendously helpful. Dude came up with a pretty good distillation of good chess tactics, or at least the types of moves to look for. (No, it's not attempting to reduce chess to a formula, any more than learning the bebop scale means you're playing bebop by formula.) I will not claim that chess is the greatest game ever or anything like that, but there is artistry, and that artistry comes from combining the abilities of various pieces to achieve results nobody saw coming.
About Geoff Johns and the failings of the nu52 ... I don't mind the original concept that, when superheroes first came out, they were treated with distrust and were considered criminals. I don't mind it because it's a starting place. But if you start there, very quickly you need to show the heroes building relationships with public officials, gaining the public trust, and so on. I wouldn't be surprised if Johns planned for that to happen; certainly it happened in Batman's "Zero Year", to great effect. But elsewhere (mostly Superman) ... ? Well when you've got Eddie Berganza as a group editor, don't expect characters operating through trust and responsibility rather than power and intimidation. Thus, Superman got turned into Wolverine: lost his powers, hated and feared by the masses, riding around on a motorcycle, punching cops. I don't think that is on Johns.
Me: "Playing dumb to tolerate substandard writing" has been one of my pet peeves with comic book fans for a long time. But I totally get what you're saying. I've been writing about comic books long enough that I can't help but find every little bit wrong simply to use it as a spring board to talk about whatever the fuck is in my head at the time. If I were just reading the books, I'm sure Nightwing riding a motorcycle up the side of a building would have gotten an eye roll and I would have promptly forgotten about it.
I haven't played chess much at all in the last, um, thirty-five years? I mostly played with my father's father who died in the early 80s. He was an engineer who worked on the SR-71 Blackbird. I think he liked playing chess against me because I was an untrained chess player who made unpredictable and challenging moves. It's like when I invented demolishing Germany by invading on Russia's first turn in Axis and Allies.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I invented that. I also invented wasting time and resources in taking Australia as Japan. So, you know, unpredictable!
And as to your last comment, I think you're letting Johns off the hook too easily! Isn't his title "Creative Director of Creativity and Direction Except When It Comes To Drawings And Then I Call Jim Lee"?
Dark Nights: Metal #5
By those guys who are doing it. You know those guys.
Oh yeah. I did a full review of this on the old blog. It's here.
Letters to Me!
Upright writes: I AM OFFENDED.
A QUOTE THAT STARTS WITH "Where Johns exceeds Moore is in how much...” HAD BETTER END WITH “...he’s a shit writer.” OR THE PERSON BEING QUOTED IS A FOOL, A HALF PERSON.
Bah. Who was that guy? He’s probably an agent of ISIS.
My reply: Do you think ISIS is actually reviewing comic books now? If so, that probably means our culture has nearly destroyed them, right?! I bet if Marvel were to make a Ms. Marvel movie, we could totally sway them to our side. I wonder if Marvel would hire me to write it. I think I'd start out with Johnny Storm getting some flak for depicting Mohammed in flames. Ms. Marvel will be all, "That's not cool. I mean, I don't really care that much, being Americanized and shit. I even drank beer once! And I'm horny all the time. Which is probably something you can be in Islam just like in Christiantiy or Judaism. But you can't show that you're horny which is similar to Christianity and although you can show it in Judaism, you have to feel really guilty about it. I hope I'm not being insensitive to religion by talking about how stupid it all is!"
I should get an agent! I bet Marvel would pick up that pitch in a heartbeat!
KB writes: Speaking of detective comics, I was watching this clip from "Would I Lie to You?":
I grow convinced of the following:
1) Lee Mack missed his true calling as a police interrogator.
2) All police procedural shows should include a segment where a panel of sarcastic British comedians pick apart the suspects' stories in front of an audience.
3) David Mitchell would make a fantastic arch-nemesis for Detective Lee Mack.
My reply: Have we discussed "Would I Lie to You?" before? It's one of my favorite shows. This last season took so long to come out after they'd taped the series that I developed an anxiety disorder. Doom Bunny and Upright are probably thinking, "Oh? You developed that just this year, did you?" Or maybe Doom Bunny is just thinking, "I'm drunk!" And Upright is just thinking, "Doom Bunny's probably drunk!"
One of the things I love about British panel shows is how readily British comedians laugh at the wit and jokes of their peers. You can tell that David Mitchell enjoys Lee Mack as much as anybody in the audience. They're such a great team.
I also can't get enough of Rob Brydon and Lee Mack doing their imitations of David Mitchell. What a great fucking show.
KB: Credit where it is very much due: if I come up with workable one-line solutions to problems in comics, it's because you spot the problems. I often get in the habit of playing dumb to tolerate substandard writing, which is to say, I am slowly being sucked down into the abyss. Hell, I'm even on record as once having enjoyed Lobdell's writing, but of course that was X-Men in the early 90s and there was no rhyme or reason to any of that.
Turns out I do like chess, and have found the ChessEdge channel on YouTube is tremendously helpful. Dude came up with a pretty good distillation of good chess tactics, or at least the types of moves to look for. (No, it's not attempting to reduce chess to a formula, any more than learning the bebop scale means you're playing bebop by formula.) I will not claim that chess is the greatest game ever or anything like that, but there is artistry, and that artistry comes from combining the abilities of various pieces to achieve results nobody saw coming.
About Geoff Johns and the failings of the nu52 ... I don't mind the original concept that, when superheroes first came out, they were treated with distrust and were considered criminals. I don't mind it because it's a starting place. But if you start there, very quickly you need to show the heroes building relationships with public officials, gaining the public trust, and so on. I wouldn't be surprised if Johns planned for that to happen; certainly it happened in Batman's "Zero Year", to great effect. But elsewhere (mostly Superman) ... ? Well when you've got Eddie Berganza as a group editor, don't expect characters operating through trust and responsibility rather than power and intimidation. Thus, Superman got turned into Wolverine: lost his powers, hated and feared by the masses, riding around on a motorcycle, punching cops. I don't think that is on Johns.
Me: "Playing dumb to tolerate substandard writing" has been one of my pet peeves with comic book fans for a long time. But I totally get what you're saying. I've been writing about comic books long enough that I can't help but find every little bit wrong simply to use it as a spring board to talk about whatever the fuck is in my head at the time. If I were just reading the books, I'm sure Nightwing riding a motorcycle up the side of a building would have gotten an eye roll and I would have promptly forgotten about it.
I haven't played chess much at all in the last, um, thirty-five years? I mostly played with my father's father who died in the early 80s. He was an engineer who worked on the SR-71 Blackbird. I think he liked playing chess against me because I was an untrained chess player who made unpredictable and challenging moves. It's like when I invented demolishing Germany by invading on Russia's first turn in Axis and Allies.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I invented that. I also invented wasting time and resources in taking Australia as Japan. So, you know, unpredictable!
And as to your last comment, I think you're letting Johns off the hook too easily! Isn't his title "Creative Director of Creativity and Direction Except When It Comes To Drawings And Then I Call Jim Lee"?
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