"No! Wait! You can't quit! We're not done fucking with you yet!"
I instantly had a few thoughts when looking at this cover and the most immediate and disturbing was, "I wonder what the Guardians' balls smell like?" I didn't plan on thinking that. I didn't want to think that. But the Guardians look sweaty and they're probably just free-ballin' and they're blue which probably adds a dimension to the smell, right? Do colors smell? I grew up in the '70s where everything was Scratch 'n' Sniff scented so I'm wired to think that yellow smells like bananas and red smells like cherries and purple smells like grapes and brown smells like chocolate and black smells like licorice and orange smells like oranges and blue smells like snozzberries and green smells like apples and/or watermelons. I don't know if the idea that all colors had specific scents cascaded down into newer generations but as a Gen Xer, colors definitely smell. So sweaty blue Guardians balls smell like a cowboy's saddle after a long cattle drive if you sniffed it while chewing blueberry gum that was almost out of flavor.
At the end of the last issue, John Stewart went mad. He went mad a little bit from the guilt of killing everybody on some planet I've forgotten about, a little bit by reading too many philosophical texts, a little bit by analyzing too many pop songs, a little bit by being forced to babysit a bunch of aliens thrown into a cosmic melting pot, a little bit by growing up in a racist America, a little bit by having Hal Jordan as a mentor, and a lot a bit by being possessed by an insane Guardian of the Universe. What he's done to himself over time, building a wall around his heart and his past so he doesn't have to care about all the pain he's endured (like the planet killing, racism, and pop songs), he's now done to Oa. He put up walls to avoid confrontation. John begins this issue realizing that he's got some shit to deal with and maybe by not dealing with it, he's used it to sculpt a prison planet full of metaphors and analogies which he can't run from. Although judging by the cover, he's going to fucking try.
At the end of the last issue, John Stewart went mad. He went mad a little bit from the guilt of killing everybody on some planet I've forgotten about, a little bit by reading too many philosophical texts, a little bit by analyzing too many pop songs, a little bit by being forced to babysit a bunch of aliens thrown into a cosmic melting pot, a little bit by growing up in a racist America, a little bit by having Hal Jordan as a mentor, and a lot a bit by being possessed by an insane Guardian of the Universe. What he's done to himself over time, building a wall around his heart and his past so he doesn't have to care about all the pain he's endured (like the planet killing, racism, and pop songs), he's now done to Oa. He put up walls to avoid confrontation. John begins this issue realizing that he's got some shit to deal with and maybe by not dealing with it, he's used it to sculpt a prison planet full of metaphors and analogies which he can't run from. Although judging by the cover, he's going to fucking try.
An awful lot of comics were basing their themes on Pink Floyd songs in the early '90s (see Cerebus and, well, two. Two comics were doing that).
John determines that the Mad Guardian's voice in his head is just his own brain giving a voice to the Mad Guardian's memories that wound up locked in his head when the Mad Guardian died while mind-linked to him. So John yells at the voice to shut up meaning he's yelling at himself meaning he doesn't shut up at all, shoves the voice back into his subconscious, and continues to live deeply in denial just like everybody else with perfect mental health.
The red alien (who is part of a race now being referred to as "The Horde") comes out of his coma long enough to mutter "See Rose" to John. John doesn't yell at it to shut up even though this is obviously another hallucination from his crazed mind. Instead, John thinks, "Wow! How did Rose get this alien to send me a message to see her? I should maybe go see her!" It turns out that's exactly what happened which means John and Rose are either greater geniuses than I am or just more earnest. Because I definitely wouldn't have listened to the Horde fellow. I mean I wouldn't have comprehended what he was trying to say. I would have responded, "Sea rose? Which sea rose? What are you talking about? There's a sea on Oa?! How did you wake up? I had you on enough Ketamine to fuel a Lords of Acid afterparty!"
The red alien (who is part of a race now being referred to as "The Horde") comes out of his coma long enough to mutter "See Rose" to John. John doesn't yell at it to shut up even though this is obviously another hallucination from his crazed mind. Instead, John thinks, "Wow! How did Rose get this alien to send me a message to see her? I should maybe go see her!" It turns out that's exactly what happened which means John and Rose are either greater geniuses than I am or just more earnest. Because I definitely wouldn't have listened to the Horde fellow. I mean I wouldn't have comprehended what he was trying to say. I would have responded, "Sea rose? Which sea rose? What are you talking about? There's a sea on Oa?! How did you wake up? I had you on enough Ketamine to fuel a Lords of Acid afterparty!"
If you grew up in the '70s, you'd realize this is the perfect beat in the dialogue for Lenny and Squiggy to barge in the door yelling, "Hello!"
Hal Jordan also does not barge through the front door. Nor does the Kool Aid Man bust through the wall because he can't reach a doorknob due to his thick midsection and small arms. Nobody comes to save them even though John looked directly at the camera and pleaded, "How?!" How will they stop this travesty? How will they save the world? How can they turn the tide of hatred and violence that threatens to destroy everything?
Dammit. Now that I referenced an old television show like Laverne and Shirley, my mind has begun picturing John Stewart, architect, as Mike Brady. This is just like an episode of The Brady Bunch! The battling aliens forced to live with each other are just like the children from separate marriages being forced to get along in such a small space. John Stewart, the architect, must maintain peace and find a way for everybody to live together. Rose takes the place of Carol Brady, his platonic wife, helping John to see things more clearly. And the Guardians are Alice. They're just watching and making snarky comments while occasionally leaving the house (Oa) to go fuck Sam the Zamaron.
Rose suggests John turn every race's most shallow and stereotypical attribute into a positive by giving them purposes based on their differences. John points out that's fucking racist and Rose gets a little bit too mad at him for shutting her down.
Dammit. Now that I referenced an old television show like Laverne and Shirley, my mind has begun picturing John Stewart, architect, as Mike Brady. This is just like an episode of The Brady Bunch! The battling aliens forced to live with each other are just like the children from separate marriages being forced to get along in such a small space. John Stewart, the architect, must maintain peace and find a way for everybody to live together. Rose takes the place of Carol Brady, his platonic wife, helping John to see things more clearly. And the Guardians are Alice. They're just watching and making snarky comments while occasionally leaving the house (Oa) to go fuck Sam the Zamaron.
Rose suggests John turn every race's most shallow and stereotypical attribute into a positive by giving them purposes based on their differences. John points out that's fucking racist and Rose gets a little bit too mad at him for shutting her down.
Sure, John. She was going to say "now."
Like I pointed out, John's an earnest motherfucker. But if thinking Rose was going to say "now" helps John to get off his ass and start fixing this shit, I don't see any need to suggest otherwise. Obviously Rose was going to say now! Um, obviously!
John's walls collapse under the pressure of every alien on the planet trying to knock them down. A tremendous massacre ensues as every alien race attacks every other alien race. Luckily Hal followed Chaselon back to Oa and he and his recruits arrive in time to save at least a few lives. John sees Hal arrive and it sends him spiraling once more. All of his childhood insecurities return to the surface. Plus that one insecurity where his wife, Katma Tui, was murdered by Jordan's ex, Carol Ferris (as Star Sapphire). So the guy whose ex murdered his wife who John resents because he's also the great white hero who always swoops in to save this poor little Black boy once again wags John's failures right in his face. Unbeknownst to Hal, of course, who just does his cop job the way any cop does: without thinking. John, who thinks way too much, finally decides maybe he should act. He couldn't act to stop race riots when he was a boy. He couldn't act to save his wife from Hal's ex. He couldn't act to save an entire planet because the bomb was yellow (but that was a case where he didn't think enough! That was one where he acted too much without thinking so I don't think it should be part of the list. But it is. Because, you know, an entire planet died). And now John can't act to save the aliens on Oa because he's more concerned with how the entire situation is a metaphor for his mental health rather than something that's happening right at the moment and it's causing people to die.
John's walls collapse under the pressure of every alien on the planet trying to knock them down. A tremendous massacre ensues as every alien race attacks every other alien race. Luckily Hal followed Chaselon back to Oa and he and his recruits arrive in time to save at least a few lives. John sees Hal arrive and it sends him spiraling once more. All of his childhood insecurities return to the surface. Plus that one insecurity where his wife, Katma Tui, was murdered by Jordan's ex, Carol Ferris (as Star Sapphire). So the guy whose ex murdered his wife who John resents because he's also the great white hero who always swoops in to save this poor little Black boy once again wags John's failures right in his face. Unbeknownst to Hal, of course, who just does his cop job the way any cop does: without thinking. John, who thinks way too much, finally decides maybe he should act. He couldn't act to stop race riots when he was a boy. He couldn't act to save his wife from Hal's ex. He couldn't act to save an entire planet because the bomb was yellow (but that was a case where he didn't think enough! That was one where he acted too much without thinking so I don't think it should be part of the list. But it is. Because, you know, an entire planet died). And now John can't act to save the aliens on Oa because he's more concerned with how the entire situation is a metaphor for his mental health rather than something that's happening right at the moment and it's causing people to die.
Don't threaten Hal with a good time brawl that could end with him 86'd from an entire planet.
Hal allows John to lead the team while also allowing John to think that Hal isn't allowing John to lead the team. That's why he's a hero! Having thought too much about how to protect the aliens of the planet from each other using the wisdom of philosophers and poets, John decides now to use the wisdom of Mike Tyson and Hal Jordan. Instead of walls and non-violence, John turns to beating the shit out of people and locking them in cages.
I guess this works better than the walls because Rockwell has no sycophants lending him their ears.
Those most scared of violence being committed against them are always the ones most willing to commit violence against others. Some people have guns even though they know what guns have done to our communities because they don't give a shit what happens to anybody but themselves. And the gun, while not actually making them safe, gives them a sense of safety. But here's the secret, assholes: you can feel safe without a gun. All you have to do is stop pooping your pants every day worrying about how you can't control every other individual on the planet! Calm down, fuckers. Take a breath. Maybe meditate a little bit.
Here's my secret to feeling safe without resorting to being part of the mass killing community (if you own a gun, face it, you're part of the community. You allow mass killings just to feel safer): if I'm killed because I don't have a gun, I don't give a shit. I'd rather die than be party to our gun epidemic. I doubt there's a gun owner in America who sleeps better than I do.
After the Green Lanterns stop the fighting by imprisoning all the leaders and making a grand show of their power, John heads over to Rose's house to ask for her help. Hal is all, "Wait. This is my lady's house!" And John is all, "Yeah, I need her help!" And Hal is all, "*GLARE GLARE JEALOUSY GLARE*"
John confronts the Guardians and learns they're not sending anybody home. They've become attached to their caged vermin. Or something. They claim observing different aliens and how they get along is for the greater good of the universe. And they tell John he's welcome to leave and abandon his duty and his new friends and the one thing he does better than Hal Jordan. So John doesn't quit. The cover was a big lie! Ha ha! I bet you were fooled, weren't you?! Stupid comic book reader!
John gathers all the peaceful aliens together to start a local governing council that will plan the new community. He's going to do the thing Rose suggested earlier that he called racist. Mostly because it's the easiest way to present a new comic book title, Green Lantern: Mosaic. It'll contain so many allegories and morality tales and fables and lessons to learn! I can't wait to read it (again!).
Green Lantern #17 Rating: B+. I was hoping for a more intricate solution to the problems of the Mosaic world than "putting the rabble rousers in prison." It's just such an American answer and not any more thoughtful than just building a wall. But at least John sees this as a temporary solution to keep the peace. He also makes sure Rockwell knows that he has no problem going even further if it's warranted. John will bring death and destruction any time it is needed to save his new world. But he doesn't want that. He's going to work with all of the earnest aliens he's met so far who believe they can all coexist. And they're going to hammer out some really smart solutions. And John will probably hammer out Rose's butthole, if you get my meaning. My meaning is what I literally wrote, by the way. Hal's going to have to start dating Brik (which would make Brik gravel her underwear. She's so into Jordan).
Here's my secret to feeling safe without resorting to being part of the mass killing community (if you own a gun, face it, you're part of the community. You allow mass killings just to feel safer): if I'm killed because I don't have a gun, I don't give a shit. I'd rather die than be party to our gun epidemic. I doubt there's a gun owner in America who sleeps better than I do.
After the Green Lanterns stop the fighting by imprisoning all the leaders and making a grand show of their power, John heads over to Rose's house to ask for her help. Hal is all, "Wait. This is my lady's house!" And John is all, "Yeah, I need her help!" And Hal is all, "*GLARE GLARE JEALOUSY GLARE*"
John confronts the Guardians and learns they're not sending anybody home. They've become attached to their caged vermin. Or something. They claim observing different aliens and how they get along is for the greater good of the universe. And they tell John he's welcome to leave and abandon his duty and his new friends and the one thing he does better than Hal Jordan. So John doesn't quit. The cover was a big lie! Ha ha! I bet you were fooled, weren't you?! Stupid comic book reader!
John gathers all the peaceful aliens together to start a local governing council that will plan the new community. He's going to do the thing Rose suggested earlier that he called racist. Mostly because it's the easiest way to present a new comic book title, Green Lantern: Mosaic. It'll contain so many allegories and morality tales and fables and lessons to learn! I can't wait to read it (again!).
Green Lantern #17 Rating: B+. I was hoping for a more intricate solution to the problems of the Mosaic world than "putting the rabble rousers in prison." It's just such an American answer and not any more thoughtful than just building a wall. But at least John sees this as a temporary solution to keep the peace. He also makes sure Rockwell knows that he has no problem going even further if it's warranted. John will bring death and destruction any time it is needed to save his new world. But he doesn't want that. He's going to work with all of the earnest aliens he's met so far who believe they can all coexist. And they're going to hammer out some really smart solutions. And John will probably hammer out Rose's butthole, if you get my meaning. My meaning is what I literally wrote, by the way. Hal's going to have to start dating Brik (which would make Brik gravel her underwear. She's so into Jordan).
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