Green Lantern #10 (March 1991)

Guy Gardner fucks dogs.

The argument could be made that Guy Gardner fucks alien women who look like dogs. But two things about that: 1. Guy Gardner clearly stated in Issue #5 that he doesn't fuck alien women because they're weird colors; 2. G'nort has consistently been played as being absolutely dog-like in his manner which suggests all beings from G'nort's planet are clearly humanoid dogs. Being that I never took debate, I'm surprised at how easily I'm already seeing points against my conclusions. Sure, these dog women aren't "weird" colors so maybe Guy would like to fuck them. But they are normal dog colors which leads me to suspect Guy is attracted to regular Earth dogs. The argument against my second point could be that no other alien of G'nort's species acts the way G'nort does because he's mentally disabled. These two bitches in the spa with Guy Gardner could be the most eloquent and charming dog ladies anybody has ever met. Also they're naked. Also also Guy is naked. Also also also there is a weird white substance floating around the top of the spa.

The best defense against Guy Gardner fucking dogs is this: "This is only the cover, Tess! Hold your fucking stupid horses you extremist buttfucker! You know how covers often lie!"

I was recently talking to my next door neighbor and the subject of some other tenants in my building came up. He mentioned how loud and vulgar they were and, as a point of clarification to express their vulgarity by repeating something they said, he simply muttered, "Buttfucker." That made me laugh so loud. When is the last time I heard the term "buttfucker" used as an insult?! Junior high?! You need to be an immature virgin or ex-military to think the term "buttfucker" is an insult! Once you're an adult who has never been in the military, if somebody called you a buttfucker, you'd be all, "You know it!" as you tried to conceal your sudden erection!

As evidence that I haven't heard that term used since junior high, I just searched my blog for the word "buttfucker." No results. I rest my case. I am a mature adult buttfucker. If the term had even once been on my mind past junior high, I definitely would have used it. Have you read the other 4,500 entries on this blog?

This issue begins with G'nort singing parody versions of Earth television show themes with Guy's typical reaction.

I'm beginning to rethink my constant defense of Guy Gardner.

Guy Gardner probably doesn't mind punching the dumb space dog in the face because the dumb space dog has a Green Lantern power ring so Guy knows he can't actually hurt him. Guy also probably knows that dogs are so needy and loyal that even if you punch them with a massive green fist made of light, they'll continue to want to be your friend. Poor little loyal doggies! I'm so sad now thinking about asshole dog owners and their dogs who just want to be loved! And I don't even like dogs that much!

Guy gets his first glimpse of G'nort's home planet where one of the continents is shaped like a massive bone. That's too unlikely to be a coincidence therefore, according to the logic of Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort, a doggie God created this planet for his loyal doggy creations. Also according to the logic of Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort, I am ignoring all other possible reasons why there is a continent shaped like a bone which would be more reasonable than a magic doggy daddy in the sky.

Evidence for Comics Gaters that they're wrong about their history of comic books via a panel from 1991 where Guy does not say retard like you know every Comics Gater wants him to.

I hesitated to write that caption because I'm not totally convinced that Guy won't utter the word "retarded" sometime during this four issue story arc. If that happens, I'm going to have to apologize to Comics Gaters, admit that they were correct about everything, and become a woman hating asshole on the spot, I guess.

The doggies of G'nort's planet greet him as a hero when he returns. He's more beloved than Guy Gardner. Probably because he tries his best even if he sometimes screws up while Guy Gardner doesn't want to try at all and simply wants to be loved and adored for being the hero that he most obviously isn't. Especially after last issue when he crashed a plane, set a fire in some fictional European DC country that's the last bastion of Communism, and smashed some New Jersey guy's house because he looked, to Guy, like a mobster. That's supervillain shit! Do the Guardians not care that they're sponsoring an Earth supervillain?! Maybe the whole point of this story will be Guy learning a little something about heroism.

Guy seems surprised when all the dog people who act totally like dogs begin sniffing his butt and crotch. Oh, DC doesn't show it that explicitly. But I, an astute reader of fine vintage comic books, understand what Gerard Jones was getting at (even if I hate typing the words "I understand what Gerard Jones was getting at." Please do not take that out of context!). Guy drags off G'nort in an effort to find G'nort's uncle and solve the mystery of how G'nort got his ring.

Now he's abusing G'nort just because he fell for G'nort's dad joke!

Guy Gardner learns that G'nort's uncle, G'newmann (from the planet G'newt), also has a Green Lantern ring. He uses it to make himself rich which, as far as me or Guy or anybody else paying attention to the Guardians of the Universe, seems to be slightly unethical behavior. He also uses it to get laid a lot but that's less ethically dubious because can't it be argued that all Green Lanterns, simply by dint of being heroic figures in the universe, use it to get laid? I don't mean they're all Warren Ellis using their positions to dupe women into lying with them fornically! I just mean they're impressive creatures! And being impressed by somebody sometimes leads to coitus! I should know. This one time, I impressed this girl, and she used one of my friends to get into my bed. See, she gave us both her number but I never called her. My friend Aaron did call her and so she started doing things with him. I believe he thought they were dating but she was just hanging out with him until she wound up around me again. Then she took the opportunity to touch my penis through my jeans. It was pretty exciting! It wasn't until much later that I realized Aaron thought I stole his girlfriend whereas I thought I was just having sex with that woman I impressed (and he knew I'd impressed her too! He said as much that night! He said, "Did you see the way she was looking at you? She couldn't take her eyes off you the entire drive home." That's what he said!) whom I just never called because I had computer games to play. Anyway, sorry, Aaron! I didn't look at the situation through your eyes because I was looking at the situation through my dick's eyes.

Guy's investigation stalls a bit as G'newmann gives him the runaround (which G'nort thoroughly enjoys!). He figures G'newmann will answer his questions eventually so he decides to stay for dinner.

They just served him feces, didn't they? Or vomit.

It's possible they also served him week old roadkill but I suspect Guy would have eaten that. Being served shit causes Guy to freak the fuck out and he threatens G'newmann with even more physical violence than he's been heaping on his nephew. G'newmann caves and gives Guy a mental image of the Guardians that gave him the ring. Guy doesn't recognize them but he knows Jordan will so he seeks out Hal 20 million light years away in his little Green Lantern recruiting bubble apartment. Hal explains to Guy that something has been giving the aliens he encounters a negative view of the Green Lantern Corps. Hal is confused by this but I'm just left thinking, "Maybe they encountered the Green Lantern Corps? They are basically a fascist organization!" Guy doesn't immediately think, "Maybe it's these jerks who have been giving out Green Lantern rings to total idiots!" But once Hal figures out what Guy is up to, I bet he'll put the pieces together.

I think the last time Hal met G'nort, Hal called him an idiot.

Jordan gives Guy detailed directions to the alien race he believes are pretending to be Guardians. As you can see, they're called the Poglachi and they look like clowns. I'm only typing that sentence because it's true. I scanned the previous panel so you didn't think I was making it up. Somebody believing I wrote that, even as facetious crap about a dumb comic book, would ruin my already lackluster reputation. I was so upset by that bit, I almost tore up my comic book immediately. But I desisted because this comic book might be worth two or three bucks.

Gross, guys. Arisia is like fourteen!

Oh double gross. I just remembered Gerard Jones wrote those panels. At least Guy, Hal, and Arisia are fictional characters so, really, I don't care if they have a space threesome. But it would have to be written by somebody other than Gerard Jones. Like Vladimir Nabokov, maybe. Or Stephen King.

The villains behind G'nort's fake power ring seem to be Qwardians. Maybe this adventure is how Guy makes the connections he later uses to get his own Yellow Lantern Ring. Except a fake one that doesn't run on fear because that's not a thing yet. It's just yellow so that he can beat the shit out of Hal Jordan easier.

Guy defeats the Qwardians but he doesn't recognize them immediately and he doesn't have time to question them before they're incinerated by The Red Heat. I guess that's what happens when a Qwardian fails at his job. But at least he's found the Poglachi encampment.

Was Pennywise a Poglachi?

Imagine the first aliens humans came into contact with looked like this. Somebody'd hit one in the face with a cream pie and spray some seltzer on another and they'd fucking decimate us with their clown lasers and balloon soldiers.

Green Lantern #10 Rating: C. Aside from punching a dog multiple times, Guy's characterization wasn't too bad in this one! He sought help from Jordan, he acted like a human being while speaking with Jordan, he begged Jordan for help, he bonded over eye-fucking a minor (oh wait that was part of the bad stuff! Never mind), and he actually said some nice things to G'nort. Those nice things amounted to "I hit you because bros hit each other out of love" so really it wasn't that nice. But G'nort loved it and felt included! So, you know, results matter, I guess. But the alien race of clowns named the Poglachi? Fuck that shit. Fuck it right in a clown's corn hole. Imagine the stupid honking every time you thrust into that festive mess of confetti and lube. You know how clown cars can fit loads of clowns in them? I bet their butts are like that! Except instead of clowns, it's dicks. I'm ending this blog post right now and I swear I am not going to search for clown porn now.