Do cosmic vampires have a weakness to snowballs or is Ice just a deeply unserious hero?
At least Ice is trying something. Blue Beetle is just standing there thinking, "Wait. Am I just the chauffeur?"
It's times like this, when you're facing a cosmic sun vampire in deep space, elbow to elbow with a team of heroes with wonderful and myriad powers, when a man in a bug suit finally understands the true weight of his existence. And when that weight reads "Negligible" or "Miniscule," and that man in the bug suit somehow continues to battle forward, it's when true heroism shines! Or he'll just make a fart joke in a moment of true enlightenment as to his ultimate purpose.
Starbreaker breaks Almerac to pieces even though that only makes him a planetbreaker. He knows the power of branding. Besides, if he called himself Planetbreaker, the heroes would have expected this development and tried to stop him before he could break the planet. Instead they were caught with their pants on the outsides of their leotards waiting for Starbreaker to make his move on Almerac's star. And now Superman has been thrown into the molten core of the planet and all of the citizens of Almerac are dying horrific deaths.
It's times like this, when you're facing a cosmic sun vampire in deep space, elbow to elbow with a team of heroes with wonderful and myriad powers, when a man in a bug suit finally understands the true weight of his existence. And when that weight reads "Negligible" or "Miniscule," and that man in the bug suit somehow continues to battle forward, it's when true heroism shines! Or he'll just make a fart joke in a moment of true enlightenment as to his ultimate purpose.
Starbreaker breaks Almerac to pieces even though that only makes him a planetbreaker. He knows the power of branding. Besides, if he called himself Planetbreaker, the heroes would have expected this development and tried to stop him before he could break the planet. Instead they were caught with their pants on the outsides of their leotards waiting for Starbreaker to make his move on Almerac's star. And now Superman has been thrown into the molten core of the planet and all of the citizens of Almerac are dying horrific deaths.
If I were as powerless to help as Blue Beetle, I wouldn't constantly call attention to myself with nonsense.
If Starbreaker had previously mentioned how he wanted to sell more records than Madonna and blowing up Almerac was how he was going to do it, then I apologize to Blue Beetle for calling his argument nonsense. But if that didn't happen in the previous issue (and I'm fairly certain it didn't), then shut the fuck up, Beetle. You sound like an asshole.
Ice, Fire, Beetle, and Booster impotently discuss how completely impotent they are, trapped in a cage of energy. Basically they're using all the same adjectives the long-time DC fans have been saying about this version of the Justice League for about five years now: "useless," "idiotic," "underpowered." But Bloodwynd is also trapped in the energy cube and not even Starbreaker knows that he's actually Martian Manhunter. Which means he can just walk out of the energy cube!
Readers are waiting for Superman to burst out of the ground so Dan Jurgens has a short story about Superman in Almerac's core that ends with the core collapsing on Superman. That'll stop the dumb readers from thinking Superman will burst free later in the comic book! "See? You thought he'd get out, didn't you?" says Dan Jurgen as he draws Superman covered in rocks. "But look at that! I just covered Superman in rocks! No way he can get out of that, you idiots!" Dan smiles at his big trick, knowing that Superman will later burst out of Almerac's core. "Checkmate, you dumb readers!"
Ice, Fire, Beetle, and Booster impotently discuss how completely impotent they are, trapped in a cage of energy. Basically they're using all the same adjectives the long-time DC fans have been saying about this version of the Justice League for about five years now: "useless," "idiotic," "underpowered." But Bloodwynd is also trapped in the energy cube and not even Starbreaker knows that he's actually Martian Manhunter. Which means he can just walk out of the energy cube!
Readers are waiting for Superman to burst out of the ground so Dan Jurgens has a short story about Superman in Almerac's core that ends with the core collapsing on Superman. That'll stop the dumb readers from thinking Superman will burst free later in the comic book! "See? You thought he'd get out, didn't you?" says Dan Jurgen as he draws Superman covered in rocks. "But look at that! I just covered Superman in rocks! No way he can get out of that, you idiots!" Dan smiles at his big trick, knowing that Superman will later burst out of Almerac's core. "Checkmate, you dumb readers!"
Why's everybody always gotta prove something to somebody else alla the damn time?!
It's always the dumb Alpha types who claim they have nothing to prove who constantly need to prove to everybody else how alpha they are. They're the true betas. And cucks too!
Bloodwynd finally comes up with a plan that won't blow his cover: he'll shapeshift into a Guardian of the Universe and taunt Starbreaker from inside the prison! Since nobody was paying much attention to Bloodwynd, nobody will notice that he's now missing. And nobody will know J'onn just shape-shifted because Bloodwynd will be all, "I channeled the dead! Again!" Then everybody will be all, "Oh yeah, that makes sense. Very clever how you challenge the dead! It's such a versatile power!"
Starbreaker doesn't suspect anything because he's too angry at the Oans to not try to kill one at first sight. And when he can't harm him through his own force field, the Oan is all, "Oh, you're too weak to blast me through your force field! The only way to kill me is to turn it off! What will you do?! Oh my!" Well, we all know what he's about to do, don't we?
Bloodwynd finally comes up with a plan that won't blow his cover: he'll shapeshift into a Guardian of the Universe and taunt Starbreaker from inside the prison! Since nobody was paying much attention to Bloodwynd, nobody will notice that he's now missing. And nobody will know J'onn just shape-shifted because Bloodwynd will be all, "I channeled the dead! Again!" Then everybody will be all, "Oh yeah, that makes sense. Very clever how you challenge the dead! It's such a versatile power!"
Starbreaker doesn't suspect anything because he's too angry at the Oans to not try to kill one at first sight. And when he can't harm him through his own force field, the Oan is all, "Oh, you're too weak to blast me through your force field! The only way to kill me is to turn it off! What will you do?! Oh my!" Well, we all know what he's about to do, don't we?
Starbreaker is just as dumb as Booster Gold suspected. That makes me sad.
Bloodwynd reveals his deception and then flies away knowing that the rest of the Justice League do not have the ability to go toe-to-toe with Starbreaker. He has decided it's more important to save Almerac than to save Booster, Beetle, Fire, and Ice. And here I thought J'onn understood the importance of family! Bloodwynd flies off to fix the planet. Elsewhere, Maxima also finally finds the ability to go save her planet. That means Superman must be sealing the third and final fissure that is causing Almerac to fly off into the sun.
Back in the throne room, Fire distracts Starbreaker with her easily crushable skull while Blue Beetle proves how he's an asset to the team. Being that I'm a cynical jerk, I don't buy into the whole "Blue Beetle, being a genius inventor and having familiarized himself with Booster's future tech, invents an energy siphoning machine by combining Booster's force field device to Almerac's force field device." But that's what happens so whatever. I guess Beetle is more than a chauffeur. Look how dumb I look having written that bit earlier when he's just now saved the day with well-explained scientific bullshit. Well, maybe not exactly "well-explained." But definitely scientific bullshit.
Meanwhile somewhere in Almerac's molten core:
Back in the throne room, Fire distracts Starbreaker with her easily crushable skull while Blue Beetle proves how he's an asset to the team. Being that I'm a cynical jerk, I don't buy into the whole "Blue Beetle, being a genius inventor and having familiarized himself with Booster's future tech, invents an energy siphoning machine by combining Booster's force field device to Almerac's force field device." But that's what happens so whatever. I guess Beetle is more than a chauffeur. Look how dumb I look having written that bit earlier when he's just now saved the day with well-explained scientific bullshit. Well, maybe not exactly "well-explained." But definitely scientific bullshit.
Meanwhile somewhere in Almerac's molten core:
What?! No way! Superman didn't get crushed like I totally bought into earlier! Oh, Jurgens! You tricksy scamp you!
Superman plugs one rift and heads back to his team where he insults the fuck out of them by saying, "I never thought I'd say this but I'm impressed!" What a fucking asshole! Go suck on a Kryptonite dildo, you K-jerk!
I mean, I feel the same way. But I'm not Superman! I'm allowed to say this Justice League are a bunch of failure who probably shouldn't have defeated Starbreaker. And yet Dan Jurgens wrote them to to do just that! Incredible!
For the crimes of not giving a fuck about anybody but herself, Maxima is banished from Almerac. Superman allows her to remain on the Justice League, possibly because her ship is their only way back to Earth. At least that's what he'll have to tell Lois later.
Justice League America #65 Rating: B+. Even Ice helped out in this battle if you call making one large ice wall after Starbreaker was pretty much already defeated helping. And Fire helped by distracting Starbreaker with her easily bruised flesh. But mostly the team worked together to help save the planet from a cosmic menace. And this cosmic menace wasn't actively trying to destroy the Justice League either! So it's like they actually did something heroic! They didn't save any Americans but they did save Almeracans which is almost the same thing if you can barely spell like me! The issue lost a partial grade because Starbreaker turned into a pile of dust and I didn't want that to happen to the poor guy! He was just trying to prove himself worthy of his father's love! I think. Also, at one point, he called Booster and Beetle "boys" and that seemed pretty gay. He reminded me of Space Lestat! This was a really good time in our culture for super duper gay vampires. We know Anne Rice was the driving force for that incredible moment in time but I think Robert Smith of The Cure probably had something to do with everybody's love of gay vampires too. Just look at him from the time! So vampiric! And gay!
I mean, I feel the same way. But I'm not Superman! I'm allowed to say this Justice League are a bunch of failure who probably shouldn't have defeated Starbreaker. And yet Dan Jurgens wrote them to to do just that! Incredible!
For the crimes of not giving a fuck about anybody but herself, Maxima is banished from Almerac. Superman allows her to remain on the Justice League, possibly because her ship is their only way back to Earth. At least that's what he'll have to tell Lois later.
Justice League America #65 Rating: B+. Even Ice helped out in this battle if you call making one large ice wall after Starbreaker was pretty much already defeated helping. And Fire helped by distracting Starbreaker with her easily bruised flesh. But mostly the team worked together to help save the planet from a cosmic menace. And this cosmic menace wasn't actively trying to destroy the Justice League either! So it's like they actually did something heroic! They didn't save any Americans but they did save Almeracans which is almost the same thing if you can barely spell like me! The issue lost a partial grade because Starbreaker turned into a pile of dust and I didn't want that to happen to the poor guy! He was just trying to prove himself worthy of his father's love! I think. Also, at one point, he called Booster and Beetle "boys" and that seemed pretty gay. He reminded me of Space Lestat! This was a really good time in our culture for super duper gay vampires. We know Anne Rice was the driving force for that incredible moment in time but I think Robert Smith of The Cure probably had something to do with everybody's love of gay vampires too. Just look at him from the time! So vampiric! And gay!
Moar awesome gay vampire content!🖤 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2L8DnyT1AD8&list=PLHsKecJpIsNB2m_scQFShVk15TYGkFajj&index=12
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