Red Hood and the Outlaws #14

Oh fuck. Don't drag Superman into this constipated bowel of horrors.

It's time once again for the Scott Lobdell show! Let's enjoy whatever script he came up with by sitting down at his writing desk and just writing! He's taken the idea of writing every day to practice writing seriously. Except he seems to believe that whatever comes out of the other end of his pen is good writing simply because it appeared on paper. Look, Scott. I understand that sometimes when you're writing something, you're not always sure how it's going to end. But take a fucking look over at Action Comics. Grant Morrison's entire run is tying up so neatly with everything he's written interlacing with everything else. It's like he had everything planned. He may not have but he at least understands how to make a story's ending compliment its beginning while the middle is thoroughly entertaining. But you just write a story one month that's headed in a certain direction and then the next month, you continue toward the same destination but the story seems to be coming from a completely different compass direction. Your stories are disjointed, overly narrated, and filled with characters that all act like brats with attitudes.

Take some time to think about what you're doing instead of just farting out ideas. Like having Superman suddenly be on Krypton at the end of your Zero Issue. I guarantee that you added that at the last second as you were writing the stupid ass story. "This story needs a big twist surprise ending. I know! Superman will somehow have found his way back to Krypton! That'll be shocking!" Yes. It was shockingly bad. And then you doubled down on the crapfest by creating a being called The Oracle that knows everything ever but still needs to be warned that Krypton is getting another chance at survival? You fucking suck at thinking.

That's enough Scott Lobdell bashing for now! I'm really not surprised he avoids the fucking internet. He must keep a jar of tears next to his computer for every time he goes online to read about himself.
Red Hood and the Outlaws #14 begins with Jason Todd Narration Boxing, "I'll be honest." Jason, I already dislike you immensely because I've only read two versions of you: when you were alive and everyone hated you in the 80s, and when you were rebooted her in The New 52. You never shined in either of them. And now you're beginning a comic by saying, "I'll be honest." You know who uses that phrase? People who are never honest. You know when they say that phrase? Either when they're finally being honest or when they want you to believe their next fucking lie. You never put yourself in a good light when you begin a sentence saying, "I ain't trying to lie" or "Honestly" or "Truth be told" or anything that indicates you generally enjoy bending the truth a bit.
 
But that's all I've heard you say so far. So, pardon my interruption. Dazzle me!

Okay. Speaking nonsense isn't helping.

Jason Todd is being honest about the things that scared him long before he was dead. Read that last paragraph without the comma and you'll see what the first thing that scared him was. The second thing was not having enough to eat. Probably because his pet dog kept eating all of its own vomit. And the third thing was Superman which Jason Todd implores the person he's speaking to to think about. Perhaps the entire run of Red Hood and the Outlaws is being told in a confessional.

Superman has decided to pay Starfire a visit aboard her new Tamaranean Ship as it flies home toward Earth. I'm making that assumption. They might simply be lost in Sector 2828. He wants to talk but all of The Outlaws are suspicious of him so they'd rather piss him off and have him bust open the ship. Why? Because they all have attitudes and how dare they allow someone with no real authority have a polite conversation with them. But since this is their comic book, Lobdell has Superman threaten them so that whatever happens, Red Hood and the Outlaws didn't start it.

Hey Superman! You've already established that they can hear you and you can hear them, so why don't you just get to the point instead of instigating a space battle?

Instead of dealing with Superman and finding out what he wants (because that would be too easy and keep any conflict from happening), the Outlaws teleport to Earth. And what exactly makes them outlaws? If Jason Todd is really worried about being busted for whatever he's done, why is he working with Batman over in Batman Incorporated? Or do that story have nothing to do with this story because they're so far removed on the level of writing? And what did Roy Harper do? Not that I think he hasn't done a lot of shit that might have upset people, but what is it? If you're going to base this comic book on calling the team "outlaws", at least fucking tell me what they've done! Most mysteriously is Starfire. Why is she wanted? Did I miss something? I easily could have fallen asleep while reading the rest of this series and missed the explanation on the outlaw stuff.

Superman, of course, tracks them to their teleport location instantly. Finally Lobdell wrote something crazy that I'm willing to believe!

Jason Todd, Charmer!

Isabel is the only one saying anything rational and Jason Todd smarts off to her and belittles her chosen life. It's probably a good thing he doesn't tell her how to serve peanuts! "Load them into the chamber and fire them directly into the heads of the customers." I assume that's what he'd suggest because his theory on how to beat Superman is probably dumber than the way I said he'd serve peanuts. "Piss him off and wait for an opening"? What kind of opening are you going to get big enough to defeat Superman with a handgun? I suppose you're counting on Starfire to knock him loopy with one of her kitten kisses.

Superman begins to explain why he's here when Starfire interrupts him and then they all attack him. Fuck you, Lobdell. Fuck you and every other fucking writer that continually sets up these stupid situations simply to get your protagonists to fight the protagonists of other comic book titles. And this one is particularly stupid because Superman has just been trying to speak. Are they afraid he's going to blow out their ear drums with his Super Voice? Do they attack him before he can say a word because of his great reputation as a mesmerist? No, they simply attack him because Jason Todd just got done pointing out how Superman can disintegrate Batman with one funny look. So your options are to either listen to what he has to say, or attack the mightiest person in sector 2814.

Obviously Jason Todd doesn't believe anything he thinks about not trusting Superman. If he really thought Superman was going to harm them, he wouldn't act like a petulant brat. He knows Superman won't hurt them so he acts out. The only thing keeping any of them safe from being killed by Superman is that Superman won't kill them. So why don't they just fucking listen to him? Fuck you, Red Hood and your fucking outlaws. Stop being stupid.

They know that, Superman. They know you have all the power which is why they have to spout off and act like bad ass rebels. Nobody makes them do something they don't want to do! Nobody!

How dare Superman ask them to listen to him? The fucking nerve. Where does this asshole get off? This is a goddamned abuse of power is what this is! I hope these guys kick Superman's ass!

I decided to change teams and support Jason Todd and his Outlaws' mistakes since I never take their side. Well, I'm taking your side today, boys and boobs. I mean, girls!

Superman responds to this with, "Impressive. If you didn't use it against someone who can raise his body temperature to the point that silicon burns." Or if you didn't use it against someone that doesn't need to breathe.

Starfire suggests the Outlaws work as a team and fucking cocky ass Superman suggests that it won't help them at all. What an overpowered douchebag. Hey Superman! You're the reason Marvel Fanboys point to DC and lay on the hate. "Superman is not interesting because he's so powerful. And he has no flaws because he's a boy scout. How is that interesting? And he wears his underwear on the outside of his suit. What a pervert." Except he doesn't wear his underwear on the outside of his suit anymore. And he's not a boy scout anymore either! He's a rebel going up against The Man. Hmm, maybe DC has been listening to all of the complaints over the years! Except he's still stupidly powerful.

Finally, Isabel brokers a deal between these warring factions.

I'm pretty sure Superman knows how to send a text but seeing that it would come from "Clark Kent", it's probably not the best idea.

And just like that, the fighting stops. This wasn't a Mexican Standoff. This was a Japanese Standoff. Neither side could figure out how to back down without someone feeling shame so they needed to continue the charade until a neutral party could step in and stop the conflict by sharing blame equally. As soon as Isabel gets them to stop, Superman explains why he wanted to speak with Starfire. And it takes one fucking panel. That whole fight was just as much Superman's fault as the rest of them. Superman could easily have flown out of range of the conflict and still directed the question directly toward Starfire's face and then she could have whispered the answer and he'd still have heard it. Or, you know, Superman could get his own cell phone and gather up the numbers of all of Earth's other heroes and semi-heroes! Clark Kent could get those numbers easy with his investigative journalism powers.

Superman is investigating Helspont. Remember when Helspont's butler went around nearly defeating Martian Manhunter and Starfire and maybe some other aliens that I've forgotten about? Superman is trying to get to the bottom of Helspont's plans. And then Superman begins a sentence with, "The truth of the matter is...." Fucking liar.

What fucking crimes have they committed? What are you talking about?!

Superman leaves after he gets to say "Altrailian Starbuster." Also, the Altrailians designed their weapons with safeties just like Earth weapons! Smart people, those Altrailians. Then Roy wonders, "Man, was that guy a jerk--or was it me?" I think they were all jerks because that's the only character Scott Lobdell can write.

Oh! And you can't forget the moment where someone interrupts the flow of the story to remember that they have a secret plot idea reserved for later!

Don't give too many details! Lobdell can think up what this means later.

Everyone heads back to Gotham to return Isabel to her apartment even though I'm pretty sure she was from Florida. I guess being a flight attendant means she's from wherever the fuck she wants to be from. After Jason Todd fucks her and showers, he finds her dying on the floor of a drug overdose. Either this was the best date ever or someone is trying to fuck with Jason Todd.

Oh yeah! I forgot about that guy!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. Let's count the flaws: a fight between good guys (or semi-good guys. Whatever). A bunch of characters acting like temperamental brats. A single panel drop of a mystery plot to make it seem like Lobdell is planning things as opposed to actually planning things. Jason Todd in the shower. The New 52's version of Roy Harper. Scott Lobdell. Pascal Alixe's fat faces. I'm sure there were more but isn't that enough?