Oh no! The city is so sad!
I have a heart of stone so there's no way that I was moved when I found this anecdote in an old Constantine review from 2016 when I was looking up where I'd seen Neron before:
Oh! I forgot to mention that Jim Aparo did the art for the second issue starring Batman and Dead Robin. This issue, being that the guest star is Green Lantern, M.D. Bright will be in charge of drawing everything. I have to say, as a white devil, I might be a little bit offended by M.D. Bright's drawing of the demon Neron.
This weekend, my seven year old niece wanted me to pick her up because she had a secret she wanted to tell me. When I picked her up, she said, "Will you carry me forever?"That kid is turning 16 in a day or two and I can only imagine the wicked, murderous stare I would get from her if I reminded her that she wanted me to carry her forever. Or maybe she'd just laugh. Anyway, I'm glad I wrote that down when I did because I had absolutely forgotten about it and it was so fucking adorable and it sort of hurts my stone heart that she stopped wanting me to carry her and we don't make huge messes when the extended family get together to eat out while we pretty much ignore everybody else at our end of the table and she'll never write a follow-up to her book, "Uncle Jeff Makes Me Puke." Happy Birthday, kid!
Oh! I forgot to mention that Jim Aparo did the art for the second issue starring Batman and Dead Robin. This issue, being that the guest star is Green Lantern, M.D. Bright will be in charge of drawing everything. I have to say, as a white devil, I might be a little bit offended by M.D. Bright's drawing of the demon Neron.
Come on, man! Neron should not look like this. His actual name isn't Chad! He's a fucking rhyming demon!
The sad part about how M.D. Bright drew Neron is that he pretty much nailed it. Who decided Neron should look like he's the lost third member of Nelson? I suppose it was Vincent Giarrano who was the artist on 1995's Manhunter #11, Neron's first appearance. Or was Vincent basing it on Howard Porter's design from Underworld Unleashed #1 which was Neron's "real" first appearance, with a name and a motivation and sexy hair and everything? One thing I do know: I need to find this fucking mini-series. I probably won't enjoy it but I do love me some Howard Porter art so at least my eyes will be happy as my brain forces tears of pain and frustration out of them at the same time.
On another note, Caldera seems to only need three superhero souls to fulfill his contract with Neron. Why the pentagram then? I'd suspect that The Flash counts for more than one soul because he's so powerful if the other two souls weren't Jason Todd, a non-super-powered jerk-face, and Deadman, a useless circus ghost. How can Neron be happy with this catch? I'd throw most of them back and burn Caldera's eyes out of his head before handing him over to the demons who force feed the damned burning piles of shit straight out of their own rectums (the damned's rectums, not the demons! Because it seems worse somehow. You'd expect to eat a demon's burning shit. But you wouldn't expect to eat your own burning shit! You wouldn't even expect your shit to burn! At least not when you haven't had a linguiça and jalapeño pizza the night before).
Neron takes Caldera to Superman's corpse where Caldera becomes the new Man of Steel. At this point, the old¹ me would suggest he fly right out and fuck Lois Lane because that would be hot. But the new me is all, "That would basically be rape and I shouldn't condone it even if these are fictional characters and also fucking Lois Lane would be hot." It just wouldn't be right to fuck Lois Lane, no matter how hot it is, without being honest about who you are! She has never said yes to Caldera's dick, no matter how many times she's screamed, "Yes!", because of Superman's.
On another note, Caldera seems to only need three superhero souls to fulfill his contract with Neron. Why the pentagram then? I'd suspect that The Flash counts for more than one soul because he's so powerful if the other two souls weren't Jason Todd, a non-super-powered jerk-face, and Deadman, a useless circus ghost. How can Neron be happy with this catch? I'd throw most of them back and burn Caldera's eyes out of his head before handing him over to the demons who force feed the damned burning piles of shit straight out of their own rectums (the damned's rectums, not the demons! Because it seems worse somehow. You'd expect to eat a demon's burning shit. But you wouldn't expect to eat your own burning shit! You wouldn't even expect your shit to burn! At least not when you haven't had a linguiça and jalapeño pizza the night before).
Neron takes Caldera to Superman's corpse where Caldera becomes the new Man of Steel. At this point, the old¹ me would suggest he fly right out and fuck Lois Lane because that would be hot. But the new me is all, "That would basically be rape and I shouldn't condone it even if these are fictional characters and also fucking Lois Lane would be hot." It just wouldn't be right to fuck Lois Lane, no matter how hot it is, without being honest about who you are! She has never said yes to Caldera's dick, no matter how many times she's screamed, "Yes!", because of Superman's.
Idiot. Superman just died! You think Neron can't make sure he'll die again?
Caldera seems to have forgotten that Superman's weakness is magic and that Neron and about five thousand other characters in the DC Universe can do magic. Also we just learned last issue that one of Superman's other weaknesses is being punched in the face to death. Why can't it happen again almost immediately? Especially when you mouth off to the demon who just gave Superman's body to you! I don't think you sign a contract with a demon and then when the contract seems fulfilled, you pull your pants down and wave your ass at the demon and call his mother a lousy whore (the whore part isn't the insult. The insult is that she's lousy at it).
Pardon me a second. I have to go ask some Alpha Cucks on Twitter if eating another man makes you gay.
Okay, I'm back. Anyway, Gay Neron really gets one over on that idiot Caldera. Unless Caldera has some other trick up his sleeve, like a sword he can use to hack his way out of Gay Neron's stomach. No wait. Caldera doesn't have any sleeves! So he's fucked. Unless he's got a rectum of steel (which he almost had but certainly doesn't now), he really has no other place to hide a sword.
Gay Neron mentions that he needs two more souls to complete his project which, I mean, of course he does! Apparently I know more about magic rituals than Caldera and all I did was once listen to Ozzy's "Mr. Crowley" and instantly started worshiping Satan². I guess you could say I had a natural flare for being a selfish douche who occasionally cursed people³ with my magic abilities.
Gay Neron mentions that he needs two more souls to complete his project which, I mean, of course he does! Apparently I know more about magic rituals than Caldera and all I did was once listen to Ozzy's "Mr. Crowley" and instantly started worshiping Satan². I guess you could say I had a natural flare for being a selfish douche who occasionally cursed people³ with my magic abilities.
Gay Neron used Caldera simply to have a little treat in the middle of the job.
Deadman escapes the soul cage by possessing a demon cherub for a brief moment. Then he dives into an orange rectum which, if I understand Hell correctly, is probably the only way out. I would scan the picture but nobody wants to see Deadman double-fisting a huge asshole as he flies face first into it. Oh wait. If I were a reader, I'd totally want to see that!
Sorry for getting everybody aroused with this filth.
When Deadman escapes Hell, he finds himself in the future. Superman has returned to life although he's unrecognizable in his black outfit and super hip mullet. Only Dan Jurgens, a man who died sometime in the mid-eighties and had his brain transferred to a read-only tape cassette so that he couldn't create new memories would think Superman looked cool in his new post-death look.
Deadman arrives in Coast City which has already been destroyed by Cyborg Superman and turned into an infant Warworld by Mongul. Gay Neron is here somewhere hunting down Green Lantern's soul. Unless he's hunting Parallax's soul? I have no idea when all that dumb shit happens.
Deadman arrives in Coast City which has already been destroyed by Cyborg Superman and turned into an infant Warworld by Mongul. Gay Neron is here somewhere hunting down Green Lantern's soul. Unless he's hunting Parallax's soul? I have no idea when all that dumb shit happens.
Oh, I guess he is recognizable.
Punisher Superman gets his ass kicked by Mongul. Superman really needs to rethink this whole act of going toe-to-toe with big muscular aliens. Is it possible that over half of Superman's body is composed of his testicles?
Hal Jordan arrives just in time to save Superman by tackling Mongul. If Mongul weren't so embarrassed by his tiny pecker, he could easily defeat Hal Jordan by stripping naked. I've never seen Mongul's penis but anybody who creates Warworld over and over again is compensating for something. Deadman helps Hal Jordan defeat Mongul by leaving one of Steel's hammers in the exact spot that he knows Mongul will beat Hal's face in. Hal stumbles upon it just before Mongul kills him and turns the tables on Mongul. Deadman leaves immediately because what else could happen? Gay Neron's plans have been foiled, right?! He's down to two souls and he failed to get Hal's. It's fucking over, man!
No wait. There's still half of this issue and one more after this! Fucking Deadman. Get back here and help out!
Hal Jordan arrives just in time to save Superman by tackling Mongul. If Mongul weren't so embarrassed by his tiny pecker, he could easily defeat Hal Jordan by stripping naked. I've never seen Mongul's penis but anybody who creates Warworld over and over again is compensating for something. Deadman helps Hal Jordan defeat Mongul by leaving one of Steel's hammers in the exact spot that he knows Mongul will beat Hal's face in. Hal stumbles upon it just before Mongul kills him and turns the tables on Mongul. Deadman leaves immediately because what else could happen? Gay Neron's plans have been foiled, right?! He's down to two souls and he failed to get Hal's. It's fucking over, man!
No wait. There's still half of this issue and one more after this! Fucking Deadman. Get back here and help out!
Mongul didn't get naked but Supes and Steel did! Why couldn't Supergirl? I want to see her naked even if she is actually an amorphous blob.
After the battle, Deadman taunts Gay Neron but Gay Neron is all, "No wait! Actually, I won, you stupid jerk!" He then recites an epic poem about Hal Jordan's future, how he goes crazy from grief, murders all the Green Lanterns, and then becomes the Wrath of God! And somehow this means Gay Neron will get enough souls to become the ruler of Hell. It's a good plan if you don't think about it too much. Gay Neron also erases Deadman's memory, just in case Deadman's thinking of trying to stop him one last time which he is because there's one more issue.
Dead Again #4 Rating: C. This issue was kind of cheating because even though Hal went nuts and became a huge murderer and the opposite of a hero, he didn't die. But they had to work "Hal's Darkest Day" into this series. Hasn't any other big hero died that they could have used? What about Wonder Woman? Surely⁴ she's died a few times. Anyway, I can't praise a plot that uses the whole, "Ha ha! You didn't actually defeat me! You defeating me was my plan all along, you stupid bastard! Ah ha ha ha ha!" Hmm. Maybe I'll make that the plot of my next Dungeons and Dragons campaign! Nobody'll see it coming because I despise it so much!
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¹ "Old" as in "two weeks ago."
² In my heart! I never actually read up on anything or did any work. I'm basically a Tao Satanist.
³ Two curses that I actually performed that somehow worked: 1. I cursed my cousin with hiccoughs which he had for nearly 24 hours; 2. I cursed a bicyclist riding recklessly to immediately crash.
⁴ Don't call me Shirley.
Dead Again #4 Rating: C. This issue was kind of cheating because even though Hal went nuts and became a huge murderer and the opposite of a hero, he didn't die. But they had to work "Hal's Darkest Day" into this series. Hasn't any other big hero died that they could have used? What about Wonder Woman? Surely⁴ she's died a few times. Anyway, I can't praise a plot that uses the whole, "Ha ha! You didn't actually defeat me! You defeating me was my plan all along, you stupid bastard! Ah ha ha ha ha!" Hmm. Maybe I'll make that the plot of my next Dungeons and Dragons campaign! Nobody'll see it coming because I despise it so much!
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¹ "Old" as in "two weeks ago."
² In my heart! I never actually read up on anything or did any work. I'm basically a Tao Satanist.
³ Two curses that I actually performed that somehow worked: 1. I cursed my cousin with hiccoughs which he had for nearly 24 hours; 2. I cursed a bicyclist riding recklessly to immediately crash.
⁴ Don't call me Shirley.
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