John knew how intense this fight was going to be so he rolled up his sleeves. But just a little bit.
I don't know why I focused so much on the artist's fuck up of John's costume (obviously giving John Hal's forearm covering white gloves but then making them John's skin tone (which is kind of orange here but that's a different complaint)) and not on why Star Sapphire has four tons of hair on her head. She looks like one of those idiotic supers who have "hair" as their superpower, like Godiva or Medusa. If my super power was "hair," I'd just keep it cut short and live like a normie.
John Stewart's wife was killed by Star Sapphire so you can imagine how badly John Stewart wants to kill Star Sapphire's husband. She doesn't have one though so killing Hal Jordan will have to do. Unless he decides to kill Star Sapphire which might be actual justice and not Biblical justice. Biblical justice is when something bad happens so somebody not directly involved in the injustice is punished. Like God destroying two whole cities because some hitchhikers wanted to fuck a stranger, or Noah cursing his son's children when it was his son who looked at his naked wiener, or when Levi and Simeon murdered all the men of Canaan, stole all their goods, and kidnapped the women and children because Shechem raped their sister Dinah. Or when Jesus was crucified by the Romans and Jewish leaders but then everybody for all time was punished by having to hear Christians go on and on and on about their stupid religion. Or, the most egregious injustice perpetrated by the Bible, masturbators being told they're sinning because God and Judah got mad at Onan for disobeying a contract to get his brother's wife pregnant but instead he pulled out and spunked all over the ground. How the fuck that got interpreted as "God hates masturbating" as opposed to "God hates people who break contracts with their fathers just to fuck their brother's hot wife" is the worst injustice of them all! I won't be labeled a sinner for a bunch of religious idiots and their poor comprehension of a Biblical story!
John Stewart's wife was killed by Star Sapphire so you can imagine how badly John Stewart wants to kill Star Sapphire's husband. She doesn't have one though so killing Hal Jordan will have to do. Unless he decides to kill Star Sapphire which might be actual justice and not Biblical justice. Biblical justice is when something bad happens so somebody not directly involved in the injustice is punished. Like God destroying two whole cities because some hitchhikers wanted to fuck a stranger, or Noah cursing his son's children when it was his son who looked at his naked wiener, or when Levi and Simeon murdered all the men of Canaan, stole all their goods, and kidnapped the women and children because Shechem raped their sister Dinah. Or when Jesus was crucified by the Romans and Jewish leaders but then everybody for all time was punished by having to hear Christians go on and on and on about their stupid religion. Or, the most egregious injustice perpetrated by the Bible, masturbators being told they're sinning because God and Judah got mad at Onan for disobeying a contract to get his brother's wife pregnant but instead he pulled out and spunked all over the ground. How the fuck that got interpreted as "God hates masturbating" as opposed to "God hates people who break contracts with their fathers just to fuck their brother's hot wife" is the worst injustice of them all! I won't be labeled a sinner for a bunch of religious idiots and their poor comprehension of a Biblical story!
This bitch is 60% hair.
Obviously I used "bitch" in that caption as in "I'm so fucking jealous of the way this woman is serving cunt that I'm going to act like an envious little twat" and not in a misogynistic way at all!
Now that that's cleared up, let's see how John Stewart chooses to murder Star Sapphire. Or attempts to murder her, apparently. I just glanced at the cover of Issue #24 and the header reads, "The Death of Star Sapphire!" So maybe I should just skip this issue?
Now that that's cleared up, let's see how John Stewart chooses to murder Star Sapphire. Or attempts to murder her, apparently. I just glanced at the cover of Issue #24 and the header reads, "The Death of Star Sapphire!" So maybe I should just skip this issue?
Damn! This chick is horny. No way I'm skipping this shit.
I would like to go back to high school (as the young person I was! Not as an old man!) and do it all over again now that I realize just how horny all the women around me had been. You think you're the only one whose loins are throbbing. Meanwhile, there's that meek shy girl you barely noticed sitting beside you frothing up her underwear because you've glanced at her three times.
When I first read this at 20, I was probably afraid of Star Sapphire. Now I think I'm in love with her.
Why is Hal so frightened by a strong woman who knows exactly what she wants in the space bedroom? Hal probably thinks men should always make the passes and control the fuck-purse strings. I don't know what a fuck-purse is but you know what? I'd probably fuck it.
Hal flees because he can't get Carol Ferris to stop pawing at his dick with her space sword. After that, the comic book changes scenes so we learn more about the boring space army that purchased Star Sapphire to do their fighting for them. While telling his story, he remembers how he tied Star Sapphire up and she was so turned on that she rubbed one out.
Hal flees because he can't get Carol Ferris to stop pawing at his dick with her space sword. After that, the comic book changes scenes so we learn more about the boring space army that purchased Star Sapphire to do their fighting for them. While telling his story, he remembers how he tied Star Sapphire up and she was so turned on that she rubbed one out.
This comic book is so horny I feel that it's sexually harassing me at this point.
I'm just beginning to understand that people calling the violet band of the emotional spectrum "love" are just being polite. The actual emotion is obviously horniness. Is that an emotion?
I'm tempted to ask why Star Sapphire even cares about Hal Jordan specifically but that just leads me back to the basic philosophical question: why do any women care about men? We're disgusting assholes. And that's not even me trying to be feminist (because feminism isn't about hating men. Duh!). That's me having experienced "guys" my entire life! Women can't fully understand just how awful it is when men forgive something as "locker room talk." Because believe me. Locker room talk was foul and disgusting and caused me to get my thirteen-year-old man boobs grabbed from behind. Anybody who uses "locker room talk" as a justification for something a man says is a fucking monster who actually takes part in "locker room talk." The real translation of "locker room talk" is "being a hideously monstrous fuckbag who loves to torture anybody who seem as if they can't fight back." I only had my little boy titties grabbed once because I freaked the fuck out and turned into a tornado of arms and, um, titties. But that didn't mean I was all, "Ha ha! You guys are hilarious! What a great bunch of guys you are!" Later in high school, my friend Irene began dating one of the guys who grabbed at my little boy titties and I treated him like shit the one time she brought him around. I made sure he wasn't welcome in our group. And I explained to her exactly who that fuckbag was. She didn't date him for long.
Oh! What I was trying to say was this: Hal Jordan must really know how to serve dick if Star Sapphire is this into him.
Kreon refuses to use his army to fight the war with the Quahoogaloos. He will only continue the war if his two main chess pieces are Hal Jordan and Star Sapphire. Seems weird but then who am I to judge the mind of an alien who looks exactly like a human and speaks English and keeps women in boxes? Seems arrogant to try.
I'm tempted to ask why Star Sapphire even cares about Hal Jordan specifically but that just leads me back to the basic philosophical question: why do any women care about men? We're disgusting assholes. And that's not even me trying to be feminist (because feminism isn't about hating men. Duh!). That's me having experienced "guys" my entire life! Women can't fully understand just how awful it is when men forgive something as "locker room talk." Because believe me. Locker room talk was foul and disgusting and caused me to get my thirteen-year-old man boobs grabbed from behind. Anybody who uses "locker room talk" as a justification for something a man says is a fucking monster who actually takes part in "locker room talk." The real translation of "locker room talk" is "being a hideously monstrous fuckbag who loves to torture anybody who seem as if they can't fight back." I only had my little boy titties grabbed once because I freaked the fuck out and turned into a tornado of arms and, um, titties. But that didn't mean I was all, "Ha ha! You guys are hilarious! What a great bunch of guys you are!" Later in high school, my friend Irene began dating one of the guys who grabbed at my little boy titties and I treated him like shit the one time she brought him around. I made sure he wasn't welcome in our group. And I explained to her exactly who that fuckbag was. She didn't date him for long.
Oh! What I was trying to say was this: Hal Jordan must really know how to serve dick if Star Sapphire is this into him.
Kreon refuses to use his army to fight the war with the Quahoogaloos. He will only continue the war if his two main chess pieces are Hal Jordan and Star Sapphire. Seems weird but then who am I to judge the mind of an alien who looks exactly like a human and speaks English and keeps women in boxes? Seems arrogant to try.
I'm no longer horny. She took the dirty talk a little too far.
Hal almost brings Carol Ferris out of Star Sapphire by blasting his ring point blank into her face. But she quickly comes to her senses and punches him in the jaw before wrapping her legs around him and choking him out.
I wish I were more experienced with women because I can't tell if they're fighting or fucking now.
Before Hal and Carol can finish whatever verb they're doing to each other, Kreon and Flicker both find them. Flicker tries to capture Star Sapphire but Kreon stops him. This causes them to have a little tiff and a falling out as business partners. It's not pretty. Flicker flounce teleports out of the ship after fucking up the pilot with his whip. Hopefully he's off to go bother Firestorm or Blue Devil where he belongs.
Brik, playing the part of new interested girlfriend to Hal, rescues him and spends a number of panels telling Hal what a fucking bitch Carol is and how she doesn't deserve Hal and how Hal needs to move on and how extremely good rock vagina tastes. She also mentions that she called the other Green Lanterns to come help deal with Star Sapphire.
Brik, playing the part of new interested girlfriend to Hal, rescues him and spends a number of panels telling Hal what a fucking bitch Carol is and how she doesn't deserve Hal and how Hal needs to move on and how extremely good rock vagina tastes. She also mentions that she called the other Green Lanterns to come help deal with Star Sapphire.
I know I should make some crass joke about Hal's sudden concern for John's feelings about the murderer of his wife but all I can think is, "How did Pat Broderick makes Brik's rock tits look so soft?"
Why is everybody in this comic book so horny? I don't want to read about horny people written by Gerard Jones!
Hal realizes he needs to protect Star Sapphire from John. It's at the moment when Hal sees that he needs to fight John Stewart to protect the asshole he loves (because Star Sapphire is an asshole and also because her asshole is super sweet) that Hal Jordan realizes he's hired a bunch of weak jerks as Green Lantern. So he hires Boodika on the spot to kick some fucking ass. Brik gets super jealous. Who wouldn't when your name is "Brik" and her name is "Boodika." I know which one I'd flirt with at the party.
I'm kidding. I wouldn't flirt with any of them at a party. I'd probably be alone on the porch with the party host's cat on my lap.
Brik and AA finally pass out from being stabbed in the stomach by Star Sapphire many, many pages ago so when John arrives much faster than any of the other Green Lantern recruits, Hal realizes he's going to have to finally deal with the baggage from his past. That baggage being how his girlfriend killed his best bud's wife and which he decided nobody should ever talk about ever again. John probably didn't realize that was weird because John wound up having to feel super duper guilty about getting everybody on an entire planet killed. But who cares about that now? He's got a wife killer to kill! And Hal Jordan's dead body to step over to do it!
Green Lantern #23 Rating: A. Was this an A comic book? I don't know. I don't fucking care, really. But I really enjoyed how much violence Star Sapphire wanted to add to her fucking. That intrigued me. But only in a voyeuristic way! I don't want to get hurt while nutting! That sounds antithetical to the whole nutting thing. I really have to read these stupid comic books quicker if I'm to make any headway in the twenty or so short boxes of old comics I've been meaning to re-read before I die. Maybe I should write shorter reviews like when I read Marv Wolfman's The New Teen Titans! But then I sometimes think, "Those were so bad! I wish I'd written more while reading them! Just imagine how many of Marv Wolfman's feelings I could have hurt! Ha ha! I'm a monster!"
Hal realizes he needs to protect Star Sapphire from John. It's at the moment when Hal sees that he needs to fight John Stewart to protect the asshole he loves (because Star Sapphire is an asshole and also because her asshole is super sweet) that Hal Jordan realizes he's hired a bunch of weak jerks as Green Lantern. So he hires Boodika on the spot to kick some fucking ass. Brik gets super jealous. Who wouldn't when your name is "Brik" and her name is "Boodika." I know which one I'd flirt with at the party.
I'm kidding. I wouldn't flirt with any of them at a party. I'd probably be alone on the porch with the party host's cat on my lap.
Brik and AA finally pass out from being stabbed in the stomach by Star Sapphire many, many pages ago so when John arrives much faster than any of the other Green Lantern recruits, Hal realizes he's going to have to finally deal with the baggage from his past. That baggage being how his girlfriend killed his best bud's wife and which he decided nobody should ever talk about ever again. John probably didn't realize that was weird because John wound up having to feel super duper guilty about getting everybody on an entire planet killed. But who cares about that now? He's got a wife killer to kill! And Hal Jordan's dead body to step over to do it!
Green Lantern #23 Rating: A. Was this an A comic book? I don't know. I don't fucking care, really. But I really enjoyed how much violence Star Sapphire wanted to add to her fucking. That intrigued me. But only in a voyeuristic way! I don't want to get hurt while nutting! That sounds antithetical to the whole nutting thing. I really have to read these stupid comic books quicker if I'm to make any headway in the twenty or so short boxes of old comics I've been meaning to re-read before I die. Maybe I should write shorter reviews like when I read Marv Wolfman's The New Teen Titans! But then I sometimes think, "Those were so bad! I wish I'd written more while reading them! Just imagine how many of Marv Wolfman's feelings I could have hurt! Ha ha! I'm a monster!"
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