+5 Sword of Purple Polka Dots
I'm currently reading Robert E. Howard's original Conan short stories while also rewatching Game of Thrones so if you checked the Task Manager of my mind, my CPU would be running Dungeons & Dragons at 98%. I'm desperate to revisit my Zweihänder campaign reimagined as a Dungeons & Dragons campaign. It wouldn't so much be reimagined as be a continuation of the campaign just set further down the timeline of the "island" it took place on. Oh, I've also been rewatching the original '70s Land of the Lost and realizing how many parallels it has with Lost and subconsciously incorporating its themes into my Zweihänder campaign (which already has a few nods to Lost in it). After I rewatch Land of the Lost, I'm going to re-rewatch it and write about it. It's pretty fascinating for a kids show.
I've also been transferring my The New Teen Titans reviews from Tumblr to Blogger so that the current links I have for them don't direct to entirely different site that's far worse for these kinds of review posts. I've been changing and adapting them but posting them to the date they were originally written. So if you're interested in reading about how much I actually hated that series (but didn't realize how much I hated it at the time because I thought Marv Wolfman was simply writing the definitive version of Dick Grayson and that version was a whiny shit), you can find the links HERE. I've only done the first twenty but am looking to do ten at a time every other day or so. So keep checking back!
What I haven't been doing is reading comic books! I blame Hal Jordan and my lack of interest in his space cop adventures. Reality is already full of cops who act without thinking for me to give a shit about a fantastic one with the ultimate weapon of power and an subconscious hatred of women. Unless it's purely conscious. But I don't think it is. I'll at least give him the benefit of that doubt, what with him being such a great Western-style hero and all.
Was that last sentence sarcastic? It may have been. My sarcasm and cynicism meters are so broken from having lived fifty years in the United States of America that I can't tell anymore. Like, I do love westerns and the lone hero types who act as needed and risk their lives for others. But they're also mostly subconscious women haters when they're not overt women haters. Probably also racist. And would throw up at the thought of a fat, veiny dick going into another man's mouth. Mmm. That sounds like a candy bar commercial crying out to be made. Probably Snickers. Are Snickers still thick and veiny?
Currently the new recruit and potential new recruit Green Lanterns are chasing after Flicker and Space J. Jonah Jameson on Hal's orders. I think one of the new recruits is based on Tweety Bird.
I've also been transferring my The New Teen Titans reviews from Tumblr to Blogger so that the current links I have for them don't direct to entirely different site that's far worse for these kinds of review posts. I've been changing and adapting them but posting them to the date they were originally written. So if you're interested in reading about how much I actually hated that series (but didn't realize how much I hated it at the time because I thought Marv Wolfman was simply writing the definitive version of Dick Grayson and that version was a whiny shit), you can find the links HERE. I've only done the first twenty but am looking to do ten at a time every other day or so. So keep checking back!
What I haven't been doing is reading comic books! I blame Hal Jordan and my lack of interest in his space cop adventures. Reality is already full of cops who act without thinking for me to give a shit about a fantastic one with the ultimate weapon of power and an subconscious hatred of women. Unless it's purely conscious. But I don't think it is. I'll at least give him the benefit of that doubt, what with him being such a great Western-style hero and all.
Was that last sentence sarcastic? It may have been. My sarcasm and cynicism meters are so broken from having lived fifty years in the United States of America that I can't tell anymore. Like, I do love westerns and the lone hero types who act as needed and risk their lives for others. But they're also mostly subconscious women haters when they're not overt women haters. Probably also racist. And would throw up at the thought of a fat, veiny dick going into another man's mouth. Mmm. That sounds like a candy bar commercial crying out to be made. Probably Snickers. Are Snickers still thick and veiny?
Currently the new recruit and potential new recruit Green Lanterns are chasing after Flicker and Space J. Jonah Jameson on Hal's orders. I think one of the new recruits is based on Tweety Bird.
AA would have made a terrible Nazi.
My observation of AA simply means he has the potential to be my friend. The first thing I ask myself when I meet somebody is, "Would this person make a good Nazi?" And if the answer is "no", I give them a chance. My second question is, "Would this person be a good citizen in Asimov's Foundation?" And if the answer is, "No, they're basically the Mule," then they become my best friend in the whole world. My third question is, "Do they believe Ayn Rand is a genius philosopher and writer?" And since I've already answered the first question about being a good Nazi, I probably don't have to even ask that one. Only people who would make a good Nazi think Ayn Rand was a genius.
Listen, brother. If you're read Anthem and you think it's a great work of genius and not a fucked up, illogical, misogynistic piece of shit where the main character acts like a deluded child and believes that everything they learned and gained they did by themselves, you might have the reading comprehension of a person who enjoys Ayn Rand. Sure that was a cyclical argument! But that's because it was meant as a major burn!
Listen, brother. If you're read Anthem and you think it's a great work of genius and not a fucked up, illogical, misogynistic piece of shit where the main character acts like a deluded child and believes that everything they learned and gained they did by themselves, you might have the reading comprehension of a person who enjoys Ayn Rand. Sure that was a cyclical argument! But that's because it was meant as a major burn!
Awesome! The Green Lanterns, who have amazing willpower, will attempt to avoid masturbating for 22 pages!
That last caption was me assuming that everybody still has Seinfeld burned into their cultural memory. If you don't, forget about it. Just try to picture Hal Jordan trying not to masturbate. He could probably go for years with his great willpower. Maybe he has! Maybe that's why he acts like he's so pent up!
Wait a second. Isn't it canon that Batman doesn't do cunnilingus? Is it also DC canon that their characters don't jerk off?
I just noticed that the ship exiting subspace looks sort of like a boner.
The space battle Brik, Kworri, and AA find themselves at the edge of consists of the Quahooga and the Tebis. They're both clients of Space J. Jonah Jameson because he doesn't have any ideals except making money. Not that "making money" is an ideal. But some people think it is. Some people think "making money" gives purpose and meaning to their lives. Some people think "making money" itself is a moral good and a peak philosophy. But then, some people are simply assholes.
Kreon, the commander of the Tebis army, seems upset with the prospect of Space Mercenary LinkedIn selling slaves to both sides of a battle. But Flicker is all, "If it were up to me, I would only sell to you! Invest in my business, Better Space Mercenary LinkedIn, and I will only sell to you!" For some reason, Kreon likes the sound of this business model. He was just saying, before Flicker appeared, how Flicker lacks any ethics and now he takes him at his word that his headhunting business won't practice the same unethical tactics as Space J. Jonah Jameson's business? Kreon may be a genius at waging space wars but he's an idiot in the business room.
Remember how I wrote that Gerard Jones was going to be throwing down some really great satire about business and capitalism? This is a good example! Flicker is just a shitty venture capitalist trying to get some idiot to invest in a company that already exists by pointing out how his company, which is totally different (but isn't! Just wanted to clarify that! It's part of the satire!), will break the status quo of temp agency slave traders. It's pretty spot on!
Wait a second. Isn't it canon that Batman doesn't do cunnilingus? Is it also DC canon that their characters don't jerk off?
I just noticed that the ship exiting subspace looks sort of like a boner.
The space battle Brik, Kworri, and AA find themselves at the edge of consists of the Quahooga and the Tebis. They're both clients of Space J. Jonah Jameson because he doesn't have any ideals except making money. Not that "making money" is an ideal. But some people think it is. Some people think "making money" gives purpose and meaning to their lives. Some people think "making money" itself is a moral good and a peak philosophy. But then, some people are simply assholes.
Kreon, the commander of the Tebis army, seems upset with the prospect of Space Mercenary LinkedIn selling slaves to both sides of a battle. But Flicker is all, "If it were up to me, I would only sell to you! Invest in my business, Better Space Mercenary LinkedIn, and I will only sell to you!" For some reason, Kreon likes the sound of this business model. He was just saying, before Flicker appeared, how Flicker lacks any ethics and now he takes him at his word that his headhunting business won't practice the same unethical tactics as Space J. Jonah Jameson's business? Kreon may be a genius at waging space wars but he's an idiot in the business room.
Remember how I wrote that Gerard Jones was going to be throwing down some really great satire about business and capitalism? This is a good example! Flicker is just a shitty venture capitalist trying to get some idiot to invest in a company that already exists by pointing out how his company, which is totally different (but isn't! Just wanted to clarify that! It's part of the satire!), will break the status quo of temp agency slave traders. It's pretty spot on!
Seven pages in and Hal Jordan has yet to jerk it. He's going to win for sure.
For some reason, I've inextricably linked masturbation and the Green Lantern Corps. For another reason (my terrible memory), I can't remember exactly how. I think it had something to do with Krona observing a hand jerking off to create the universe. But then the hand turned out to be the Anti-monitor's hand and it was trying to destroy the universe so the Green Lantern Corps was created to stop all masturbation (which is why it is based on willpower), being that it was both an act of creation and an act of destruction. But then in The New 52, Krona observed the jerk off hand had a Green Lantern ring on it and he was all, "Oh no! Green Lantern's are masturbating!" But then it turned out the hand was Volthoom's hand and he really, really wanted to stop all masturbation so he invented a new corps, The Third Army, that not only had great willpower but also no genitalia to fiddle with. At this point, the Green Lantern Corps learned that masturbation was needed to save the universe from Volthoom and his anti-masturbation army. Guy Gardner was the perfect Green Lantern for this battle because he jerks it all the time and all over the place and, most of all, all over Ice's face and body and butthole.
Here's Guy Gardner trying to keep the Third Army from stealing all of the Green Lantern's cocks so the GLC stop masturbating.
And here's a picture of Guy Gardner losing The Contest during this issue.
Fucking a motorcycle is technically masturbation, so don't come at me with all the motorcyclephile shit in the comments.
AA continues to prove how totally not a Nazi he is.
AA continues to prove how totally not a Nazi he is.
It's really getting on Hal's nerves.
At heart, all Space Cops are authoritarians. So Hal really would rather have a good Nazi as a new member than some ethically minded jerk who questions every fucking order. Get out of here with that nonsense, AA! You're going to get somebody killed! And by "somebody," I mean a space cop. Obviously you're trying to get non-space cops not killed which is entirely the wrong way to think if you're a space cop. You don't want to wind up with a green bullet hole in your back during the next space battle, do you?!
While Hal Jordan uses Corps resources to help him track down his ex-lover whom he wants to make his ex-ex-lover, Flicker whips the head off of Space J. Jonah Jameson.
While Hal Jordan uses Corps resources to help him track down his ex-lover whom he wants to make his ex-ex-lover, Flicker whips the head off of Space J. Jonah Jameson.
You don't expect this level of violence and gore from a guy in a ruffled collar.
Brik questions why she should help Hal find Star Sapphire when it just means she's helping Hal find somebody else to love. She also realizes every new recruit they find means Hal will be headed back to Earth and away from her. Why is nobody looking at the big picture anymore?! They're all consumed with their own feelings. Except for AA! He's the only one concerned about space justice. What the fuck is has this comic become? Space Degrassi Junior High?!
Kworri discovers Star Sapphire's location by destroying a Teban space ship and "questioning" a few of the surviving crew. Hal praises him for his good detective work of murder and destruction because I guess Hal thinks the ends justifies the means, especially when the ends are "find the vagina I love to put my penis in." When Hal learns that Star Sapphire is kept imprisoned in crystal on Commander Kreon's ship, he rushes off halfcocked (ha ha! That's a chubby dick joke!) to find her, leaving the new recruits to float around thinking, "Is this standard Green Lantern Corps tactics?!"
Oh shit. I just learned that AA is female! Whoops. How was I supposed to know?! She presents as a boring rock creature. That read male to me! Maybe I should have realized that her logical, well-thought out arguments for justice and peace were way more feminine than everybody else's "let's fuck shit up" ideology. At first I thought AA's need to question every order was the reason she wouldn't be picked as the new recruit. But now that I've found out she's female, Hal's got an even better reason not to pick her. Although I think Hal will realize by the end of this story arc that he needs somebody who questions more than somebody who follows every order. Plus AA and her willingness to question will be the reason they recover Star Sapphire (spoiler!).
Hal Jordan finds Star Sapphire but only then realizes he's fallen into Flicker's trap! Flicker threatens to kill Star Sapphire if Hal doesn't do as he says and Hal is all, "Okay! Okay! You've got me! I'll put down the ring slowly if you let her go!" Kworri and Brik are all, "Okay, yeah! That seems reasonable! Let's surrender and give Flicker everything he wants just so he doesn't harm Hal's evil ex!"
Kworri discovers Star Sapphire's location by destroying a Teban space ship and "questioning" a few of the surviving crew. Hal praises him for his good detective work of murder and destruction because I guess Hal thinks the ends justifies the means, especially when the ends are "find the vagina I love to put my penis in." When Hal learns that Star Sapphire is kept imprisoned in crystal on Commander Kreon's ship, he rushes off halfcocked (ha ha! That's a chubby dick joke!) to find her, leaving the new recruits to float around thinking, "Is this standard Green Lantern Corps tactics?!"
Oh shit. I just learned that AA is female! Whoops. How was I supposed to know?! She presents as a boring rock creature. That read male to me! Maybe I should have realized that her logical, well-thought out arguments for justice and peace were way more feminine than everybody else's "let's fuck shit up" ideology. At first I thought AA's need to question every order was the reason she wouldn't be picked as the new recruit. But now that I've found out she's female, Hal's got an even better reason not to pick her. Although I think Hal will realize by the end of this story arc that he needs somebody who questions more than somebody who follows every order. Plus AA and her willingness to question will be the reason they recover Star Sapphire (spoiler!).
Hal Jordan finds Star Sapphire but only then realizes he's fallen into Flicker's trap! Flicker threatens to kill Star Sapphire if Hal doesn't do as he says and Hal is all, "Okay! Okay! You've got me! I'll put down the ring slowly if you let her go!" Kworri and Brik are all, "Okay, yeah! That seems reasonable! Let's surrender and give Flicker everything he wants just so he doesn't harm Hal's evil ex!"
Thankfully AA continues to have John Stuart Mill at the front of her mind.
AA throws a space urn at Flicker's head with the use of her ring while Hal screams, "No!" But Hal is wrong and realizes he's wrong when the urn causes Flicker to miss with his laser. Hal takes Flicker down while Brik blasts Flicker's whip, leaving him impotent.
As an owner of a penis, this panel makes me extremely uncomfortable.
Flicker manages to teleport away because the Green Lanterns apparently have no ability to stop somebody from doing that. It's disappointing but capturing Flicker wasn't Hal's main goal anyway. They now have Star Sapphire and that's all Hal really care about anyway. It's time to flee!
Once away from the space battle, Kworri demands Hal choose the new recruit. And of course he chooses AA. He explains he knew from the beginning she was the right choice. But I think he really only chose her because she helped save Star Sapphire while Kworri just agreed with everything Hal said. Brik appreciates Hal's explanation that somebody who questions his leadership often helps more than somebody who follows orders and resolves to try to use her own judgment too. But she's totally in love with Hal so I don't see that happening too often. Star Sapphire agrees with me after she wakes up and decides it's time to kill Hal and his new girlfriend.
I would scan another picture of Star Sapphire attacking Hal on the final page but I think the cover had that covered already.
Green Lantern #22 Rating: B+. AA really is a standout character within the new Green Lantern Corps. Although more so than the others? I don't know. Gerard Jones has done a really fantastic job of building up these new recruits from one or two crumbs of characters to make them individuals who stand out within the group structure. Even Kworri would make a good new recruit when they eventually need even more Green Lantern Corps cannon fodder. Sometimes the old Corps just felt like a bunch of weird creatures and a handful of good looking alien females whom Hal could fuck. Gerard Johns has taken the concept of aliens in an army and worked it from a much deeper and less superficial place. Sure, their looks often tie in to their personalities but it's those personalities which really make them stand out. I can't wait for a story where the new mushroom Green Lantern farts cosmic consciousness during a lunch on Oa and everybody starts tripping balls, only to eventually become much more sensitive and empathetic beings!
Once away from the space battle, Kworri demands Hal choose the new recruit. And of course he chooses AA. He explains he knew from the beginning she was the right choice. But I think he really only chose her because she helped save Star Sapphire while Kworri just agreed with everything Hal said. Brik appreciates Hal's explanation that somebody who questions his leadership often helps more than somebody who follows orders and resolves to try to use her own judgment too. But she's totally in love with Hal so I don't see that happening too often. Star Sapphire agrees with me after she wakes up and decides it's time to kill Hal and his new girlfriend.
I would scan another picture of Star Sapphire attacking Hal on the final page but I think the cover had that covered already.
Green Lantern #22 Rating: B+. AA really is a standout character within the new Green Lantern Corps. Although more so than the others? I don't know. Gerard Jones has done a really fantastic job of building up these new recruits from one or two crumbs of characters to make them individuals who stand out within the group structure. Even Kworri would make a good new recruit when they eventually need even more Green Lantern Corps cannon fodder. Sometimes the old Corps just felt like a bunch of weird creatures and a handful of good looking alien females whom Hal could fuck. Gerard Johns has taken the concept of aliens in an army and worked it from a much deeper and less superficial place. Sure, their looks often tie in to their personalities but it's those personalities which really make them stand out. I can't wait for a story where the new mushroom Green Lantern farts cosmic consciousness during a lunch on Oa and everybody starts tripping balls, only to eventually become much more sensitive and empathetic beings!
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