Justice League: Gods and Monsters #3

This pseudo-X-Men story even has a Sentinel!

This comic book series asks the big question that nobody really wants a fucking super hero comic book to ask but it won't shut the fuck up about it. It's like a two year old constantly asking question after question! If you want to know when five hours is up so I'll let you out of the closet, learn to tell time, you parasite! Um, anyway, the question being asked is this: What if our heroes were scary and out of control monsters instead of loving and peaceful gods like the ones none of our religions are actually founded on? You know how you're supposed to love and fear God at the same time? That also makes him a monster, right? How can one feel safe when the person supposed to be keeping them safe also scares the shit out of them? Do we really want people like that in power? That's a rhetorical question because apparently most people in America want monsters in power. But I digress so let me start a new paragraph.

At some point in the modern age, writers decided to let reality intrude in comic books. No longer could stories be about a heroic figure that exemplified goodwill and compassion whom everybody trusted implicitly. Perhaps that gray (or grey) area had always been there because Stan Lee was all, "What if the Fantastic Four had real problems?! Kids would be way more into that than those gay characters at National Comics! Or DC, depending on what they were called at the time. Who knows? I'm just a fictional version of Stan Lee who forgot that 'gay' had a very different connotation in whatever decade I'm supposed to be in while saying this! Not to mention that it's way inappropriate to use 'gay' as an insult in whatever actual decade the person is in who is reading this right now! Unless 'gay' makes a huge comeback as an insult in the next century after the Homoerotic Wars of 2115! Hopefully the internet survives that long and isn't destroyed by trolls and anti-trolls and anti-anti-trolls!"

I forgot what my point was again.

Oh yeah! At some point, comic book writers felt like they were destroying any suspension of disbelief if they didn't acknowledge all of the grey (or gray) areas that would exist if a superhero were in the real world. And from there, every single story became some version of the stupid fucking absolute power corrupts saying. You know the one. I think it was from the preface of The Art of War by Richard Marx. This story is kind of like that. What if the Justice League were here to help save the world from threats but they were so fucking scary that nobody realized they were actually trying to help? A vampire?! A super strong woman capable of stepping over a puddle on her own and opening her own doors?! A Mexican-immigrant that didn't need a helping hand from liberals?! Holy shit! I need a new pair of underwear already!

You know what was really scary? Dr. Phibes Rises Again! It was on last night when I got home from work and I think it was a horror movie? Or a comedy? Or one of those Abbot and Costello/Universal Monsters mashups? I couldn't really tell because it was making me laugh when I think I was supposed to be horrified.

The other problem with this series (at least in the first two issues) is that it just felt like an X-men versus the Brotherhood of Evil story. A bunch of super powered people fighting to determine which super powered people's attitude toward normal people would win out. Are they their saviors? Are they their superiors? Are they supposed to protect them or enslave them?! Do they act condescending and patronizing constantly or just sometimes? Well, the Brotherhood of Evil was mostly destroyed at the end of Issue Two but now the Justice-Men have to battle a Sentinel with the mind of Alpert Magneto inside of it. And all the while, Lois Lane is writing a scathing article about the Justice League. I would have said "expose" instead of "article" but I can't be bothered to figure out how to do an e with an accent on it.

Come on, Wonder Woman! Do you think you should judge everybody by who they were fifty years ago?! People can change! Look at me?! I'm no longer a non-existent nothing! I've developed into an actual human being with sentience and existence and the ability to fill up space and waste time! Go me!

As the Justice League battle Imperiex the Sentinel, Lois Lane describes the battle in her story. Somehow she has access to reports on the battle from people who also weren't at the battle and she admits in her article that she doesn't even know if the events she's describing actually happened. Some fucking reporter! You know Clark Kent never hedged about the veracity of his Superman stories! He was a great reporter!

Imperiex's plan is to download his consciousness into every single living person on Earth so that everybody will get along and have a good time. I suppose that would work although it seems to be the comic book fascist go-to plan! Assimilation equals paradise! Doesn't Imperiex realize how boring it will be if he is everybody? He'll never again feel the excitement of another person reaching down the front of his trousers for the first time because he'll be that person and he'll know it's coming and he's done it so many times before that it won't ever be the first time again! Not that I'll ever experience that feeling again either unless somebody surprises me and does it without my consent. Wink, wink. The winking was my consent but not really consent because I can't be a party to asking somebody to do that because I'm in a committed relationship!

Imperiex hypnotizes the Justice League and uses them to battle the humans while he begins downloading his consciousness. So the Justice League kills a bunch of innocent people who are trying to defend the world. This is more of that crap that happens in modern comic books that shouldn't fucking happen because it ruins the ultimate reason for having superhero comic books in the first place. If the populace believes the heroes are a threat to mankind while the heroes deny that they're dangerous because their intentions are good but then become mind-controlled and threaten the populace, the heroes are a threat to the populace! They can't be both heroes and villains and still simply be heroes. Once they're used by a villain to kill a single person, the hero is a danger to the world and needs to take responsibility to protect the world from themselves. I'm not interested in tainting heroes like this. If people really enjoyed stories like this, newspapers wouldn't be tanking all over the country. Because they're all about people in authority failing the people they're supposed to be helping! Did you get that in my previous statement? Did I need to explain myself because I felt I needed to explain myself. I just don't trust that anybody reading anything on the internet is smart enough to understand anything they're reading. Oh, I know they'll purposefully misunderstand anything they can so they can rant and rave about whatever fucking issue they're dealing with! But do they have any actual reading comprehension at all? I tend to err on the side of "they don't."

Anyway, Wonder Woman's Mother Box saves the Justice League from Imperiex's mind-control and then Boom Tubes the combatants to Pripyat where they could destroy as much property as they wanted without anybody getting hurt. If by "anybody" you mean human beings. I'm sure lots of wildlife were killed. Although who cares because they were probably mutants and evolutionary dead-ends anyway!

Should a reporter be this cynical, sarcastic, and biased?! I mean, I know critics should be that way! But Lois Lane is a respected reporter and not me!

There's more fighting. Lots of fighting. Punches and shit. It all comes down to fighting! But not just fighting individually! They need to work together! They need to become the Justice League! And later, Lois Lane will write a poorly researched article (I suppose she's just writing an "editorial" but then why am I reading it?!) about the events so that everybody gets riled up against the Justice League. Or so she can prove that she wasn't fooled if they ever do go rogue. She can point back at this horrible article she wrote when they first appeared on the scene as the Justice League and scream, "See?! See! I warned you! I warned everybody! Pay attention to me!" But nobody will pay attention to her because they'll be fleeing for their lives as the city is destroyed around them and Lois Lane's "I told you so"s.

Lois Lane's article quotes from some government testimonials given by the Justice League after the battle. They're interspersed with Lois Lane's written eyerolls and jerking off motions.

The Justice League defeats and kills Imperiex. After that, the United States government invades Russia to pick them up.

Who are the real monsters?! Probably critics like me!

Lois Lane does makes some good points at the end of her story although by then I'm mostly disappointed with her bullshit. It's about how superheroes should not be running around solving every problem with violence. Hey! I totally agree with that! But Lois Lane doesn't have to tell the reader that! She needs to direct her comments to the Superman editorial staff! Tell them how Superman shouldn't be punching everybody in the face! Tell them how he's so powerful and invulnerable that he doesn't need to resort to violence! Almost every encounter should be Superman walking right up to the bad guy, taking them by the scruff of their neck, and hauling them to prison. But writers think that kind of story is too boring! So Superman has to constantly encounter creatures more powerful than he is even though he's supposedly the most powerful person in the DC Youniverse. The real problem is that most of the writers on Superman (and all of the editors!) are lazy and unimaginative slobs who have no fucking idea what Superman represents.

And then Lex Luthor becomes the Charles Xavier of the Justice-Men!

Justice League: Gods and Monsters #3 Rating: It wasn't horrible. It just happens to be a story I don't want to read in comic books anymore. Can't writers just use the X-men when they want to write a story about the populace's xenophobic fear?! I'm almost never in the mood for a story about how heroes might be perceived in the real world. How about we just all agree that the good heroes are good heroes and the only people who hate them are bad guys and their henchmen? I'm okay with suspending my disbelief for that to be a regular part of the DC Youniverse. I mean, I guess Batman can be feared by everybody because that's kind of the point of Batman. He's a bogeyman but only if you step out of line. But some people will still be scared because they aren't sure what Batman would consider stepping out of line! But can't Superman and Wonder Woman and Green Lantern and The Flash be seen as the heroes they constantly are? I guess not when they're always being mind-controlled and turning on the populace. Which, now that I've mentioned it, can that be stopped as well? Stop giving the populace of the DC Youniverse good reason to fear them! Christ, people. Do I have to go down to your offices with my yardstick and start slapping asses?!