Justice League #16

I guess the part where they talk out their problems falls through. Oh, who am I kidding? When has rational discussion ever been attempted in a comic book?

This cover shows Geoff Johns trying too hard. We all know Aquaman is his current pet project so he wants to make him look as bad-ass as possible by standing his ground against the entire Justice League. I take it we'll all be enjoying huge company wide crossovers of universal importance centered around Aquaman in the years to come. Except they won't be that universal because they'll all be happening at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean. And sales won't be that great because everyone will once again be bored with Aquaman in a year or so. Although I think I see how Geoff Johns can keep Aquaman popular this time. If he keeps interspersing Aquaman stories with Mera stories, I think it will work. But I don't think Aquaman needs to be a member of the Justice League anymore. My friend Doom Bunny made a copy of the flowchart Steve Trevor passed on to Amanda Waller so she best knows how to utilize her new league.

That's pretty accurate. Although I'd probably add a level so if the answer to "Is Batman available?" is no, the chart would ask, "Do we have time to wait for Batman to become available?" And if that is no, the next one should read, "Has anyone tried Batman's pager?"

So the cover takes over where Aquaman #15 left off: Aquaman became pissed that he was being disrespected by the Justice League (again) and wasn't going to take it anymore. It was time for yet another in-house Justice League brawl. I guess when you're as powerful as the Justice League, your only worthy adversary is yourself. Or an old writer with cancer. Or a woman in leopard spandex.

Aquaman knocks Superman out because it's a silly comic book and they can get away with printing any ridiculous thing they want. But that's what Superman gets for standing around and not acting aggressively toward Aquaman. Hasn't he been in enough good guy on good guy fights to know that you always have to get in the first punch or you're fucked? He's still so naive. Batman tries to have a discussion with Aquaman but that fucking asshole calls him Bruce right there in front of Orm and everyone! I can tell Batman was about to teach him a lesson for that careless mistake when Batman gets zapped by Orm's magic trident.

Just go with it Orm. The surface dwellers are confusing bastards.

You know what? Fuck it! Stop trying to figure out these fucking land dwellers that are always so quick to punch each other in the throat. Who needs 'em? Do whatever you think is right, Orm.

Whoa whoa whoa. Don't get crazy!

While this invasion is beginning, Cyborg is rescuing Dr. Shin from Aquagirl because Dr. Shin is a really important chess piece in this gigantic game of global checkers. He's probably the Queen and Cyborg just castled him back to the Justice League Watchtower so he can be kinged.

Now I didn't just pull the chess analogy out of my ass (there I go again being unable to resist using "ass" and "analogy" in the same sentence!). I was just thinking of chess because Orm, the king of the sea, is obsessed with figuring out who the king of the land is. Obviously he thinks it's Batman at first except Batman is so totally the Knight. Cyborg is obviously the Rook and perhaps Dr. Shin is the King since Cyborg is castling with him. Wonder Woman is the Queen and not just because she's a woman but because she's probably the most useful member of the Justice League in a war. That leaves the Bishop for preachy ass Superman. I wonder if this entire battle can be mapped out as a game of chess.

A very sexual game of chess.

The Justice League loses the battle against Orm pretty quickly when he blasts them all with lightning controlled by his Trident Relic. So now it looks like the Justice League can add "Aquaman's brother" to the list of enemies more powerful than they are. That list just gets more and more embarrassing. Orm encases them all in solid water (I think there's a more technical term for that) and takes them underwater to be punished. That leaves only Cyborg left to rescue them and Cyborg has already shown his reluctance to set a metal foot in the ocean. It looks like it might be time to remove that human lung and have it replaced by more gears. Time for a trip to S.T.A.R. Labs!

Am I the only one that now wants a comic book based inside S.T.A.R. Labs and written like episodes of Degrassi Junior High?

It's nice to see the first (I think?) reference to the Metal Men. This is the second mention of Red Tornado but the first mention of this Earth's Red Tornado. And while I'm generally against spying on our fellow citizens and ratting them out to the authorities based on a person's own subjective and biased observations, I think there should probably be a program set up where other scientists report crazed behavior like Dr. T. O. Morrow shows here. Nip that mad scientist shit in the bud! This guy is obviously unstable and they just go about their business while he rants and foams in the background.

Cyborg's lung removal and SCUBA insert surgery will take a few hours so he feels the need to call on some super heroes the League has been scouting to help out.

I'm most excited about Urania. If Element Woman is actually Element Girl alive and well again.

I guess I'll find out more about Element Woman in Aquaman #16 which I have sitting here ready to read next! But first: SHAZAM!

Dr. Sivanus is still collecting Sins while Black Adam finally confronts Shazam. And after Black Adam kicks him across town a few times, Shazam learns what I figured he was going to learn last time. Changing back to Billy has its advantages. Shazam turns back into Billy so Black Adam can't find and kill him and then runs and hides in an alley. Apparently Freddie was the funny one because this issue didn't have one joke in it! Unless you count Billy's ability to defend himself. Ha! Loser.

Justice League #16 Rating: No change. I feel like I'm just speeding through the issues of Justice League where everyone is fighting simply to get to the issues when everything is calm and the team members stand around talking about how much they distrust one another. Those are my favorite episodes. Also the episodes where Steve Trevor overhears them baking cookies and he thinks they're having an orgy because Steve Trevor thinks terms like "pounding dough" and "preheat to 425" and "add the M&Ms" and "grease the shit out of that thing" are all sex terms. Hmm. Maybe he's right. Did Mr. Roper ever hear Jack Tripper fucking someone in the kitchen and innocently assume he was making an omelette? I feel like I've asked that question before. Have we all asked that question before?