Superboy Annual #1

Fuck you, DC! How dare you make me read two Tom DeFalco Superboy titles in one month!

Last issue, Superboy informed me that his name was Superboy and that he was a clone created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. to be a living weapon! And I just read that comic book last week so he'd better not remind me again! Although since this is an Annual, DC probably thinks they'll be luring in a bunch of new readers (even though it's in the middle of a crossover) and so Superboy will have to explain, once again, who the fuck he is and what his sorry ass is all about (it's about being a living weapon!).

Oh that's so cute! Superboy is proud of his idiotic decision to follow Superman into this dimension after Superman risked his life to keep Superboy out of this dimension. What a jerk.

I expect this weird and wacky dimension the Superguys have found themselves in will be terribly exciting and full of strange science fiction ideas that nobody with at least a 9th grade science education would find compelling. Right off the bat Superman tells Superboy that the dimension they're in "operates under different rules for time, matter and space" so DeFalco doesn't have to justify anything he writes in this issue. Perhaps I'll just pretend to read it.

I always say that and then I never actually do it. I did write a completely false commentary for the last issue of Blackhawks but I still read the comic book. I hope this Annual sells really well and everybody that reads it will realize Tom DeFalco is shitting all over Superboy and the regular title isn't worth picking up. But I have a feeling that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco are entrenched in this DC regime due to their friendships with the people in charge. Plus they simply vomit up crappy stories that don't really go anywhere month after month, so they easily make their deadlines. I guess I'm stuck with them.

The pocket dimension is home to some mysterious entities that decide they're going to toy with the Superguys. They don't have any actual reason to fuck with them. They just "hope they prove amusing." I guess when you're trapped in a pocket dimension for a very long timeless amount of time, boredom becomes your number one enemy. So fucking with the Superguys is simply about defeating boredom and killing a few non-minutes.

Meanwhile back in the Fortress of Solitude, Cyborg and Batman have everything figured out.

Thanks, Cyborg. So very helpful.

The Superfellas have been transported into a new pocket dimension by the fun loving mystery aliens. Superboy freaks out that Superman isn't freaking out and then Superboy repeats the same shit he keeps repeating over and over again. Fucking DeFalco can only write one comic book story. And he keeps reprinting it over and over again each month in Superboy.

Superboy has said this in every comic he's been in with Superman so far. And he says it as if it's a matter of fact. As if there is no possible way there are thousands and thousands of various theories and opinions on Superman. Nope. People either love and trust him or don't trust him at all. That's it! Superman deconstructed in one sentence. Tom DeFalco wins.

The panel immediately after this one has Superman explain that H'el is going to drain the energy from the solar system. That's the third time someone in this comic book has explained that in ten pages. I sure hope I don't forget the danger they're all in. The tension just keeps getting ratcheted up every time someone reminds me of H'el's plan!

Superman and Superboy battle some gigantic dirt clods for a bit before being sucked into a new pocket dimension by the mysterious couple watching them.

The plan has changed! Forget playing with them! Use them for a means of escape! I mean, that makes more sense but it just seems like DeFalco thought of it halfway through the comic book.

As you see, I have no respect for DeFalco's ability to plan a story. I know he's just fucking winging it from page to page.

Superboy is a fucking annoying brat. I guess that's how DC wants to portray him. Perhaps editorial thinks they're portraying Superboy as rebellious and mistrustful of adults. But he really just comes across as a stubborn ass playing the victim that purposefully misconstrues the actions of others to paint them in a negative light. Superboy is fucking tumblr!

Shut up shut up shut up! I can't imagine anyone likes this Reboot version of Superboy. Pouty. Whiny. Confrontational. I certainly have no empathy for him and yet his actual origin story should make him a tragic character. Instead he's just a tra-dick character.

Superman is being nothing but patient with Superboy and every response is a shitty attack. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if this book were written better. But too many of the teen characters that Lobdell and DeFalco write have this horrible attitude.

I'm sure Superboy's attitude can be defended on a shallow level being that his life is a gigantic confusing mess. But this attitude is the same attitude Jason Todd has toward Superman as well. I think Jason Todd even says the thing about people believing that Superman is either a hero or a threat. I guess DeFalco and Lobdell live in their own world where that's all anybody thinks about Superman. And it's too bad because Lobdell is currently writing Superman, so he's going to fuck that shit up real quick.

The device the Superdudes have become trapped in turns out to be a female healing pod which has been taking over by two evil entities known as Blastor and Lasara. Superboy bonds with the healing pod because it's being used the way he's being used. So he decides to save it. He mouths off to Superman inappropriately about a half dozen more times before they finally engage in a fight with Blastor and Lasara to free themselves and the healing pod.

Superboy comes up with some plan that might make some sense if the reader were still interested in the comic book by the time they got to it. Seeing as how I wasn't, I didn't really pay attention. Something about removing all the negative influences on the healing pod and allowing it to teleport the bad guys to an empty galaxy at the ass-end of the universe. Somewhere along the way, Superboy thanks Superman for helping him learn a lesson but also bitches at Superman for lecturing him in the same breath. And Superboy and Superman return to the Fortress of Solitude but not before Superboy falls in love with a female healing pod. Too bad she's decided to cut herself off from this dimension. And now that the Superguys are back, they can continue on with the regularly scheduled program in Superman #16. Even though Supergirl #16 is next. I guess that comic isn't very important to the H'el on Earth story. I think they just made a mistake because H'el and Supergirl are done building their device. Now it's up to The Flash to rescue Supergirl and delay the launch.

Superboy Annual #1 Rating: It was like having to listen to a teenager that insists they know everything simply because they have no way of knowing how much they don't know. Sometimes you just need to shut up and listen. Here's a secret: you don't learn more as you get older and thus think you're smarter or wiser or better than young people. As you get older, you realize more and more how much you don't know and never can know and become more and more humble when debating points. Well, you do if you're lucky. A whole lot of people never budge from a foundational way of thinking. Everything they believe stems from some unchanging base philosophy and they never actually grow and change. They just get more and more set in their ways. Fucking old people! I hate how they insist they know everything simply because they have no way of knowing how much they don't know. I wish they'd all just shut up already.