Superboy #16

I hope Tom DeFalco's version of Batman is more believable than Scott Snyder's!

H'el has taken over Superman's Fortress of Solitude and Superman wants it back! He also needs to stop H'el from using the solar system to fuel a time travel device to enable H'el and Supergirl to travel back in time (and across 27 light years of space!) to save Krypton. But before the assault on Krypton begins, let's let Superboy tell us his name and how NOWHERE created him to be a living weapon.

Fuck it. I'm giving in. I'm starting every single one of my commentaries from here on out with, "My name is TessAteChaiTea. I'm an asshole, created by my insane mother to be a cynical bastard bereft of emotions."

Where did Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell learn to write comic books? What are their inspirations? What writers are their role models? Because I'm going to fucking go back in time and obliterate them all! I'm so fucking sick of reading Tom DeFalco's scripts. Why can't the Justice League and Superboy battle these "Kryptonian Worker Drones" while engaged in normal dialogue? Why do we have to be privy to Superboy's sassy, unvoiced responses to the other characters? It's like I'm trying to read this comic book and Superboy is sitting right next to me yammering on and on. Shut the hell up, you triple-parented lab experiment! It's lazy writing because it's easier to simply allow the reader to have access to every single one of Superboy's thoughts than to have Superboy express who is through his dialogue and his actions. Dialogue is so much better because it's dubious and uncertain. Like the speaker in one of Robert Browning's dramatic monologues or the narrator of a Vladimir Nabokov novel, the words cannot be trusted. They must be interpreted through the speaker and his actions and the way he lets certain information slip. But if you're in the mind of the main character, you know what they know whole-heartedly. There's no mystery. And Superboy is certainly no mystery. Fuck, he's not even entertaining.

At least the art is much better with Rob Lean inking while Coello and Pinna pencil.

Why use the Kryptonite in the Fortress of Solitude that you might not be able to get to? Use Batman's stash! You know he has one!

Superboy breaks down H'el's forcefield. The Flash vibrates through the Fortress's crystal wall. Superman and Cyborg Boom tube in. But they're delayed once they're inside by "Killer Droids from Epsilon-18." Fuck you, Scott Lobdell. I mean Tom DeFalco! They both continuously use the same tricks. Superman and Cyborg have to be delayed by something so I'll string together an appropriately sci-fi antagonist name that means absolutely nothing. Then have the protagonist say, "This is the most dangerous foe we could possibly encounter in these circumstances!" to escalate the tension to barely tolerable levels! Now I'm on the edge of my seat! Will Cyborg and Superman be able to defeat the deadly Killer-Droids from war torn Epsilon-18?!

Meanwhile Wonder Woman faces her own problems as she stalls H'el's forces so Batman and Superboy can find the Kryptonite shard.

Kryptonian Worker Drones? Who wants to bet we never see these things in any comic book not written by Tom DeFalco or Scott Lobdell? Also, Wonder Gandalf?

Superman and Cyborg manage to destroy the Killer-Droids from Epsilon-18 while Cyborg wonders why Superman has all of this shit in his fortress. Superman informs Cyborg (while destroying them) that they were too dangerous to "even ATTEMPT to destroy." But now that he had to destroy them, everything went hunky dory (emphasis on the tight pants! I mean hunky!).

But now that Cyborg and Superman have destroyed the most dangerous threats in the Fortress, they stumble upon the even more dangerousest threat in the Fortress! Yes, it's somehow even more dangerous than the most dangerous threat!

Don't tell Cyborg to watch out! You're carrying him! YOU watch out!

Speaking of things that are worse than the worst thing, I always defeated my sister when we called each other names because she always went right for "You're the dumbest!" and I always responded with "You're dumber." No matter what she said to me, that was my response and she never seemed to be able to get a handle on it. She'd just escalate her response to something like "You're dumb times infinity!" And I'd just say, "You're dumber." She was dumb.

Batman and Superboy find the Kryptonite shard missing from the trophy room, so they wander around until Superboy is standing in the line of one of those lasers that will send him into a never-ending series of pocket dimensions. Superman doesn't want that to happen to him, so he dives in the way and disappears. Good thing he's still wearing the cape so Batman can track him. Can Batman track people in alternate dimensions? Fuck yeah! He built Brother Eye, didn't he? I think he did. I'm pretty sure he did!

Superman saves Superboy so what does Superboy do? He dives into the beam to save Superman! What a waste. I mean, what a hero!

Meanwhile in the Himilayas, this thing wakes up to say something stupid and unnecessary.

Why would the fucking Oracle need to heed your summons? It's all-knowing! It's omnipotent! It's omniscient! It doesn't need you to summon it, fuckface.

Superboy #16 Rating: No change. What the fuck happened to The Flash? He said he felt like he was running in molasses as he vibrated through the Fortress's walls but he still acknowledged that he was moving at super speed. But he never appeared in the comic book after that. So where did he go? Oh! His job was to save Supergirl so I bet he'll be in Supergirl #16! Hopefully that comic will be better than this one. This issue wasn't bad as far as the overall plot went. But the writing, as usual, was of eighth grade quality.