Batman's gonna do a sexy little dance for us now.
I absolutely remember how excited I was to purchase both this run of comics and Shadow of the Bat. I don't even know what it was about them that lit a fire in me since I'd never really read many Batman books. I didn't even begin picking up Legends of the Dark Knight until it had been going for two years. And I don't think I continued to buy either series past the end of 1992! And yet this series went until 2007! Not that I was buying comic books in 2007. Or 2006. Or 2005. Or 2004, really. I stopped buying comic books in March of 2004, the month the final of issue of Cerebus was published. It just felt like a good time to stop, especially since I was, at the ripe old age of 32, having trouble remembering all the story arcs of the many different books I bought each month. By that time, I think I was mostly reading Marvel, Vertigo, and independent titles even though I'd been a DC fan for most of my life. It just seemed all of my favorite writers were suddenly doing Marvel books and my loyalty had long since gone over from individual characters to the writers themselves.
But none of that has anything to do with Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight unless it does! Because by 1992, maybe I understood that the writers were the absolute most important part of the comic book equation for me (yes, even more than the artists) and the reason I was so excited to pick up this book was seeing Matt Wagner's name on it (also the artist so, you know, art is important too, I guess?). That could also explain why I was excited for Shadow of the Bat as well since Alan Grant was doing that book. So there you go! I do know why I picked up these books! I knew I could trust myself to ramble my way to an understanding. It's how I come to all of my conclusions about life, like how the moon landing was faked, Bigfoot is actually extra-dimensional (unless he's from the kingdoms of the Inner Earth), and all royalty from the bloodline of Charlemagne are lizard people.
This issue begins with introductions of all of Two-Face's new friends. I'm going to let the scan be my commentary on it or else you're not going to respect me in the morning.
But none of that has anything to do with Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight unless it does! Because by 1992, maybe I understood that the writers were the absolute most important part of the comic book equation for me (yes, even more than the artists) and the reason I was so excited to pick up this book was seeing Matt Wagner's name on it (also the artist so, you know, art is important too, I guess?). That could also explain why I was excited for Shadow of the Bat as well since Alan Grant was doing that book. So there you go! I do know why I picked up these books! I knew I could trust myself to ramble my way to an understanding. It's how I come to all of my conclusions about life, like how the moon landing was faked, Bigfoot is actually extra-dimensional (unless he's from the kingdoms of the Inner Earth), and all royalty from the bloodline of Charlemagne are lizard people.
This issue begins with introductions of all of Two-Face's new friends. I'm going to let the scan be my commentary on it or else you're not going to respect me in the morning.
It's not that if I comment, I'll be insulting. It's that I'd wind up labeling which ones I want to fuck and why.
Okay, fine. 1, 3, 6, 7, 10, 12, 14, and 15. Oh, and obviously 16! I may despise the overly lawful who use violence as a means to control the populace but, come on, he'd be a great fuck, no?
Now, I'd rather not apologize to David Finch for the way I mocked his ending of the first issue of The Dark Knight at the beginning of The New 52. Don't get me wrong! I won't and never will! Two-Face declaring for no reason at all the he is "One-Face now" was a massive misplay on his part and an even massiver misplay on his editors' part. Because what I think David Finch was going for was that Harvey Dent was no longer part of Two-Face at that moment. He was trying to make Two-Face scarier by having him lose his conscience. What else would he call himself if one of his faces was suddenly gone? Well, you know, One-Face. But that's fucking stupid because we all have one face. His declaration wasn't grand! It was normal! It was boring. "Oh no! You only have one face now? So, congratulations, I guess?" I blame the editors more than Finch because they should have been all, "Okay, look, I get what you're trying to do here. But that's certainly not the way to do it. This is possibly the most ridiculous thing a Batman villain has ever said in the entire history of Batman villains saying ridiculous things. Work on it, my dude." I imagine everybody in the DC offices calls each other "my dude", especially Gail Simone. But she says it sarcastically and in a way that totally hurts your feelings, like maybe she doesn't actually think you've got any dudeness in you at all?
Anyway, I bring this up because Matt Wagner, in a way, beat David Finch to the whole "One-Face" declaration. I said I was worried about something like this happening in Wagner's first issue simply because he named this story "Faces". But then there was a moment I willfully ignored last issue where Two-Face calls a guy who's directing some workers to place a sculpture in the exact right place "Precision-Face". Well, guess what? Two-Face has found a One-Face this issue. I brought up David Finch and how he made a mistake doing it. I bring up Matt Wagner doing it because it works.
Now, I'd rather not apologize to David Finch for the way I mocked his ending of the first issue of The Dark Knight at the beginning of The New 52. Don't get me wrong! I won't and never will! Two-Face declaring for no reason at all the he is "One-Face now" was a massive misplay on his part and an even massiver misplay on his editors' part. Because what I think David Finch was going for was that Harvey Dent was no longer part of Two-Face at that moment. He was trying to make Two-Face scarier by having him lose his conscience. What else would he call himself if one of his faces was suddenly gone? Well, you know, One-Face. But that's fucking stupid because we all have one face. His declaration wasn't grand! It was normal! It was boring. "Oh no! You only have one face now? So, congratulations, I guess?" I blame the editors more than Finch because they should have been all, "Okay, look, I get what you're trying to do here. But that's certainly not the way to do it. This is possibly the most ridiculous thing a Batman villain has ever said in the entire history of Batman villains saying ridiculous things. Work on it, my dude." I imagine everybody in the DC offices calls each other "my dude", especially Gail Simone. But she says it sarcastically and in a way that totally hurts your feelings, like maybe she doesn't actually think you've got any dudeness in you at all?
Anyway, I bring this up because Matt Wagner, in a way, beat David Finch to the whole "One-Face" declaration. I said I was worried about something like this happening in Wagner's first issue simply because he named this story "Faces". But then there was a moment I willfully ignored last issue where Two-Face calls a guy who's directing some workers to place a sculpture in the exact right place "Precision-Face". Well, guess what? Two-Face has found a One-Face this issue. I brought up David Finch and how he made a mistake doing it. I bring up Matt Wagner doing it because it works.
Aww! Sweet little One-Face!
Just for the record and for the curious: no, I would not fuck One-Face. Christ. Get off the Internet, you sickos.
I really enjoy pretending that the people reading my blog are more sick and perverse than I am! Or maybe I'm not pretending? Y'all are fucking gross, right?
Two-Face's wonderful dream of a world where he and his deformed friends can live without judgment by those who have been subject to a narrow belief of beauty has to do with the island he's trying to buy out from under Bruce Wayne. Assuming that all of the "sideshow freaks" he's gathered together have come of their own free will, Two-Face might be the hero of this story. But according to Batman's research, he believes some of these people were taken against their will. I guess that's enough for Batman to shut this whole scheme down without having to admit to himself that it's because he wants that fucking island for himself.
Batman's currently trying to keep the next possible plastic surgeon safe from being murdered. The next possible victim is a doctor who has a twin brother which is right up Two-Face's compulsive alley. The Gotham Police tail the men when they're about town and Batman has decided to break into the surgeon's home to investigate for danger.
I really enjoy pretending that the people reading my blog are more sick and perverse than I am! Or maybe I'm not pretending? Y'all are fucking gross, right?
Two-Face's wonderful dream of a world where he and his deformed friends can live without judgment by those who have been subject to a narrow belief of beauty has to do with the island he's trying to buy out from under Bruce Wayne. Assuming that all of the "sideshow freaks" he's gathered together have come of their own free will, Two-Face might be the hero of this story. But according to Batman's research, he believes some of these people were taken against their will. I guess that's enough for Batman to shut this whole scheme down without having to admit to himself that it's because he wants that fucking island for himself.
Batman's currently trying to keep the next possible plastic surgeon safe from being murdered. The next possible victim is a doctor who has a twin brother which is right up Two-Face's compulsive alley. The Gotham Police tail the men when they're about town and Batman has decided to break into the surgeon's home to investigate for danger.
It's practically just like reading Grendel!
After a night out celebrating his birthday, the plastic surgeon comes back to his second home which Batman has thoroughly searched. He sits down to relax with a cigar and a brandy but he doesn't get much relaxing done because the cigar blows his face off. Batman, spying on him from the window, seems shocked because he thoroughly searched the humidor! Is the humidor that thing in the toilet that cleans off your butt when you've had a messy poo?
Ha ha! Just kidding! I know what a humidor is! It's that thing that Batman searched thoroughly!
Batman, so angry that this guy died on his watch, punches a hole in the wall. He then tapes a $500 bill to the hole and moves a painting over it to pay for the damage. Jim Gordon finds it because he notices the unfaded part of the wall where the painting obviously had been hung previously. He then asks Batman why he moved the painting, understanding exactly what happened much quicker than I pieced it out (it took me forever to figure out what the fuck Jim and Batman were talking about!). Batman's answer is basically, "I didn't want a dirty fucking Gotham cop finding and stealing the money!"
It turns out, the surgeon was poisoned with some poison that loosened his bowels so that methane leaked up into his esophagus. Lighting the cigar caused it to ignite and blow his face off. I'm surprised the guy wanted to smoke a cigar and drink some brandy when he must have smelled his own shit breath. If your breath starts smelling like shit, you should probably go immediately to the hospital. Unless you just ate some shit. Then, you know, carry on, I guess.
While Two-Face plans his perfect community with One-Face, one of his sneaky freaks brings him some information he just learned about the guy who currently owns the island that everybody wants. He broke into the guy's house and spied on him as he got undressed for bed.
Ha ha! Just kidding! I know what a humidor is! It's that thing that Batman searched thoroughly!
Batman, so angry that this guy died on his watch, punches a hole in the wall. He then tapes a $500 bill to the hole and moves a painting over it to pay for the damage. Jim Gordon finds it because he notices the unfaded part of the wall where the painting obviously had been hung previously. He then asks Batman why he moved the painting, understanding exactly what happened much quicker than I pieced it out (it took me forever to figure out what the fuck Jim and Batman were talking about!). Batman's answer is basically, "I didn't want a dirty fucking Gotham cop finding and stealing the money!"
It turns out, the surgeon was poisoned with some poison that loosened his bowels so that methane leaked up into his esophagus. Lighting the cigar caused it to ignite and blow his face off. I'm surprised the guy wanted to smoke a cigar and drink some brandy when he must have smelled his own shit breath. If your breath starts smelling like shit, you should probably go immediately to the hospital. Unless you just ate some shit. Then, you know, carry on, I guess.
While Two-Face plans his perfect community with One-Face, one of his sneaky freaks brings him some information he just learned about the guy who currently owns the island that everybody wants. He broke into the guy's house and spied on him as he got undressed for bed.
I bet D'urberville has a tail! Or a cock so large he'd be allowed at the "One of us!" table.
Later Bruce Wayne meets D'urberville at the First Gotham Bank and buys the island, with witnesses and a ten million dollar down payment to boot! Wren is there and signs the forms as a witness to the transaction. But since he's now Team Two-Face, he probably signed the witness statement as Ben Dover.
Batman can't figure out which plastic surgeon might be killed next because he has no hard evidence of any of them living a "double life", which seems to be the ones Two-Face has been after. Alfred tells him to trust his instincts although I wish Alfred had told Bruce to flip a coin. That seems like the kind of joke Alfred would make. Maybe he normally would but Batman has been so on edge with failing to save any of the plastic surgeons so far that he might have actually taken a shot at Alfred for being snarky.
Batman follows a guy who lives on Second Avenue since it's the only real clue he has. Two nights after the last murder, Batman follows the guy to a seedy motel where he's meeting a prostitute. Evidence of a double life! Or an addiction to sex workers. Or having a fun secret little sexy roleplay with his wife. But I'm sure it was none of those things since I'm not the world's greatest detective. I'm sure Batman already thought of all of those things.
Batman can't figure out which plastic surgeon might be killed next because he has no hard evidence of any of them living a "double life", which seems to be the ones Two-Face has been after. Alfred tells him to trust his instincts although I wish Alfred had told Bruce to flip a coin. That seems like the kind of joke Alfred would make. Maybe he normally would but Batman has been so on edge with failing to save any of the plastic surgeons so far that he might have actually taken a shot at Alfred for being snarky.
Batman follows a guy who lives on Second Avenue since it's the only real clue he has. Two nights after the last murder, Batman follows the guy to a seedy motel where he's meeting a prostitute. Evidence of a double life! Or an addiction to sex workers. Or having a fun secret little sexy roleplay with his wife. But I'm sure it was none of those things since I'm not the world's greatest detective. I'm sure Batman already thought of all of those things.
I wish he would have waited to gas them after two or three panels of dick sucking.
Sexy Space Pirate Lady breaks into D'urberville's apartment and threatens to expose his secret tail or massive cock (which appear to be located on his chest as he instinctively tries to hide whatever's there when Sexy Space Pirate Lady steps out of his closet) if he doesn't renege on the deal with Bruce Wayne and sell the island for one dollar to her real estate cousin (who is actually the Anton Ecole, the no-legged man. Apparently having a massive cock or hideous tail hanging off your right pectoral is so embarrassing that fifty million dollars isn't enough to salve the humiliation. So D'urberville agrees to her terms.
Bruce expects to get his down payment back but Wren gives the information on the payment to Two-Face's real estate man. Then, for being a good boy and doing the unethical thing, Sexy Space Pirate Lady pays him a visit. And Batman doesn't gas them before we get to see some side boob and butt!
Bruce expects to get his down payment back but Wren gives the information on the payment to Two-Face's real estate man. Then, for being a good boy and doing the unethical thing, Sexy Space Pirate Lady pays him a visit. And Batman doesn't gas them before we get to see some side boob and butt!
Wren definitely jizzed in his pants in panel eight.
Sexy Space Pirate Lady also seems to think that "couch" is how you say "penis" in English.
Bruce confronts D'urberville and D'urberville willingly admits that he's being blackmailed by the other buyer. He hopes that Bruce will just let it go so he doesn't have to explain how his life is going to be ruined. D'urberville tells Bruce the name of the other buyer is Count Enance and Bruce is all, "Countenance! As in face!" Yeah, so? What does that matter? God, Batman's constantly grasping at straws!
Realizing that Two-Face is the other buyer, Batman puts all the other pieces together. A dirigible was stolen the night Batman saved the plastic surgeon from his prostitute. So it looks like every step of the way, Batman was involved in trying to stop the distraction. I mean, the distraction was murder so obviously that was what he should have been doing rather than saving a giant Yin-Yang symbol, two zebras, and a dirigible. But having learned of the island and the zeppelin, Batman realizes Two-Face will use it to take all of his kidnapped deformed friends to this island. Batman heads off to investigate the blimp and discovers some zebra poo and a crying baby. Except the crying baby turns out to be a full grown but deformed man who grabs him while some of Two-Face's other thugs sneak up on him and knock him out. That image on the cover? That's Batman strapped to the front of the dirigible!
Also, Wren gets shot in the gut by Sexy Space Pirate Lady when he can't leave well enough alone and goes after her for a second fuck. You'd think Two-Face would have allowed two fucks! Oh! Maybe he did! I guess they really did fuck on their first date. That would explain why he needed to be shot trying to get laid a third time. That's a huge Two-Face no-no.
Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #29 Rating: A. Matt Wagner writes an intriguing Two-Face story! It feels like a Batman story I'd never read before which is really hard to do (especially since I have read this exact story before back in 1992!). Great art. Spectacular Matt Wagner panel layouts. Some sexy naked lady shots. And a Batman that isn't too overconfident or too powerful. He's not making mistakes but Two-Face is absolutely outwitting Batman the whole way. Probably because Two-Face's ultimate goal isn't really a crime! He's just setting up what he calls "Deformed Nation." Of course Batman would think Two-Face murdering plastic surgeons was the main crime. Why wouldn't he want a bunch of plastic surgeons dead? I haven't even been disfigured and I'm pretty sympathetic to the idea!
Bruce confronts D'urberville and D'urberville willingly admits that he's being blackmailed by the other buyer. He hopes that Bruce will just let it go so he doesn't have to explain how his life is going to be ruined. D'urberville tells Bruce the name of the other buyer is Count Enance and Bruce is all, "Countenance! As in face!" Yeah, so? What does that matter? God, Batman's constantly grasping at straws!
Realizing that Two-Face is the other buyer, Batman puts all the other pieces together. A dirigible was stolen the night Batman saved the plastic surgeon from his prostitute. So it looks like every step of the way, Batman was involved in trying to stop the distraction. I mean, the distraction was murder so obviously that was what he should have been doing rather than saving a giant Yin-Yang symbol, two zebras, and a dirigible. But having learned of the island and the zeppelin, Batman realizes Two-Face will use it to take all of his kidnapped deformed friends to this island. Batman heads off to investigate the blimp and discovers some zebra poo and a crying baby. Except the crying baby turns out to be a full grown but deformed man who grabs him while some of Two-Face's other thugs sneak up on him and knock him out. That image on the cover? That's Batman strapped to the front of the dirigible!
Also, Wren gets shot in the gut by Sexy Space Pirate Lady when he can't leave well enough alone and goes after her for a second fuck. You'd think Two-Face would have allowed two fucks! Oh! Maybe he did! I guess they really did fuck on their first date. That would explain why he needed to be shot trying to get laid a third time. That's a huge Two-Face no-no.
Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #29 Rating: A. Matt Wagner writes an intriguing Two-Face story! It feels like a Batman story I'd never read before which is really hard to do (especially since I have read this exact story before back in 1992!). Great art. Spectacular Matt Wagner panel layouts. Some sexy naked lady shots. And a Batman that isn't too overconfident or too powerful. He's not making mistakes but Two-Face is absolutely outwitting Batman the whole way. Probably because Two-Face's ultimate goal isn't really a crime! He's just setting up what he calls "Deformed Nation." Of course Batman would think Two-Face murdering plastic surgeons was the main crime. Why wouldn't he want a bunch of plastic surgeons dead? I haven't even been disfigured and I'm pretty sympathetic to the idea!
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