This cover's much cooler due to the color and Swamp Thing.
The editors at DC called this the History of the DC Universe because it's better than A Chronological List of Our Various Trademarks. My only problem with the last issue was how it spent 47 pages touting their amazing fictional universe and its heroic creations only to end with "But the real heroes are the American military. Go Joe!" I'm the kind of person who believes in loads of shit but hold nothing sacred so it always rankles me a bit when people have to go out of their way to thank the military. We get it! We should probably pretend that the people tricked into military service so they can be the violent arm of our military industrial complex are heroes because who wants to be tricked into service and then constantly reminded of that huge mistake?!
I mean, freedom isn't free and I'm glad loads and loads of foreigners were killed so that, um, I don't know. The suburbs are safer? Are they? I don't know, I'm just a stupid jerk whom people can't stand because I say shit like "Our veterans were mostly tricked into joining the military!" I'm the most pro-soldier a person can be because I don't think they should be used to invade foreign nations in the name of making me feel safer. I'm fine without them. I don't need their help! I'd rather they stay home and enjoy a nice iced tea while watching Jeopardy! and still collecting a paycheck from the taxes I pay! See? I support them and want them to be safe! Unless they're the kinds of chodes who joined up because they want a socially acceptable excuse to kill another person. Then I hope they meet an IED. Obviously they're still better than cops. I would never put a veteran in a wicker man.
I mean, freedom isn't free and I'm glad loads and loads of foreigners were killed so that, um, I don't know. The suburbs are safer? Are they? I don't know, I'm just a stupid jerk whom people can't stand because I say shit like "Our veterans were mostly tricked into joining the military!" I'm the most pro-soldier a person can be because I don't think they should be used to invade foreign nations in the name of making me feel safer. I'm fine without them. I don't need their help! I'd rather they stay home and enjoy a nice iced tea while watching Jeopardy! and still collecting a paycheck from the taxes I pay! See? I support them and want them to be safe! Unless they're the kinds of chodes who joined up because they want a socially acceptable excuse to kill another person. Then I hope they meet an IED. Obviously they're still better than cops. I would never put a veteran in a wicker man.
And all that will occur? Shit. She's going to bore me with Legion drama, isn't she?
If Harbinger discusses the Legion of Super-heroes, I hope she at least tells me who will be fucking whom in the future and put down, for the records, a clear and pristine picture of Phantom Lass's tits.
Last issue ended in the middle of World War II, leaving the most ignorant readers on tenterhooks as to how that turned out. Luckily for them, Harbinger continues in the middle of the war. I hope we get to see how Adolf Hitler died in the DC Universe. I hope it wasn't the same boring way as in our universe. I hope Sgt. Rock tore his mustache off and shoved it down his throat before inventing docking using Hitler's peen and a grenade. You know what? That's such a great way for Hitler to die in the DC Universe that I'm just going to commission Travis Charest to draw that page and staple it into my copy of History of the DC Universe: Book Two.
Last issue ended in the middle of World War II, leaving the most ignorant readers on tenterhooks as to how that turned out. Luckily for them, Harbinger continues in the middle of the war. I hope we get to see how Adolf Hitler died in the DC Universe. I hope it wasn't the same boring way as in our universe. I hope Sgt. Rock tore his mustache off and shoved it down his throat before inventing docking using Hitler's peen and a grenade. You know what? That's such a great way for Hitler to die in the DC Universe that I'm just going to commission Travis Charest to draw that page and staple it into my copy of History of the DC Universe: Book Two.
Are they fighting alongside the Allies or are they engaged in an elaborate sex act alongside the Allies?
Harbinger decides not to explain the history of the war because she knows George Perez will just draw a series of Daily Planet newspapers with headlines walking everybody through all the key points of World War II as the papers stretch across two pages. Instead, she uses her time to just list all of DC's trademarks that were popular during the war and/or characters in later war comics with stories that occurred during the war: The Haunted Tank, The Guardian, The Newsboy Legion, The Creature Commandos, GI Robot, Viking Commando, Mademoiselle Marie, Captain Ulysses Hazard, and, of course, the Unknown Soldier representing all the real heroes. You know the ones. The ones people are going to think I trashed at the beginning of this comic book when I was just expressing how I'm a conscientious objector who supports soldiers but not the military industrial complex that uses them and I don't jerk off to the American flag with my curtains open so the whole neighborhood can see how patriotic I want them to think I am.
And as the men, monsters, and paperboys fought the Nazis at home and abroad, the broads were in the home doing important work of their own.
And as the men, monsters, and paperboys fought the Nazis at home and abroad, the broads were in the home doing important work of their own.
So a diaphragm wasn't one of Merry's 1000 gimmicks, hunh?
Harbinger explains that after the war (which ended when the last Daily Planet newspaper's headline read: "War Ends!"), the government turned on the costumed heroes. It led to the '50s being the worst decade to live through but the one people were most nostalgic about in subsequent decades, probably because a lot of people are secretly racist. Joseph McCarthy and a spineless media existed in the DC Universe as well so paranoia ran rampant, causing all the heroes to retire rather than reveal their secret identities, even Jay Garrick who somehow hid his identity because he wore a stupid metal cap? Or was he constantly blurring his face with super speed? Anyway, the public heroes hid away while the government created Task Force X. Things were looking bleak and censorious. The worst times are the ones where stupid, fearful people somehow grab the public spotlight and cowardly power-hungry assholes rise to power exploiting that fear and paranoia. You know the kind of times I'm talking about. You know.
But things were about to change! Great things were on the horizon for the DC Universe! A baby was about to crash into a Kansas field! A lighthouse keeper was about to get the fuck of his life! And a married couple out with their child were about to get gunned down in a spray of bullets and pearls! Oh, what a great time to be alive!
You know who was alive during the childhoods of these soon-to-be great heroes? The Phantom Stranger! "Who's that?" you ask! "I don't know!" everybody says, even Harbinger, the Monitor, and DC's editors and writers. "He's just this guy, you know? Probably Judas but, you know, that's just wild speculation! He might also be Lazarus! Or Gary Gygax!"
But wait! Harbinger, you have forgotten one very important hero! No, not Captain Comet. No, not Martian Manhunter. Yes, yes! That's it! Wonder Woman!
But things were about to change! Great things were on the horizon for the DC Universe! A baby was about to crash into a Kansas field! A lighthouse keeper was about to get the fuck of his life! And a married couple out with their child were about to get gunned down in a spray of bullets and pearls! Oh, what a great time to be alive!
You know who was alive during the childhoods of these soon-to-be great heroes? The Phantom Stranger! "Who's that?" you ask! "I don't know!" everybody says, even Harbinger, the Monitor, and DC's editors and writers. "He's just this guy, you know? Probably Judas but, you know, that's just wild speculation! He might also be Lazarus! Or Gary Gygax!"
But wait! Harbinger, you have forgotten one very important hero! No, not Captain Comet. No, not Martian Manhunter. Yes, yes! That's it! Wonder Woman!
From "Krypton, Atlantis and Gotham City" to "Krypton, Gotham City and Paradise Island." Look how quickly Aquaman's forgotten when a better, third hero comes along!
Obviously Wonder Woman had to be at least fifteen to nineteen years younger than all the men. Imagine how gross it would have been to have a woman sharing the spotlight who was their same age?! Too old!
Meanwhile, some Charlton history bleeds into DC history when Dan Garrett finds the Blue Beetle scarab and exclaims, "I hope when I retire, whoever takes up the mantle of Blue Beetle has no powers at all and loves to crack the lamest jokes!" He eventually gets his wish, the lucky bastard. I wonder if breaking into an Egyptian tomb would allow me to get my wish? Probably not. One of the last things one of my numerous deceased friends who still haunt my Facebook friends list did was take a dream Death on the Nile trip to Egypt to float down the Nile and visit a bunch of ancient tombs. She was dead by the end of the year and her husband just months later. Do I now believe in Egyptian curses? Fuck, man, when did I not believe?!
After that, Harbinger mentions two super creepy moments:
Meanwhile, some Charlton history bleeds into DC history when Dan Garrett finds the Blue Beetle scarab and exclaims, "I hope when I retire, whoever takes up the mantle of Blue Beetle has no powers at all and loves to crack the lamest jokes!" He eventually gets his wish, the lucky bastard. I wonder if breaking into an Egyptian tomb would allow me to get my wish? Probably not. One of the last things one of my numerous deceased friends who still haunt my Facebook friends list did was take a dream Death on the Nile trip to Egypt to float down the Nile and visit a bunch of ancient tombs. She was dead by the end of the year and her husband just months later. Do I now believe in Egyptian curses? Fuck, man, when did I not believe?!
After that, Harbinger mentions two super creepy moments:
One admittedly more creepy than the other because it is rape but something super fucking gross about a 10 billion year old man taking in a parentless little girl and raising her to wear Galactus's head for underwear.
Yes, I'm still trying to make "Harbinger's costume looks like Galactus upside-down" even though it's neither the correct color or shape. Who cares? Let people have things they love!
I just re-read the Monitor thing and I also find the sentence "The child was brought to his satellite and was raised into adulthood" super fucking disturbing. I can't help but think of livestock, of things being nurtured and grown only to be used for the appetites of men.
But never mind the rape of an unnamed woman and the kidnapping of a lost child for unknown reasons, Harbinger seems to say, as the reader turns the page from those two panels at the bottom right to this:
I just re-read the Monitor thing and I also find the sentence "The child was brought to his satellite and was raised into adulthood" super fucking disturbing. I can't help but think of livestock, of things being nurtured and grown only to be used for the appetites of men.
But never mind the rape of an unnamed woman and the kidnapping of a lost child for unknown reasons, Harbinger seems to say, as the reader turns the page from those two panels at the bottom right to this:
Superman is an anagram for "rape sum'n". Sorry! After that Trigon panel, I have Marv Wolfman Brain.
Who do you think has used rape as a plot more: Marv Wolfman or Alan Moore? Write your answers down on a torn sheet of paper using a red crayon, fold the paper once, slide it into a Pepsi bottle from the '80s (the squat ones not the tall thin ones), and lob it backwards over your shoulder into your nearest police precinct. Do not forget to light the paper on fire and put some gas in the bottle too (for accuracy). I'll post the results of the poll next month!
Batman gets a full page spread opposite Superman because they're historically total opposites in that Clark is a nerd and Bruce is a jock. The only problem is that Batman has to share a teeny, tiny corner of his page with Robin, the Boy Blunder (as Alfred used to call him. Unless that was The Joker '67?).
The page after Batman is a full page spread of Wonder Woman. Ha ha! Fooled you! Of course it isn't because she's not as important as the two men even though, just a page earlier, Harbinger said she was. No, she doesn't even get a small mention. I guess she's been mentioned enough, probably because she didn't help the world the way Black Canary and Merry did.
The next two pages highlight eight more heroes and not one of them is Wonder Woman. You might be surprised to find that they are, like Superman, Batman, and Robin, white men. Oh, you weren't surprised? Sorry! I thought you were more naïve than that. Excuse me while I recalibrate how much I patronize my readers. Here's the mistake! I had the dial set to "Bunny Rabbits". I'll turn it up to "Newly Owned Ferret". Better?
Do newspapers typically print corrections to their articles in the middle of the article because that's what I'm about to do on this blog entry!
CORRECTION: The two pages following Superman and Batman detail nine characters, one of which is, in fact, a white woman: Hawkwoman. I know, it hardly counts seeing as how she's only included because Hawkman was deemed important enough to be mentioned this quickly in the History. I would have left him out entirely but then I've never been a fan, especially after Liefeld's attempt to write a Hawkman story during The New 52. I could blame Liefeld's failure on Tony S. Daniel who failed to write the first batch of New 52 Hawkman stories but when have I ever let Rob Liefeld off the hook? Never! Fuck that guy! He once drew a panel of Deathstroke with something (a tree or patch of grass or something) bisecting Deathstroke in the foreground and forgot to draw one of Deathstroke's legs on the other side of the bisecting object! There's being bad at art and there's so bad at art that you forget to add major body parts to the person you're drawing bad at art! So bad! And worse at writing!
I'm going to assume that Harbinger lists the heroes in the order of importance so I'll put her list here, seeing as how it's so historical.
DC Superheroes By Importance
1. Superman.
2. Batman.
2 and 1/2. Robin.
3. The Flash.
4. Green Lantern (Hal Jordan).
5. The Atom.
6. Hawkman.
6 and 1/2. Hawkman's wife, Hawkwoman.
7. Aquaman (I'd argue too high on the list. Much too high!).
8. Captain Atom.
9. Green Arrow.
10. Blue Beetle.
If you're thinking, "That can't be the top ten most important heroes in the DC Universe! They forgot X!", you have a point. But she'll get to X, I'm sure. There are still so many fucking pages in this thing and all Harbinger is really doing is listing heroes and explaining who they are in a few simple sentences.
Batman gets a full page spread opposite Superman because they're historically total opposites in that Clark is a nerd and Bruce is a jock. The only problem is that Batman has to share a teeny, tiny corner of his page with Robin, the Boy Blunder (as Alfred used to call him. Unless that was The Joker '67?).
The page after Batman is a full page spread of Wonder Woman. Ha ha! Fooled you! Of course it isn't because she's not as important as the two men even though, just a page earlier, Harbinger said she was. No, she doesn't even get a small mention. I guess she's been mentioned enough, probably because she didn't help the world the way Black Canary and Merry did.
The next two pages highlight eight more heroes and not one of them is Wonder Woman. You might be surprised to find that they are, like Superman, Batman, and Robin, white men. Oh, you weren't surprised? Sorry! I thought you were more naïve than that. Excuse me while I recalibrate how much I patronize my readers. Here's the mistake! I had the dial set to "Bunny Rabbits". I'll turn it up to "Newly Owned Ferret". Better?
Do newspapers typically print corrections to their articles in the middle of the article because that's what I'm about to do on this blog entry!
CORRECTION: The two pages following Superman and Batman detail nine characters, one of which is, in fact, a white woman: Hawkwoman. I know, it hardly counts seeing as how she's only included because Hawkman was deemed important enough to be mentioned this quickly in the History. I would have left him out entirely but then I've never been a fan, especially after Liefeld's attempt to write a Hawkman story during The New 52. I could blame Liefeld's failure on Tony S. Daniel who failed to write the first batch of New 52 Hawkman stories but when have I ever let Rob Liefeld off the hook? Never! Fuck that guy! He once drew a panel of Deathstroke with something (a tree or patch of grass or something) bisecting Deathstroke in the foreground and forgot to draw one of Deathstroke's legs on the other side of the bisecting object! There's being bad at art and there's so bad at art that you forget to add major body parts to the person you're drawing bad at art! So bad! And worse at writing!
I'm going to assume that Harbinger lists the heroes in the order of importance so I'll put her list here, seeing as how it's so historical.
DC Superheroes By Importance
1. Superman.
2. Batman.
2 and 1/2. Robin.
3. The Flash.
4. Green Lantern (Hal Jordan).
5. The Atom.
6. Hawkman.
6 and 1/2. Hawkman's wife, Hawkwoman.
7. Aquaman (I'd argue too high on the list. Much too high!).
8. Captain Atom.
9. Green Arrow.
10. Blue Beetle.
If you're thinking, "That can't be the top ten most important heroes in the DC Universe! They forgot X!", you have a point. But she'll get to X, I'm sure. There are still so many fucking pages in this thing and all Harbinger is really doing is listing heroes and explaining who they are in a few simple sentences.
No wonder I've never liked Hawkman! He came to Earth to learn how to do his job from Earth cops?! Fuuuuuuuuuck! Die in a fire in a giant Wickerman, you piece of shit!
If any cops are reading this, before you judge me too harshly, I just want you to understand one thing: I fucking hate cops.
I might have felt Aquaman was too high up on the list and I suspect Harbinger might also since she introduces him with "The hybrid from Atlantis finally came forth as Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas. He sucks."
After Harbinger lists the top ten heroes in the DC Universe, forgetting Wonder Woman somehow, she lists a few heroes and heroic organizations by how sexy they are. She does this vertically in three columns.
I might have felt Aquaman was too high up on the list and I suspect Harbinger might also since she introduces him with "The hybrid from Atlantis finally came forth as Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas. He sucks."
After Harbinger lists the top ten heroes in the DC Universe, forgetting Wonder Woman somehow, she lists a few heroes and heroic organizations by how sexy they are. She does this vertically in three columns.
The Sexiness Scale goes from the "dry as the Mojave" Guardians to the "how did this room get so full of pussy juice and jizz" Dolphin.
Pussy Juice and Jizz sounds like Don Draper's second favorite cocktail.
I think everybody can agree on Harbinger's Sexiness Order: Guardians, Cave Carson, Challengers of the Unknown, Adam Strange, Starfire, the Sea Devils, and Dolphin. I'm sure some people think Cave Carson was probably pretty sexy based on the Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye but you realize there's a reason he explored caves, right? Major Uggo! Just no rizz at all. The original Troglodyte.
From here, Harbinger moves fully into the Silver Age of Heroes and a time when DC's editors were all, "Comics are for kids so they don't have to make much sense! Just put a fucking weird cover on the thing and who cares what happens in the pages!" Meanwhile, Marvel was busy writing to the incels of the time who were all, "I'm just like Peter Parker! My boss hates me and I can't get laid either!"
I think everybody can agree on Harbinger's Sexiness Order: Guardians, Cave Carson, Challengers of the Unknown, Adam Strange, Starfire, the Sea Devils, and Dolphin. I'm sure some people think Cave Carson was probably pretty sexy based on the Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye but you realize there's a reason he explored caves, right? Major Uggo! Just no rizz at all. The original Troglodyte.
From here, Harbinger moves fully into the Silver Age of Heroes and a time when DC's editors were all, "Comics are for kids so they don't have to make much sense! Just put a fucking weird cover on the thing and who cares what happens in the pages!" Meanwhile, Marvel was busy writing to the incels of the time who were all, "I'm just like Peter Parker! My boss hates me and I can't get laid either!"
Harbinger so doesn't want to have to explain Wonder Girl and her relationship to Wonder Woman that she completely leaves out Wonder Woman and takes no questions on why a teen group made of young partners of the JLA includes a girl who has no adult companion in the JLA panel above.
Harbinger mentions the Metal Men, B'wana Beast, Ultra the Multi-Alien, Metamorpho, Mera, Zatanna, Eclipso, Dial "H" for Hero, the Question, Prince Ra-Man, Deadman, The Creeper, and Johnny Man, Son of Vulcan in a bit about the philosophical drive for people without powers risking their lives and the obviousness of people with powers saving people for easy clout. But she doesn't spare a single word for Ragman even though George Perez too the time to draw him with the others!
Here's something I just learned from this comic book (which I must have known since 1987 but immediately forgot because I did read this in 1987): Mera was born on a water planet in another galaxy. What? No way! Not that I don't believe Harbinger has studiously researched this history and taken great care to get the facts correct but I'm checking the Who's Who anyway! This can't be right!
Here's something I just learned from this comic book (which I must have known since 1987 but immediately forgot because I did read this in 1987): Mera was born on a water planet in another galaxy. What? No way! Not that I don't believe Harbinger has studiously researched this history and taken great care to get the facts correct but I'm checking the Who's Who anyway! This can't be right!
Oh! Okay, I knew this. It was Harbinger's use of the phrase "born in another galaxy on a planet of water" that confused the fuck out of me. I think Harbinger needs to add a correction!
Leaving the historical aspect of her history fully behind her, Harbinger begins contemplating the question of what makes somebody a hero? Ostensibly, this helps fill out her historical record with all the groups that fought for justice throughout time. Realistically? It's the most efficient way to list one DC trademark after another. King Faraday. Sarge Steel. Rick Flag, Jr. The Suicide Squad. Mockingbird. The Secret Six. The Doom Patrol. Robot Man.
Harbinger concludes that what makes a hero a hero, and what has enabled humanity to rise above all creatures that preceded them, was their ability to sacrifice for the greater good. Really? I think ants probably do it much better.
But then she realizes she's been conflating "humanity" with "heroes" so she quickly adds, "Heroes are not confined to Earth!" She then goes on to explain The New Gods. She adds Brainiac to the list even though he's evil and then some other nonsense that I don't recognize before getting right back to just listing Earth heroes, those with powers and those without! Peacemaker! Firestorm! The Manhunter! Firebird! Warlord! Jemm! Atomic Knight! Baron Winters!
But then, again realizing she's concentrating too much on Earth, Harbinger begins listing some other places!
Harbinger concludes that what makes a hero a hero, and what has enabled humanity to rise above all creatures that preceded them, was their ability to sacrifice for the greater good. Really? I think ants probably do it much better.
But then she realizes she's been conflating "humanity" with "heroes" so she quickly adds, "Heroes are not confined to Earth!" She then goes on to explain The New Gods. She adds Brainiac to the list even though he's evil and then some other nonsense that I don't recognize before getting right back to just listing Earth heroes, those with powers and those without! Peacemaker! Firestorm! The Manhunter! Firebird! Warlord! Jemm! Atomic Knight! Baron Winters!
But then, again realizing she's concentrating too much on Earth, Harbinger begins listing some other places!
Stop reminding me that Halo is actually just a weird bubble of light! She was my big crush when a teenager!
I thought this "History" was going to be full of some kind of timeline of the DC Universe but it contains less information than Who's Who. I guess that makes sense since Who's Who contains a lot of information over multiple issues and this history tries to cover thousands of years of history in just two prestige format books. But I really think a large poster that you unscroll horizontally that just lists a timeline with various names listed by the years would be more useful.
With the last third of the history left, and even more heroes having been listed (sometimes literally as when Harbinger just lists Blue Devil, Power Girl, Black Orchid, Air Wave, Vigilante, and Red Tornado), Harbinger turns her attention to Crisis on Infinite Earths and the history of the thing that never happened which allowed the universe to be the way it now is.
With the last third of the history left, and even more heroes having been listed (sometimes literally as when Harbinger just lists Blue Devil, Power Girl, Black Orchid, Air Wave, Vigilante, and Red Tornado), Harbinger turns her attention to Crisis on Infinite Earths and the history of the thing that never happened which allowed the universe to be the way it now is.
I see the advantage of just listing the heroes with brief description because try explaining Infinity, Inc, post-Crisis!
Wonder Woman finally gets a mention, I guess because her history was so changed by Crisis on Infinite Earths that it made no sense to include her anywhere else. Also, I guess her soul was the soul of the unborn baby of the cavewoman murdered early on in the first book of this history? I never read any Wonder Woman in my early comic book years.
Lastly, Harbinger mentions all the future shit but that's future shit so who cares? She thought she could set down the future history of the DC Universe in 1987?! Zero Hour hadn't even happened yet! So naïve!
History of the DC Universe: Book Two Rating: C. The first book felt more like a history book, probably because it had so many eras to cover. Since this book concentrated on the 20th Century, most of it post-World War II, it simply became a catalogue of heroes who have appeared in DC comics. This turned the history into an introspective look into what makes a person a hero. Eventually, Harbinger comes to the conclusion that if you follow the "so-called Golden Rule", as she puts it, you're a hero! Congratulations to anybody who follows it! And even more of a congratulations to anybody who follows the inverse expression of it (Do not do unto others that which you would not want done unto you!). We can all be heroes! But the limiting nature of this half of the history made it far more boring than the first. Luckily, Pérez's art makes the entire thing worthwhile. It's fun to just gaze at all of the various characters and landscapes he's drawn for this thing.
Lastly, Harbinger mentions all the future shit but that's future shit so who cares? She thought she could set down the future history of the DC Universe in 1987?! Zero Hour hadn't even happened yet! So naïve!
History of the DC Universe: Book Two Rating: C. The first book felt more like a history book, probably because it had so many eras to cover. Since this book concentrated on the 20th Century, most of it post-World War II, it simply became a catalogue of heroes who have appeared in DC comics. This turned the history into an introspective look into what makes a person a hero. Eventually, Harbinger comes to the conclusion that if you follow the "so-called Golden Rule", as she puts it, you're a hero! Congratulations to anybody who follows it! And even more of a congratulations to anybody who follows the inverse expression of it (Do not do unto others that which you would not want done unto you!). We can all be heroes! But the limiting nature of this half of the history made it far more boring than the first. Luckily, Pérez's art makes the entire thing worthwhile. It's fun to just gaze at all of the various characters and landscapes he's drawn for this thing.
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