I dare! I dare!
Prospero's army of fictional monsters were set loose at the end of the last issue with help from Mina and James Bond and Orlando and all the others because they've all been manipulated by Prospero and the Fairies for hundreds of years! It's only the fifth issue out of six so I don't feel like this is the big twist. An even bigger one has got to be around the corner. But in the meantime, the world is about to be destroyed by Shirtless and Winged Spock, Sam Weir, the mascots from The Trees of Mystery, Harambe, a massive acid-spitting pronoun, and Frankenconductor. I don't know about you but I think I could take them. At the very least, I could defeat Sam by throwing an egg at him and ruining his stupid fucking life. Nerd!
In this issue's "Cheated Champions of Your Childhood" segment (Alan Moore playing fast and loose with the word "your"), Moore lets slip exactly what they're parodying this issue: "British reprints of pre-code American crime and horror comics." Does he do that every issue and I just missed it? I think every issue, I'm supposed to understand what's being parodied by the style and career of the person who was cheated. Or, at least, the era in which they worked. Because Moore ties the theme into the reason they're spotlighting this month's Cheated Champion: Denis McLoughlin!
In this issue's "Cheated Champions of Your Childhood" segment (Alan Moore playing fast and loose with the word "your"), Moore lets slip exactly what they're parodying this issue: "British reprints of pre-code American crime and horror comics." Does he do that every issue and I just missed it? I think every issue, I'm supposed to understand what's being parodied by the style and career of the person who was cheated. Or, at least, the era in which they worked. Because Moore ties the theme into the reason they're spotlighting this month's Cheated Champion: Denis McLoughlin!
Holy shit!
Man, Alan Moore fucking hates business people as much as The Kids in the Hall do! I suppose since one of the themes of Jerusalem is that artistic nostalgia can redeem us, I can see why he can't stand what publishing companies do to the artists who create all of the art. I don't mean to suggest that he pays them much mind during his life. He's too busy creating! But when he does think about them, he's not holding back. And yet he's doing it in such a fun and whimsical way. I love me some seriously subversive art. That's why I like The Monkees so much!
Shut up. You don't know.
Oh, I didn't finish my thought about how little Moore thinks of the people on the business side! I brought it up because it seems the people on the business side think about the artists all the time and how much they hate them and despise having to pay them and they resent them for every single imaginative creation they produce because the money grubbing business assholes couldn't come up with a fun thought if they were, um, forced to come up with a fun thought! Stupid headed fart butts.
This issue begins with Osiris telling Richard Dadd to kill his father (whom he thinks is the devil). Whenever I read a name in a League comic, I always check it on Wikipedia so I can get some context and possibly understand some of what Moore's going for in the story. If you're reading this, you're on the Internet (presumably! I'm sorry for anybody reading this if I actually got around to printing all 4000+ reviews as 'zines! But you probably have a Musk Brand Brain Internet Connection so you can just quickly learn about it from Musk's AI Wikipedia. I'm sorry that you still won't be any less ignorant than before, you poor future thing) so you can look it up yourself. It's quite a sad story in only one aspect: the fact he killed his father. All the other stuff? Grand! Inspirational! A dream! He wound up living nearly 40 years of his life in a mental institution painting every single day and just doing art. And all he had to do was kill his father?! Man. My dad owes me so much, I wonder if he'd let me do a Dick Dadd on him?
Shut up. You don't know.
Oh, I didn't finish my thought about how little Moore thinks of the people on the business side! I brought it up because it seems the people on the business side think about the artists all the time and how much they hate them and despise having to pay them and they resent them for every single imaginative creation they produce because the money grubbing business assholes couldn't come up with a fun thought if they were, um, forced to come up with a fun thought! Stupid headed fart butts.
This issue begins with Osiris telling Richard Dadd to kill his father (whom he thinks is the devil). Whenever I read a name in a League comic, I always check it on Wikipedia so I can get some context and possibly understand some of what Moore's going for in the story. If you're reading this, you're on the Internet (presumably! I'm sorry for anybody reading this if I actually got around to printing all 4000+ reviews as 'zines! But you probably have a Musk Brand Brain Internet Connection so you can just quickly learn about it from Musk's AI Wikipedia. I'm sorry that you still won't be any less ignorant than before, you poor future thing) so you can look it up yourself. It's quite a sad story in only one aspect: the fact he killed his father. All the other stuff? Grand! Inspirational! A dream! He wound up living nearly 40 years of his life in a mental institution painting every single day and just doing art. And all he had to do was kill his father?! Man. My dad owes me so much, I wonder if he'd let me do a Dick Dadd on him?
Here's O'Neill's interpretation of him.
And here's Dadd. Kev fucking nailed the eyes! (Photo by Henry Hering.)
What young Dick tries to describe is the sudden onset of schizophrenia. Probably! Two of his siblings had it and another one might have. It's either that or Moonknightinism. Dadd's narration is mostly from a small gnome, a figure you can see in his work, "The Fairy Feller's Master-Stroke." He declares that the image he painted was the final moment before fairy set loose upon the world all of its fictional monsters and nightmares. Looking at the painting, you can see a fairy about to bring a hammer down on an acorn while the self-portrait of Dadd as a gnome huddles by looking anxious and worried. He has painted the final moment of the world and then become trapped within.
The moment after the last moment of a world not undergoing an apocalypse.
If you don't have your 3D glasses on, that's Mina and Jack in the background trying to escape the world of Faerie so they can return home and save it from Sam Weir, Harambe, and Baba Yaga's Chicken Hut (not featured on the cover but featured within).
When everybody's fictional nightmares have been released (I'm assuming some people have a phobia for bunnies so you've got to believe Fivel and Peter Cottontail are out there tearing people's heads off), London has a major blackout. They're probably related but since nobody in London knows that their childhood nightmares are roaming the streets, they just assume Tory incompetence. Also Labor incompetence. Fuck Starmer.
Oh, they're also probably not related because I just remembered that Electrowoman caused the blackout by having an orgasm in the middle of the street. I mean tantrum. It's just I haven't acted like a horny comic book reader yet and something was bound to give.
Understanding that I have the mind of a horny juvenile (and also because he's parodying those aforementioned horror and crime comic books), Alan Moore has introduced a ghostly narrator character helping keep the plot straight for me.
When everybody's fictional nightmares have been released (I'm assuming some people have a phobia for bunnies so you've got to believe Fivel and Peter Cottontail are out there tearing people's heads off), London has a major blackout. They're probably related but since nobody in London knows that their childhood nightmares are roaming the streets, they just assume Tory incompetence. Also Labor incompetence. Fuck Starmer.
Oh, they're also probably not related because I just remembered that Electrowoman caused the blackout by having an orgasm in the middle of the street. I mean tantrum. It's just I haven't acted like a horny comic book reader yet and something was bound to give.
Understanding that I have the mind of a horny juvenile (and also because he's parodying those aforementioned horror and crime comic books), Alan Moore has introduced a ghostly narrator character helping keep the plot straight for me.
Great. Now I want to fuck Marsman.
The paper used in this comic book is of such high quality and are so glaringly white that my scanner often reads the white border as the underside of the scanner's lid and cuts it out of the scanning preview as you can see in the previous scan where my scanner decided the top of the page was the top of the panels and not the extra quarter inch of white paper that was also scanned.
Those were two of the Bonds that killed each other thanks to Marsman and his titties. The last three movie Bonds remain back at Vauxhall monitoring the blackout. Their generators give them enough power to receive incoming messages from around the world and they realize that monsters have begun attacking the rest of the world. Oh, also London is under attack by werewolves. Get it? Ha ha!
Mina, Jack, the Hercules fellow, the racist doll, and the other ones I've forgotten try to flee the Blazing World but are attacked by Demogorgon. It's not the Demogorgon that's the rival of Orcus. It's, according to Mina, "a monster of the people." Basically it represents ignorant populists who believe they can understand the world through "common sense" and "gut instincts" and "intuition." So naïve!
Those were two of the Bonds that killed each other thanks to Marsman and his titties. The last three movie Bonds remain back at Vauxhall monitoring the blackout. Their generators give them enough power to receive incoming messages from around the world and they realize that monsters have begun attacking the rest of the world. Oh, also London is under attack by werewolves. Get it? Ha ha!
Mina, Jack, the Hercules fellow, the racist doll, and the other ones I've forgotten try to flee the Blazing World but are attacked by Demogorgon. It's not the Demogorgon that's the rival of Orcus. It's, according to Mina, "a monster of the people." Basically it represents ignorant populists who believe they can understand the world through "common sense" and "gut instincts" and "intuition." So naïve!
Oh, now you're going to fetch your 3D glasses, hunh?
I don't know why Coghlan stripped naked to fight the Demogorgon. It's probably some lore I'm unfamiliar with. Next time I meet Demogorgon in a D & D campaign though, I'll know how to defeat that bastard.
Let me once again state how incredible the 3D work is on this comic book. Standing ovation to Charles Bernard and Christian LeBlanc who worked on the 3D process in this comic. Fantastic!
The little feller whose name I don't remember, the sporty guy in the flat cap, cuts the Demogorgon's head off with the scythe he won off the grim reaper. He mentioned it an issue or two ago and I probably thought he was just bullshitting everybody and it wouldn't be important to the plot. Oops!
After Demogorgon lies dead, the team reboard the Nautilus and head back to Lincoln Island to meet up with Orlando's team and figure out how to save the world.
Demogorgon losing its head is the exact middle of this issue. That's probably important. Something about populist comic book readers holding no power over how the story should end. They've just gone back to watching television, jerking off, and tweeting about how angry they are that they heard a rumor that there were three Black men playing Stormtroopers in A New Hope. I guess they need to feel like they've developed the ability to discern the Anti-Male and Anti-White secret messages in all forms of entertainment media (but especially those things created after 2008 because, well, you know why). I don't get why ordinary idiots can't just be happy being ordinary and living an ordinary life while being a dumb idiot who can't enjoy their stupid comic books anymore because a bunch of dumb dillholes like Ethan Van Sciver have serious low self-esteem issues? Stop trying to keep everybody else at your level, jerkos! This extremely online portion of the "ordinary" population constantly scream about freedom and free speech but then when the idiot they voted for gets into office, they seem to cheer all of his moves to end the free speech and freedoms of loads of other Americans. We see you, you assholes. And we will never forget. I wish somebody in a flat cap would cut all of their heads off!
The next story is called "What Happened at 3:08 AM?" Oh, did I mention this issue was divided into four stories like an old horror or crime comic book? This third one is about Mindman and Captain Universe. They've finally arrived back in London to help their old Seven Stars friends. But Mindman can't seem to get over the thought that something that he can't psychically see is going to happen at 3:08 AM! Doesn't that usually mean, if you're psychic, that it's the time of your death? When you can't see it clearly?! If I were Mindman, I'd be all, "I see myself shitting my pants soon!"
Meanwhile, a 3D fairy (who was also seen lurking in London in the story with the Werewolves of London) delivers a small box with the symbol of the original League of Extraordinary Gentlemen on it (a question mark) to Vauxhall. The movie James Bondses, not being incredibly smart or perceptive, bring it inside and decide to open it. A massive radioactive explosion occurs but Captain Universe and Mindman arrive just in time for Captain Universe to use his Polylocation power to contain the blast by making thousands of copies of himself and surrounding the blast with his bodies. M, the old main James Bond turned youthful, was not in the building because he was out test driving his fancy 007 car. He sees Captain Universe and Mindman save London and follows them to Orlando's team who are evacuating in one of Nemo's stealth fighters. Bond follows after them in his flying stealth car that's also a watch.
Let me once again state how incredible the 3D work is on this comic book. Standing ovation to Charles Bernard and Christian LeBlanc who worked on the 3D process in this comic. Fantastic!
The little feller whose name I don't remember, the sporty guy in the flat cap, cuts the Demogorgon's head off with the scythe he won off the grim reaper. He mentioned it an issue or two ago and I probably thought he was just bullshitting everybody and it wouldn't be important to the plot. Oops!
After Demogorgon lies dead, the team reboard the Nautilus and head back to Lincoln Island to meet up with Orlando's team and figure out how to save the world.
Demogorgon losing its head is the exact middle of this issue. That's probably important. Something about populist comic book readers holding no power over how the story should end. They've just gone back to watching television, jerking off, and tweeting about how angry they are that they heard a rumor that there were three Black men playing Stormtroopers in A New Hope. I guess they need to feel like they've developed the ability to discern the Anti-Male and Anti-White secret messages in all forms of entertainment media (but especially those things created after 2008 because, well, you know why). I don't get why ordinary idiots can't just be happy being ordinary and living an ordinary life while being a dumb idiot who can't enjoy their stupid comic books anymore because a bunch of dumb dillholes like Ethan Van Sciver have serious low self-esteem issues? Stop trying to keep everybody else at your level, jerkos! This extremely online portion of the "ordinary" population constantly scream about freedom and free speech but then when the idiot they voted for gets into office, they seem to cheer all of his moves to end the free speech and freedoms of loads of other Americans. We see you, you assholes. And we will never forget. I wish somebody in a flat cap would cut all of their heads off!
The next story is called "What Happened at 3:08 AM?" Oh, did I mention this issue was divided into four stories like an old horror or crime comic book? This third one is about Mindman and Captain Universe. They've finally arrived back in London to help their old Seven Stars friends. But Mindman can't seem to get over the thought that something that he can't psychically see is going to happen at 3:08 AM! Doesn't that usually mean, if you're psychic, that it's the time of your death? When you can't see it clearly?! If I were Mindman, I'd be all, "I see myself shitting my pants soon!"
Meanwhile, a 3D fairy (who was also seen lurking in London in the story with the Werewolves of London) delivers a small box with the symbol of the original League of Extraordinary Gentlemen on it (a question mark) to Vauxhall. The movie James Bondses, not being incredibly smart or perceptive, bring it inside and decide to open it. A massive radioactive explosion occurs but Captain Universe and Mindman arrive just in time for Captain Universe to use his Polylocation power to contain the blast by making thousands of copies of himself and surrounding the blast with his bodies. M, the old main James Bond turned youthful, was not in the building because he was out test driving his fancy 007 car. He sees Captain Universe and Mindman save London and follows them to Orlando's team who are evacuating in one of Nemo's stealth fighters. Bond follows after them in his flying stealth car that's also a watch.
The final story's name is a totally hilarious literature pun!
Computer Van Dusen describes loads of scary things happening all over the world: Cthulhu, Giants, Vril-ya, vampires, and even the black monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Sounds like everybody might be just a little bit fucked. That's why the League are getting out on Nemo's new ship, the Character Ark! Or maybe it's just called the Nautilus again. But this time, it's a space rocket that looks like a squid! Cool! They're headed to the moon where there's more black monolith activity. Also maybe a secret League base or something. I don't know! I haven't read Issue 6 yet. I mean at least not for six years! And whoever I was six years ago certainly didn't decide to retain any of the story for current me! Selfish prick.
The fifth part of the Seven Stars comic detailing their final battle contains the secret origin of Flash Avenger.
The fifth part of the Seven Stars comic detailing their final battle contains the secret origin of Flash Avenger.
Gross! Poor people! Flash Avenger is my fave!
I'm not cross-posting these on tumblr anymore because I'm fucking tired of tumblr phasing out and not existing every three minutes or so and when I try to visit the site when it's not quite lined up with our reality, my browser crashes. But if I was, I'd probably be chastised by at least a few people for that previous caption because they don't have any ability to discern facetiousness. Or maybe not. Are they all still doing that Goncharov crap? Or that thing where somebody misuses a word and then somebody else reblogs it with, "No, that's X! What you're thinking of is Y!" But Y isn't right either and the next person is all, "No, that's Y! What you're thinking of is Z!" But then Z isn't right either and it just keeps going and oh it's so hilarious I'm pissing three pairs of underwear right now just thinking about it!
What I was trying to say before I so rudely insulted people on tumblr was that thank Christ's corpse that there were people who took pity on poor people like all of my friends' families when I was the poorest kid everybody knew growing up. Phil's family and Daniel's family and Sal's family and Davide's family and Doug's family and of course my aunt and uncle all treated me like I wasn't a dirty, stinky, smell, annoying piece of shit. Maybe I wasn't all of those things but if I was, they sure didn't make me think I was!
The Seven Stars battle the 'Mass but can't get the upper hand. It kills most of the British superheroes while every power the Seven Stars possess prove to be ineffective. But Vull comes up with a plan! She won't tell anybody though because that's how comic books work. You have to wait until the next issue.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Volume 4: The Tempest #5 Rating: A+. What more do you want? I have a headache and I'm tired! Come up with a conclusion to the review yourself, you lazy bastich!
What I was trying to say before I so rudely insulted people on tumblr was that thank Christ's corpse that there were people who took pity on poor people like all of my friends' families when I was the poorest kid everybody knew growing up. Phil's family and Daniel's family and Sal's family and Davide's family and Doug's family and of course my aunt and uncle all treated me like I wasn't a dirty, stinky, smell, annoying piece of shit. Maybe I wasn't all of those things but if I was, they sure didn't make me think I was!
The Seven Stars battle the 'Mass but can't get the upper hand. It kills most of the British superheroes while every power the Seven Stars possess prove to be ineffective. But Vull comes up with a plan! She won't tell anybody though because that's how comic books work. You have to wait until the next issue.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Volume 4: The Tempest #5 Rating: A+. What more do you want? I have a headache and I'm tired! Come up with a conclusion to the review yourself, you lazy bastich!
Satin Astro!
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