Green Lantern #19 (December 1991)

I forgot how huge Alan Scott was.

I had this theory when I was a wee lad that everything in the past was immensely bigger due to atoms and the things inside atoms (quantum guts?) squeezing together more and more as time moved forward. So the Earth was much more massive but still on the same scale according to the other planets we observe today. I don't know what my theory was trying to prove. Why dinosaur bones are so massive? That giants actually did exist like the Bible tells us? That the universe was actually shrinking? Perhaps I just didn't understand the concept of theories. What I'm trying to explain is that younger me would have totally understood this cover. "Of course Alan Scott is massive! He's from the '40s! People in the '40s were way bigger than modern folk It's all in my book, 'The Squash Principle' which I wrote when I was six."

Another theory I had was that déjà vu was due to the unending cyclical nature of the universe and how we continually live the same lives over and over again. I think I told my friend Bobby Henline that theory at a sleepover at his place one night when we were like eleven. He probably just responded, "MAGA! Guns, guns, guns! You're fired!" No, wait. That's Bobby Henline now! I can see how I could get mixed up though, due to the cyclical and repeating nature of the universe. It's sometimes hard to remember what part of your life you're currently living.

This great big anniversary edition begins with John Stewart trying to take away the freedom of some long-necked blue aliens who love to murder Blobels.

Maybe they hate Blobels. But maybe they love killing Blobels! How can they do that behind their own borders? Fascist!

I don't think we've seen these aliens before. They're too weird to be recurring characters. They've got those weird Satyr legs and ankles and long llama necks and big fat thick wormy tails coming directly out of their groins. Hmm, maybe they're not tails. Also maybe their necks aren't necks and their heads aren't heads! I'm making a lot of assumptions based on my humanoid biases! For all I know, each finger could be a big fat swollen clitoris and their eyes could be glassy membranes holding back their bowel movements! I'm not the only one that's suddenly horny, right?

Being an anniversary issue, the proper way to fill the extra pages is to have the character think about how they got to this point in their lives. This was 1991 so you needed a lot of extra room to explain a character's past over the last few decades. Unlike, say, in 2011 when you've jettisoned all of that baggage and hired Scott Lobdell to write fantastic first pages that begin, "My name is Superboy. I'm a boy who is super." Why didn't anybody come up with such succinct introductions before that?!

John remembers how he's an architect and how he's a back-up, back-up Green Lantern and how he married Katma Tui and how Star Sapphire killed Katma Tui and how he became a miserable wreck who couldn't pay attention to his job and got an entire planet killed. That only takes up five panels and gives a lot of information quickly and in a personal way. Could it be Lobdell's method was actually a step backwards in story telling?!

After telling the reader about himself, John goes on to aggrandize both Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner. Yeah, I know! He actually thinks up some nice things to say about Hal Jordan!

Oh, you probably thought it would be harder to think up nice things about Guy, didn't you?

Pre-brain-damaged Guy was a way better person than Hal Jordan. I would also point out that Hal Jordan has become a much better person since Emerald Dawn but why bother? Everybody already loves him so much. "Mmm, mmm, Hal Jordan! You're so bold and perfect and square-jawed! And your dick is huge! I can't get enough of your dick, Hal Jordan! Mmm! Mmm! So good!" You know, Guy's got a dick too! Maybe if it were stroked a little more often, he wouldn't be so irate and moody!

John Stewart's spiraling about why he was chosen to keep order on the Mosaic world (which used to be Oa). He comes to the conclusion that he's the most exploitable because he's the best student. Man, do I feel that! I remember one time in typing class on a Friday when we were always allowed to do our own work but Mr. Gary, knowing I was the best typist, wanted me to type up some worksheets for him. I'm not sure what I said to him in the moment because I was enraged but it amounted to "Fuck off, pudding man." Later that class, he asked my friend Paul what was wrong with me and I think Paul's answer was a simple shrug as opposed to Paul's entire theory of all the fucked up shit that was wrong with me. Because he wanted so badly to be my friend! And he still is! Thanks, Paul!

John's moping turns into "John has a vision."

Is it a vision or is it just a hallucination brought on by touching blue llama Satyr finger clit sweat?

John is right. The Justice Society disappeared forever ago. Was it due to Crisis on Infinite Earths or did it happen before that? Probably Crisis seeing as how the Justice Society were on a whole different Earth. So when did we learn that they were trapped in a bottle battling Ragnarokian beetles with paddles in a muddy puddle paddle beetle bottle battle?

Instead of assuming that he'd eaten some alien psychedelic something or other, John decides Alan Scott actually visited him in a vision. I guess architects don't believe in Occam's Razor. Although how well does Occam's Razor actually work as a means of understanding the world when you live in a comic book?! In a comic book, usually the most wildly inconceivable answer is the correct one. Anyway, John rushes off to Earth to stop looking for scars although, um, isn't that just what he's doing? The Earth is the past, man! Suck it up and become a citizen of Mosaic already! Stop miring yourself in the past, especially the super duper old past from the '40s!

Chapter Two concerns Hal Jordan. He's still recruiting for the Corps and while doing so, he finds himself on a planet ruled by Alan Scott's old buddie, Doiby Dickles. This comic book wasn't kidding about celebrating fifty years of DC history! Even if we're on the other side of Crisis on Infinite Earths. I suppose it would be hard to have a 50th anniversary celebration if you kept reminding everybody at the party that you threw the majority of the first 45 years into the bin five years ago.

Doiby turned a good portion of his planet into the Brooklyn of the '40s and '50s. He also taught everybody on the planet to speak like a '50s New York bum. I don't mean a houseless person! I mean a bum! As in what you'd call some no-good jerk neighbor in the '50s! Although they were probably all, "I'm calling this guy a bum because I don't understand how people can become down on their luck. And what I don't understand scares me!"

Anyways, I'm skipping over most of the Doiby stuff because who the fuck cares about Doiby Dickles and his old timey way of life? I was probably bored by it in 1991 so I'm absurdly bored by it in 2024. I seriously hope Chapter Three doesn't have Guy Gardner discussing the past with Pieface.

The "help" Doiby is about to suggest is Alan Scott.

Hal points out to Doiby that Alan Scott disappeared years ago. I don't know how Doiby didn't also disappear. I'm fucking surprised Hal Jordan even remembers Doiby and Alan. I'm pretty sure they should have ceased to exist in the DC Universe by 1991.

Alan Scott appears in a vision to Hal and Doiby too. He tells Hal to seek him out. So he and Doiby hop in Doiby's space cab and head to Earth to find some answers. Why Earth? Because Alan Scott didn't leave them any clues to his current whereabouts except that he was an Earth-based Green Lantern that wasn't affiliated with the Corps.

Time for Guy Gardner and Chapter Three! Guy only gets to pout for a couple of panels before Alan Scott appears to him because the entire last issue was a Guy Gardner issue. Some readers were probably sick of him by this point. Not me. I can't get enough Guy Gardner, even when he's written like a total Republican.

I'm not going to express what I'm pretty sure Guy's reaction to this was being that it was basically written in the '80s.

Guy Gardner's reaction wasn't to flaunt his Gaydar but to exclaim, "That was weird! It doesn't seem wise to follow that gay ghost guy. But it might be exciting!" So Guy flies back down to Earth (he was messing around in orbit obliterating small heavenly bodies) to investigate the disappearance of Alan Scott (who wasn't expressly gay in 1991 but we all saw his choice of collars. Most heterosexuals weren't that big on camp back then). Guy's first stop: visit Alan's children, Jade and Obsidian! That probably won't help because aren't they still super confused about how they exist on this Earth post-Crisis anyway?! Man, I really need to re-read Crisis on Infinite Earths. And probably that follow-up series about the complete history of the DCU which was all, "This is how it is now. We know you hate it. But you have to accept it. At least until Zero Hour and Infinite Crisis and 52 and The New 52 and Rebirth and whatever else we eventually come up with to fuck canon in its every orifice."

Todd and Jennifer-Lynn don't know shit about what became of their father. They suggest Guy go see Harlequin. That's when John arrives and says, "Maybe we should go see Harlequin." Then they run into Hal and Doiby on their way to see Harlequin. So they all go knock on Harlequin's door together, forgetting she's an old woman. She probably won't freak out too badly about three Green Lanterns showing up at her door. But seeing Doiby Dickles? Ugh. Gross. I'd rather blow out my rectum straining on a rock hard opiate shit.

I don't know what I have against Doiby Dickles. Let's play a game! I'll scan a picture of Doiby and you decide for yourselves what I have against him!

Doiby's the short fucker in the stupid hat with the irritating look on his dopey face.

The Harlequin (not to be confused with Harley Quinn who isn't old and not sexy) shows the Lanterns and fuckfart a message that Alan Scott left on the wall of their house: "I am needed. I will return, I promise you!" I'm not sure about that comma. But what do I know? I only have a college degree in Reading Shit. Maybe if I'd gotten a degree in Writing Shit, I'd know how to use commas correctly.

Old Harls pulls out Alan's old lantern that has nothing to do with the Guardians of the Universe to show the other Lanterns that wherever he is, he's got to be out of power by now. But then the lantern (which always has power? Why even bother with a ring? Just carry the lantern around!) conjures up an image of Alan Scott and confesses that it was the one who contacted them because it was lonely.

It sounds like Alan was fucking his lantern.

Not knowing when the lantern was last cleaned, nobody wants to fuck it. So they figure they'd better find Alan Scott and get his dick back to his wife and mistress so the lantern stops bothering everybody.

Did Alan Scott invent the fleshlight?

Guy Gardner says what everybody was thinking (including me!): How fucking lucky was Alan Scott to have a Green Lantern ring but no bosses? And his weakness was to wood instead of yellow. I bet wood is far less common to have to deal with because what super villain goes around hitting people with wood? Other than The Floronic Man and Mister Cricket (copyright me!)? Alan's lantern decides to show him how it came to be and how Alan got the cushiest Green Lantern gig in the DC Universe.

Chapter Four recounts Alan Scott's origin.

Was this drawn by a 4th grader who won some kind of DC sweepstakes?

Oh shit. This section was drawn by Martin Nodell, the creator of Alan Scott! I'm such a fucking asshole. Why couldn't I have had a mother who would often tell me, "If you can't write something nice, don't write anything at all"? Instead I got a mother who constantly yelled, "Get that slut out of this house!" So unfair.

The Green Lanterns are boggled by this Yalan Gur. Not because he looks more idiotic than Howard the Duck but because his ring works against both yellow and wood! And he's not bothering to follow any of the rules handed down by the Guardians of the Universe! He's a fucking maverick! This guy's my new favorite Green Lantern! I wonder why stupid 20 year old me didn't fall in love with duck-faced Yalan Gur when I first read this? What an idiot I was.

You know what the Guardians also told you not to do? Kill an entire planet of aliens, you bootlicker!

Alan Scott's battery explains that Yalan Gur was the teacher's pet. The Guardians loved this guy (and rightly so!). But then he was nearly killed by a yellow monster and the Guardians were all, "Maybe we shouldn't have created the yellow flaw? Was that a stupid idea? Should we take it out?" And so they did! But just for their favorite boy, Yalan!

Right? Fuck those little blue assholes!

You know what? I'm really enjoying Marty's cartoony pages. Also he was 76 by this time and really hadn't done a whole lot of comic book work in the last few decades. I wonder if DC paid him for this? I'm sure his creator credit meant nothing, having been established in 1940. They probably had him do this work for free and made it sound like some kind of honor. Hell, Mart should have received royalties his entire life on every single character based on his versions of the Green Lantern. That includes all the stupid aliens over the years like Chaselon and Ch'p.

Yalan Gur begins to fuck with the population of the Earth, forcing them into chaos at every turn. Eventually the Guardians grow sick of his cocky bullshit and decide to make him vulnerable to the simple stick after which he was killed. Although not by sticks or wood. He got angry at the Guardians and then forgot to protect himself as he re-entered Earth's atmosphere which, surprisingly, isn't made of wood. I'm not going to question the inconsistencies of a comic book written in the '40s (I'm assuming this isn't totally new shit so that I don't have to rage at how stupid it is). They were actually being written for kids back then! You think kids need canon and consistency and logic in their fantasy stories? No way! That's why they're so much better than me and you. I'm assuming you're an adult. If you're not, you really shouldn't be fucking reading this, kid. Go to bed.

So Yalan Gur's lantern remained on Earth causing trouble until Yalan Gur's soul repented its sins and Alan Scott found the lantern which still retained its weakness against wood. And maybe for burning up on re-entering Earth's atmosphere.

When the Lanterns return to the present (they weren't just being told the story of Yalan Gur; they were witnessing it first-hand via time travel. Is Alan's battery the most powerful Green Lantern battery?), Hal and John explain the lessons they've learned. Guy does too. Sort of. He sarcastically expresses the lessons he should have learned before fucking off to beat up Despero. And, well, that's it! Nobody finds Alan Scott. Nobody confiscates the time traveling Green Lantern battery. Nobody explains to Jade and Obsidian what the fuck is going on. They just go back to their jobs having done absolutely fuck all.

Green Lantern #19 Rating: C. Too long! Too boring! Nothing happened! The only good thing about this issue was Yalan Gur whom I absolutely had forgotten about but remembered instantly upon seeing Mart Nodell's caricature of him. I re-read the Green Lantern Quarterly comics a few years ago and already can't remember much about them (except that Scott Lobdell wrote one of the stories, maybe the one about that Jack guy?) so now I'm wondering if Yalan Gur got any stories in that comic? Now I want to go back and check!