Green Lantern #7 (December 1990)

My green anal rape shake brings all the old men to the yard.

If all of the DC trademarks were taken away from this cover, I'd easily confuse it for a '60s underground comic book about three guys who ran a crackingly popular old man enema business. It's the only explanation I have for the look on the Mad Guardian's face. People often give Kevin Maguire credit for his sublime mastery of facial expressions but look at Pat Broderick's marvelous work here! That isn't just a grimace of pain. There's something cathartic about what the Mad Guardian is going through, making his exclamation of "It's not over yet!" almost read as "I'm about to come!" Or is that just me? Please don't say that it's just me. I've spent so many years making casually vulgar comments about comic books in a whimsical and facetious way that it's hard to tell, when faced with a truly vulgar piece, if I'm seeing it as clearly as I think I am. It's also possible I've retained the old man fetish I had as a small boy and am projecting my own delusions onto the Mad Guardian's expression of pain and/or sexual gratification.

I don't mean that I had a "sexual" obsession with old men when I was a small boy so I probably shouldn't have used the word fetish. I was a small boy and, like all small boys (are you reading this Gerard Jones?), I wasn't interested in or knew anything about sex. But I knew I loved hanging out with old men! And all of my favorite movie stars were old men, like Art Carney and Scatman Crothers and George Burns (and they probably weren't all that old when I loved them. Maybe in their fifties or sixties? Ancient to a five to seven year old). My favorite person in the entire world after my grandfather was my 1st grade speech therapy teacher whose name I can't remember. I also had an elderly neighbor named John with whom I would go out for evening walks. This was the '70s so five year olds could say to their moms, "I'm going to go see if John wants to go for a walk," and then leave the house unescorted to go meet an old man two houses down the block.

Thinking about growing up in the '70s helps me to understand Dickens' whole "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times" thing.

Speaking of old men and dead authors, I should probably get to the comic book.

This is segregation.

Hal's plan was to be defeated by and captured by the Mad Guardian because he understands that he can't defeat even one lousy Guardian of the Universe. Somehow DC has imbued these little blue buggers with unimaginable power and they understand that fans will riot if Hal Jordan beats one in one-on-one combat. So instead of trying, Hal takes a shit in the Green Lantern Battery of Oa before allowing himself to be caught. This will ensure that the other Guardians of Oa will get Desecration Alerts on whatever part of their brains act as the Ring Doorbell Camera part of the human brain. I'd say his plan is flawed and the other Guardians aren't going to care if somebody shits in a broken down power battery when they're all getting their dicks sucked by Amazonian goddesses of Zamaron but I've already looked at the cover. It's crazy that any comic book fan would ever complain to anybody else about spoilers when comic book covers have been spoiling the stories inside for at least seven decades.

A single Xudarian helped Hal which means the Mad Guardian feels compelled to punish and kill hundreds of innocent Xudarian mothers and children.

At least I think these are mothers and children. Who can tell with fish-chicken people?

Maybe he's not killing them. It depends on if the projectile flinger on the top of the boulder creatures' heads is a penis or a weapon. At the very least, he's making a whole bunch of innocent Xudarians uncomfortable, sticky, and smelling of Linden trees.

The Mad Guardian sends the cum-flinging boulder beasts to destroy Rose and her child next. Obviously Hal's upset that they're going to die. After all, he's already been the cause of death of loads of people he knows. Not as many deaths as John Stewart. But probably more than Guy Gardner who acts tough but never actually ever kills anybody. Mostly because he's afraid Batman will find out and stare at him in anger and disappointment.

Having conquered Oa and all of the alien cities and their inhabitants, the Mad Guardian decides that his next move is to consume Hal, Guy, and John so he can absorb their will-power, anger, and hunger for redemption. Two of those attributes don't really seem all that helpful. But the Mad Guardian's heart wants what the Mad Guardian's heart wants.

A little Green Lantern vore for you weirdos.

People say not to kink shame but I disagree. I think all kinks should be full of shame. I think most things people do should be regarded as shameful. We need way more shame-based judgment in this country! Personally, I know my blog posts would be far shorter if I felt even the tiniest bit of shame. I've admitted far too much on this site. Far, far too much.

The Guardians of the Universe hate people shitting on their things far more than getting their dicks sucked so they return to Oa to punish the Power Battery Shitter (Hal Jordan!). But when they get there, they find an even more disturbing image: Appa Ali Apsa voring down on three Earth Green Lanterns. That's the Mad Guardians real name: Appa Ali Apsa. The only other Guardian name I know is Ganthet and, well, that's quite the range of names is all. If one end of the name spectrum is Appa Ali Apsa, and the other end of the name spectrum is Ganthet, there must be a Guardian named Bruce somewhere in the ranks. Bruce. Bruce the Guardian of the Universe.

See? Even the most intelligent and powerful beings in the universe are into kink shaming.

Why do all the Guardians look exactly alike? Is that racist? Or is there a canon explanation? Are they clones? Do Guardians breed by parthenogenesis? That would be a good explanation as to why the different genders on Maltus went separate ways if it weren't already canon that they went off to fuck each other to have more Guardian babies. Poor Zamarons. As I said earlier, I've been into old men for as long as I can remember and even I don't want to fuck a little blue bald old man. I suppose they could all have thick veiny monsters under their little skirts but I'm pretty sure we all imagine the most miniscule of tools surrounded by a small mound of bristly white fur. We have all imagined that, right?

From this day forward, I no longer go to take a shit. I go to beam a message.

Look at how annoyed Guy is that Hal's plan worked.

Kevin Maguire who?!

Now that the Guardians have arrived to fight the big battle, Hal rushes off to save Rose from a Bukkake boulder monster. Rose puts up a good fight with her shotgun but the beast probably just thinks she's ejaculating over and over again in its face. It probably thinks they've just had sex. Just before it blows its load and kills Rose in a rush of steaming hot death juice, Hal creates a Roc with his ring to save Rose.

But not her son. The kid saves himself.

What would have happened if Rose had been wearing a yellow jumpsuit? It's too horrible to complicate! If you think having sex with an alien with a penis on its head is horrible, that is. Some of you kinky freaks were probably all, "Wait Hal! I want to see the alien's yellowy orange money shot!"


You know what? I love you perverts so here's a little treat:

Don't say I never enabled your sweaty perversions.

The semen slinging rock aliens were recruited as the fascist boot stompers of the Mad Guardian's regime. Hal Jordan takes command of John and Guy to battle the monstrosities and save all of the other kidnapped cities on Oa. But Guy, being the guy who doesn't listen and just flies in to beat people up (which is usually Hal's job but Guy is just more Hal than Hal can ever be), nearly gets his ass kicked so Hal chastises him.

In a way, this is sort of sweet. At least somebody finally acknowledges Guy's brain damage!

The Guardians put the Mad Guardian on trial but he's hesitant to fall under their sway. He still has John under his though so he commands him to help save him. And somehow he does even though all the Green Lantern rings have lost power. Instead of using his ring to defeat twenty Guardians, John uses his eye lasers which I didn't know he had.

By the pained expression on John's face, I don't think he knew he had them either.

The Mad Guardian explains to Hal and Guy and all of the defeated Guardians how he beat them all: he has become the Green Lantern Power Battery and absorbed all the power on Oa. The other Guardians were working on only the reserve power they had left after all the sucking, fucking, and banging they've been doing off planet. They were just plain tuckered out and stood no chance. The Mad Guardian has won! And Hal and Guy are now impotent bystanders with powerless rings.

Green Lantern #7 Rating: A-. This was a satisfying issue. And it looks like it took about seven issues for me to appreciate Pat and Bruce's art. It still seems weird to see this kind of style in a mainstream DC comic book. But I'm paying better attention to it and I think that attention is paying off. Who could have known? The world works better when you're actively trying to engage with it! Why didn't somebody tell me this forty years ago?! Two other positive notes: first, I bought into the way the Mad Guardian defeats all of the other Guardians. That's a big step! I usually kick and scream and refuse to accept that some other writer's writing make sense. Second, Hal Jordan acknowledges Guy's brain damage! You don't see that too often. Sure, sure. He appended the word "thug" onto the descriptor "brain-damaged" as if Guy's thuggish personality wasn't solely a result of the brain damage but something else entirely. But it's still more than I'm used to seeing and I'm happy it was mentioned in the pages of Green Lantern!

Guy seems to have come to terms with his disability.