They must be playing checkers because these pieces don't make sense for chess.
What do they mean by "The World's Greatest Heroes are back!"? The Justice League never went anywhere! This must be in reference to Superman meaning whoever wrote the copy on this cover doesn't think the members of the Justice League for the last 60 issues were too good. Or maybe it's a dig at Giffen and DeMatteis? Maybe this statement is supposed to convince readers that all that silly nonsense in the previous five dozen issues is over and this comic book is getting back to serious business! Or maybe it just means, "Look! We're recycling an old cover!" Fuck. I hope that doesn't mean Dan Jurgens is targeting the old fans in 1992 who grew up loving the ridiculous adventures of the '60s and '70s! Man, maybe I was wrong about Dan Jurgens. Maybe he doesn't write every story like it takes place in the '80s. Maybe he writes every story as if it takes place 20 to 30 years prior to the year he's writing it!
This issue is called "Born Once Again" which totally makes sense because the Justice League changes its line-up about every twelve to fifteen issues.
Guy Gardner sits around the JLA Cave fantasizing about how everybody will be taking orders from him from now on. The cave has been smashed to pieces behind him by the fight with Despero. It's a metaphor! The headquarters are in the same condition that the actual League is in. And the metaphor extends to Guy Gardner and his posture. While he sits around pouting and pretending he's in charge, he actually does nothing to put the League (or the cave!) back together.
A couple of non-greatest heroes arrive for the first meeting of the new League: Booster Gold and Blue Beetle. After that, Maxima flies in and the sexual harassment ramps back up. None of the male members of the Justice League can look at a woman and not think about fucking her. I mean, the thinking part isn't really the problem! Everybody sometimes sees somebody they're attracted to and has a little fantasy. But the guys in the Justice League can't keep their horny thoughts in their heads.
This issue is called "Born Once Again" which totally makes sense because the Justice League changes its line-up about every twelve to fifteen issues.
Guy Gardner sits around the JLA Cave fantasizing about how everybody will be taking orders from him from now on. The cave has been smashed to pieces behind him by the fight with Despero. It's a metaphor! The headquarters are in the same condition that the actual League is in. And the metaphor extends to Guy Gardner and his posture. While he sits around pouting and pretending he's in charge, he actually does nothing to put the League (or the cave!) back together.
A couple of non-greatest heroes arrive for the first meeting of the new League: Booster Gold and Blue Beetle. After that, Maxima flies in and the sexual harassment ramps back up. None of the male members of the Justice League can look at a woman and not think about fucking her. I mean, the thinking part isn't really the problem! Everybody sometimes sees somebody they're attracted to and has a little fantasy. But the guys in the Justice League can't keep their horny thoughts in their heads.
I suppose Maxima isn't helping when the first words out of her mouth are, "I must find a man to breed me!"
It looks like Maxima is going to be doing her own workplace harassment as soon as Superman arrives. Maxima has a bit of a Red Sonja vibe. Do all red headed women only fuck men who can beat the shit out of them? I should have asked Gail Simone's husband the last time I talked to him! Although the way she looked at him to shut the fuck up when he was saying to me, "You know Gail is friends with a lot of the people you write about. Although a lot of what you say is totally true!", I think I know who is brandishing the sexy whip in that bedroom. Also, that quote might not be verbatim. But the look was!
Elsewhere because, I'm assuming (I love to assume! Mmm, mmm! That's good u ass!), everybody got their wires crossed about where the first new Justice League meeting was taking place, Max, Oberon, Fire, and Ice meet with Superman.
Elsewhere because, I'm assuming (I love to assume! Mmm, mmm! That's good u ass!), everybody got their wires crossed about where the first new Justice League meeting was taking place, Max, Oberon, Fire, and Ice meet with Superman.
I thought he was being a righteous scold here but according to Ice's panties, he's being super sexy, I guess.
I can't believe I keep typing "panties" on this blog! You know you can say "underwear" or "knickers" or just plain old "pants," right Tess? "Fuck you! I love panties!" my brain screams at me so loudly that I need to go lie down for a bit.
Ice and Fire ditch Max Lord and follow Superman to wherever he's going. They don't fucking care. I mean, they do care! That's why they're following him. Because Superman believes in the League and justice and helping people while Max believes in Max and Max and more Max. Judging by Max's dialogue, he seems to have reverted back to Justice League International #1 Max Lord. That makes sense since the story in Justice League Spectacular #1 was basically the same story as in the early Justice League International where Max hired the Royal Flush Gang to cause trouble while cameras rolled nearby and caught the heroes beating their asses. Although in Spectacular, it was Weapons Master who manipulated the Royal Flush Gang, I guess. I think the point I'm trying to make is that the Royal Flush Gang are a bunch of gullible nitwits.
Currently, the Weapons Master has accepted a job to steal Guy Gardner's Green Lantern Ring for a Dominator. So right off the bat, the Justice League will not be serving justice but simply protecting themselves from another super villain.
Using the information he gathered from sicking the Royal Flush Gang on the Justice League and spying on the ensuing battle, Weapons Master prepares his arsenal and attacks the Leaguers in the JLA Cave. He's not prepared for Maxima so he's momentarily thrown by her psionic powers. He recovers quickly seeing as how he has access to virtually any weapon or defensive item the writer needs him to have. He just warps the item out of some interdimensional storage bin as he battles.
Ice and Fire ditch Max Lord and follow Superman to wherever he's going. They don't fucking care. I mean, they do care! That's why they're following him. Because Superman believes in the League and justice and helping people while Max believes in Max and Max and more Max. Judging by Max's dialogue, he seems to have reverted back to Justice League International #1 Max Lord. That makes sense since the story in Justice League Spectacular #1 was basically the same story as in the early Justice League International where Max hired the Royal Flush Gang to cause trouble while cameras rolled nearby and caught the heroes beating their asses. Although in Spectacular, it was Weapons Master who manipulated the Royal Flush Gang, I guess. I think the point I'm trying to make is that the Royal Flush Gang are a bunch of gullible nitwits.
Currently, the Weapons Master has accepted a job to steal Guy Gardner's Green Lantern Ring for a Dominator. So right off the bat, the Justice League will not be serving justice but simply protecting themselves from another super villain.
Using the information he gathered from sicking the Royal Flush Gang on the Justice League and spying on the ensuing battle, Weapons Master prepares his arsenal and attacks the Leaguers in the JLA Cave. He's not prepared for Maxima so he's momentarily thrown by her psionic powers. He recovers quickly seeing as how he has access to virtually any weapon or defensive item the writer needs him to have. He just warps the item out of some interdimensional storage bin as he battles.
Judging by Guy Gardner's pathetic attack, the entire universe save for Guy Gardner is aware of the ring's one flaw.
Booster Gold falls to some blades that send feedback through his force field. Blue Beetle falls because he has no powers at all and is practically useless. And Maxima simply gets punched in the face and knocked out. But not before Maxima's left outer labia maxima falls out of her costume.
Being an expert on female anatomy, I absolutely know what I'm looking at and have described it perfectly as her "left outer labia maxima".
Weapons Master gloats over his fallen foes long enough for Superman to walk in and paste him right in the face. Ice's panties take another hit while watching. I don't know what happens in Fire's nether regions. Do they steam and hiss when she gets sexually aroused?
I think I need to get out of the house and meet some real women because I absolutely thought Fire was going to say, "Maybe we should just change our panties."
I would apologize that my male gaze has seemingly taken control of this review but since my male gaze has taken control of this review, it wants me to tell you to suck it. I have a feeling I know what it wants you to suck but I am not going to ask outright.
Weapons Master gets beat up by Superman for a little bit as Superman pulls his punches trying to find the exact amount of force that will knock out Weapons Master but not kill him. This is the only reason Superman ever has trouble in a fight. Because he never knows how hard he can hit somebody without killing them. So he has to throw about a dozen punches to calibrate what strength to use. In the meantime, his opponent is absolutely just trying to obliterate him. So while Superman calibrates, Weapons Master manages to warp Superman out of the cave and, presumably, into Weapons Master's interdimensional storage container? After that, it's just a simply matter of throwing a net on Fire so that her fire goes out and presumably she winds up lying naked on the floor of the cave but the panel never shows her again because, well, presumably she's lying naked on the floor of the cave.
The last Leaguer standing is Ice! Surely she can come through where the others failed and save the day, right?! Ha ha! No, no. She gets knocked out easily. But before Weapons Master can retrieve Guy's ring, a brand new hero enters the cave! One that nobody has ever seen before and is totally not a Martian at all!
Weapons Master gets beat up by Superman for a little bit as Superman pulls his punches trying to find the exact amount of force that will knock out Weapons Master but not kill him. This is the only reason Superman ever has trouble in a fight. Because he never knows how hard he can hit somebody without killing them. So he has to throw about a dozen punches to calibrate what strength to use. In the meantime, his opponent is absolutely just trying to obliterate him. So while Superman calibrates, Weapons Master manages to warp Superman out of the cave and, presumably, into Weapons Master's interdimensional storage container? After that, it's just a simply matter of throwing a net on Fire so that her fire goes out and presumably she winds up lying naked on the floor of the cave but the panel never shows her again because, well, presumably she's lying naked on the floor of the cave.
The last Leaguer standing is Ice! Surely she can come through where the others failed and save the day, right?! Ha ha! No, no. She gets knocked out easily. But before Weapons Master can retrieve Guy's ring, a brand new hero enters the cave! One that nobody has ever seen before and is totally not a Martian at all!
No, he just turned intangible and invisible and moved behind you. Might I suggest warping in a Zippo?
Does Dan Jurgens get creator credits on a character that is simply another character in disguise? I also wonder if Martian Manhunter got in trouble with the Magic Hero Union for scabbing as a magical hero?
Um, I mean, the new guy reveals his name is Bloodwynd and he's a sorcerer who channels the "plasma energies of the dead." Gross! Although I think it's really just heat vision.
Um, I mean, the new guy reveals his name is Bloodwynd and he's a sorcerer who channels the "plasma energies of the dead." Gross! Although I think it's really just heat vision.
I think this panel is where Brett Booth learned to draw legs.
Man, I'm such a professional! Look at me dissing Brett Booth and he isn't anywhere near this comic book! Take that, Booth! And learn to draw legs already!
Weapons Master warps himself and the entire Justice League (minus Bloodwynd who technically isn't in the Justice League yet) to one of his pocket dimensions where he props them up like dolls at a long table. The only one allowed to move is Blue Beetle who begins speaking like Batman from a '60s comic book. Is my theory about Dan Jurgens correct?!
Weapons Master warps himself and the entire Justice League (minus Bloodwynd who technically isn't in the Justice League yet) to one of his pocket dimensions where he props them up like dolls at a long table. The only one allowed to move is Blue Beetle who begins speaking like Batman from a '60s comic book. Is my theory about Dan Jurgens correct?!
The Comics Code Authority probably needed a few cynical youths on the team to point out how hilarious and filthy "You pulled a big boner" actually is.
So Weapons Master pulled Blue Beetle's big boner and now Blue Beetle is going to take care of Weapons Master. That's the kind of give and take that makes a good relationship!
Weapons Master challenges Blue Beetle to his weird game of chess. The rules are simple. Blue Beetle doesn't get to understand the game at all but must place the pieces on the board with no indication as to what any square will do. Some squares are freedom squares and some squares are danger squares. Beetle refuses to play which prompts Weapons Master to put Ice's piece on a danger square. She warps out of the room and onto a planet of fire and lava! Oh no! I think this game is rigged!
Be with us next time where we find out if Blue Beetle is a Chess Master or a Major Disaster!
Justice League America #61 Rating: B. Maybe I should start keeping a tally of how often the Justice League actually help the world in each issue now that they're starting over. We'll make this tally "0 out of 1." They haven't even actually formed as a group and they're already being attacked by super villains rather than helping to save the world. Good thing Superman had that speech earlier about how the world needs them! Which I guess was a decent Superman speech but his attitude when saying it was pretty fucked up. Ma Kent would not have liked to see her son being such a condescending jerk, even if it was toward Maxwell Lord. Plus he's already suffering from Writing Superman Syndrome. That's where a writer takes the character of Superman and instead of portraying Superman as an inspiration who is utterly invulnerable and thus can actually avoid violence in most cases, chooses to have Superman wade into battle with his fists flying and spouting off about how he's on the side of right simply because he's Superman. I guess I shouldn't expect much more from Dan Jurgens when he's the writer who is going to kill Superman by the end of this year via a cosmic fist fight. I mean, really? That's how Superman is killed? Via a brawl? Lex Luthor must have been so pissed off.
Weapons Master challenges Blue Beetle to his weird game of chess. The rules are simple. Blue Beetle doesn't get to understand the game at all but must place the pieces on the board with no indication as to what any square will do. Some squares are freedom squares and some squares are danger squares. Beetle refuses to play which prompts Weapons Master to put Ice's piece on a danger square. She warps out of the room and onto a planet of fire and lava! Oh no! I think this game is rigged!
Be with us next time where we find out if Blue Beetle is a Chess Master or a Major Disaster!
Justice League America #61 Rating: B. Maybe I should start keeping a tally of how often the Justice League actually help the world in each issue now that they're starting over. We'll make this tally "0 out of 1." They haven't even actually formed as a group and they're already being attacked by super villains rather than helping to save the world. Good thing Superman had that speech earlier about how the world needs them! Which I guess was a decent Superman speech but his attitude when saying it was pretty fucked up. Ma Kent would not have liked to see her son being such a condescending jerk, even if it was toward Maxwell Lord. Plus he's already suffering from Writing Superman Syndrome. That's where a writer takes the character of Superman and instead of portraying Superman as an inspiration who is utterly invulnerable and thus can actually avoid violence in most cases, chooses to have Superman wade into battle with his fists flying and spouting off about how he's on the side of right simply because he's Superman. I guess I shouldn't expect much more from Dan Jurgens when he's the writer who is going to kill Superman by the end of this year via a cosmic fist fight. I mean, really? That's how Superman is killed? Via a brawl? Lex Luthor must have been so pissed off.
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