I stole this comic book, just in case.
DC: "Here's a cover with a man putting a gun to a cat's head and threatening to blow its brains out if fans buy the comic book!"
Comics Code Authority: "Approved! Good, traditional, old-fashioned entertainment that everybody can enjoy!"
Fuck the people who think everybody needs their individual approval to live and act a certain way, especially when their "approval" accepts threatening the lives of cats! What the fuck, Comics Code?! I mean, sure, I know nobody is going to harm an actual cat and almost certainly nobody is going to harm even a fictional cat! But that's my point about how useless the Comics Code Authority is! It's a fucking comic book, assholes! If you think it needs to be regulated because you don't want kids seeing disturbing things than you also can't "approve" of a cover where a man has a gun shoved inside a cat's ear and promising to kill the cat if somebody buys the comic book! You're making the reader complicit in violence! I bet the original cover showed the cat's asshole in exquisite detail but the Comics Code Authority was all, "Unh-uh! No way, José! Take it out!" (Also you know they pronounced the "J" in José.)
95% of angry Twitter is just people upset that other people are enjoying their life in a way that they don't think those people should be enjoying their lives. How about spending that time enjoying your life and stop bothering everybody who isn't bothering you at all? Is it because the life you signed up for isn't any fun? Is it because all the things you want to do are frowned upon by other people in your tribe and your pretend God? Why think, "If I can't live that way, nobody should be able to live that way?" Instead think, "Other people are living their lives the way they want, why shouldn't I?!" Free yourselves from your mental shackles, you uptight prigs! Get out there and enjoy yourselves! Unless what you enjoy is pedophilia. Then maybe just keep being angry at the world. Just maybe stop projecting your disgusting desires on everybody else and making YouTube videos explaining how everybody is into pedophilia but you can't explain exactly how you know this (being that "how you know it" is that you're projecting your own terrible desires on everybody else) and instead need to make up insane proofs like the names of wardrobes sold online or the kinds of toppings mentioned on a pizza menu.
Take a look at that cover I scanned one more time. Don't look at the art. Look at the edges. This might be the wonkiest cut comic book that I own. That scan was with the top of the comic book level with the edge of the scanner and the bottom corner shifts at least a quarter of an inch! Maybe I should have stolen a better copy!
Oh! I forgot Gerard Jones wrote this comic book when I mentioned the pedophilia! Ha ha! What a coincidence!
This issue is called "Catnap" because, as we all saw by the cover, Kara's cat is going to be kidnapped and held for ransom. Except we've all read this story (probably even before this comic was published in 1991) where somebody kidnaps somebody, usually a kid, and the victim winds up being way more trouble than the ransom is worth so the kidnappers eventually admit defeat and return the victim, sometimes even paying to make sure the victim is taken back. And being that nobody likes this fucking cat, why would anybody pay a ransom for it?
Comics Code Authority: "Approved! Good, traditional, old-fashioned entertainment that everybody can enjoy!"
Fuck the people who think everybody needs their individual approval to live and act a certain way, especially when their "approval" accepts threatening the lives of cats! What the fuck, Comics Code?! I mean, sure, I know nobody is going to harm an actual cat and almost certainly nobody is going to harm even a fictional cat! But that's my point about how useless the Comics Code Authority is! It's a fucking comic book, assholes! If you think it needs to be regulated because you don't want kids seeing disturbing things than you also can't "approve" of a cover where a man has a gun shoved inside a cat's ear and promising to kill the cat if somebody buys the comic book! You're making the reader complicit in violence! I bet the original cover showed the cat's asshole in exquisite detail but the Comics Code Authority was all, "Unh-uh! No way, José! Take it out!" (Also you know they pronounced the "J" in José.)
95% of angry Twitter is just people upset that other people are enjoying their life in a way that they don't think those people should be enjoying their lives. How about spending that time enjoying your life and stop bothering everybody who isn't bothering you at all? Is it because the life you signed up for isn't any fun? Is it because all the things you want to do are frowned upon by other people in your tribe and your pretend God? Why think, "If I can't live that way, nobody should be able to live that way?" Instead think, "Other people are living their lives the way they want, why shouldn't I?!" Free yourselves from your mental shackles, you uptight prigs! Get out there and enjoy yourselves! Unless what you enjoy is pedophilia. Then maybe just keep being angry at the world. Just maybe stop projecting your disgusting desires on everybody else and making YouTube videos explaining how everybody is into pedophilia but you can't explain exactly how you know this (being that "how you know it" is that you're projecting your own terrible desires on everybody else) and instead need to make up insane proofs like the names of wardrobes sold online or the kinds of toppings mentioned on a pizza menu.
Take a look at that cover I scanned one more time. Don't look at the art. Look at the edges. This might be the wonkiest cut comic book that I own. That scan was with the top of the comic book level with the edge of the scanner and the bottom corner shifts at least a quarter of an inch! Maybe I should have stolen a better copy!
Oh! I forgot Gerard Jones wrote this comic book when I mentioned the pedophilia! Ha ha! What a coincidence!
This issue is called "Catnap" because, as we all saw by the cover, Kara's cat is going to be kidnapped and held for ransom. Except we've all read this story (probably even before this comic was published in 1991) where somebody kidnaps somebody, usually a kid, and the victim winds up being way more trouble than the ransom is worth so the kidnappers eventually admit defeat and return the victim, sometimes even paying to make sure the victim is taken back. And being that nobody likes this fucking cat, why would anybody pay a ransom for it?
Okay, Power Girl likes the cat. But that just means the kidnappers are in even bigger trouble because in Kara's hierarchy of actions, Kara punches first, explodes her vagina second, and "paying the ransom" never shows up on her list ever!
The two British guys who stole the cat (still unnamed, I think?) lounge around imagining how many crisps and lagers they're going to buy with their windfall when suddenly they hear a crash from the back room where they've stashed the cat.
I'm sorry. I can't believe two British guys are fans of the Grateful Dead. I also don't believe fans of the Grateful Dead would kidnap a cat.
The closest I ever came to seeing the Dead was this time they were playing at the Shoreline Amphitheater in Mountain View, California, and I stopped by the parking lot to score some LSD. At the time, I didn't understand the concept of a miracle in relation to the Dead so when I saw people walking around with their fingers in a peace sign, I knew it must have been some sort of signal and began doing the same thing! I thought the signal meant, "I need LSD," but it actually meant, "I need tickets to the show." Nobody approached me either way. I eventually noticed two people obviously involved in a drug transaction behind a tent and I walked right up to them, pulled out my money, and asked, "Can I get some acid?" The guy selling really didn't know what to think with this bold maneuver but since I didn't look like a cop, he sold me a couple of hits. I think that's the only time in my life I ever personally bought drugs! At least from a stranger! An ex's sister sold LSD for a bit and I definitely purchased from her.
Kara flips the fuck out when she discovers her cat is being ransomed. Most every other member of the Justice League couldn't give a shit but Rocket Red's son seems concerned so now he's my second favorite member of Justice League Europe (right after Kara, of course. Cat lovers unite!). The two catnappers, oblivious to their imminent beatdowns, consider their next options in garnering the ransom money.
Kara flips the fuck out when she discovers her cat is being ransomed. Most every other member of the Justice League couldn't give a shit but Rocket Red's son seems concerned so now he's my second favorite member of Justice League Europe (right after Kara, of course. Cat lovers unite!). The two catnappers, oblivious to their imminent beatdowns, consider their next options in garnering the ransom money.
"Why would they even want the cat back?" is a terrible realization to have this deep into your criminal activity.
This story is a good lesson in sunk costs. One of the catnappers is all, "Why don't we just give the cat back? This is getting out of hand!" And the main catnapper is all, "I've already received a broken arm and all of my possessions were destroyed and my room is covered in hairballs. I'm not giving up now!" Those things have already been paid for in the past. He shouldn't be considering them as part of the overall payoff! What he should be thinking is, "Within how many inches of my life will Power Girl beat the shit out of me?" Maybe I'm thinking about this too much like an American! Thanks to the NHS, his broken arm hasn't cost him anything, really! And getting beaten nearly to death also won't cost him anything! So all he sees are pound signs in his eyes from the ransom, even if he has to enjoy it from a hospital bed drinking out of a straw and shitting in a bag taped to his belly. Also, I know he's in a story and he doesn't! So for him, this story can totally work out in his benefit. But I know who the real heroes are and the demeanor of the cat and the violent temper of the heroine, so I see exactly what's about to happen to this poor bloke. Maybe I should be less cynical and try to read my comic books with a fresh and naive perspective. Like when I first read Pet Sematary and only realized Gage was going to die when the family was having the best day ever on a picnic so, so close to the highway.
I would like to point out that I was pretty young when I first read Pet Sematary and not a thirty-four year old who still didn't understand how stories work.
Meanwhile, Mr. Bigger, the guy who wanted Tortolini's notes on the Justice League, takes an interest in the catnapping story. He seems to be running a Super Villain Help Line where villains call in to find information about heroes in their area and how to best avoid them or defeat them. Mr. Bigger seems to think there's an opportunity for his organization in this pet scandal. Maybe he wants to ransom the cat for extra information about the Justice League which he can use for his 1-900 number that all the terrible C-list super villains are using! Well, he's only mentioned Clue Master so far. But he's firmly a C-list character in 1991 so that's enough evidence for me! I don't see Eclipso or Amazo or Starro or any of the other villains whose name ends with an "o" calling! Oh, Despero!
Power Girl insists that Catherine bother Batman about this mystery and Batman, upon learning it is a cat that needs rescuing, hangs up on Catherine. What the fuck is wrong with that asshole?! Would he not spend every resource to save Ace? Or Bat-Cow?! Or Jason Todd?! Doesn't he understand that the most heroic thing a hero can do, so much so that it's the name of the trope, is to rescue a fucking cat?! I always wondered why I hated Batman so much and I bet this comic book was the origin story for that hate! Help save the fucking cat, you piece of shit! You know, if Catwoman hears about this, you're never getting the finger in the butthole as you come treatment ever again!
Okay, fine, I've reconsidered and there's ample evidence that Batman did not use every resource at his disposal to save Jason Todd. But you can't really blame him for that! What control does Batman have over the DC readers, especially that one guy who called hundreds of times to vote "Yes, please, please, please kill Robin"?
I would like to point out that I was pretty young when I first read Pet Sematary and not a thirty-four year old who still didn't understand how stories work.
Meanwhile, Mr. Bigger, the guy who wanted Tortolini's notes on the Justice League, takes an interest in the catnapping story. He seems to be running a Super Villain Help Line where villains call in to find information about heroes in their area and how to best avoid them or defeat them. Mr. Bigger seems to think there's an opportunity for his organization in this pet scandal. Maybe he wants to ransom the cat for extra information about the Justice League which he can use for his 1-900 number that all the terrible C-list super villains are using! Well, he's only mentioned Clue Master so far. But he's firmly a C-list character in 1991 so that's enough evidence for me! I don't see Eclipso or Amazo or Starro or any of the other villains whose name ends with an "o" calling! Oh, Despero!
Power Girl insists that Catherine bother Batman about this mystery and Batman, upon learning it is a cat that needs rescuing, hangs up on Catherine. What the fuck is wrong with that asshole?! Would he not spend every resource to save Ace? Or Bat-Cow?! Or Jason Todd?! Doesn't he understand that the most heroic thing a hero can do, so much so that it's the name of the trope, is to rescue a fucking cat?! I always wondered why I hated Batman so much and I bet this comic book was the origin story for that hate! Help save the fucking cat, you piece of shit! You know, if Catwoman hears about this, you're never getting the finger in the butthole as you come treatment ever again!
Okay, fine, I've reconsidered and there's ample evidence that Batman did not use every resource at his disposal to save Jason Todd. But you can't really blame him for that! What control does Batman have over the DC readers, especially that one guy who called hundreds of times to vote "Yes, please, please, please kill Robin"?
What the fuck is Catherine on about?!
Does Catherine think the months are different in the southern hemisphere just because the seasons are flipped?! Or should I say, "Does Gerard Jones think that?!" People like to say they're happy with whatever their kids are reading just as long as they're reading but fuck that nonsense. If everything I learned about the world, I learned from DC Comics, I'd be the biggest fucking dolt on the Internet.
Hey! I heard that! Fuck you!
Mr. Bigger discovers the location of the cat and sends his men to break in, tranquilize the cat, and pay the catnappers 16,000 quid. While that isn't what I predicted would happen at the start, they were ready to just surrender the cat back to the Justice League. They even went so far as to call a local tabloid station to arrange a drop-off, which Crimson Fox, being super powerful in the publishing world, learned about before the television media. So now Mr. Bigger has the cat, the catnappers have their ransom, and the Justice League are off to beat the shit out of whoever drops off a cat at the local tabloid's offices.
Mr. Bigger's plan is to implant a camera and microphone into the eye of the cat so that it can be returned and they can learn all of the Justice League's secrets and also spy on Power Girl changing. Now that live feed would really make Mr. Bigger some cash! If, you know, there was any real semblance of the Internet in 1991. And, um, also if it wasn't a totally gross and problematic idea! Although even if they did have a live stream fed from out of the cat's eye to spy on Power Girl showering and changing, most members would probably lose their boners when the cat stopped watching Power Girl and started licking its butthole. Notice I said "most members"! You know some people would pay premium for that.
Mr. Bigger has the two catnappers drop off the cat so, of course, Power Girl catches them and beats the shit out of them. But they still made their 16,000 pounds! And with the NHS taking care of their bodily injuries for free, they've come out ahead! I guess criminals are sometimes successful, even in a Comics Code Authority approved comic book! Which I think is against their Code so what the fuck, Comics Code Authority?! I'm pretty sure they were just phoning it in by the mid-80s, let alone 1991. Not that I give a shit! Fuck the Comics Code Authority! Just more bullshit where people give in to a minority of thought police simply to keep from having to sit through any more congressional trials about the state of today's youth!
Justice League Europe #22 Rating: B. This issue didn't have the Justice League saving anybody at all but at least it set some future plots into motion with the whole Mr. Bigger and his 1-900 superhero information hotline story and the cat with the camera eye. I'm mostly surprised that the cat doesn't have a name yet. How lazy are these writers?! I think Power Girl was considering names a few issues ago but if she settled on one, I'm sure it would have been used at some point in this issue. Usually my favorite part of any issue is a really nice butt shot of Sue Dibny or Crimson Fox but this time my favorite part was where Catherine thinks the southern hemisphere does months differently. She's so fucking dumb.
Hey! I heard that! Fuck you!
Mr. Bigger discovers the location of the cat and sends his men to break in, tranquilize the cat, and pay the catnappers 16,000 quid. While that isn't what I predicted would happen at the start, they were ready to just surrender the cat back to the Justice League. They even went so far as to call a local tabloid station to arrange a drop-off, which Crimson Fox, being super powerful in the publishing world, learned about before the television media. So now Mr. Bigger has the cat, the catnappers have their ransom, and the Justice League are off to beat the shit out of whoever drops off a cat at the local tabloid's offices.
Mr. Bigger's plan is to implant a camera and microphone into the eye of the cat so that it can be returned and they can learn all of the Justice League's secrets and also spy on Power Girl changing. Now that live feed would really make Mr. Bigger some cash! If, you know, there was any real semblance of the Internet in 1991. And, um, also if it wasn't a totally gross and problematic idea! Although even if they did have a live stream fed from out of the cat's eye to spy on Power Girl showering and changing, most members would probably lose their boners when the cat stopped watching Power Girl and started licking its butthole. Notice I said "most members"! You know some people would pay premium for that.
Mr. Bigger has the two catnappers drop off the cat so, of course, Power Girl catches them and beats the shit out of them. But they still made their 16,000 pounds! And with the NHS taking care of their bodily injuries for free, they've come out ahead! I guess criminals are sometimes successful, even in a Comics Code Authority approved comic book! Which I think is against their Code so what the fuck, Comics Code Authority?! I'm pretty sure they were just phoning it in by the mid-80s, let alone 1991. Not that I give a shit! Fuck the Comics Code Authority! Just more bullshit where people give in to a minority of thought police simply to keep from having to sit through any more congressional trials about the state of today's youth!
Justice League Europe #22 Rating: B. This issue didn't have the Justice League saving anybody at all but at least it set some future plots into motion with the whole Mr. Bigger and his 1-900 superhero information hotline story and the cat with the camera eye. I'm mostly surprised that the cat doesn't have a name yet. How lazy are these writers?! I think Power Girl was considering names a few issues ago but if she settled on one, I'm sure it would have been used at some point in this issue. Usually my favorite part of any issue is a really nice butt shot of Sue Dibny or Crimson Fox but this time my favorite part was where Catherine thinks the southern hemisphere does months differently. She's so fucking dumb.
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